  I'll proceed to the narration Of a trifling episode In the life of Mr. Platt, An auctioneer, Who was filled with jubilation And remarked: "Well, I'll be blowed!"— An expression rather im- Polite, I fear. But he dreamt he'd heard it stated That, in future, auctioneers Might include their near relations In their sales; And he felt so much elated That he broke out into cheers, As one's apt to do when other Language fails. Seize this opportunity Of getting rid of ma-in-law, And Jane— ('Twas his wife)—I'll not regret her; And, indeed, it seems to me Such a chance may really not Occur again. "And, indeed, while I'm about it, I'll dispense with all the lot— (O'er my family I've lately Lost command)— 'Tis the best plan, never doubt it. I'll dispose of those I've got, And, perhaps, I'll get some others Second-hand." So his ma-in-law he offered As the first lot in the sale, And he knocked her down for two- And-six, or less. Then Mrs. Platt he proffered— She was looking rather pale; But she fetched a good round sum, I must confess. But she went off pretty well Considering her wooden leg, And that; But I can't think how he managed His wife's grandmother to sell— But he did it. It was very smart Of Platt. (Lots from 9 to 22), Fetched the auctioneer a tidy sum Between 'em. (One small boy had barked his shins, And a twin had lost one shoe, But they looked as well, Platt thought, as e'er He'd seen 'em.) Then some nephews, and some nieces, Sundry uncles, and an aunt, Went off at figures which were Most surprising. And some odds and ends of pieces (I would tell you, but I can't Their relationship) fetched prices Past surmising. It is quite enough to mention That before the day was out All his relatives had gone Without reserve. This fell in with Platt's intention, And he said: "Without a doubt, I shall now as happy be As I deserve." For he soon began to miss Mrs. Platt, his wife, and all The little "P's." And the servants made him snappy; Home was anything but bliss; And Mr. Platt was very Ill at ease. So he calmly thought it over. "On the whole, perhaps," said he, I had better buy my fam- Ily again, For I find I'm not in clover, Quite, without my Mrs. P.— She was really not a bad sort, Wasn't Jane." But the persons who had bought 'em Wouldn't part with 'em again. Though Platt offered for their purchase Untold gold. For quite priceless now he thought 'em, And, of course, could see quite plain That in selling them he had himself Been sold. And he thought, with agitation Of them lost for ever now, And he said, "This thing has gone Beyond a joke," While the beads of perspiration Gathered thickly on his brow; And then Mr. Platt, the auctioneer— Awoke.
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