CHAPTER IV. Conversation, Chaperonage, Marriage, Domestic Etiquette and Duties.

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“Manners are not idle, but are the fruit of noble natures and of loyal minds.”

CONVERSATION.

The late Dr. George Ripley was wont to say that the secret of being agreeable in conversation was to be honorable to the ideas of others. He affirmed that some people only half listened to you, because they were considering, even while you spoke, with what fine words, what wealth of wit, they should reply, and they began to speak almost before your sentence had died upon your lips. These people, he said, might be brilliant, witty, dazzling, but never could they be agreeable. You do not love to talk to them. You feel that they are impatient for their turn to come, and that they have no hospitality towards your thoughts—none of that gentle friendliness which asks your idea and makes much of it. This want of hospitality to other people’s ideas often has its root in egotism, but it is equally apt to be the growth of a secret want of self-confidence, a fear that one will not be ready to take one’s own part well,—an uneasy self-consciousness which makes real sympathetic attention to the ideas of others impossible.

Agreeability, readiness in conversation, tact and graciousness of manner are great aids to popularity. To possess these qualities one must have marked consideration for others, and be ever ready to manifest it. One should also be ready to recall faces and names.

Though one has but few facts and ideas to draw upon, she may still, by making sufficient effort, become a fair conversationalist. If one despair in this direction, she may at least train herself to become an interesting listener, and she will be surprised to find how popular she will be; for three-quarters of the world like to talk, while to listen intelligently is a great talent. The good listener, by her evident interest in, and sympathetic attention to, the matter of conversation, brings out all that is best in the one with whom she talks. Diffident people forget their shyness in her presence, and leave her with the comfortable and novel conviction that they have, after all, acquitted themselves rather well.

No well-bred person would be guilty of the gross rudeness of picking up a book or magazine and “looking through” it while pretending to pay heed to the talk of a friend. The assurance, “I am only looking at the pictures of this magazine, not reading, and I hear every word you say,” is no palliation of the offence. The speaker would be justified in refusing to continue the conversation until the pictures had been properly studied. If a speech is worth hearing, it is worthy of respectful and earnest attention.

No one should ever monopolize the conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore.

A well-educated and finely cultured person proclaims himself by the simplicity and terseness of his language.

In conversation all provincialisms, affectations of foreign accents, mannerisms, exaggerations, and slang are detestable.

Flippancy is as much an evidence of ill-breeding as is the perpetual smile, the wandering eye, the vacant stare, or the half-open mouth of the man who is preparing to break in upon the conversation.

Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding.

Anecdotes should be sparsely introduced into a conversation, lest they become stale. Repartee must be indulged in with moderation. Puns are considered vulgar by many.

In addressing persons with titles, one ought always to add the name; as, “What do you think, Doctor Graves?” not, “What do you think, Doctor?”

The great secret of talking well is to adapt one’s conversation skillfully to the hearers.

In a tÊte-À-tÊte conversation, it is extremely ill-bred to drop the voice to a whisper, or to converse on private matters.

One should never try to hide the lips in talking by putting up the hand or a fan.

One should avoid long conversations in society with members of his own family.

If an unfinished conversation is continued after the entrance of a visitor, its import should be explained to him.

Though bores find their account in speaking ill or well of themselves, it is the characteristic of a gentleman that he never speaks of himself at all. La Buryere says: “The great charm of conversation consists less in the display of one’s own wit and intelligence than in the power to draw forth the resources of others; he who leaves one after a long conversation, pleased with himself and the part he has taken in the discourse, will be the other’s warmest admirer.”

In society the absent-minded man is uncivil.

There are many persons who commence speaking before they know what they are going to say. The ill-natured world, which never misses an opportunity of being severe, declares them to be foolish and destitute of brains.

He who knows the world, will not be too bashful; he who knows himself, will not be imprudent.

There is no surer sign of vulgarity than the perpetual boasting of fine things at home.

One should be careful how freely he offers advice.

If one keeps silent sometimes upon subjects of which he is known to be a judge, his silence, when from ignorance, will not discover him.

One should not argue a point when it is possible to avoid it, but when he does argue, he should do so in a gentlemanly and dispassionate manner.

One should never notice any mistakes in the language of others.

CHAPERONAGE.

The foreign custom that makes a chaperone indispensable where young people are gathered together at places of public entertainment, has long obtained in the cities of the East, and in all conventional communities everywhere. No really fashionable party is made up without a chaperone.

A young woman condemns herself in the eyes of good society who is observed to enter alone with a young man a place of public refreshment, be the restaurant or tea room ever so select. Bred under other conditions of a society so necessarily varying as that in our broad America, a stranger visiting New York, for instance, might readily and innocently make a mistake of this nature, and blush at finding herself condemned for it. In the same category of offenses is ranked that of maidens visiting places of public amusement under the escort of young men alone. Many parts of the South and West allow this to be done with the smiling consent of good society; but in Eastern cities it is considered a violation of good form, and for the comfort, if not the convenience, of the girl considering it, had better be ranked among the lost privileges upon which social evolution may look back with fond regret.

It is always wisest, when a number of young people are to have a party, to ask two or three married women to be present, not only for propriety’s sake, but because there will then be no danger of anything unwished for happening, inasmuch as it is the duty of the chaperones to make all social entertainments smooth and pleasant.

When it is necessary for a girl to pay long visits to a dentist’s office, she should be accompanied either by her mother, or some woman relative, or maid.

The etiquette of chaperonage is much less strict for a young widow than for an unmarried girl of the same age; but it is important and in good taste for a woman who is a widow to be very quiet and inconspicuous in all she does, giving by her behavior no opportunity for criticism.

MARRIAGE.

A young girl’s own safety, as regards her present and future happiness, demands that she receive attentions from only the best of young men,—those of whom her reason would approve, if the acquaintance should lead to more than acquaintance.

Parents should carefully watch the young men who frequent their houses, in order to see that undesirable intimacies are not formed with their daughters, for friendships and intimacies soon lead to love.

Many a girl, feeling convinced that she had loved unwisely, has entered upon the married state with heart and reason at variance, when she might have given up the acquaintance, in the beginning of it, very easily.

The most perfect reserve in courtship, even in cases of the most ardent attachment, is indispensable to the confidence and trust of married life to come.

All public display of devotion should be avoided, for it tends to lessen mutual respect, and it makes the actors ridiculous in the eyes or others. It is quite possible for a man to show every conceivable attention to the one to whom he is engaged, and yet to avoid committing the slightest offence against delicacy or good taste.

It is quite possible for a man to show attention, and even assiduity up to a certain point, without becoming a lover; and it is equally possible for the girl to let it be seen that he is not disagreeable to her, without actually encouraging him. No man likes to be refused, and no man of tact will risk a refusal.

Long engagements are usually entered into by people who are quite young, but who, for some reason, cannot marry. As the years go on their tastes may change, and yet each may feel that honor binds the one to the other. The woman chosen by a man when he is twenty-one is seldom the woman he would chose when he is forty. When people marry young they grow accustomed to each other, and, oddly enough, they grow to be alike; but during a long engagement their tastes are apt to change, and the result is apt to be anything but a happy one. Of course, there are exceptions, but, generalizing, the long engagement is to be feared.

DOMESTIC ETIQUETTE AND DUTIES.

Etiquette is a comprehensive term, and its observances are nowhere more to be desired than in the domestic circle.

If husbands and wives, generally, would render each other half of the little attentions they lavished upon each other before marriage, their mutual happiness would be more than doubled.

A wife should never let her husband have cause to complain that she is more agreeable abroad than at home, nor see her negligent of dress and manners at home when it is the reverse in company.

If, unhappily, any misunderstandings or annoyances occur between husband and wife, it is ill-bred and unjust for either to repeat them to a third person.

Faithful unto death in all things should be the motto of both husband and wife; and forbearance with each other’s peculiarities, their never-ending effort to attain.

If a girl discovers very soon after her marriage that she has made a mistake, it is wisest for her to make the best of it; she should look for all that is good in her husband and try to forget that which she dislikes. There are times when a legal separation is necessary, but when people marry they marry for better or for worse, and if, unfortunately, it should be for worse, even that does not release them from the solemn vows which they have taken.

It is not in good taste for a husband and wife to call each other by endearing names in the presence of others.

A man has no right whatever to open his wife’s mail, but a woman should not receive any letters that she would not be willing that her husband should see.

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