He makes a Ramble into the Country, takes some Observations as he travelleth; and is soundly beaten for attempting to board a small Irish Pinnace.

I began now to be somewhat weary of the City, and therefore resolved to refresh my self with the Country Air. I acquainted my Patroness therewith; who with much regret condescended, conditionally two days should be the utmost time of my absence.

That morning I set forth, there was such solemn leave taken between us, as if my voyage had been intended for the Indies. About to amount, she retrived my intentions, clasping me in her arms; I should rather have chosen the imbraces of a she-Bear, as thinking her breath far sweeter; and truly I have often wondred at my recovery in so impure and unwholsom air. Being on Horse-back she so bathed her Cheeks with tears (wanting no moisture, derived from an everlasting spring of humours distilling from her head) that you would have sworn she was the representation of the Pig-woman in Ben’s Bartholomew-fair. Had not her watry Flood-gates drowned her eyes, I think she would have stood looking after me that way I rid till my return. Well, there is no fool like the old doting fool: And were I again to love for interest, I would choose such a person. Your young skittish things that onely mind their pleasures, think they have done a man a courtesie that merits reward, if they admit him into their private familiarity, because they find fond man so passionate and impatient in the prosecution of his desires: And then again, having variety of Courtiers, they are too sensible, that if one will not meddle with the bait, a second will nibble at it so long till he is caught with the hook. Whereas a woman stricken in years, and having lost her beautiful allurements is disregarded, & lookt on as no fit subject for love to treat on: not but she may have as youthful desires as any; and if that way inclin’d, none so prone as she. For knowing she hath nothing but her wealth to attract withal, she will freely part with it for her self-satisfaction; and that she may not loose her Stallion, constantly encourage him even to the exhausting of what she hath. Moreover, finding the man to answer her expectations, she studies all ways imaginable how to please him in every thing, that he may please her in that one thing.

But to my purpose: coming to Balle-more-Eustace, a little beyond the Town, (which is in the County of Wicklow) there is a small River in the Summer-time not above knee-deep; I perceived a young woman about to cross it; drawing to the water, she stood not on the niceties of modesty, but pulled up her Cloaths to the wast. The sight hereof stopt me, and as near as I could opposite to her. She minded me not, but came straight over to me, and at about three yards distance let down her Coats. I observed so many excellencies that my blood began to boyl, and my flesh was all of a flame. For her hair which naturally curled, and was plaited, was of a bright flaxen, each hair in the Sun glittered like a thread of Gold.

Here take notice by the way, that the Maids for the most part, Winter and Summer, go without any coverings on their head, which they wash all over every night; the meaner sort as soon as married wear Kerchers. She had an Angelical countenance, onely somewhat brownish by the Suns frequent kissing of it; I know not whether I may adjudge that a deformity. The skin of her body might vye with Snow for whiteness. I dismounted, & addrest my self to her in English; she answered me in her own language, she understood me not: Then did I make use of that little Irish I had learned, which were some fragments of lecherous expressions, to which she replied, but I understood her not. To be brief, I so far prevailed that I got her into a small Wood, in which the thick & spreading tops of the trees seemed to lay their heads together in conspiracy to keep not only the Suns entry, but also the curious search of any mortals eye. She permitted me to kiss, dally, lay my hand on her thighs, &c., which were the only Preludiums of what should follow. But herein I mistook, for their dispositions are much different from the English. We use to say, that where we gain over any woman the liberty to use the hand, we cannot fail of doing what we most desire: whereas quite contrary they will without the least opposition permit the first, but with the greatest difficulty admit of the last. For as soon as she saw me ready to engage, she cryed out incessantly, Whillallalloo; and presently I could hear this ululation ecchoed. I had just recovered my Horse, when two or three fellows came running to me, the one with a Flail, the rest with long Poles. The first salutation I received was from the Flail, which failed but little of doing my business: the next my Horses Crupper received; the poor beast being civilly bred, could do no less then return them a Congee with his leg, which made one of them fall on his knees to his Master, as if he had been Monarch of that Soil. These two Rogues stood stiffly to me, insomuch that I knew not what course to take. The Villains were so nimble, that one of them was continually before me hindring my flight, whilst the other drub’d me forward. I bethought my self of a Pistol I had in my Pocket charged without a bullet; I drew it, presented, and pretended I would fire if they desisted not; for these stupid fellows apprehended not the danger: perceiving how stupidly senseless they were, I fir’d it full in the face of him that fronted me, who verily believ’d he had been shot, & so out of conceit (for they are naturally very timerous) fell down as dead; the other seeing that, ran away as swift as lightning, whereby I had leave to ride on, which I did (you may think) with no ordinary speed. Lovers may talk of their sufferings by their Mistress frowns, or obdurateness, but let any one judge of mine by the blows I received; sighing is nothing to fighting, and a few tears are not to come in competition with dry basting. Pox on them they made me out of conceit with love for six weeks after. I never thought of enjoying a woman since, but the remembrance of those three Bog-trotters converted the hot fit of my amorous Fever into a cold one.

A little way from Baltinglass I took up my quarters for that night. The Inn I lay in was one story high, about the height of an extraordinary Pigsty, and there was one Chimney in it too, more then there is to be found in one of an 100 such Hovils. The good man welcom’d me after his fashion, but I think an Anthropophagus or Indian Man-eater would have done it as civily. I bid him set up my Horse by signs, (for that was the language we converst in) but alass there was no other Stable but what was at the end of our Kitchin; our Dining-room, Bed-chamber, Pigsty, Pantry and Buttery, being all one, without distinction or separation. Some few Wattles (as they call them) were placed above, that was our Hay-loft. The onely door of our Inn was a large hurdle, much like a sheep-pen. The Bannettee or good wife of the house, could speak a little broken English. I askt her what I should have for Supper? Thou shalt have a Supper said she for St. Patrick a gra. I staid an half hour expecting when she would lay down something to the fire, but instead thereof she brings me in a Wooden Platter a great many Leeks, in the bottom whereof was a good quantity of Bay-salt, and withal a loaf as black as if the Meal had been wetted with Ink. Seest tou tere, Chreest himself nor St. Patrick did ever eat better ting. I could not forbear smiling, which put her into a great passion: For if a man eats not what they set before him, they think themselves highly affronted. Because I would please them (not knowing but that I might find as bad sawce here) I pretended to eat, conveying it into my Boots. After supper I askt them for a clean Pipe; the woman brought me one about an inch long, telling me it was very clean, for her Husband had not smoakt in it above ten times. I judged it to be the ruines of the first Pipe that was made, which was conveyed from one of that family to another, conditionally they should constantly smoke in it without burning it. They offered me some snuff too; which is one of the greatest kindnesses they can either show or be shown. I called for some drink, (to try whether that corresponded with the rest) and so it did, for there was no swallowing it without chewing. Finding but little satisfaction I desired to go to Bed. That I should instantly, they said, but I wondered where they intended to lay me. In a little while in came a lusty wench with a bundle of rushes on her head, my bed it seemed by the sequel, which she spreading on the ground, covered them with a Caddow or Rugg. Here I must lye or no where, patience was my onely comfort; wherefore stripping my self to my drawers and Stockings, I laid my self down. About two hours after came in two Cows, three or four Piggs, some Ducks and Geese, (which they brought not in before, out of civility to me.) All their family being within doors; the good Man, his Wife, and two Daughters, stripping themselves stark naked, lay down altogether by my side, which seem’d somewhat strange to me. I could hardly forbear the two young ones, but that my late misfortune was so fresh in my memory.

I could not sleep all that night, wherefore very early I discharged my Reckoning, and so set forward for Dublin with all the expedition I could, not liking the Country-entertainment. I would not ride the same way back as I came, to avoid my bone-breakers; but it had been as well; for coming to a River that I must foard, I askt a fellow which was the safest place: he pretending no knowledge of what I said, wherefore making signs to him, he answer’d me again with his hand, directing me to such a place: at the first step my Horse and I plunged over head and ears; and had not my Horse been strong, we had both perished. With much difficulty we got up the bank on the other side, and looking behind me, the villain was e’ne almost out of sight. Such causeless revenge they frequently exercise towards the English, naturally hating us with a perfect antipathy. I returned at length to my old Hostess, resolving when next I undertook such a journey, I would steer by the compass of other mens experience.