How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ’d therein. What Villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious Art.

Necessity is a thing better known by the effects, than its character; and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions, suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting things infamous, and attempting things impossible; the product of which is only disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav’d nature, what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they have brought him to the like miserable Catastrophe. Necessity had now deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shame-fac’dness (once my Mistress) had forsaken me: for as soon as I had pull’d but one thread out of her garment, all the rest unravell’d; and she not brooking her nakedness, changed her master, and so totally left me. Having now obtained more than a convenient boldness I travell’d, and begg’d with very good success. But me thought my life was somewhat uncomfortable without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more especially Man:) at length, according to my desires, I met with one, whose long practice in this Art, besides the Observations of his Predecessors, deriving his pedegree in a direct line from Prince Prigg, indu’d him with so much skill as to furnish me with the knowledge of anything that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We straight betook our selves to the Boozing Ken; and having bubb’d rumly, we concluded an everlasting friendship. Than did he recount to me the most material things observable in our Profession. First, he tun’d my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion; next what form of prayer I was to use upon such an occasion, what upon such, varying according to the humour of those persons that I begged of, gathered from their habit or gesture; then he told me when we came to London, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our purpose, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some, always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of Estate and Limbs of such as deny’d me Alms; but more especially pronounce a God bless you Master, and let Heaven reward what you have here done on earth, if any thing is bestowed upon me. If any should pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I should wear them no longer than in the Donors sight, reserving my rags to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our Occupation. That we should never beg far from one another, and at nights faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform’d me the way to make all sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That within the tatter’d rags, there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if they have no children, rent them of such as have; but we had no occasion for this fallacy. That if I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore their help in the assistance of my wants, never desiring any thing but what was of small value, one half-penny, farthing, or some broken crust, (if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the passage was clear, whip away what was nearest to hand. That the time of rising in the morning be very early, shewing my self in the streets: for then will those that pass by, judge I have no other lodging but what a stall affords, that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons, and so continue begging till the evening; when it beginneth to be duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still carried about for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times with a good booty.

Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants, and as hand-sail to my new Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our way, and only frequented Villages; nay at last we were forc’d not only to avoid them but the High-ways too: for Travellers observing our garb, countenances, and weapon, which was a Battoon, suspecting us, would before they came near us, set spurs to their horses and ride as if the Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not worthy the commemoration, and therefore I shall pass them over; only this I shall insert.

Travelling the Field-way, we stumbled on a Tinker and his Trull lying by an Hedge-side, I knew not what to thinke at first they lay so still, with much pulling and stirring then they awakened; I askt them what they lay there for? They answered me, That they were lately bitten by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and of a vast proportion, who had lately stung several as well as they. It seem’d very strange to us, especially having heard not the least report hereof. To be short, I desir’d them to shew us the place of his residence, which they readily consented to. In stead of this Venomous Animal, they only brought us to its representation in a sign, where a Cup of double-brew’d Beer was sold, notable huming geer. The people lik’d the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit of us, till we shew’d them money: For our Vestments look’d like the Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the Woman asleep again: still the Tinker bore up stifly, she had not slept long, but up she started, pull’d up her coats, and in our presence piss’d in the middle of the room and so sate her self down, yet awaked not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having added so much to his former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it. Now had my wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the strength of the drink had almost over-powred me, insomuch that I was forc’d to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he himself being not in the least disturb’d. This was his advice which he did put in practice, he got a Pail full of water, and so taking me up by the heels, he clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so long, that the Pail had like to have prov’d the Ferry-boat that should waft me over the Stygian Lake; this so qualified the heat my head had contracted by my excessive drinking of that strong stupifying liquor, that I found it had wrought its desired effects.

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket, we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we thought it high time to be gone, but first we resolved to make some sport as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where the Tinker and his Lady were: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after the Tinker, crying, Stop’em, stop’em, Stop the thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot. We were wiser than to stay to hear how the Tinker and his Trull came off, or to hear the laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but directed our course for London directly; where we arrived soon enough, nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm’d the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back, gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the Tinkers Pot, were these, to my best remembrance.

Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:

I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that hapned upon the road we travelled on; beating the hoof we overtook a Cart, but in the name of Rabbi Abraham, what think you was in it? In troth even a Squadron of the Tatterdemallion Regiment; Some pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as if he never had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own Country, we have been already jib’d (said one) that is jerkt at the Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse? what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride? It shall not be; ease your legs, come I’le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the truth, I am going to Kilum (a Town it seems on the borders of Oxford-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on’t but consulted with the aspect of the carted crew. Their faces discovered nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv’d their thoughts were solely imployed about their escape, which they did soon put in execution. For forthwith the strings were cut that tied up their legs, who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not missing his Company presently, at last looking about he saw one running this way, another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D’ee here, d’ee here, cry’d the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I’le see you hang’d first, you murdering Rogue e’re I will come near you; dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to Killum. Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain my self from; this story put me in mind of the like mistake, whose effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in Ireland: a Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and demanding of him whence he came, he answered from Killwanium: whither art a going? to Killmore sayd he: (these are two Towns) with that the Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol’d him.