Every-Day Errors of Speech

MELANGE.

The invalid came from Bremen to America and hoped to be soon acclimated, but was stricken down with a disease that was not amenable to treatment, although he had many physicians: allopathists, hydropathists and homeopathists. He said that the aim of allopathy was to poison him; of hydropathy to drown him; and of homeopathy to let him die unaided.

One of the combatants struck his opponent in the abdomen with a club, cut off an alder tree; he was carried under the shade of an ailantus and immediately expired.

Sophia found the egg under a piony near the shumac tree; but she broke it in carrying, and spilled the albumen all over her alpaca dress.

The dose for an adult is a dessert-spoonful.

It was a plain supper—nothing but aerated bread, Bologna sausage and radishes.

He told his demonstrative disputant that he did not wish to get into an altercation, but it only appeared to arouse his combativeness still more.

Why do you accent the antepenult of espionage?

He illustrated his proposition by cutting off the apex of the figure, and then exhibited his apparatus for the production of statical electricity.

Two-thirds gum-arabic and one-third gum-tragacanth make a good mucilage.

The archbishop dreamed that an archangel came to him and told him to have his architect send to an island in the Grecian Archipelago for white marble for the pilasters.

Search the archives of history and you will not find another such prodigy as Admirable Crichton.

When, after traversing the ocean, you find yourself in the arid desert of Sahara, where there is no aroma of sweet flowers, or anything at all to regale your exhausted energies; where there is no herb nor herbaceous plant near you; where you are almost famished for want of some potable fluid; where you are in constant fear of being harassed by truculent nomads—then will you realize that there are no joys comparable to those that exist around the hearthstone of your humble home.

When the contents of the museum were sold by auction, the antiquary bought a roll of papyrus filled with hieroglyphics, a kind of bellows used by the ancients for starting their fires, and a fine collection of trilobites.

The attempt at a reconnoisance in force had been unsuccessful; immediately after reveille, the commander of the fortress put it to vote amongst his officers, whether or not they should surrender. The ayes carried it, although some vehemently opposed on account of the excellent morale of the garrison.

The heroine of the melodrama sent to her betrothed Seignior an exquisite bouquet, composed of catalpa flowers, dahlias, marigold and thyme, and prayed his forgiveness for not allowing him the promised tÊte-À-tÊte at the trysting place; she had been suffering with the tic-douloureux, she said. He generously forgave her and sent her a sonnet, in which he said that her voice was sweeter than that of Piccolomini, or any other cantatrice; that no houri could be more beautiful than she; he called her a fair florist, and after extolling her naÏvetÉ, roseate cheeks and nymphean graces, he swore eternal homage and that he would love her forever and for aye.

The judge bade the desperado cease his badinage and answer his inquiries, and threatened that if he did not, he would punish him for his contumacy.

The vicar was one of the notable men of his day; his wife was a pattern of industry, a notable housekeeper. While the birds were chirping their matin song, she might be seen with her besom in her hand.

Is this a bona fide transaction, or is it a Machiavelian attempt to inveigle the prelate into an imbroglio?

A booth was erected at the fair where the pretty Misses Agnes and Rosalind with much complaisance dispensed gratis to the visitors, soda-water flavored with orgeat or sarsaparilla.

General Silvester and his protÉgÉ, Reginald, met with a casualty that nearly cost them their lives. The horses attached to their Brougham became frightened at a yacht and made a tremendous leap over a high embankment into a creek.

At the zoological garden was found nearly every animal extant, from a mouse to a camelopard.

The rendezvous of the topographical surveyors was at the camp of some hunters on a knoll near the banks of a caÑon.

The monk concealed his features with his capoch and would have been irrecognizable if his discourse had not betrayed him.

The ÉtagÈre stands cater-cornered in a recess and contains many beautiful ornaments that his predecessor gathered within the last decade of years; amongst which may be mentioned the heads of Beethoven, BÉranger, Goethe, Percy Bysshe Shelley, and many other celebrities, cut in onyx.

The Caucasian races obtained their name on account of originating near Mount Caucasus.

The mischievous children got cayenne all over their chaps, by which they were sufficiently punished without any further chastening.

The chivalric Don Quixote, having become a monomaniac on the subject of chivalry, bestrode his Rosinante, and, attended by his squire, started out to perform chivalrous deeds.

Lord C. has been absent since February, 1870; it is said that he has been traveling incognito, but it is certain that in Italy he has retained his cognomen. He is now at Modena awaiting the recovery of his Cicerone, when he intends to visit Genoa and Milan.

The obesity of the florid-faced prebendary is observed to increase with his prebend.

I have heard much of the gamins of Gotham, but I never realized what the gallows-deserving rascals were till I settled in New York City. I opened business as a pharmaceutist on a corner that was a favorite haunt of theirs. Such a crowd of tatterdemalions as stood in front of my show-window the first day I made my display of Parisian fancy goods, baffles description. One had the hooping cough, and every now and then would hoop till the perspiration rolled down his face; then he would shriek out the daily newspapers, in a voice like a calliope. One dirty-faced gourmand ate papaws till he had to gape for breath, and would shoot the seeds and throw the skins at his hundred comrades, half of them coming in my front door. Another, dressed in ragged jean, his face covered with soot, played the jew's-harp hour after hour, with as much pride in his ability as Paganini at his violin. Another, a tall, jaundice visaged youth with an embryo beard of about a dozen hairs, covered nearly to his heels with his great-grandfather's surtout, in the lapel of which was pinned a death's-head, danced upon the iron cellar door till it roared like distant artillery.

Then there were many other "partners" bearing such sobriquets as "Sore Snoot," "Pig Eye," "Limpy," etc., improvising irrational songs, boxing, wrestling, indulging in raillery and ribald jests, pitching quoits, meawing like cats, howling at my patrons and driving reputable patronage away. Every now and then they would send in little, saucy, precocious urchins, who offered to patronize me by asking for two cents' worth of jujube paste, tolu or licorice, or some Samaritan salve for Jim Biles' sore nose. At last, when the sun had reached the horizon, as a finale of the day's progress, one of the young villains hurled a bowlder through my French plate-glass, which, after its flight through a lot of citrate of magnesia, cochineal and quinine, finally spilled a large bottle of red ink all over my new pharmacopoeia. Springing over the dÉbris, I rushed to the door with implacable anger flashing from my eyes. But one glance at that imperturbable crowd showed me how impotent I was. One of them with placid countenance and stolid indifference simply accosted me with, "Say, Mister, are you going to see the 'Naiad Queen' to-night?"

I left that store in less than a fortnight.

The comptroller was appointed by the government upon the supposition that he was conversant with the details of finance; but he was only a mediocre financier and was not aware of the deficit in the finances, until the conscience-stricken defalcating officer acknowledged his defalcation.

The emigrants to the frontier chose a beautiful spot for their settlement; but they found that the wells dug there and on the contiguous prairies had a saline taste; so they were obliged to bring water from the mountainous region beyond, by means of a conduit.

From the congeries presented to the professor, he, at his leisure, isolated each genus and gave generic names to each; and at the next meeting of the lyceum, he solicited attention to his data and the truths he had deduced.

The handsome contour of Madame G's face has been spoiled by an excrescence like a raspberry on her nasal organ.

Young Philemon after reading Lalla Rookh, Lara, Don Juan, The Giaour, the productions of Mrs. Hemans, and a few others, was seized with the determination to become a poet; but he has only succeeded in becoming a poetaster, without any ideas of prosody. More metrical excellence and sense can be found in the distich:

"Mary, Mary, quite contrary,

How does your garden grow?"

than in any of the products of his brain that he has given us. His brothers, Eben and Philander, have become stage-struck, and expect to excel in the Protean art. Their guardian, himself a great lover of drama, having foolish confidence in their success, grants them plenary indulgence in all their whims. They are habituÉs of the theatre, and have fitted up a suite of apartments next to a suit of rooms occupied by some stock actors, with whom they are bound in indissoluble bonds of friendship. There they spend the day in practice, and if you should call at any hour, there is no telling what will present itself to you. Perhaps Macbeth with the glamour of his eyes, viewing the imaginary gouts of blood; or Banquo with his gory locks; or some knight with his cuirass on and his visor down, plunging, without a qualm, his carmine-stained poniard into the jugular of some patriot. Possibly, Othello the Moor, King John with the Magna Charta, or a legendary warrior of frightful mien with his falchion drawn, will admit you. Or you may see a viscount with falcon, a rampant villain, a jocund host, or an irate, splenetic old man with spectacles, pronouncing with senile vehemence a curse upon some fragile female in negligee before him, who beseeches the aid of an immobile statue in a niche in the wall. You may get there in the nick of time to save Desdemona by an exposÉ of Iago'so villainy, to rescue Pythias whom Damon holds by the nape of the neck on the threshold of eternity, or to restrain the suicidal design of the Montague by informing him that the fair Capulet is only under the influence of a soporific—not dead. You may arrive soon enough to arouse the womanhood in the docile Kate, making her less docible, and talk woman's rights to Petruchio, making him more lenient.

And you will find the guardian of these promising youths, sitting there all day shouting encore to their absurdities, and not rational enough to see his indiscretion in permitting their frivolity.

The ennui, recently complained of, was relieved by an invitation to a party given by the Mesdames B., the same you met at the conversazione of the church guild. The ladies received their guests with their usual suavity. Their niece, Rosamond, recently from Madrid, was the attraction of the evening; she wore an elegant moire antique with a profusion of valenciennes; she had a beautiful set of jewelry—opal and diamonds. It was marvelous how her tiny hands flew over the piano-forte. She sings very sweetly too; her voice is a sort of mezzo-soprano. The naÏve Miss Ursula was present, nearly smothered in black silk and guipure. She looks much prettier in dishabille. The little piquant Miss Irene, with her plaited hair, sang with a voice like a paroquet her favorite, "Tassels on the Boots." That disgusting young Leopold was there, feeling as important as a Rothschild, making his salams, and palavering sotto voce to all the girls, circulating his monogram cards and sporting his paste pin with its dazzling facets. He thinks he cuts a wide swath.

Late in the evening those that were fond of Terpsichorean amusement were ushered into a room where the tapestry was covered and there spent several hours in minuets, waltzes, quadrilles, etc.

The topics of conversation amongst the more sensible during the evening were the object of the visit of the new prelate, and the recent speeches of Disraeli and Thiers.

Madame B. caused a good deal of merriment by describing an improvement in her cuisine that had been introduced that day. Bridget, a late importation from Belfast, who had charge of the culinary department, was told to send for some vermicelli to put in the soup, but she ordered spermaceti instead.

There was an old superstition that when the sacristan caused the bell in the cupola to toll its dolorous funeral notes, the manes of former friends joined in the solemn cortege, and gathering around the grave moved their lips in inaudible requiem, and wrote in invisible letters upon the tomb, omega.

The great desideratum in the successful argument of disputable points, is the possession of an equable temper.

Alphonso, while out hunting partridges, fell into a slough. Being clothed only in nainsook, he took a severe cold, which soon resulted in febrile symptoms.

Dr. Mastiff's posthumous monograph on "Rabies" will soon appear. The frontispiece represents a group of dogs. Next to the preface is a memoir of the author. It was his own design to have "Finis" placed upon a cut of a tombstone. It almost seems that he had a presentiment of his death.

Suffice it to say that the dentist gave the patient enough letheon to produce unconsciousness, and then applied his forceps to the offending tooth. Letheon, accented on the first syllable, and lethean are derived from Lethe, the name of a river described in mythology, a draught from which caused forgetfulness.

Sulphurous acid is gaseous, not liquid.

It is reported in the Pall Mall Gazette that Basil S., whom you met several years ago at Leipsic, is dead. He lived the life of a rouÉ for some years in Paris and London, and turned out to be a most perfidious villain. In the latter city he committed many heinous offenses and acts of subtle knavery that were almost without precedent. He was engaged for a long time in the manufacture of spurious money by a new process, in which dies were taken from gutta-percha impressions. He had purchased the services of an experienced professor of metallurgy, and the produce of their crime would have been immense, if some of his other crimes had not been betrayed. Placards, offering a large reward for his arrest, were posted all over the city. He fled to Venice where he was soon afterward drowned by falling from a gondola, thus cheating the gibbet of its dues.

The foolish lover, Ivan, rendered desperate because his rival Darius had gained the precedence in Marion's esteem, resolved to commit suicide and rushed toward the quay and plunged into the water. Some fishermen rescued him with their seine, poured some potheen down his throat, and carried him home on a piece of tarpaulin. His sousing cured him of his folly, but was a poor guerdon for his faithfulness.

The Saracens, taking advantage of the strategic point, made a sudden dash into the territory of the usurper; while a detachment houghed the horses of the enemy's cavalry, the rest proceeded on a predatory raid characterized by rapine and terror, and after the spoliation of the villages, and the burning of the granaries, returned to their own possessions.

Lionel, prejudiced against the world on account of onerous cares, concluded to make a sacrifice of his wealth and position and become a recluse. His little hovel on the heather, whitened with lime which he himself slaked, and the little flower garden redolent of spring, present a strange contrast with his former mansion and magnificent grounds.

Eva answered the inquiry of the French gentleman, "Parlez-vous franÇais?" with a "Oui;" but when she came to converse with him, he understood about as much of her patois as he did of Hindoostanee.

There is a fabulous report that the upas tree exhales a subtile vapor that is fatal to animal life.

Since Joshua has obtained his lucrative sinecure, he spends his time in riding about in his phaeton and reading romances. He is loth to acknowledge that he was ever a plebeian and did all kinds of servile work. He is confident that his genealogy, if known, would show that he was unto a manor born, and that some supposititious child robbed him of his rights.

The knight dropped his wassail cup and sprang to the assistance of the ladies. "Gramercy," quoth they, simultaneously.

The veterinary physician said that the disease was murrain.

An infinitesimal quantity of yeast excited the fermentation.

Augustine studied microscopy just long enough to learn that a monad is one of the simplest kind of minute animalcules; he then tried chemistry and mineralogy, but he could not master the nomenclature; he then took a fancy for telegraphy, but soon abandoned the idea of becoming a telegraphist. At last accounts, he apprenticed himself to a druggist, but was told to vamos soon after making up a lot of Seidlitz powders with oxalic instead of tartaric acid.

Artemas has applied for a patent on an improved turbine wheel.

Mr. B., recollecting the precedent services of his servant, advanced him money enough to lift the lien on his dwelling.

The lithographer had only a poor melanotype to copy from, but he succeeded in making an excellent print.

"Thou shalt destroy them that speak leasing," is found in the sixth verse of the fifth psalm.

At the examination in orthoepy, Deborah had the following words given to her: contumely, crinoline, feudal, fetid, fetor, gerund, gneiss, gyrfalcon, harem, Hawaiian, hygiene, lariat, leverage, nonillion, obligatory, platina, platinum, psalmody, psychical, purulent, pyrites, recherchÉ, rÉsumÉ, sacerdotal, sacrament, schism, shekel, stearine and troches.

The objective, me, is often erroneously used instead of the nominative, I, in answer to the question—"Who is there?"

In the dramatis personÆ of "Midsummer Night's Dream," Oberon and Titania, king and queen of the fairies, are introduced.

At the examination in geography, Ada was required to draw a map of Asia, which would have been well done, if she had not drawn Persia, Afghanistan and Beloochistan nearly twice their proper size. She was then asked to give the location and length of the Altai and Vosges mountains, and the height of their principal peaks; a description of the Aral, Adriatic and Caribbean seas; the course and length of the Amoor and Yang tse-kiang; and the location and population of Valparaiso (Chili), Bantam, (Java), Norwich, (Eng.), Pesth, Quebec, Valenciennes, Neufchatel, Nantes and Aix-la-Chapelle.

Her sister, Frances, was told to draw maps of Buenos Ayres and Otaheite, and to bound Venezuela and Arkansas; to give the length and direction of the Araguay, Juniata, Kankakee, Barbados and San Joaquin; the location of Cape Agulhas; the situation and population of Bingen, Calais, Canton, Acapulco, Chuquisaca, Delhi, Dubuque, Jeddo, Quereturo, Truxillo, Leicester and Vevay, and a description of Sumatra, Zanzibar, Barbadoes and the Antilles.

Sigismund has just returned from Yosemite Valley.

Cecily, Chloe and Viola have just passed their examination in biography. The names presented to them were the following: N. S. Adam (Fr.), G. Adam (Ger.), Beatrice Cenci, Blucher, Boccaccio, Anne Boleyn, Marco Bozzaris, Joseph Buonaparte, D'AubignÉ, Daubigny, Drouyn de Lhuys, Juarez, Lavater, Marat, Marion, Catherine de Medici, Moultrie, Ovid, Pliny, Ponce de Leon and Richelieu.

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