How he was revenged on a Broker for arresting him for some Goods he had past his word for upon his friends account.

Notwithstanding I dayly thus, almost, cheated one or other, procuring thereby considerable sums of money, yet, by my drinking, Whoreing, and defending my self from such as I had wronged, I seldom kept any money by me. One day as I walk’d the streets securely, as I thought, a fellow fastned his Flesh-Hooks on my Shoulder. Looking about to see what this sudden clap meant, I saw a fellow behind me, whose face lookt ten times worse than those Philistines that are pictured on Chimny pieces, seizing upon Samson; his mouth was as largely vaulted as that within Aldersgate; his Visage was almost eaten through with Pock-holes, every hole so big, that they would have served for Children to play at Cherry-pit; His Nose resembled an Hand-saw; take both Head and Face together, and it appeared like the Saracens on Snow-hill; questionless some Incubus begot him on a Witch. Having a little recovered my self from my amazement, I askt him what his business was with me? He spake but little, leaving his errand to his Mace (which he shewed me) to relate. Away they carried me to Woodstreet at the Kings-head, from whence I sent for Bail, which speedily came to me: having put in Bail to one Action, I found another enter’d: having done the like to that I found another, half a dozen more bearing it company; wherefore thanking my friends for the trouble I had put them to, I desired them to leave me, resolving to go to Ludgate. The two Serjeants that arrested me conducted me thither, having my name enter’d in the Paper-House, as Horses in Smithfield are in the Tole-booth: Cerberus turned the Key, and set the door as wide open as Westminster-Hall Gate in the Term-time to Country Client, to receive me from my Hell-guides, which puts me in mind of that old Verse,

I no sooner was enter’d into this inchanted Isle, where some lie wind-bound sometimes seven years together, but a fellow (whom at first sight I took to be a Gardner, because he had a kind of Reddish beard, and turn’d up withal) came to me, and understanding I was a Prisoner, seem’d mighty courteous, profering me his Chamber, for my Garnish sake. I accepted his kindness, and went with him to view this Cobweb-hung Chamber, for so it proved; I demanded of him who should be my Bed-fellow? that Gentleman there Sir, said he, that sits by the fire-side: I could not forbear smiling, for he was a fat squobby fellow, though his brain seemed to be lean. I believe he was his own Barber, and was forc’d to make use of a Knife instead of a Razor; for his beard it was cut round like a rubbing brush. Certainly, had all the skin of his body been like that of his face, it would have served excellent well when he was dead to make cloke-bags of. Not content with this lodging, I sought out another; liking it somewhat better then the former, I pitcht on it. Assoon as they understood my resolution, they worried me presently like angry Mastiffs, barking for their Garnish; I told them they should have it to morrow, at which they grumbled like the greatest strings of a Base-Viol. Before I went to Bed I must pay for a pair of sheets, that never came nigh Holland by three hundred miles, and out of much civility my Bedfellow brought me a Candle not so long as his nose to light me to Bed.

The next morning I made it my business to get out assoon as I could; some I paid, others I non-suited, and so got clear. Being out I resolved not to rest till I had revenged my self on this Broker that had thus troubled me. I needed not means for the Devil seldom failed to help my inventions. I pretended to go into the Country, and in order to it pack’d up a Trunk of what I had most valuable and portable, and getting a Porter, sent it to an Inn where a Norwich-Carryer used to lye, but I knew him to be gone the day before. Going along with the Porter, I enquired for such a Carryer, but they told me he was gone, and would not return till the next week. I askt them where I might lay my Trunk safe: they shewed me a Room; where bidding the Porter sit down, I called for some Ale, telling the Porter, moreover, that I would have him be a witness of what there was in the Trunk, lest I should be dishonestly dealt by; whereupon I unlockt it, desiring him to take notice, which he did, and to be more sure took an Inventory in Writing. Having paused a little, now I think upon it (said I) Porter, it will not be safe to leave this here in a publique house, as in a friends, wherefore prethee go buy a Cord, and thou shalt carry it elsewhere. Whilest he was gone, I took out the chiefest things and put in rubbish, or what I could get, and so lockt it again. The Porter returning, we corded the Trunk, and carried it to this Broker, who took it kindly from me, that I would intrust him after our controversie, and received it. The next week I told him I would call for it, in order to the sending it into the Country. The time being come, I took the same Porter with me, and demanding the Trunk, it was forthwith delivered me. Come, Porter, said I, you must uncord it again, for I have present use for something therein contain’d; which being done, I seemingly amaz’d, cryed out I was rob’d, taxing the Broker for so doing, villifying him for his knavery. He protested that he never lookt on it to his knowledge since the receipt thereof. Well Sir (said I) this shall not serve your turn, this honest Porter knows how differently it is fraught from what he saw it at first. In a great seeming heat I left him, but before he slept I sent a couple of Serjeants to him, who arrested him; coming to tryal, by the assistance of two (resolv’d Jurors) and this Porter, I overthrew him, and recovered above forty pound, besides cost of Suit.