Assurance or Brass is a rule of the utmost consequence in all monetary transactions; by it miracles have been performed from the earliest ages. A good stock of assurance, i. e. impudence, will carry a man further than even a stock of money, wit, or learning. The brazen head of Friar Bacon, by which he is said to have performed such wonders, was nothing more than a typical personification of the brass, assurance, or impudence of the conjuror. The present prima facie economic method is to wear a brazen face with a wooden head. Mettle, it is true, may be necessary, but "cheek" is indispensable.

Modesty is an antiquated virtue, to be repudiated above all others; and humility is only fit for charity-school boys, who learn the "catechiz." But even among these the notion of "humbly, lowly and reverendly," will soon be exploded by the music and dancing system; the new philosophy of the times being, "Jack's as good as his master" and a "tarnation sight better;" every one feels this assurance.

Be assured, gentle readers, there is nothing like brass; it enables a man to put his best leg forward, and a good face upon any thing. Brass is the true philosopher's stone, which turns all it touches into tin. By it the insignificant makes himself important, the empiric becomes a professor, the smatterer a proficient, the mountebank a philosopher, and the quack an oracle; in short, by this rule, "fools rush in where angels fear to tread."

The rule of Assurance is founded upon the fact, that there are no bounds to human credulity; well sustained assumption, with a very small amount of gumption, being alone requisite for miracles in commerce, trade, politics, or religion.

EXAMPLES OF "ASSURANCE."

1. Calling on a friend in cold weather, make bold to "roast the boiling piece," by placing your fundamental basis before his parlour fire; lean your back against his "marble," scrape your shoes on his fender, and puff your cigar to the detriment of his elaborate ornaments and gimcracks; as to his wife and children being excluded from the fire, let that be "a part of your religion," fieri facias.

2. Should you be invited to dinner, when you enter the house, walk at once into the dining-room, and make yourself at home by pulling off your boots, calling for a clean pair of shoes, a newspaper, a cigar, and the arm chair; you may nod to the mistress of the house, and say "How do" to the juveniles, if you do not wish to be taken for a brute.

3. Should you call at the house of a friend, during his absence, do not hesitate to mount his best horse, and take a twenty miles' ride for the sake of exercise. When you return, you can "stop dinner" with his wife, and afterwards take her to the Opera.

4. On entering a country church, always patronise the clergyman's or the squire's pew; should any ladies be present, you may take out your eyeglass and quizz them with a vacant stare,—they will probably suppose you to be an unknown friend;—politely hand the fair devotees the prayer and hymn-book; you may also hum the bass in chords to the ladies' treble; when you depart, be sure to make a very low congee, as it will mark you for a gentleman.

5. Should you, by any chance, be introduced to a new acquaintance, you may, at the expiration of a week, jerrymediddle him by the question—"You have not got such a thing as five pounds about you, have you?" A person, who prefers your society to solitude, can have no objection to a loan; you can then make yourself as scarce as asparagus at Christmas.

ASSURANCE COMPANIES.

Assurance is displayed to perfection in modern Assurance Companies; and it only requires assurance to raise a company as baseless as the emasculated minus of No. I., and as fabrickless as a "footless stocking without a leg," which shall be eagerly taken by the public.

The following Prospectus, lately issued by a company in West Middlesex, will afford an example:—

To the Public.—West Middlesex. The Visionary Assurance Company and Utopian Insurance, for the beneficial investment of capital, the insurance of lives, and the manufacture of diamonds out of condensed soap bubbles.

DIRECTORS.

• His Grace the Duke of Humbug.
• The Most Noble the Marquis of Bam.
• The Most Noble Viscount Moonshine.
• The Right Hon. the Earl of Flybynight.
• The Hon. Mr. Hazy, Member for Airshire.
• J. R. Phantom, Esq. M.P.
• Botherum Babblem, Esq. M.P.
• P. Q. R. Pocket, Esq. M.P.
• Daniel Do-the-Flats, Esq.
• R. Will-o'-the-Wisp, Esq. M.P.
• F. Fleecemwell, Esq.
• J. Jack-o'-Lanthorn, Esq. M.P.
• Timothy Takemin, Esq.

AUDITORS.

• John Noakes, Esq.
• Gregory Gammon, Esq.
• Thomas Styles, Esq.

SOLICITORS.

• Tag-Rag, Bob-Tail and Co.

SECRETARY.

• Simon Snuff and Twopenny.

Royal Flesh and Bones Joint Stock Matrimonial Assurance Company. Patron, Sir Peter Laurie.

The universal Uxorian, Matchmaking and Matchbreaking Company, for the equal and uniform benefit of Maids, Damsels, Wives and Widows.

LIVE STOCK AND CAPITAL.

Female Stock.

Schedule A.—

• 2,500 young maids, between 15 and 40.
• 2,500 damsels, of all ages.
• 2,500 widows.
• 2,500 old maids.

Young Maids with face and fortune, 100; with face without fortune, 900; with fortune without face, 500; with neither face nor fortune, 1,000; damsels ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto.

Widows with youth and money, 100; with youth and no money, 800; with money and no youth, 600; with neither youth nor money, 1,000.

Old Maids, monied, 100; moneyless, 700; fidgety, with money, 700; fidgety, without money, 1,000.

Male Stock.

• 2,500 young men, between 25 and 60.
• 2,500 bachelors, above 60.
• 2,500 widowers.
• 2,500 old men.

Young Men with whiskers, mustachoes, money, and connexion, 100; young men with money and connexion, but without whiskers, &c. 800; young men with whiskers, &c., but without money, 1,000; young men without money or whiskers, 600.

Bachelors with rheumatism and money, 500; without rheumatism and with money, 100; without money and with rheumatism, 700; with neither rheumatism nor money, 1,200.

Widowers with families and money, 500; with money and without families, 100; with families and without money, 800; with neither families nor money, 1,100.

Old Men, also Old Women, 500 requiring nurses; 500 not requiring nurses; 500 old men-women requiring nurses; bed-ridden, 1,000. It is proposed to form the company of the above "Live Stock," the members of which are each to possess a share in each other. The young maids' class, No. 1, beauty, rank, and fortune, being the highest prizes—there are supposed to be a hundred of such prizes. The second class of prizes is rich old widows, with short lives, of which there are also a hundred. The third class of prizes is rich old maids, of which there are also a hundred. The fourth class comprehends beauty and intelligence; the fifth, beauty only; and so on in a sliding scale, but all prizes.

The male stock also comprehends a reciprocity system of prizes:—1st class, of the whiskered; 2d, no whiskered; 3d, monied and whiskered; and so on to widowers, with or without families, down to that least of all valuable of the genus homo, old men-women.

RULES.

Each subscriber of a pound annually to have one ticket, which shall entitle him to draw for each of the prizes on the 1st of April in every year, at Exeter Hall, under a commission selected from the "Lumber Troop." The parties so fortunate as to draw a prize will have an introduction to the subject of it, and a match will be negotiated, if possible, without delay. Should the parties not suit each other, they will, upon the payment of another guinea, be privileged to draw again. But it is assumed, from a careful examination of matrimonial statistics drawn up by Dr. Lardner, that the matter of suitability will never be taken into consideration.

To facilitate its objects, a Normal seminary will be attached to the society, and a registrar engaged to marry at a reduced price, "that is, by the score."

Billy Blowmetight, Secretary.