Our young Extravagant Cheats his Father of more money by receiving Rent; which being spent, he returned home; and his Mother refusing to give him what money he desired, she being on Horseback behind him, he threatens to throw her into the water, and so he obtains it of her. The Old man dies, and he prosecutes his extravagancies upon Watermen, Coach-men and a poor Pudding; he also puts a trick upon a Barber; and plays a fine freack at a Coffee-house; and being Poetical, makes Verses on Canary.

By this Project our young man escaped the correction his Father intended him; and not only so, but his Mother now looking on him, as one twice risen from the dead, was so foolishly fond, as to hug and embrace him; all this he took in good part, as knowing this fond humour of his Mothers would turn to his advantage; for he having now put her twice to this fright, she was fearful that the third time would prove fatal in earnest; wherefore she now supplied him with Moneys to excess; and he spent it as Prodigally, as he came by it lightly. But the good old man keeping her short, her stock was not large enough to supply him in all his excesses, and then the Old man led a weary life with his wife, till she procured him to give her Son, who was now fifteen years of age, a certain allowance: he demanded fifty pound a year, besides his Diet; but this the old man said was unreasonable; and he alledged, it would be more to the profit of his Son, and himself both, to put him out to be an Apprentice to a good Trade; but neither the Mother nor Son would give any hearing to this Proposition; but in answer to it, the Mother said what, and have I but one Child, and must he be made a Servant? I scorn it; sure you intend to make somebody else your Heir, some Bastards that you have abroad, or else you would not offer to desire or think that your only Son and Heir should be an Apprentice and make clean Shooes, and sweep the Stret-doors; have I bred him up to this? Thus did the Woman answer her Husband, and so put him by from ever making any more such offers; and she alledging that her Son was now man enough to manage an Estate of five hundred pound per annum; and that therefore his Father might do well to intrust him with fifty pound per annum; but he still alledging it was too much, and it would spoil him; at last, after a long contest, forty pound per annum was agreed on: The Old man now intending thus much for his Son, gave him two Acquittances to go to two of his Tenants to receive five pound a piece of them, it being their last Quarters Rent.

The young man supposing himself a Landlord, went among the Tenants, and intending to outwit his Father, managed his Affairs accordingly; wherefore when he came to the place where some of his Fathers Tenants dwelt, he went to a two Pot-house, and sent for three or four of them which he best knew, and telling them that his Father had ordered him to receive that Quarters Rent, withal produced the two Acquittances he had; these two paid him presently, and the rest did so likewise, he telling them that he had left their Acquittances under his Fathers own hand at home; but that he would give them Acquittances with his hand to his Fathers use, which would do as well. This excuse went as current, and the Tenents were well pleased to pay their money to him, and thereby hoped to ingratiate themselves with their young Landlord; and thus he received twenty pound, instead of the ten pound intended; and had received more of the other Tenants, if his Father, suspecting some such matter, had not gone, and by his presence prevented it.

There he soon found what his Son had done; which however turned somewhat to his advantage: for all the Tenants hearing their young Landlord had been there, and expecting him to come again suddenly had provided all the rent, hoping by that means to gain his good opinion, and a Treatment to boot, as the rest had done: so that now the Old man received all the rent at his first coming, whereas he was wont to come half a dozen times. And now having received his rents, he went home to his Wife, telling her, how their Son had served him; to which she replyed, that it was no matter, for to her knowledge he was bare, and quite out of moneys before, and that this would stock him. And now she having gained an allowance for her Son, she never left her Husband, till he increased her own, and gave her money to buy her some Clothes, as she pretended; and all this was to lay up for her unlucky-Bird, who, as his Father said, staid out till all was spent; and that was within so many days as he had pounds: and he being rid of his money returned home to pillage his Mother. He had made no spare of his Money so long as it lasted, in hopes to receive more of his Fathers Tenants; but he came thither too late, his Father having been there before him; so that being disappointed, he came home, and very quietly he demeaned himself for some time.

But the humour of rambling again possessing him, he courted his Mother for Money, she gave him some, but it was but sparingly, and he stomached it, because he had no more. A few days after, his Mother was to ride to London, to lay out some Moneys in necessaries; and she being desirous of his Company, caused him to ride before her; they being thus mounted together, put on very handsomly, till being come about half way, he guided the Horse into a Pond; she wondring, asked him his reason; he told her, only to water the Horse; but when the Horse was now in as far, and as deep as he could go, he shewed her another reason, told her another tale, and desired her to give him some money, she replyed, she had none for him; he answered that he knew she had money about her, and therefore he must and would have some; she said she had no more but what she was to lay out, and if she gave him any she must lose her Journey; he cared not for that, but told her, that if she did not give him some Money, he would throw her into the Pond, and thereby enforce her to lose her Journey; and he swore to it, that he would do it. She doubting that he would be as good as his word, was forced to compound the matter with him, and of five pounds, which she had about her, she hardly compounded with him for fifty Shillings; which he would not take her word for, but she was forced there, as she was on Horse-back, to deliver it to him, and then he rode on, but although she had her Sons Company to London, and paid so dear for it, yet she was forced to go home without him, he being there engaged upon the Ramble for so long as that money would last, and then home he came again; and this trick he would serve her as often as he wanted money, and could get her on Horse-back behind him; and as he gained, and filched from her, so she did the same from the Old man and all little enough to maintain her Prodigal Sons extravagances, and this was the course of life they all led.

The young man he spent largely, and pinched all he could from his Mother; she cheated her Husband egregiously to supply his Prodigality; and the old man he screwed all he could get, most shamefully and penuriously, out of his Tenants, and Debtors, to supply them both. These were his Tormentors, that still kept him in perplexity; and in the end, what with Age, and grief at their miscarriages he dyed, leaving all behind him to their disposing.

The Son was joyful, neither was the Mother discontented; and the Old man had at his death, made as prudent a Will as he could devise: for knowing that what he gave to the Mother, he gave to the Son; he dividing his Estate into three parts, gave two to her, and one to him; hoping by such time as he should have spent one third part, he might take up, and be wiser; and then his Mother would be fit to give him another portion.

As soon as the old man was dead, order was taken for his Burial, which was by the Mother and Sons appointment splendid enough; but although the Son attended his Fathers Corps to the Grave, yet the Mother would not, as pretending to be ill, and withal, that it was a thing not in fashion; under this pretence she staid at home: but there was a greater and more urgent cause; for she had a lusty Suitor who attended her, and him she kept Company withal. The Son saw his Fathers Corps put into the ground, and was so wretched, as to command the Grave-maker to put him deep enough lest he should rise again; and now seeing his Fathers Body fast enough, he went a Rambling, and that very night was taken in the Watch at his return home; but being known, he was passed the Watch, and coming home heard how his Mother had bestowed her time in his absence; this raised some doubts and scruples in his mind, doubting, that she might, and would marry and then defeat him of his expectations; wherefore, although he was not yet twenty years of Age, yet he desired his Portion, but that could not be; however such course was taken by some of his Fathers Friends, that his Portion was secured for him; and in the mean time it was agreed, that he should have a considerable allowance. But all this did not please him: for although what was allowed him, was sufficient to maintain him handsomly, yet he spent three times as much, and ran into every Bodies score that would trust him; he was soon aweary of his Mourning Apparel, and therefore in few Months threw that off, and a Suit that cost fifty pounds was provided; in this he did vaunt it, and Rant it about the Town, and all the loose Fellows of no Fortune were his hangers on, or Companions. He spun away the time of his Non-age with all impatience; but when the happy, and long-wished-for-day came, he was the joyfullest man alive. By that time his Mother was married to the Suitor who had put in so early; but being cunning (as most Widows are) she had reserved her Sons Estate entire, and not only so, but a considerable part of her own; so that her Husband had not above one third part of the whole. And now her Son without any controul, demanded, and received his full Portion; many hard words passed between Mother and Son on that account, so that they fell out in earnest; and he taking what was his due, gave her the good buy.

And now was the time come that he took his full swinge in all manner of voluptuousness and debauchery. Taverns were the best places he frequented, as having somewhat for his money: But that expence was not deep enough; he hunted out and frequented all Houses of good fellowship.

All the most eminent Bona Roba’s about the Town were of his acquaintance; and he was not content to have their Company in common, but searching out those that best pleased him, he took them from their Publick Employment, and kept them for his own private pleasures, disposing them in several places, as he had occasion to use them; and commonly keeping three or four of these at Livery; and, which was worse than all this, that he might put the sooner dispatch to his Estate, he frequented Ordinaries, and Gaming Houses and there suffered himself to be cheated to some purpose.

The Mother hearing of these his exorbitant extravagancies, went, and sent to him (for he would not come to her) to disswade him from these courses; but instead of that, he returned wild and extravagant answers, upbraiding her with her sensuality in her second Marryage; and expressed himself so rudely on that account, that I am ashamed to repeat it.

I will relate some particulars of extravagancies, because it exceeds all that I have heard of. He went one time to the Temple-stairs, and perceiving a great many Water-men, both Oars and Scullers, attending for Fares, but more especially for the Lawyers of that place, to carry them to Westminster, it being Term-time; and being resolved on a frollick, to disappoint them, he hired all of them, to carry him, and two or three of his Companions, to the Old Swan; so that when the Lawyers came to take Boat, there was none for them; and they were forced to beat upon the hoof, or be at the charge of Coaches.

Another time, he being importuned by Water-men, who usually clutter about a Fare, striving who shall earn the money; and only having occasion to cross the Water, he hired four of them to transport him just over, and gave them six pence a piece for their pains; and then they wanting other employment, he told them, that if they would fight with one another, he would give them six pence a piece more; and he, to invite them to it, caused them to quarrel with one another, and so to it they fell lustily; he standing by, and laughing at them.

Thus did he use the Water-men; and he was extravagant with the Coach-men; for sometimes, although he valued not his Money, yet he would in a frollick, get out of the Coach, and leave them in the hurry to look their pay-master; but if they knew, and met with him again, and demanded it handsomly, he would pay them double.

He met with one Coach-man, a surly, dogged fellow, and he served him accordingly; for he had been hurrying about, from one place to another, to find out Company, all that Afternoon; and at night he demanded of the Coachman what he must have; he replyed, eight shillings, which was too much by three shillings; and he not being in the humour to part with his money so slightly, and being withal very well acquainted with the prices of Hackney-Coach-men, he, for that time, refused to give him his demands; and the fellow began to be surly, peremptory, and sawcy; so that he had a great mind to have beaten him: but seeing he was a rugged fellow, he would not venture on that Revenge, but bethought himself of another; which he thus effected.

Well, replyed he to the Coach-man, I will content you, before we part; but now I think on it, I must go a little further, to such a place, naming it. The Coach-man was content; and thereupon, he and his Servant went into the Coach; it was now dark, it being Winter; and he had the better conveniency of executing his project; which he did thus. He drew out his Knife, and he, and his Man together did cut all the leather round on the back of the Coach, leaving it hanging by the top; and by this time being come to the place he appointed, he was there set down, and gave the Coach-man his hire; who not perceiving the dammage done to his Coach, departed; and our Gallant drinking a quart of Wine, and calling for another Coach, was carried home.

The next day, the Coach-man, after much inquiry, found out our Gentleman’s Quarters; and waiting his coming out, told him, that he had done him forty shillings worth of dammage in cutting the Leather of his Coach; he denied the fact, and bid him prove it: the other told him, that he would take his oath of it before any Justice of the Peace; and if (said he) you will not give me satisfaction, I will have you before a Justice, and he will compel you to do it. Our Gentleman hearing him talk so of the Justice, was resolved to frighten the Fellow, and out-wit him; and therefore he replyed, Nay, then, if you talk of a Justice, you were best have a care of your self, how you come there, lest I have you sent to New-gate. For what? replied the Coach-man. You need not make so strange of it, replyed our Gallant, you believe no body saw you yesterday what you did in the field near Putney, where you carried me? Why, what did I do? replyed the Coach-man. Why, you buggered a Sow there, replyed our Gentleman. Oh Lord! said the Coach-man. And oh Lady too! said our Gentleman, it is too true, and you will find it so to your cost; both my self, and my man saw it, and will take our Oaths of it if we go before the Justice. Our Gallants man hearing what his Master had said, justified and averred the truth with an Oath; which put the poor Coach-man into such a dump, that he went away with a flea in his ear, and durst not insist upon our Gentlemans payment for the dammage done to his Coach. This was the course our extravagant took; these were the tricks he plaid; and in general, there was no manner of mischief but he put in practice; and he so much prided, and gloried in doing so, that although it were well known he was wicked enough, yet he would not talk and boast of more than he had done; and there was no particular debauched action, or extravagancy done in London, but he would boast himself to be the Author of it, and imitate it to his power. He had observed, that a poor woman sat at one of the City-Gates, and sold hot pudding by the pound; he had a crotchet came in his Crown, to put a trick upon this Woman; and therefore having a Companion with him, he acquainted him with his intent, and desired his assistance. He who kept him Company was as ready as his Worship for any mischief; and therefore together they came to this poor woman, who was newly come with her pudding piping hot from the Bake-house, and demanded the price; she told them four pence a pound: he agreed to the price, and she weighed out a pound: she had asked him what he would do with it? for she, seeing his gaudy Clothes, and partly knowing him, said, that he would not eat it. He replied, it was no matter to her what he did with it, so long as she was paid for it. She knowing he had said true, delivered it to him in a handkerchif. He having the pudding, drew out a six pence, and throwing it on the ground, bid her take it up. She stooping so to do, his Companion turned up her Coats, and he clapt the hot pudding to her naked posteriors. The woman, feeling it hot, cryed out amain; but he still held it there, and pressed it hard upon her, whereupon she leapt away from them; and being sensible that she was scalded, she ran to the kennel, and taking up her coats, clapt her bare buttocks in the dirt, to cool and asswage the heat, whilst our Extravagant, and his Companion marched off.

The woman was so paid off, that she could not follow her employment; and acquainting her Husband with the matter, and the party who; he, the next day, found him out, and demanded satisfaction for the dammage he had done to his Wife. Our young man disowned the fact, and refused all satisfaction: but the Good man was sure enough that it was he; for by this time he had (according to his usual custom) bragged of this exploit so that the man being in earnest, and telling him, that if he would not pay for the Cure, and the dammage he sustained by his wives neglect of her business, that he would arrest him, and compel him by Law. He therefore in a humour gave the man twenty shillings, and so ended this frollick of the Pudding-woman.

There hardly passed a day, but he was guilty of some frollick or other; and if he had the humour of doing, he would go through with it, though it cost his pockets never so dear: Some of his frollicks were somewhat more harmless, but altogether as comical and pleasant. If he had heard of any frollicks, though never so extravagant and old, he would attempt to do the like; and many such he did only in imitation and to renew the discourse of them. As for example: he was used to have the Barber, for the most part, to come to him; and although he had no beard (for he was never known to have above five hairs on one side of his face, and seven on the other) yet he was usually shaved every day. But one day he went to a Barbers to be trim’d, and sitting down in the Chair, the Barber fell to his work. He intended to have some frollick with this Barber; and the Barber gave him a very good occasion and opportunity: for the Barber having occasion to make water, and being somewhat lazy, pissed about his shop. Our Gallant asked his reason; and told him, it was a nasty trick. To which the Barber pleaded, for excuse, that it was no great matter, for he was to leave the shop in a weeks time, and to remove to another, and therefore it would not annoy him much. This action, and answer, fell out for our Gallant, as fit as pudding for a Friers-mouth; and therefore he was resolved to prosecute his intended project; and he did so tickle himself with laughing at the conceit he intended, that the Barber could hardly shave him, without indangering the cutting of his Throat or Chaps.

But that was done in time, and our Gentleman was delivered from the imprisonment of the Chair, when in the prosecution of his intended Project, he asked Cutbert whether he had any sorts of sweet powder? He shewed him what he had below, and that not pleasing him, he went up stairs to fetch more: no sooner did he mount up the stairs, but down went our Gallants breeches, and there in the middle of the Shop, he laid the biggest load he could exonerate himself of. He made all the haste he could, and just as the Barber descended down stairs, up went his Breeches. The Barber, although he had sweet Powder in his hand, yet he could not only smell, but see that there was somewhat in the Shop that was not so sweet to the scent, nor pleasant to the sight; wherefore he also asked his Customer his Reason for so doing? He replied, he had the very same reason for disburthening himself, as he had; for said he, I am to leave the shop presently, and it will not annoy me much. The Barber seeing that he was beaten at his own weapon, made no reply, but was forced to be content; and our Gallant left the Shop and the Barber; to go among his Companions, to boast of this witty exploit. This was talk enough for him for some days. But he still studied, by such time as one was stale, to project and execute another; and it was not long after ere he met with one altogether as extravagant, and much like the other.

Although he was a great Drinker, yet he did fight cunningly, and would not let one drop of Wine go down his belly in the morning, nor hardly admit of any mornings-draught though never so moderate; forbearing all drinking, till the affairs of the Gut, the eating were over; and then, as he used to say, it would do your heart good to see him take off his Liquor, especially Sack, which was his chiefest delight; and he would bear it very lustily, and with the help of a Coach get to his Lodging in very good order.

But one time he had missed and omitted this custom, and drank all day without eating, so that the next morning his belly and head were both filled with airy humours, his belly asked and croaked, and his head was giddy, wanting settlement; wherefore, some Friends who came to visit him, advised him to drink some Coffee; he believing that in regard it was to be drunk hot, that it might heat his Guts, and qualifie his brain went to a Coffee-house with them; where being sat down, and having put two warm dishes full into his Guts, it made him break wind forwards and backwards both; at which unusual noise among so many people as were there together, he was more than usually stared at; he minded not their staring, but continued in drinking; and withal observed the several postures used in drinking their Coffee; some he saw laid their Nose, some their eyes, nay, and some their ears to the Coffee-dish, to let the smoak, or fume of the Coffee ascend; at this unusual sight he asked the reason of it; and it was generally replyed, that it was an excellent remedy against the Cold which they had gotten in those parts; he hearing them say so, had an extravagant humour come into his brain; and I dare say, if the Company would have given him twenty pound, he would not have forborn the execution of it; but thus proceeded: He called for the largest Dish of Coffee in the house; it being filled, he set it in the middle of the Coffee-room, and letting down his Breeches, he turned up his shirt, and placed his Bum just over the Coffee-dish. All the Company wondring and laughing at this Extravagancie; he cryed out, Nay, Gentlemen, you need not laugh so hard, for I do no otherwise then you have directed me, for you all say Coffee is good for a Cold, and to your knowledg my Podea had gotten a Cold, for it coughed since I came in hither; and therefore do but as I was directed, to let the fumes of the Coffee asend to the place affected. Having now had his frollick, he put up his Breeches, and sitting down among the Company, gave them all occasion to exercise their eyes in staring on him; and he again entertained them with such fantastical discourse, as made them believe that he was more Knave than Fool, and enough of both.

You may judge by this (said Mrs. Mary) of the rest of his Extravagancies; and this was the dayly exercise of his wit, which (as you may understand) was not barren in inventing all manner of debaucheries; and indeed, had he had somewhat to exercise his wit on that which was ingenuous or good, he must have been succesful enough, for he had a strong memory, for he retained all he read, he never forgot the least, or slightest story that he had once read over: he read but little, and that was of the pleasantest sort of reading, books of Knight-Errantry; and of them he knew all, and could relate all the stories, from Tom Thumb to Amadis de Gaule, and the Mirrour of Knight-hood. All the Palmerins, and Primaleons, he knew as well as if he had gon to School with them; he knew the Father, Son, and Grandfather; and frequented Booksellers Shops only to inquire for more parts of those Histories. Don Bellianis of Greece was a brave Knight with him; and he was wont to say, that it was great pity that some Ingenuous Pen did not prosecute the adventure of that honour of Chivalry in a second part: he was intended to have done it himself, if he could but have spared so much time. From this History he proceeded to Cassandra and Cleopatra; but those Hero’s and Ladies were of too strict and virtuous an inclination for his converse: the loose Galaor, Brother to St. Amadis, was a man for his Money, being one who was a general lover of all Ladies. He had also read over Orlando Furioso in verse; and was very much in love with mine Hosts Tale to Rodamant, of the loosness of Women; this he commended above any thing in the book; and in all his readings he imitated the Spider, and not the Bee, in sucking the Poison, not the Honey from them. By means of this converse with Poetical books, he was so much infected with Poetry, that he could versifie and ryme indifferently; and being in love with Canary, he bestowed some time in composing these Verses on that Divine Liquor.