His Arrival into Ireland: he changeth his Name: what trick he serv’d his first Landlady; all his Money being spent, and those Goods and Coyn likewise Shipwrackt which he expected to follow him.

We landed at a place called Ringsend about a mile from Dublin. I was askt whether I would have a Coach. Where are there any, said I? (for I lookt about me, and could see nothing like a Coach) the fellow lookt upon me to be a very ignorant person, because I understood not what he meant, and angerly spake thus: By my Gossips hand, thou canst not see very much well, arre look here is one by thine own side. It was a great while before I could tell what language he spoke, he did so tone his words; neither could I understand him, till one standing by interpreted him. As for his Ringsend-Coach, as he call’d it, it was Wheel-barrow fashion, only it had two Wheels not much bigger then a large Cheshire Cheese: the Horse that drew this Princely-pygmy-Chariot, I at first mistook for an over-grown Masty; but viewing him narrowly, found him the extract (by his shape) of a Scotch-Hobby; well, up I mounted, but could not invent a name for the manner of my riding, for I was neither coacht nor carted, but I fancyed my self (and that justly) as I was riding, to be some notorious Malefactor drawn on a Sledge to the place of execution, which afterwards experimentally I found Dublin to be: many of its Inhabitants call this City Divlin, quasi Divels Inn, & very properly it is by them so termed; for there is hardly a City in the world that entertains such variety of Devils Imps as that doth. If any knavishly break, murder, rob, or are desirous of Polygamy, they straightway repair thither, making that place, or the Kingdom in general, their Azylum, or Sanctuary. My first care was to plant my self conveniently; the next day I sent for a Barber to shave all my hair off, ordering him to bring me a Periwigg of an absolute contrary colour to my own hair, to the intent that if I should meet with any of my former acquaintance, they might not know me, whereby I should prevent their sending notice to any where I was. The truth of it is, in this disguize I hardly knew my self. The greatest difficulty I found, was to make my self familiar with my fictitious name. At first when my Landlady called me by that name, I either star’d her in the face, or lookt behind me, (not answering thereunto) thinking she had spoke to some man else: but had I not pretended to be thick of hearing, and so that way apologizing for my silence, my design might have been marr’d. I daily met with several I knew, but would not take the least cognizance of them.

In this manner I spent a moneth, but all this while no tidings of my Goods and money; that which I had brought with me was all consumed. My Landlady (as it is customary there, having as little trust or faith as they have Religion) called upon me for what I owed her. For a little while, I stopt her mouth, by telling her I had a considerable quantity of Goods and Money too coming, which I expected by every fair wind. A little while after I heard the Ship in which they were was cast away. Now did I absolutely conclude Gods just judgement attended my fraud and knavery. My loss I did not in the least discover to any, knowing I should reap at first only some pitty, and afterwards be undervalued and disrespected. My Hostess again was very importunate with me to have her Reckoning: I endeavoured to put her off, saying, I expected daily Bills of Exchange; but she would not believe me; for I perceived that she had been often cheated with such delusions.

Now did I not know what to do: I thought good to try another way; she being a Widdow, I fancyed I could work upon her Female frailty: I used all means possible to get her alone; which I did but seldom, and then did I make use of all my Rhetorick to perswade her into a belief how dearly I loved her: she replyed little, but would laugh at me till she held her sides again. I verily believe she understood my drift, which I might argue from her expressions. Sometimes she would say, Come, come, away with these love-fooleries, and pay me what you owe. Then would I tell her, all I enjoyed, & my self too, were properly hers, and that she might take them when she pleased into her possession. No, no, she would say, my youthfull days are past, and it is time for me to look Heavenwards; wherefore let fall your suit, &c.

Since words would no ways prevail, I resolved to try something else, knowing how difficult it is for a Woman when in bed to refuse a Venereal proffer. To that purpose one night I came softly into her Chamber, and groping with my hand for her face, I caught a man by the Beard: at which he awaked, and thinking the Devil was come to trim him, or rob him of his Wash-balls, would have cryed out aloud, but that fear had so lockt up his voice, that his highest note was little louder then whispering; I could but just hear him say, In the name of —— what art? I am, said I, (and then she wak’d too) no Ghost, but a living witness of your leachery; to that intent I came hither, to be fully satisfied of what I have a long time suspected. As for you Madam, your youthful days are past, but your lust will endure for ever. If this be your way to Heaven, why were you so uncharitable as not to let me go along with you? As for your part, Sir, I believe that you are traveling that way too; for if I mistake not, you lately came out of Purgatory.

To be short, they both intreated me to be silent, and retire to my own lodging, & that in the morning they would treat with me to my full satisfaction. This was what I aimed at, though brought about otherwise then intended. Early they both came to me: the pious Gentlewoman being very tender of her credit, would forgive me my Debt, if I would not blemish her reputation by my report; her Gallant gave me ten pieces to bind the bargain: having gotten a discharge under her hand, I sealed our contract with an Oath and faithful promise never to divulge their shame. The Gentleman (though his estate much exceeded hers) out of spight, I think, or vexation to be so caught, incontinently married her, though all former sollicitations (which I understood were many) proved ineffectual.