Our Extravagant uses strange wayes to raise moneys; which being got in, he takes a journey into the Countrey, marries, and returns; meets with one of his Companions, who laid a wager about their Footmens drinking: he being indebted to our Extravagant, and not in a capacity to pay him till his Fathers death; he projects a way to kill the Father; and not come within the compass of the Law; he undertakes and performs it. This Extravagant’s answer to his Mother; and his getting a suit of Clothes of a strange Taylor. He cheats at the water-side, and cheats Gentlemen of several Cloakes, which he sells to a Broker, who upon some discontent claps him in a prison, where he again expresses his Poetry.

Our Gallant thus exercised his wit, and spent his time; and as this Old man, the Father, had in his latter years employed his whole wit and industry in gaining of moneys, and enlarging his Estate; so the Young man, the Son, employed all his in spending, and lessening it. The Fathers ways of getting money was by usury; and the Son, on the contrary, was so great an hater of that vice, and sin of usury, as he termed it, that he would not receive any; and being desirous to raise a great sum of money together, he sent to his Debtors, and told them that if they would by a certain time, then to come, bring him in his principal money, he would forgive them all interest. There were few of them that stood out; for the Father having been wary in disposing his money on good security, the Son had the less trouble to gather it in; and few of the Debtors failed to bring in our Prodigals Money, and take up their bonds. Some there were whose debts were considerable and large, and they could not provide their Moneys by the time, but lost that advantage: but again some of them gained more considerably then the rest had done; for he by this means believing that all those debts that were not paid him were desperate and bad, he fell to selling and assigning them; which the Debtors hearing of, although they could not raise the ready money themselves, yet the Security being good, they procured Friends to lay down the Moneys, and compounded the Debts for some two thirds, some three quarters, some more, some less, he being willing to take, and unwilling to refuse all Moneys that he could thus bring in. And by this means being master of a considerable sum of Money, and being of his London frollicks, he resolved for the Countrey; and providing himself with choice of Geldings, and variety of Rich Clothes for himself, and new Liveries for his two Servants, he took his journey. I cannot give you any particular account of his transactions in the Countrey, because it was at too great a distance; but in general, I heard he plaid over his old freaks, the second part to the same tune: but this I know, that passing for a man of a great Estate, and being plentifully furnished with Moneys, he was admitted into the Family of a Person of Quality; where, however he carryed himself abroad, yet at home he was so civil, as that courting the Daughter, he obtained her and her Friends consent to a Marriage. They questioned not his Estate, (which they knew had been considerable) because he demanded no portion: and thus was our wild Gallant become a staid man, if Marriage would make him so; but although it might operate somewhat at first, yet that good humor held him not long for he was soon weary of any thing that was good; and, as I heard his wife being so, he was the sooner weary of her: and therefore, and because the Money he had brought with him was spent and gone, he was then again for London. I suppose he engaged himself to return speedily; but he who never kept any ingagement, was sure to break that: And now being come to London, he visited all his old Friends; but there was not one word of the pudding; he would not own the alteration of his condition, but had a mind still to pass for a Batchelor; for under that notion he might practise his debaucheries the more freely; for he did intend to cheat any maid, that would be so easie, of the most precious Jewel they had; whether he did, or how many fell into his snare, I know not; but he boasted of many such conquests. He being now come to London, and his errand Money, Money he would have; and therefore he summoned all the remaining Debtors to make sudden payment.

Although he had already received several considerable sums, and that more than he had present occasion to make use of; yet not one good turn, or courtesie would he do any man, though never so near and dear to him: he had rather spend 40s. to make a man drunk, than lend him 20s.

But there was one, a certain Companion of his, who was almost as debauched as himself, and would have been altogether so, had he had the means to have done it. This Person having a Father alive, whom he would willingly have exchanged for a dead one; and whom he was very desirous to have kneel in Brass, or lean in Marble: This Father was a great trouble to our young man’s proceedings and our Gallant having consider’d his case, as it had been formerly his own, being desirous to propagate, and assist in the work of deformation, had at several times furnished him with the sum of fifty pounds; and now he being resolved to have at all, get in all he could, gave this Friend a summons, who failed not to meet him at the time, and place appointed with money for a drinking bout, though not to pay Money. They set to it lustily, and drank off their Sack very stoutly; and whilst our two young Gentlemen were thus employed, their Servants were not idle. Our Gallant was now attended but by one of his two Foot-men; and the other, who had also a Foot-man, or Attendant, who was acquainted with the other; and they having been for some time separated by reason of our Gallants Journey, and now having met again, were so joyful to see themselves alive, that they drank of their Sack as fast as their Masters: They had leave to do so, and might call for what they pleased. Our Gallant having occasion to go into the next Room, there found his Man, and the other engaged in hot service; but observed, that his Man being the stouter drinker of the two, had the better on it, and was the likeliest so to hold it; wherefore a conceit came into his head, and then out it must; thereupon, he called his Companion to him, and shewed him their Servants; he was as well pleased as the other, and encouraged his man to hold out; our Gallant hearing him say so, cryed, Bear up, Jack, for I’le hold a piece of your head; done, said the other.

But although here was a great wager to be lay’d, yet there was no sound bargain, nor Witness; and they hardly understood what they intended, till the Master of the house was called up; and then he seeing there was like to be somewhat to his advantage, made this fair proposition (as he called it) that the two fellows should drink on, and he who first gave out, and was foyled, his Master should pay the Reckoning: Content, said one; content, said another; and withal, lose a piece, to be spent to morrow: They both agreed to this motion; and drawing out their Moneys, the Land-Lord kept stakes, and the Fellows still held on their drinking, neither were the Masters idle; and they all plyed their gears so well, that they could not remove their Quarters, but were all four inforced to stay there all night; only our Gallant had the honour of the day, for his man had quite knock’d down the other, and had laid him fast asleep; and he being on the ground stradled over him, like St. George over the Dragon, and drank off three Beer glasses of Sack in token of triumph; and then they were all carried to their Beds. The next morning they found themselves more sensible then they had been the night before; but being in a Tavern, and remembring that there was 20s. in bank, there was no remedy, but that they must of necessity take a hair of the old dog; and therefore to it they went again, but with more sobriety then the day before; for our Gallant, who commanded in chief, had no mind to drinking, it being against his Custom to drink in a morning; and besides that, he intended to propose the matter of money to his Companion, so that they drank but moderately; and our Gallant broke the ice by telling his Companion, that upon a certain accident that had lately fallen out, he had occasion to raise a sum of money, and therefore he desired the other to help him to that which he had formerly lent him. The other briskly replyed with an Oath, that he asked him impossibilities; that there was not such a sum as 50l. in Nature, nor could he expect to see so much together, till the happy day of his Fathers death; and then said he, if that long looked for day would but come, I will not only pay that sum, but all else I have shall be at your dispose.

Our Prodigal knew well enough that he should hardly get his Money till the old fellow was dead, but however he thought to urge it to see if he could perswade him to cheat his Father of such a sum, but the other replying he could not and that it was impossible to out-wit him, well reply’d our Gallant since that Jest will not take let us think of somewhat else, is the old fellow good conditioned? does he give you money enough to spend? truly replyed the other, he is very kind to me, for he allows me pretty largely, knowing that besides Wine and good company; there are such transitory things as women to be had; for keeping a good Girl himself, who is an old Knave, he knows the necessity of those mortals for us that are young. How, replyed our blade, does he keep a Wench? then I have a sure expedient to make him tip off the perch in a short time. You may be deceived replyed the other, for as he is old, so he is tough and hath been a long time accustomed to Venus Wars. Well that matters not, reply’d our Gallant but if you will double my money, (for I must be at some charge) I will undertake and warrant to send your Father into the other world in a very short time. No reply’d the other I will have no hand in Murther especially there being Parricide in the case. I tell thee, reply’d our undertaker, there shall be no hazard of the Law, no not so much guilt lye upon you nor me, whether as Physitians (who are authorized to kill) are guilty of to their Patients, and shall be both safe and sure. Well how is it then reply’d our Companion. You say, said our Gallant, your Father is very old, and loves a Wench. Why then said our undertaker, all my business is but to know this Wench and be acquainted with her, and then the business is done, and that without fail. Thus much he told his Companion, but would not (though he importuned him) tell him any thing more. And thereupon he seeing that he could not at present get any thing more out of him, and withal assuring him that there was no danger in Law; the one concludes to act, and the other to assist in the enterprize. Accordingly that very afternoon our Extravagant was conducted by his Companion to the place where his Fathers Lady of pleasure resided. This young Woman whom he was so desirous to be acquainted withal lived with one that was more antient, and whom she called Aunt, and they two together with a Maid-servant that attended them both made up this little Family, in regard she lived thus privately, he found it would be more difficult then ordinary to get access, but the next day an opportunity fell out very convenient. For the old man (according to his custom) having sent in Provision for Dinner, came at noon to Dine with his Mistress, and about three of the Clock he and his Mistress and the Old Woman resolved on a walk. Our undertaker was so diligent that he attended them at some distance, and they going into a Publique house, he also went thither and took a Room next to their’s. The Old Man treated his Mistress with Cakes and Ale, and such other Provision as the place afforded, and after they had sufficiently regalled themselves, the old man he must go about an affair of importance, and therefore he must leave them. Our Undertaker was glad to hear of that, and expected the happy minute of his departure, but he found that they all left the house together, wherefore he put himself in the way that they were to come, and walking softly permitted the two Women to overtake him. He being a sufficient Courtier wanted not pretence sufficient to enter himself into their company, and the Women were not so reserved as to distaste or dislike the proffered service of his meen and quality.

The walk they were to take er’e they came to their quarters was considerable and thereby he had the opportunity to discourse with the young beauty, which was not only handsom but of a pleasant conversation. He knowing how far their journey reached offered them a Glass of Wine. The young woman wholly declined the proposition, wherefore he applyed himself to the Old one; and her he over-ruled, so that they put in at the next Tavern. He promised them only one quart of Wine, but they drank three or four e’re they parted, he did so Court the old Woman that she took off her liquor freely, and made her so open hearted that she discovered many of her copious secrets with the Old Man, who also simpered at the writal of them, our Gallants chief business being to win the young woman, thought that the nearest way to do it, was to gain the Old, and therefore he not only plyed her with Wine but gave her some halfe-crown pieces, at the sight of this she called him Son and told him he should be welcome.

He pulling out his money discovered some fair Medals which he shewing to the young woman, and she seeming to like, he forced her to accept of them, thus he having laid the bait, did not question but the Fish would in time be taken, he only waited on them to their Lodgings that night, but promising to revisit them the next day, neither was he worse then his word, but before hand he sent several bottles of Wine.

And at this second converse he made so large a progress in his business, that he discovered that she was not displeased with his Company; He finding her thus easie, proceeded as far as he could with her to the main point, but she checked him there, being resolved not to be won so easily; but he resolving not to make Childrens Shoes, followed so close that he brought her to his bent, and received the satisfaction he desired, She not distrusting the mischief that was intended her, gave him all freedom with her, and he was seldom out of her Company but when the Old Man had appointed to be with her, our undertaker still resolving on his project ventured on one of the desperatest discourses that has been heard of.

It is not to be questioned but that he who had been so Universal a Courtier of Women, and that of all sorts, had met with those one time or another that had paid him off, and he was used to brag himself to be more then a Gentlemen, for he had been oftner then three times at Haddam, he was so well acquainted with all the effects of that disease, and the Remedies against it that he made nothing of it, and he knew several of his quondam Ladies who were then well peppered, to one of these he went, and it was not very difficult for him to purchase that of them which they would very gladly be rid off: and therefore he easily attained his desires, and being thus accompanied, he went to his fresh Mistress, and made her participate in that disease which she had till then been a stranger to, and the Old Man coming soon after in his turn and thinking to have his pleasure with her, had it for the present, but was so paid off that entring into a course of Physick to cure himself of his disease, he was brought so weak that he fell into another though less troublesom yet more dangerous, which was not long in operating its desired effects, for it carried him to his Grave. And thus did our undertaker perform his undertaking, and his Companion was so much a Gentleman as to perform his promise to give the sum of Mony for his reward that had been agreed upon, and our undertaker who had only made use of this young Woman as an Instrument to bring his purpose to effect, caused the young man to give her a reward for what she had unknowingly endured and done.

His Companion was now the better man as having the more Money; but our Gallants stock held out to spend with him, and neither of them made any spare. Our Gallants Mother hearing of his lewd courses, took some of her old Husbands acquaintance and found him out, she and they perswaded him to take up before all were spent, using many arguments to induce him to good Husbandry, and propounding some course for him to take to redeem himself; but he was deaf to all perswasions, and only flouted and laughed at them; telling them that he was resolved to make his dead Father a Lyar, for I remember (said he) that some Friends telling him in his life time I would spend his Estate after his death, he answered that so I might if I would, but he was certain that I would never take so much pleasure in spending it, as he had in getting it. And therefore said he I am resolved to enjoy my full swing in all manner of pleasures, that I may disprove him, and besides (continued he) do you think I am mad to preserve or keep any part of that Estate that was so unlawfully gained by penury and Usury; no such matter, for I am sure it would be to no purpose to attempt it, for I know I shall never thrive while I enjoy any part of it. His Mother and Friends hearing his resolution, by this his Extravagant answer, left him; and he prosecuted his old course of Life so long, that he began really to want Money, and had still spent his Money before he could receive it, some Debts he had still owing him, which supplied him sometimes by fits and girds. He had dealt with a Taylor who had taken much money of him, and gained well by him, but he still paid him one under another, and was still in his debt for the last, this Taylor seeing his Extravagancy, and doubting that in the winding up of the bottom he might loose as much as he had gained, waited on him very diligently for his Money, & pretended such urgent occasions for Mony that he in the end got clear with him.

Our Gallant then desired some more new cloathes, but he gave him only good words and put him off from time to time, till one day our Gentleman meeting this Taylor in Company, asked him why he was not so good as his word to make him a new suit, for said he you know I have been no ill Customer, I owe you nothing: it is confessed (replyed the Taylor) you do owe nothing, but Sir there is a reason and that a very considerable one; why I do not care to deal with you, nor no others of your temper, what reason reply’d our Gallant, this (reply’d the Taylor) you do pay me, but you do call for my Bill, and pay me so suddenly after I have delivered the Cloaths that I have not conveniency to gain so much by you as I do by other Gentlemen, who staying a great while after their Cloathes are made, and indeed till they are worn out e’re they ask for a Bill, or talk of payment, I have the conveniency to enlarge what and how I please because it is forgot what was used, and they being worn out they have not the conveniency of comparing the Bill and cloaths together, this continued the Taylor is a sufficient reason why I do not care for dealing with you further, thus did this Taylor make his excuses which reflecting rather on his own ill dealing then our Gallants, it passed very well with the Company, and our Gallant understanding that his credit was justified could not be angry, but however he knew the Taylor meant quite contrary to what he had said, and he finding his credit would go no further there, and some of his Companions hearing this discourse with him and his Taylor, thought that the Taylor had been mad, and engaged our Gentleman to make use of his, and his Taylor upon the report of this, soon provided him with such Cloathes as he desired, but he did not find the discourse made good for he was forced to wait a long time for his Mony, and now he had spun a fair thread his mony was almost all gone, and being Monyless he was inforced to look out some melancholly place to spin away the time in, upon this account he was a great frequenter of the Temple-walks, which were pleasant, melancholly, and withal safe, for there he was out of danger of being arrested, which he began now to dread, and this walk turned him to a more profitable account as I shall presently relate to you; one day he being very melancholly in his ordinary walk at the Temple, sees one who had Lodgings in that house who was of his acquaintance, they salute each other, and so walk about for some time, at length, the Gentleman tells our Extravagant, that he must beg his pardon, for he could no longer walk with him, being ingaged to cross the water about an affair of Consequence; it then happened to rain, and therefore our Extravagant told him sure Sir you will not go before the Shower is over; that matters not much, replyed the Gentleman, for I will send for my Cloak, and thereupon called for a Porter and directed him to his Chamber, to command his servant to send his Cloak, the Porter went and fetched it accordingly, and so the Gentleman putting it on, departed.

Our Extravagant observing this accordingly, and now being in Querpo without a Cloak, thought he had a fair expedient to get one, and if he were discovered it would pass for a Frolick, whereupon he calls a Porter and sends him to a chamber, whose Master was of his acquaintance, and whom he saw was newly gone out, and ordring the Porter to fetch his Cloak from thence, named himself the Master of the Chamber; the Porter went, and the Servant who attended in the Chamber knowing that his Master was but newly gone out, and believing he might have occasion for his Cloak, delivered it to the Porter who carried it to our Extravagant, who now having a Cloak marched off, being provided for against a shower of Rain that then happened, but withal he knowing it would be dangerous to wear that Cloak which was remarkably known among his aquaintance, having Gold Buttons, he marched to Long-Lane, and exchanged it for a Coat of a different colour, and had Money to boot, and now having succeeded so well in this first attempt and being resolved to try further, he thought fit to acquaint this Broker that he had several Cloaks that he would exchange or sell to him. The Broker replyed he should be very welcom, and he would deal very honestly with him, and so he left him, and the next day he plyed his business, so that in the manner aforementioned, taking his due observations, gained three Cloaks more, and before the week was at an end he had ten or twelve, being Master of so many Cloaks he dealt with his Broker, and exchanged for a very handsom suit and Cloak, and a pretty sum of money in his Pocket, and now he was set up again.

He again marches to the Gaming House, and there in short time looses all his ill purchased Wealth, and now the loss of so many Cloaks together, having been so much talked of by the Owners, he thought it would be to no purpose to attempt that trick any further, but knowing he had a Merchant his Broker, who would deal with him for any thing of Cloaths, he went to the Play-house, and there he nim’d off the Gold Buttons from Cloaks, and the Gold and Silver Lace from Gentlewomens Petycoats, nay sometimes he would cut off great part of the Petticoats, and this trade he did drive a long time, and as fast as he was Master of any such purchase he sold it to the Broker who received all that came, and although he knew our Extravagant could not come honestly by these purchases, yet he still encouraged him to bring him more.

And was so kind to him that being arrested by his Landlord for five pound for Lodging and Diet, he furnished him with the some, and set him at liberty, he promising to repay him in a short time, by such things as he should bring in. But he being at liberty and following his old Trade, and finding that although he brought much grist to the Mill, still carried some of his Commodities to the Broker, yet he had but little money of him, for in the first place he gave him less price, and then withal stop’d most part of the money for the old Debt, he considering of this was resolved to leave the Broker and make the best of his markets elsewhere, and so he did; but the Broker soon discovered him, and in revenge caused him to be arrested and clapt up into the Counter, from whence he had lately redeemed him.

Our Extravagant bearing close enough sent to his Mother, but she was as deaf to him as he had been to her, and was resolved to let him bite on the bridle, wherefore he being weary of that Prison, and understanding that Ludgate was far better, resolved to remove himself thither, but first he again tryed what his Mother would do, but she although the Debt was but four pounds would not pay it, but if he could get off for forty shillings, she gave him some hopes that she would disburse it, but the Broker was inexorable, would have all or none which he understanding, in a humour writ these Lines.