  In the fashionable quarter Of a fashionable town Lived a fashionable barber, And his name was Mister Brown. Of hair, the most luxuriant, This person had a crop, And—a—so had his assistants, And—the boy who swept the shop. He had pleasant manners—very— And his smile was very bland, While his flow of conversation Was exceptionally grand. The difficulty was that he Did not know when to stop; Neither did his good assistants, Nor—the boy who swept the shop. And remark the day was fine, Or, perhaps, "it would be brighter If the sun would only shine." Or, he'd "noticed the barometer Had fallen with a flop; And—a—so had his assistants, And—the boy who swept the shop." Then the news from all the papers (Most of which you'd heard before) He would enter into fully, And the latest cricket score; Or, political opinions, He'd be pleased with you to swop; And—a—so would his assistants, Or—the boy who swept the shop. Mister Brown was quite au fait, And on betting, or "the fav'rit'," He would talk in knowing way; Then into matters personal He'd occasionally drop, And—a—so would his assistants, Or—the boy who swept the shop. He'd recommend Macassar oil, Or someone's brilliantine, As "a remedy for baldness." 'Twas "the finest he had seen." And he'd "noticed that your hair of late Was thinning on the top." And—a—"so had his assistants, And—the boy who swept the shop." Another barber came, And opened an establishment With quite another name. And Brown looked out and wondered If this man had come to stop. And—a—so did his assistants, And—the boy who swept the shop. But they didn't fear their neighbour, For the man seemed very meek. He'd no flow of conversation, And looked half afraid to speak. So Brown tittered at his rival (Whose name happened to be Knopp); And—a—so did his assistants, And—the boy who swept the shop. But somehow unaccountably Brown's custom seemed to flow In some mysterious sort of way To Knopp's. It was a blow. And Brown looked very serious To see his profits drop. And—a—so did his assistants And—the boy who swept the shop. Why this falling off should be, And I thought one day I'd step across To Mister Knopp's to see. I found him very busy With—in fact—no time to stop, And—a—so were his assistants. And—the boy who swept his shop. Mister Knopp was very silent, His assistants still as mice; All the customers were smiling, And one whispered, "Ain't it nice?" "Hey? You want to know the reason? Why, deaf and dumb is Knopp, And—a—so are his assistants, And—the boy who sweeps the shop."
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