Mr. Punch in the Hunting Field :: MY LITTLE BROWN MARE

MY LITTLE BROWN MARE

Sir John Alexander Hammerton

(A Song for the commencement of the Hunting Season)

She's rather too lean but her head's a large size,

And she hasn't the average number of eyes;

Her hind legs are not what you'd call a good pair,

And she's broken both knees, has my little brown mare.

You can find some amusement in counting each rib,

And she bites when she's hungry like mad at her crib;

When viewed from behind she seems all on the square,

She's quite a Freemason—my little brown mare.

Her paces are rather too fast, I suppose,

For she often comes down on her fine Roman nose,

And the way she takes fences makes hunting men stare,

For she backs through the gaps does my little brown mare.

She has curbs on her hocks and no hair on her knees;

She has splints and has spavins wherever you please?

Her neck, like a vulture's, is horribly bare,

But still she's a beauty, my little brown mare.

She owns an aversion to windmills and ricks,

When passing a waggon she lies down and kicks;

And the clothes of her groom she'll persistently tear—

But still she's no vice has my little brown mare.

When turned down to grass she oft strays out of bounds;

She always was famous for snapping at hounds;

And even the baby has learnt to beware

The too playful bite of my little brown mare.

She prances like mad and she jumps like a flea,

And her waltz to a brass band is something to see:

No circus had ever a horse, I declare,

That could go through the hoops like my little brown mare.

I mount her but seldom—in fact, to be plain,

Like the Frenchman, when hunting I "do not remain:"

Since I've only one neck it would hardly be fair

To risk it in riding my little brown mare!

Just 'op across, would ye

TROUBLES OF A WOULD-BE SPORTSMAN

Huntsman (to W.B.S.). "Just 'op across, would ye, sir, and turn those 'ounds to me, please."

You want to give me a fall

RESPICE FINEM

Excited Shepherd (to careful Sportsman, inspecting fence with slight drop). "Come on, sir! All right! Anywhere 'ere!"

Careful Sportsman. "All very fine! You want to give me a fall, and get half-a-crown for catching my horse!"

WEEDS

"WEEDS"

BEWARE WIRE

"'WARE WIRE!"

"Hallo, Jack! What's up?"

"Don' know! I'm not!"

Misplaced Energy

Huntsman (seeking a beaten fox). "Now then, have you seen anything of him?"

Cockney Sportsman (immensely pleased with himself). "Well, rather! Why, I've just driven him into this drain for you!"

WHILE YOU WAIT

"WHILE YOU WAIT"

"Here, my good man, just pull those rails down. Be as quick as you can!"

"Take 'em down, miss! It'll be a good four hours' job, for I've been all the mornin' a-puttin' of 'em up!"

ECHOES OF THE CHASE

ECHOES OF THE CHASE. BOXING DAY

Holiday Sportsman (to Whip, who has been hollering). "Where's the fox?"

Whip. "Gone away, of course."

H. S. "Gone away! Wotcher makin' all that noise for, then? I thought you'd caught 'im!"

EASILY SATISFIED

Gent (who all but dissolved partnership at the last fence). "Thank goodness I've got hold of the reins again! If I could but get my foot into that confounded stirrup, I should be all right!"

A Nice Prospect

Host (to Perks, an indifferent horseman, who has come down for the hunting). "Now, look here, Perks, old chap, as you're a light weight, I'll get you to ride this young mare of mine. You see, I want to get her qualified for our Hunt Cup, and she's not up to my weight, or I'd ride her myself. Perhaps I'd better tell you she hasn't been ridden to hounds before, so she's sure to be a bit nervous at first; and mind you steady her at the jumps, as she's apt to rush them; and I wouldn't take her too near other people, as she has a nasty temper, and knows how to use her heels; and, whatever you do, don't let her get you down, or she'll tear you to pieces. The last man that rode her is in hospital now. But keep your eye on her, and remember what I've said, and you'll be all right!"

[Consternation of Perks

'Arry on 'Orseback

Our 'Arry goes 'unting and sings with a will,

"The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill:"

And oft, when a saddle looks terribly bare,

The 'eels of our 'Arry are seen in the air!

W. STANDS FOR WIRE

'W. STANDS FOR WIRE'

"Hulloah, Jarge! Been puttin' up some wire to keep the fox-hunter away?"

"Noa, I b'ain't put up no wire; but the 'unt they sends me a lot o' them boards with 'W' on um, so I just stuck 'em up all round the land, and they never comes nigh o' me now!"

THE HUNTING SEASON

Rector. "Is that the parcels post, James? He's early this morning, isn't he?" (Noise without, baying of dogs, &c.) "What's all this——"

James (excited). "Yes, sir. Postman says as how the young 'ounds, a comin' back from cubbin', found 'im near the kennels, and runned 'im all the way 'ere. They was close on 'im when he got in! Thinks it was a packet o' red 'errins in the bag, sir! I see the run from the pantry window"—(with enthusiasm)—"a beautiful ten minutes' bu'st, sir!"]

Duck, you fool

"Duck, you fool! Duck!"

Hunting "Day by Day"

"The Mudsquashington Foxhounds had a good day's sport from Wotsisname Coverts (which were laid for a large number). They found in Thingamy Woods, rattled him round the Osier Beds, and then through the Gorse, just above Sumware. Leaving this and turning left-handed, he ran on as far as Sumotherplace, where he finally got to ground. Amongst the numerous field were Lord Foozle and Lady Frump, Messrs. Borkins, Poshbury, and Tomkyn-Smith."^[A]

^[A] Half a dozen similar paragraphs cut out as being too exciting for the average reader's brain to bear.—Ed.

At Melton

First Sportsman. "That crock of yours seems to be a bit of a songster."

Second Sportsman. "Yes, he has always been like that since I lent him to a well-known English tenor."

First Sportsman (drily). "You should have taken him in exchange."

A NICE BEGINNING

A NICE BEGINNING.

The above is not a French bull-fight, but merely the unpleasant adventure Mr. Jopling experienced on our opening day, when a skittish Alderney crossed him at the first fence.

ARRY ON ORSEBACK

'ARRY ON 'ORSEBACK

'Arry (in extremities). "Well, gi' me a bike!"

sit tight this time

CONVENIENCE OF A LIGHT-WEIGHT GROOM

Miss Ethel. "Now, sit tight this time, Charles. How could you be so stupid as to let him go?"

Don't jump here

Voice from the ditch. "Don't jump here!"

Irish Huntsman. "And what would ye be after down there? Wather-cresses?"

Rather

"Is fox-hunting dangerous?" asks one of our daily papers. A fox informs us that it has its risks.

let me 'ave a turn

Rough Rider (to old Creeper, who will not let his horse jump). "Now then, gov'nor, if you are quite sure you can't get under it, perhaps you'll let me 'ave a turn!"

Proof Positive

Podson (lately returned from abroad). "Well, I hear you've been having a capital season, Thruster."

Thruster. "Oh, rippin'! Why, I've had both collar-bones broken, left wrist sprained, and haven't got a sound horse left in my string!"

INEXPRESSIBLE

Master Jack (son of M.F.H., much upset by hard weather). "Go skating with you! Not if I know it. May be all very well for you women and those curate chaps—but we hunting men, by George!!!"

By the Covert Side

Fred (a notorious funk). "Bai Jove! Jack, I'm afraid I've lost my nerve this season!"

Jack. "Have you? Doosid sorry for the poor beggar who finds it!"

Cartoon

Elderly Sportsman. "I wonder they don't have that place stopped. Why, I remember running a fox to ground there twenty years ago! Don't you?"

Lady Di (to Jack, whose vows of devotion have been interrupted by a fox being hollered away). "Oh, Jack, my hair's coming down! Do stop and hold my horse. I won't be five minutes."

AWFUL RESULT OF THE WAR

AWFUL RESULT OF THE WAR!

A Dream of Mr. Punch's Sporting Correspondent

["Mr. Arthur Wilson, Master of the Holderness Hunt, has received an intimation from the War Office that, in consequence of the war with the Transvaal, ten of his horses will be required."—Daily Paper.]

NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED

"NO FOLLOWERS ALLOWED"

ROBBERY WITH VIOLENCE

Lady (who has just jumped on fallen Sportsman). "I'm awfully sorry! I hope we didn't hurt you?"

Fallen Sportsman. "Oh, I'm all right, thanks. But—er—do you mind leaving me my hat?"

In the Midlands

Belated Hunting Man (to Native). "Can you kindly point out the way to the Fox and Cock Inn?"

Native. "D'ye mean the Barber's Arms?"

B. H. M. "No, the Fox and Cock!"

Native. "Well, that's what we call the Barber's Arms."

B. H. M. "Why so?"

Native (with a hoarse laugh). "Well, ain't the Fox and Cock the same as the Brush and Comb?"

[Vanishes into the gloaming, leaving the B. H. M. muttering those words which are not associated with benediction, while he wearily passes on his way.

Appropriate to the Winter Season

For sportsmen, the old song long ago popular, entitled "There's a Good Time Coming, Boys," if sung by a M.F.H. with a bad cold, as thus: "There's a Good Tibe Cubbing, Boys!"

hunting cap comes home

Mr. Briggs's hunting cap comes home, but that is really a thing Mrs. Briggs can not, and will not put up with!

obliged to lead his horse up

Mr. Briggs goes out with the Brighton Harriers. He has a capital day. The only drawback is, that he is obliged to lead his horse up hill to ease him—

And down

and down hill because he is afraid of going over his head—so that he doesn't get quite so much horse exercise as he could wish!

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