The Twentieth Century Epic

Honesty

Reuben Brodie Garnett

If in all your acquaintance, you know an honest man,

Produce him and introduce him to me if you can,

That I may get the likeness of his face

To emboss in gold for a model to the human race;

In my epic I’ll give him a prominent place.

Now, don’t get miffed at me, till my meaning you see

And my definition you fully understand of honesty.

I can find plenty of people anywhere

Who will not lie like a tiger in his lair,

Ready to pounce upon you, your neck to break,

Your horse to steal and your watch to take;

Who will not break into your house at night,

And commit burglary without any light;

Or in your pocket slip his slimy hands

To snake out your money where he stands;

Or who will not murder, rob and plunder

Or steal your child your roof from under;

Or who will not commit any of your crimes

And pay all that they owe, even to dimes

And contracts keep square within the lines;

And yet none of these come up you see,

To my idea of what true honesty must be.

Now an honest man will strictly follow facts

In every thing he thinks, believes, or acts;

When he knows the truth that will guide his way.

Where there are no winding paths for him to stray.

He will not suppress the evidence in a case,

Where some gain may come to him in his race

For gold, ambition, pride, or even grace.

Without uttering a word, the biggest lie ever heard,

May fly out with wings of the fleetest bird,

And in its wake its venom shake over our heads,

Bringing distress and grief its desolation sheds.

By simple look, wink, or nod of the head,

We give assent to whatever is said;

And in that way push falsehood straight ahead.

Nothing at all may be asked, no inquiry made,

Still we should tell about the horse we trade;

If any faults he have, ring bone, spavin joint,

Pole evil, swinny or any other weak point,

We should spit it out right away

And not wait for the other fellow to say.

If a house you have to sell where one must dwell,

Tell about the plumbing and everything as well,

That makes your house unsuited to him you’d sell.

If pastor of some orthodox church you may be;

And find things in the Bible that can’t agree

With reason and sense, don’t get upon your knee

And pray grace to help you see that two equals three.

Speak the truth, lose your job and stay free.

When you go upon the street and a stranger meet

Who seems to know you, don’t be so sweet,

And claim to know his face while you greet.

When dressed up in your only Sunday suit

That some one admires, don’t begin to hoot

That it is only your old every-day suit.

When asked a simple question you cannot answer

Don’t say that you’ve just forgot and be a romancer,

Come out with the truth, say you don’t know.

When inquiry is made as to what church you go,

If you don’t go to any, just say so;

Don’t pretend that you go to different ones

“You know.”

If you’re running a bank and get short on cash

Where to extend accommodation might cause a smash,

Don’t squint your goggled eyes and look wise,

And claim that you’re moving the crop, otherwise,

You’d be too glad to take a loan of that size.

When you are specially invited to play or sing,

And are pining to hear your own piano ring

Don’t say that you’re out of practice here of late,

When you’ve done nothing but practice for that date.

If some one cordially asks you to have a drink,

Don’t tell him that you, yourself, was on the brink

Of inviting him with you in a social glass to link.

When you have old clothes lying on the floor

That you are about to hand over to the poor,

Don’t pretend that you’ve them simply outgrown,

When in the rag-bag they’ve actually been thrown.

When some dear friend implores you for a ten

Don’t pull your coin case where money had been,

As if he didn’t know where your full bill book stayed,

In your hip pocket crammed, the bills nicely laid.

When in your swift automobile you ride,

Don’t ask any one to sit by your side,

Ride by yourself and flatter your pride,

That everybody’s observing how slick you glide.

When you get on your new spring hat and green cravat,

Don’t break your back trying to be so straight,

But let modesty all your demeanor regulate.

Don’t feel so grand, and swagger as you go

Forgetting to whom for those things you owe.

You are dishonest in the way you treat your wife;

You go to clubs and revel in high life;

You smoke, chew and drink to your full,

While she stays at home the baby buggy to pull.

You go outing and have a jolly time;

And, when you start out, you flip her a dime;

When you do hand out a ten her things to buy,

You pull it out slow and heave a deep sigh,

And before you leave you almost make her cry,

Saying so very much about hard times being nigh;

If you ever spend a dollar freely in your life

Let it be the dollar you deliver to your wife.

Sling it out and say, “Money grows on trees!”

If she wants more you’ll dash it to the breeze.

You don’t always tell your wife where you’ve been,

And I don’t advise you to, for I don’t begin

To tell mine all the places where I go

And the reasons for which I’ll never show.

You are dishonest in listing for your tax,

In giving in notes and bonds hid away in cracks;

And the value of your things you put so low

That when th’ assessor’s gone you don’t know

Where you’ll get your next meal, so poor you feel.

When you take your seat on the witness stool,

And swallow that solemn oath under the court rule,

The things that help your case, your lawyer told,

In your memory seem to stay with an iron hold;

But those circumstances that against you militate

Appear entirely faded off your memory plate.

A falsehood acted, spoken, thought or believed

Seems justifiable when the one by it deceived

Had no right to elicit the truth from you,

And with the matter in dispute had nothing to do;

But was merely intermeddling, taking in the view

Of people’s affairs to glut his curious mind

And get into trouble if the same he’d find.

Of all the animals on ear

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