How he came acquainted with lewd and vicious Apprentices. What Trade they drove together. What places and times of meeting.

I was as officious at home, as reserved from all company, never stirring forth unless called out by my Masters business, till my next Neighbours man intruded himself into my acquaintance. Who so farr insinuated himself into my affections, that I was in a manner wholly ruled by him. He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny’d but he must needs fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began to tell me what an honest fellow this Ralph the Drawer was; which words he had no sooner utter’d, but I heard him cry at the Bar, A Pint of White-wine in the Rose score; and immediately in he brings it, and in formality a glass, but we made no use of it, for he was fearful his Master would discover the cheat, and therefore desired us to be speedy in the dispatch, and so we made but two draughts thereof. Away he goes again, and brings in another, not after the same manner, but crying it Right, bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece: Now, Gentleman, (said he) using your discretion, you may sit and talk freely, without either fear or suspition, using your glass and when your pint is empty fill him again you shall not want for liquor Ladds. This something amazed me at first, till my Neighbour Thomas told me that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time could be drunk for six pence a piece. Come, come, you are but a Novice, said he; but if you will be ruled by me, I’ll shew you the way to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven years Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay more jovially than our Masters. They may be destracted with cares how to procure necessaries, pay Rent, satisfie Creditors, whilst we have none of these pressures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh word or a smart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till spring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break him at last too. It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay, restrained, from our liberty too: ’tis only by day then, we will be Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth, or the delegation of our insatiate senses.

I asked him how could this be done? He answered, If I would swear to be secret and faithful, and become a Brother of the society, he would not only tell me how all this (afore recited) might be performed, but would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used to congregate. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal, steering that course, having no other Compass to sail by then their own Fancy. Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at present I understood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the foremost in any moral wickedness. First, he informed me, that I must insinuate myself into the Maids favour, so that, when the occasion should require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else sit up for your return, making her sensible that she doth not so break her sleep for nothing. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie her kindness. If she be modest and continent, only kiss her, and that my behaviour should not be either rude or lascivious, that all my expressions should savour of Platonique, or chast love, often repeating this to her; O that I was out of my time, if it were for nothing else but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgement I have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come wherein I shall make full satisfaction for all, &c. If she be bucksome, or wantonly given, she will never be content with hopes, promises, and protestations, vows, and such like windy stuff; wherefore you must kiss, hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to somewhat else: She may put you off at first with a Pish, a Fye, or Pray be civil; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on vigorously, she will prompt you herself, to try what mettle you are made of; if dull, she will make you the Subject of her private nay and publick laughter and scorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which you may prevent several ways. Now to tell you what manner of persons we are; that are confederates; there are few among us but what are of several Trades selected, as Linnen Drapers, Mercers, Woollen Drapers, Silkmen, Hosiers, Haberdashers, Merchants, Grocers, Goldsmiths, Jewellers, Ribband-sellers, Exchange-men, to which add a Drawer and an Oyl-man, the one to furnish us with good Liquor, and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there are which signifie nothing in our Commonwealth as Pewtrers, Braziers, Plummers, &c., we are only for such as will profit the body, please the Pallate & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his several Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each respective person wants; either to supply his own occasion, or his Mistress: for it is to be supposed such a thing must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the definition of our Masters Estates, and mine of our bodily health. Further he added, that our Masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods, you must not (said he) take too much of one sort of Commodity.

All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven night at the place appointed; and so we parted. Coming home, I immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first; taking notice of what Goods we had greatest quantity; and whatsoever Commodity my Master forgot he had: I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I would try him; There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to day when you were abroad, but I could not find it: it may be he would say, We had it not; suiting my design according to desire. Having taken a thorrow view of the Shop and Ware house, I saw so many ways of advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as well as the most forward of them all.

The next thing I had to do, was to endear myself to the chief maid, who was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash myself in the Tub; and as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It required no long time to court her into a compliance; her Complexion or Temperament, forcing her acceptance of anything amorously inclined. The colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for what reason) I love above any: This may be partly the reason, because as that Complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a very white skin, so it hath two inseperable Companions, Plumpness and Bucksomness: Her skin as the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish hair, (as I said) was as white as whiteness it self: Her Cheeks naturally painted with Vermilion; plump were her Cheeks and Lips, with a mole thereon, and a dimple in her Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate herself to the service of Venus.

Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her she would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having business of importance to impart to her: She condescended to my proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their rest, her impatience to hear what I would say, made her soon send the rest to bed. The house being thus cleared, and all things silent as the Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with the greatness of my affection, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick I could invent, still touching that String which produced Loves harmonious concord; So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent and hot in my desires, that I soon melted the conjealed iceness of her Chastity: But first there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn and agreed unto, viz.

That if she proved with child, I should marry her.

That I should devote my self to her service, and nones else.

That we should both endeavour to make use of all opportunities for the enjoyment of each other.

That to prevent discovery, we should often fall out before people, that without suspition in private we might agree the better; throwing oftentimes bones at my head when sitting at Dinner, because suspition should not deprive her of the Grissel. So great was our seeming feud sometimes, that our master was called in to part us.

After this I gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs, which she faithfully and punctually promised to observe. Then did I put my hand to the instrument, and sealed the Articles with two witnesses.

The night was come wherein I was to meet according to promise. I acquainted my Amoretta with my intention of going out at twelve a clock; and that my Master might not in the least suspect me, I went to bed, but arose again at the hour promised. The first time I would not carry any Commodities with me, resolving to see first what they did. Being come to the house, I was introduced by my Neighbour Thomas into a private back-room, among the associated Brethren. I was much amazed to see such variety of Wares lie upon a long Table, as Silks, Stuffs, Cloth, Linnen and Woollen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Hoods, Scarfs, and the like. Some of them came to me, and welcomed me as a Brother, drinking to me in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar.

Most of the Company being met, they truckt with each other according to their convenience, furnishing themselves with what they either stood in need of themselves or their friends. Several things were offered me; I told them I had brought nothing to retalliate in lieu: They told me my Credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce; telling me they should have occasion to make use of me in the like nature another time. I took with me only such things as might be proper to bestow at home, on whom I had lately engaged my affections; which I presented her with, accompanied with many expressions and protestations of a never-dying affection. She accepted of my kindness with much gratitude, but thought she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her private and then particular savours, I could easily discern her inclinations by griping of my hand, kissing as if she would devour me, the palpitation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with her in the same desires, so that with much facility we two clapt up a bargain. After which; I would have betaken my self to my rest in my own bed, but that was displeasing to her, I perceived nothing would content her, but that we should be bed-fellows. I soon assented to it, though to the hazard of both our credits and fortunes. I desired her to go up first, telling her I would follow instantly after. By that time I thought she was in bed, up marcht I the stairs, which creackt as if they had conspired a discovery; Coming up to the highest stair, I raised my foot (being fearful of making any noise) thinking there had been another, it descended with such precipitation, that I made the house eccho. The Chamber wherein my Master and Mistress lay, (the maid lying in a Trundle bed underneath them) was right against this Stair-head. My Master had taken a dose more then ordinary of Sack, so that this noise awaked him not: my mistress at the first hearing thereof, imagined Thieves had broken into the house; she endeavoured to wake her Husband, by stirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the best way to lie still, expecting the event. In the mean time I lay per due, stirring not till I imagined my Mistress asleep again. The maid, concluding I durst not adventure further by reason of this unfortunate accident, fell immediately into a profound sleep. Finding (after a considerable time) all things still and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cried, Where art? Here, here, said my Mistress, in a whispering tone: minding from whence the sound came as near as I could, I directed my foot-steps to that place: The same words being repeated, conveyed me exactly to that side of the bed whereon my Mistress lay. Taking her about the neck, I kist her a thousand times: using then all the alluring and loving expressions I could invent: not perceiving my mistake, I made all the haste I could (and all too little) to undress my self; which was done in an instant: Opening the Cloths to come to bed, Hold, said my Mistress, I have a Bed fellow already; what I have suffered you to do, was only as a tryal to understand what you intended. Get you gone to your own bed for this night, and I shall talk with you farther to morrow. I durst not reply, not daring to stay longer, but betook my self to my own Chamber, possest with fear and shame, I nothing but tost and tumbled all that night, taking not the least rest.

In the morning early I was up, shewing my self more than ordinary diligent. But, Lord, what a confusion I was in, when I saw my Mistress come into the Shop? I made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the Counter, and rectifie disordered Wares: So busie I was with my back towards her, that she could not have so much as a sight of me. At length she comes up close to me, and turning me about, said, Indeed you take too much pains, you are too laborious; fair and softly; there is a great while to night yet: desist a little, I must have a word with you. Hearing this, I presumed to look in her face, and was overjoyed; for from thence I received a most alluring smile, instead of a killing frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me these expressions:

Most respectful Mistress, I do with shame confess my self in a great error: but if you will consider that the cause thereof was irresistable; I hope you will in some measure mitigate my crime. My very youthfulness speaks my Apology. You cannot be ignorant of the fervent heat of young blood, which sometimes boyls beyond its bounds. Besides the temperature of my body, (being of a Sanguine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire.

She admired to hear me speak in such a Dialect; but laying aside her wonder, she bid me tell her the whole truth, and what Contract we had concluded. I equivocated in my relation, intending to excuse the maids forwardness, and that I only designed to surprize her unawares. This Sophistry of mine did not in the least prevent my Mistresses prying wit, and quick understanding, from searching out the truth, tracing every meander, finding it out at last, though involved in a labyrinth of obscurities. She told me plainly she knew all, though I endeavoured to conceal it, and desired me, in stead of commands, to withdraw my affectionate thoughts from her, since her resolution was to divorce our persons. Adding moreover, that if I was so amorously inclined, as not content without a Female Object to exercise my passion on, I should elect such a one, whose merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth, and Power, should command my love, and finally eternize my terrestrial happiness, and so vanisht from me, leaving my cogitations to their operations.

Forty five years had not totally destroyed her beauty, but there was still remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high extraction, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which she had at her own disposal) whispered in my ear more than a common felicity. Her last words left a deep impression on my imagination, which were not so enigmatically delivered, but that I could easily interpret them advantageously enough to my purpose. I resolved within my self to acquiesce, leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection.