The manner of his stealing an Hogshead of French Wine from the Custom-house.

Tracing the street, I chanced to cast my eye on a fellow, the slowness of whose pace informed me of the idleness of his condition. His garb was so preposterously unsuitable, that a man could not possibly look on him without excessive laughter. To the intent you may participate with me in the same sport, I shall open his Wardrobe. In general there was not any thing he did wear that had not some times another property, & of which one might derive another Pedigree. The Hat he had on was devested of all Royal Dignity, having lost its Crown, and yet his crime would not be allowed of as Capital. But what it wanted in one place was supplied in another, the brims whereof being so large, they might have conveniently served as a Pent-house for another besides himself. But this ingenious Squire politickly had pin’d up the brims on one side, that he might have some light to discern his way; his Hat thus pin’d up on the one side lookt much like a trap-door pull’d up. His Band was so torn and dirty, as if he had but just come from some fray; and lest passion should prove obnoxious, time had done him that courtesie to purge away his choler. In what condition his Doubtlet was behind, I could plainly discover through the holes of his Cloak, which generally was so transparent, that the rents and patches of several colours of his cloaths were as visible as if you had lookt through Lawn. The forepart of his Doublet and his Breeches I am confident were the off-spring of the Furniture of a Billiard-Table. His Cloak proceeded from a Boat-tilt, whose Grandfather was an Horse-cloth; and I could not look on his Breeches, but it put me in mind of the Scotch Flaggs that hung up in Westminster. His skirts were so liquor’d and greas’d, that in case of extremity they might have served for belly-pieces, not using any thing but their own fatness to fry them in. By his countenance he seemed like a man of courage and ingenuity, and so I could not chuse but endeavour his relief. Wherefore I accosted him, pretending I had seen him somewhere, but could not for the present call to mind the place. His necessity made him assent to whatever I said; and desiring his company to an Ale-house, he readily granted my request. By what unhappy accident he became thus miserable, I know not, but the man was well furnisht both with natural and acquir’d parts. Having had various discourses of several matters, and that we began to be familiarly acquainted, I askt him why he rapt himself up so close in his Cloak? O Sir, said he, (to be plain) I have a maim’d Doublet, and I have heard some say, there is nothing more prejudicial to a wound than the intromission of Air; which that Network garment of yours (said I) will never be able to keep out. He replyed, ’Tis true, Sir, I find it so, but I wish it were a Net, for then I might employ my self by fishing.

I was so well pleased in my new acquaintance, that (bidding him stay there till my return, which should be speedy) I went and procured him all things necessary for to cover his nakedness: the last thing he put on was his Shoes; finding them to have Soals, they added new life to him.

Having thus cast (Colt-like) his ragged Coat, I was not ashamed to walk with him in the streets; coming to the Custom-house we saw several Pipes and Hogsheads of Wine. Viewing all the places belonging thereunto, said I, Methinks it is no difficult matter to steal one of these Hogsheads, had I but assistance. You shall not want mine, Sir, (said he) even to the hazard of my life, which I shall never look on as a sufficient requital for this singular favour you have now conferr’d on me. Having walkt there a while, we went down to a place called Lazy hill, where I found out two or three pure Rogues more, one whereof had a Boat. I informed them of my design; they willingly promised their helping hand, and the time appointed for the effecting our intentions, was that night about twelve. Accordingly we all met, and having procured an empty Hogshead, we fill’d it with water, and away we went in the Boat. The tide ebbing had left dry ground underneath the Key, where I planted three of our company, instructing them that assoon as they found the Coast cleer above, they should with slings (which they had for that purpose) leave the Hogshead of water, & exchange it for one of wine; which done, they should march off immediately. I and my new Comerade marcht up the Custom-house stairs, where we encountred with two old Watchmen. They askt us what our business was, we told them we had no other design but to drink with them, having been a little frolicksome the other side of the water. The old Watchmen were very joyful at this news, and so giving one of them money to fetch some drink, the other carried me to the Lodge. The drink being come, they minded that so much, they had forgotten their duty; & I plyed them so close with whole ones, that they were incapable of holding one more: in the mean time my Comrogues were gone; pretending our boat was a drift, we took our leaves; for then we could go along by the shore side, leaving this paper on one of the Hogsheads, I left them.

I have often heard these very lines (with some real circumstances of this our exploit, but more fictitious) repeated to me as a very good jest, which pleas’d me near upon as much as our purchase.

Being five of us concerned, we scorned to sell our Wine, but contracting with some to find Sugar, with others Westphalia hams, or such like relishing meats, and with others to be at the expence of Musick, but every one to be at his own charge for Wenches; we never gave over ranting and roaring till we had dreined the Hogshead dry.