The monetary system of England is the ideal philosophy of political economists, who, in the conviction that "nothing exists," think it no "matter" to found a variety of hypotheses to give tangibility to the intangible, substance to accident, and reality to the abstract; in short, to personify "nothing."

These intangible tangibilities bear various names, such as Consols, Bank Stock, Indian Stock, Long Annuities, Exchequer Bills, &c. The aggregate of these 0 0 0 0 0 noughts are, by a peculiar process of national arithmetic, made to amount to Stock or Funds. Stocks or Funds are the true substantials. In the golden ages of the world, cattle, corn, and merchandise were the medium of exchange among nations; but as men grew more enlightened, they agreed to represent these things by pieces of conventional metal. This at last becoming scarce, the world would have fallen into a state of hapless and irrecoverable ruin, but for the idea of a fictitious representation of a representation, of a non-existent which might have been.

Funds are therefore the to kalon, the absolute, the logos, the never-to-be-apprehended, the inscrutable, the supreme totality of "emptiness," the absolute cause, the absolute effect, the absolute concurrence of national faith; in short, the commercial "ideal" which all men worship, in its temples of the Bank and Stock Exchange.

Stocks are the "heaven of this religion," an agreeable hallucination, by which a variety of insane persons, called Stockholders or Fundholders, are permitted to roam at large under the conviction that they possess wealth. The public are compelled to believe in these fictitious representations, which are the foundation of the "imaginative system" in fiscal affairs, of the Bill and Credit system in commerce, and of the National Debt.

In England there is nothing truly national but this debt, or dead weight, which is the mighty pendulum which makes the national clock "go upon tick." It is the true foundation of political economy and of social faith or trust; "'pon tick" is the basis of the wealth and happiness of our country, which it makes the envy of the world and the glory of surrounding nations.

To be in debt argues credit, and credit respectability, and respectability means, and means resolve themselves into the Funds; here they merge into the blessed obscurity of "nothingness," and being absorbed by the same media, pass for a "something" which is far more formidable than "anything." Thus private wealth moves in a circle continually, making the round O from 0 (nothing) to 0 (nothing.)

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Joint Stock.—Joint Stock Companies are so called from the projectors being generally "black legs," and their victims "raw Jemmies." The object of such companies is to give honesty the "cross buttock," to have a "shind eye" with capital, and to end in an "offal" bankruptcy.

From a consideration of the immediately preceding rules, and assuming as a fact the spiritual and ethereal nature of stock or capital, it is therefore proposed to found a Joint-Stock Company of unlimited capital, to be called the Boreal Pneumatic Joint-Stock Company, for "raising the wind," and making "darkness visible," or the National "Puff" Company.

Raising the wind has been the great problem of all financial operations. It is of far more importance than "raising the dead." The "wind" is a conventional term for the "needful." It is called wind because it is raised by various "Puffs."

There are various kinds of Puff; the Puff National, the Puff Medical, the Puff Legal, the Puff Literary, the "Puff Theatrical," and the Puff Scholastic.

THE PUFF NATIONAL—A ROYAL SPEECH.

My Lords and Gentlemen,—The flourishing state of my empire having filled me with the most intense satisfaction, I have called you together to inform you that we are the envy of the world and glory of surrounding nations, and that everything is so plentiful that pigs run about the streets ready roasted, with carving knives and forks stuck in their backs, crying, "Eat me, eat me!"

I continue to receive from foreign powers the most friendly intercourse, and an assurance that they have unanimously agreed to sink their own national interests in a regard for my welfare; and in this I am certain there is no "gammon."

The Commercial and Mercantile interests are in such a state of convalescent perfection, and gold is so plentiful, that I have ordered a commission to consider of the propriety of paving with it the various thoroughfares of the metropolis, in lieu of Blockheads.

Owing to a great improvement in Benevolent affairs, it is with pleasure I have to inform you that the Public Societies have given up their vested rights, dues, peculations, and pickings, for the benefit of the poor, (should there be any such,) and will henceforth "preach without Profit."

Owing also to the general distribution of wealth among all classes, I have been enabled to divest physic of its fees, and law of its charges; and both these professions will for henceforth be conducted "free gratis" and "for nothing."

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Gentlemen of the House of Commons,—Through the practice of the most rigid economy in every branch of my establishment, I have directed to be laid before you an account of the sums paid into the Exchequer, being the surplus of my revenue; and I have further to inform you that taxation being no longer necessary, the expense of a house of commons may be dispensed with, and the large sums usually paid in "bribery at elections," I trust will be left to fructify in the pockets of the members.

This constitutional determination on my part, for the benefit of my people, has arisen from my being called, by Divine Providence, to a sense of my true estate of a State pauper, which has led me to reduce my dietary and that of my household to that of the Poor-Law Unions, and to introduce teatotality into every department; and I have great gratification in being able to announce, that as I have now lost "having a shadow" to my royal personality, I may myself be shortly expected to evaporize, and the expense of a monarchy may be saved for the future.

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My Lords and Gentlemen,—With and by the advice of my Privy Council, I have determined upon putting into execution the hydrostatic paradox, or cold water cure, in and upon that part of my dominions called Ireland; and a commission consisting of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal has been issued for laying that "flower of the earth and gem of the sea" "under water" for the space of one month, as the best method of extinguishing the torch of discord, the fire of malevolence, and the smoke of sedition, and of allaying all ferment upon Atlantic if not upon pacific principles.

I rely confidently upon the wisdom of my Parliament to enable me to carry out my beneficent intentions of subjecting all my people to "live upon air," as the symbol of true freedom, and as the most liberal and inexpensive method of obviating the evils which have hitherto surrounded my throne and government; and I would submit to your serious consideration the expediency of establishing a training school at Exeter Hall, for teaching wind instruments to all my subjects, and for the arrangement of airs corresponding to the various meals, feasts, and dishes of every day life; and I indulge the anticipation that the substitution of oxygen for oxen, and gas for Gastronomy, will be conducive to the health, wealth, and prosperity of my empire.

THE PUFF SCHOLASTIC.

UNIVERSAL
School-Master's Manufacturing Company,
AND NORMAL SCHOOL.

CAPITAL—SPEC.

PATRON.

His Royal Highness Hoke Poke Whangee Fum.
King of the Cannibal Islands.

PRESIDENT.

Samuel Slick, Esq. of Slickville.

VICE-PRESIDENTS.

• John Sheppard, Esq.
• The Hon. Mr. Pickwick.
• Tim Bobbin, Esq.
• James Crow, Esq.
• Samuel Weller, Esq.
• William Black, Esq. alias "Black Billy."

COMMITTEE.

• Daniel Dunce, Esq.
• George Greenhorn.
• Samuel Spooney.
• Darby Dollerhead, Esq.
• Francis Flat.
• Stephen Stutters.

This Company is established in consequence of the lamented deficiency in the scholastic profession; and its object is to manufacture schoolmasters of a very superior character, at a cheap rate, from various "refuse" articles of all trades and professions—technically, the "unfit" or good-for-nothing.

In consequence of a profound investigation of the science of education, it has been discovered that those who are unable to conduct any other business, are the best adapted to "teach the young idea how to shoot;" and therefore cast-off cobblers, tailors, teachers, and drapers, shop-boys and errand-boys, will be received into the establishment at the rate of a guinea a-week; where, by the aid of educational galvanism, their misdirected faculties will be sublimed, their ideas topsiturvied, their moral and intellectual nature turned inside out, their understandings new vamped, soled, and welted, and their minds infused with a succedaneum of intellectual electricity, which shall evaporate itself in the mixed mathematics, pedagogicks, whackbackics, pancakeatics, tickletobyatics, and all other scholastic sciences.

Candidates must bring personal recommendations, of a squint, a slouch, a leer, a game leg, a hump back, or any other accomplishments. Should they be unfortunately destitute of these, they may produce testimonials of fitness from their washerwomen; but those who do not indulge in the luxury of a clean shirt may be recommended by the teacher of any Social sect to which they may belong. These certificates must certify them to be bumble headed, addle-pated, numbsculled, good for nothing else; that they wear dickeys and are donkeys.

Upon entering the Institution the seminants will be forced to forget everything they ever knew, by a machine invented by Mr. Combe for "Razing out the errors of the brain," and which has been used with the happiest effects at the Glasgow Normal Establishment.—A perfect Tabla Rasa being thus produced in vacuo, on Locke's principle, the professors will commence teaching their pupils to know a great A from a bull's foot, how many beans make five, and other branches of the pure mathematics.

As all the seminants will be naturals, Natural Philosophy will be a principal object of study, and the mechanical system of Dr. Lardner will be the text-book. History will be imparted through the renowned histories of "Jack the Giant Killer," "Jack and the Bean Stalk," "The Ogre and his Seven-leagued Boots," and the "Newgate Calendar," under the superintendence of John Ketch, Esq.; Morality and Esthenics through the medium of "Ovid's Art of Love," "Basia," and "Little's Poems;" while the Principles of Science will be imparted through the "Boxiana," by Professor Cribb, assisted by the celebrated Scotch terrier, "Fudge."

Religion being in the highest degree essential, it cannot be dispensed with without endangering the safety of the Company. But as there are so many different sects of religionists, and so many differences in the sects, it is proposed to teach religion by machinery, on the comprehensive accommodation principle of expediency, by means of one of Cobbett's cast-iron Independent parsons, which, being constructed upon the profoundest principles of neutrality, will satisfy all parties, by teaching every religion at the same time, and none in particular: thus Atheism and Methodism may shake hands together, Mahommedanism and Calvinism embrace, and Buddhism and every other schism kiss each other in the true spirit of Christian liberality and equality. Degrees will be granted to those pupils who may distinguish themselves in flagellation, or a dexterous use of the cat or tawse, or by proficiency in the evolutions of cane, strap, or ruler; the degree of P.W., Professed Walloper, being equal to that of A.M.

(Signed)
The Right Rev. Rob. Tailor,
The Right Hon. P. Cleave,
The Very Rev. Rob. Carlisle,
Simon Squeers,
Secretary.

THE PUFF NOVEL.

We are requested to announce that the new Novel, called the "Bloody-minded Costermonger, or the Donkey's Apotheosis," having experienced a sale unprecedented in the annals of Literature, a new edition is in preparation, worked by steam apparatus, to supply the astounding demand, and will be issued on Saturday next.

"This extraordinary work is creating a sensation the most intense, as it completely daguerreotypes nature, penetrates the feelings like the electric shock, macadamises the heart, and cuts the soul to shivers."—The Censor.

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New Novel by "Snivie." Written seven months after his decease, by the aid of the galvanic apparatus.—It having come to the ears of an experimental philosopher, La Fontaine, that this great author was no more, and it being justly surmised that a very large amount of Novel matter must remain in his system, La Fontaine undertook the task of extracting it by means of the mesmeric process, and has succeeded with wonderful effect. In performing his numerous experiments the flashes of wit were so intense as to overpower the anxious publisher, who, in the intensity of his admiration, has paid so large a sum for the copyright as to be enabled to add to the character of the work by charging double.

THE PUFF THEATRICAL.

It is with the most astounding rapture that the Manager of the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane, has to announce that the new tragedy of "Chandos the Briber, or the Independent Potwalloper," which met with the most transcendent success on its first representation, has been recharged by the Author with pathetic scenes and tender situations, abounding with the most overpowering sentiment and overwhelming pathos. The Manager regrets that the cascades of tears which fell from the boxes and gallery during the last representation should have inconvenienced the "critics in the pit," and begs to inform them that, for the future, they shall not sit ankle deep in the "briny flood," he having, at a prodigious expense, and by the aid of a distinguished engineer, succeeded in forming a grand branch aqueduct, which will receive through the floor of the house "Nature's gentle droppings," and, by an appropriate channel, transmit them to the back of the stage to a grand reservoir. Thus, the last scene of the tragedy, which represents the bombardment of Stow House by Norfolk dumplings, will be represented on "real salt water;" the said salt water being an accumulation of the tears shed at the preceding scenes of the tragedy.

N. B. It is particularly requested that ladies or gentlemen in the boxes will refrain from wringing out their pocket handkerchiefs over the pit, and that those in the front ranks will discontinue the practice of "hoisting umbrellas," which must obviously obstruct a view of the stage.

THE PUFF MERCANTILE.

Reform your Tailor's Bills.—Clothes saved and Tailors annihilated. "In puris naturalibus." "Where there is no sin there should be no shame."—Cool contrivance for warm weather, the fig-leaf apron, the oldest garment upon record, or the sacred tunic. This unique and perfect introduction, formed of the common dock, having been patronised by the highest authority, will be supplied to all who value cool comfort and free motion of the limbs, at a guinea each. To the religiously-disposed it is particularly eligible, being the original antique of Adam and Eve, our first parents, the pattern of which was found in the archives of Strawberry Hill. It comes half way to the knee, hangs simply and elegantly before and behind, and may be had of various colours to suit the complexion. It cannot fail to display the fine form of the limbs, and imparts a degree of interest to the whole person not to be found in common pantaloons, and has the advantage of being adapted to both sexes. Observe,

97 SMOCK ALLEY, SHOREDITCH. 97

N. B. An inferior tunic of cabbage-leaves, half a guinea.

THE PUFF CLERICAL.

VOLUNTARY CHURCH-GOING COMPANY.

The lamentable neglect of public worship, which characterises the present generation, being such as to call for the most rigorous methods, and it having been discovered that fine and imprisonment are insufficient to make the people "religiously disposed," it is in contemplation to found a Society or Company which, reprobating the principle of coercion as unconstitutional in its means, futile in its ends, shall, by the mild suavity of enticement, induce the lower classes of this country to seek, on the Sabbath-day, in preference to all other places, the Conventicle.

But to do this effectually it will require a sum of considerable magnitude, which it is proposed to raise by "sequestration shares," comprising the amount of 20 millions sterling. The proceeds to be applied to the objects in view; namely, the establishment of cook-shops and dining-rooms in union with the various dissenting places of worship, to be free, gratis, and for nothing; and it is fondly anticipated that the savoury scents of the roast, and the boiled, the fried and the stewed, and the relish of pies and puddings, will be more efficacious in inducing the poor to attend to their religious duties than the red-hot denunciations formerly employed.

It is a fact too clearly established by the concurrent testimony of ages, that those who are bred to the chapel expect the chapel to be bread to them; and it is only fair that the poor and needy should stand in a congenial relative situation.

Subscribers are therefore earnestly solicited in aid of this great national object, as one of the best means to put a stop to the spread of infidelity, to destroy Socialism, to promote the practice of true piety, and thus add to the safety and security of the nation.

Names and Subscriptions are to be sent, addressed to Mr. Cullum Hordly, Gorgon-office, Fleet-street, London.

THE PUFF LITERARY.

OPINIONS OF THE PRESS.

"Comic Arithmetic is the best work ever issued from the press; it is not only multum in parvo, but a rara avis in terra—a splendid ebullition of wit; and the diamond gems of humour which lie in its depths, sparkle with merriment as the stream of the Author's feelings glitters over it, rendering the sensations intense, heart-thrilling, and side-shaking."—Defunct Gazette.

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"Comic Arithmetic.—If we wonder that the human mind could have conceived such a project, what must be our astonishment to find all its beatific visions realized, in such abundant corruscations of wit and drollery, which irradiate every page! It is equal in intellectual splendour to that mental Claude's, Robert Montflummery's poem, "The Last of the Gewgaws," and resembles Vauxhall on a gala night, or the illuminations of St. Peter at the Zollicogical Gardens."—Imaginary Review.

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"Comic Arithmetic is a specific for the doldrums and a cure for the heart-ache; has been known to perform a perfect cure on dyspeptic patients at a single sitting; it is an anodyne for the gout, an assuager of rheumatism; it may be called an electrical merry-thought, or the galvanism of witticism; which, by convulsing with laughter, would shake out a legion of blue devils in the twinkling of a bed-post."—Embryo Magazine.

VALETE AC PLAUDITE.

R. CLAY, PRINTER, BREAD STREET HILL, LONDON.

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NEW EDITIONS OF POPULAR WORKS.

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WILLIAM BECKFORD, ESQ.
ITALY;
WITH SKETCHES OF SPAIN AND PORTUGAL, AND AN EXCURSION TO THE MONASTERIES OF ALCOBACA AND BATALHA.
By William Beckford, Esq. Author of "Vathek." Embellished with a fine Portrait of Mr. Beckford, from the original painting by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Price 6s. neatly bound.

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WASHINGTON IRVING, ESQ.
ASTORIA.
By Washington Irving. With Portrait. Price 6s. neatly bound.

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W. H. MAXWELL, ESQ.
WILD SPORTS OF THE WEST.
By W. H. Maxwell, Esq. Author of "Stories of Waterloo," &c. With Fifteen Engravings. Price 6s. neatly bound.

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MRS. TROLLOPE.
DOMESTIC MANNERS OF THE AMERICANS.
By Mrs. Trollope. With Fifteen Engravings (including a Portrait of Mrs. Trollope). Price 6s. neatly bound.

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CAPT. CHAMIER, R.N.
THE LIFE OF A SAILOR.
By Capt. Chamier. With Engravings. Price 6s. neatly bound.

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REV. G. R. GLEIG.
TRADITIONS OF CHELSEA HOSPITAL.
By the Rev. G. R. Gleig. With Portrait of the Author. Price 6s. neatly bound.

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NEW WORKS OF WIT AND HUMOUR

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I.
In Two Vols. 8vo. with numerous Illustrations by Leech,
THE INGOLDSBY LEGENDS;
OR, MIRTH AND MARVELS.
BY THOMAS INGOLDSBY, ESQ.
*** Either series may be had separately, in One Volume, price 10s. 6d.

II.
In One Volume, post 8vo. with upwards of Eighty Illustrations by Leech, price 10s. 6d.
THE WASSAIL BOWL.
BY ALBERT SMITH, ESQ.

III.
In Two Volumes, post 8vo. with One Hundred and Fifty Illustrations, price 18s.
CROWQUILL'S COMIC SKETCHES;
OR, THE PHANTASMAGORIA OF FUN.

IV.
In post 8vo. with upwards of Fifty characteristic Illustrations by Leech, price 8s.
THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR.
By the Author of "The Comic Latin Grammar."

V.
In Two Volumes, post 8vo. with numerous Illustrations by Leech, &c. including several fac-similes of rare and unique old Prints, price 21s.
MERRIE ENGLAND IN THE OLDEN TIME;
OR,
Peregrinations with Uncle Tim and Mr. Bosky, of Little Britain, Drysalter
BY GEORGE DANIEL.

VI.
In One Volume, post 8vo. with numerous Illustrations by Leech, price 10s. 6d.
THE PORCELAIN TOWER;
OR, NINE STORIES OF CHINA.
BY T. H. SEALY.

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RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET.
*** TO BE HAD ALSO OF ALL BOOKSELLERS.

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Now in course of publication, in neatly bound pocket volumes, price Six Shillings each, printed and embellished with Engravings uniformly with the "Waverley Novels," to which they are suitable companions,

The Standard Novels and Romances.

THIS COLLECTION NOW CONTAINS

• Vol.
• 1. The Pilot, by Cooper.
• 2. Caleb Williams, by Godwin.
• 3. The Spy, by Cooper.
• 4. Thaddeus of Warsaw, by Miss Jane Porter.
• 5. St. Leon, by Godwin.
• 6. Last of the Mohicans, by Cooper.
• 7 and 8. The Scottish Chiefs, by Miss Jane Porter.
• 9. Frankenstein, by Mrs. Shelley; and Ghost Seer, Vol. I. by Schiller.
• 10. Edgar Huntly, by Brockden Brown; and Conclusion of Ghost Seer.
• 11. Hungarian Brothers, by Miss A. M. Porter.
• 12 and 13. Canterbury Tales, by the Misses Lee.
• 14. The Pioneers, by Cooper.
• 15. Self Control, by Mrs. Brunton.
• 16. Discipline, by Mrs. Brunton.
• 17. The Prairie, by Cooper.
• 18 and 19. The Pastor's Fire-side, by Miss Jane Porter.
• 20. Lionel Lincoln, by Cooper.
• 21. Lawrie Todd, by Galt.
• 22. Fleetwood, by Godwin.
• 23. Sense & Sensibility, by Miss Austen.
• 24. Corinne, by Madame de Stael.
• 25. Emma, by Miss Austen.
• 26. Simple Story, and Nature and Art, by Mrs. Inchbald.
• 27. Mansfield Park, by Miss Austen.
• 28. Northanger Abbey, and Persuasion, by Miss Austen.
• 29. The Smuggler, by Banim.
• 30. Pride and Prejudice, by Miss Austen.
• 31. Stories of Waterloo, by Maxwell.
• 32. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, by Victor Hugo.
• 33. The Borderers, by Cooper.
• 34. Eugene Aram, by Bulwer.
• 35. Maxwell, by Theodore Hook.
• 36. Water Witch, by Cooper.
• 37. Mothers & Daughters, by Mrs. Gore.
• 38. The Bravo, by Cooper.
• 39. The Heiress of Bruges, by Grattan.
• 40. Red Rover, by Cooper.
• 41. Vathek, by Beckford; Castle of Otranto, by Horace Walpole; and Bravo of Venice, by M. G. Lewis.
• 42. The Country Curate, by Gleig.
• 43. The Betrothed, by Manzoni.
• 44. Hajji Baba, by Morier.
• 45. Hajji Baba in England, by Morier.
• 46. The Parson's Daughter, by Theodore Hook.
• 47. Paul Clifford, by Bulwer.
• 48. The Younger Son, by Capt. Trelawny.
• 49. The Alhambra, by Washington Irving; The Last of the Abencerrages, by Chateaubriand; and The Involuntary Prophet, by Horace Smith.
• 50. The Headsman, by Cooper.
• 51 and 52. Anastasius, by Hope.
• 53. Darnley, by James.
• 54. Zohrab, by Morier.
• 55. Heidenmauer, by Cooper.
• 56. De L'Orme, by James.
• 57. Headlong Hall, Nightmare Abbey, Maid Marian, and Crotchet Castle, by Peacock.
• 58. Trevelyan, by the Author of "A Marriage in High Life."
• 59. Philip-Augustus, by James.
• 60. Rookwood, by Ainsworth.
• 61. Henry Masterton, by James.
• 62. Peter Simple, by Marryat.
• 63. Jacob Faithful, by Marryat.
• 64. Japhet in search of a Father, by Marryat.
• 65. King's Own, by Marryat.
• 66. Mr. Midshipman Easy, by Marryat.
• 67. Newton Forster, by Marryat.
• 68. The Pacha of many Tales, by Marryat.
• 69. Rattlin the Reefer.
• 70. Captain Blake; or, My Life, by Maxwell.
• 71. Helen, by Miss Edgeworth.
• 72. The Last Days of Pompeii, by Bulwer.
• 73. The Bivouac, by Maxwell.
• 74. Precaution, by Cooper.
• 75. Jack Brag, by Theodore Hook.
• 76. Rory O'More, by Lover.
• 77. Ben Brace, by Capt. Chamier.
• 78. The Vicar of Wrexhill, by Mrs. Trollope.
• 79. The Buccaneer, by Mrs. S. C. Hall.
• 80. Tylney Hall, by Thomas Hood.
• 81. The Widow Barnaby, by Mrs. Trollope.
• 82. The Soldier of Lyons, by Mrs. Gore.
• 83. Marriage, by the Author of "The Inheritance," and "Destiny."
• 84. The Inheritance.
• 85. Destiny.
• 86. Gilbert Gurney, by Theodore Hook.
• 87. The Widow and the Marquess, by Theodore Hook.
• 88. All in the Wrong; or, Births, Deaths, and Marriages, by Theodore Hook.
• 89. Homeward Bound, by Cooper.
• 90. The Pathfinder, by Cooper.
• 91. The Deerslayer, by Cooper.

The New Volume, just published, comprises
JACQUELINE OF HOLLAND,
AN HISTORICAL TALE,
By THOMAS COLLEY GRATTAN, Esq. Author of "The Heiress of Bruges," &c.
*** Any Volume may be had separately, and of all Booksellers.

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FOOTNOTES:

[1] See page 19, (Addition,) for a poetical version of this maxim.