Mi friend, yu may be more cunning than most men, but yu aint more cunning than all men.

Excentricitys are most alwus artyfishall, and the best that kan be sed ov them iz, they are quite az often the result ov diffidence az ov vanity.

If i want tew git at the trew karakter ov a man, i studdy hiz vices more than i do hiz virtews.

Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface.

It don’t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.

Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional moment ov sadness.

The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm.

Manner iz far more attraktive than matter—monkeys are watched clusser than eagles are.

Jelous people alwus luv themselfs more than they do thoze whom they are jelous ov.

Curiosity iz the germ ov all enterprizes—men dig for woodchucks more for curiosity, than they do for woodchucks.

The purest and best specimens ov human natur that the world haz ever seen, or ever will see, hav bin the virtewous heathen.

Men don’t fall so often in this world from a want ov right motives, az they do from lack ov grip.

Thare iz only two men in this world who never make enny blunders, and they are yu and me, mi friend.

Every man seemz tew hav hiz price, except the newsmonger, they prefer to work for nothing, and board themselfs.

Yung man, yu kant learn ennything bi hearing yureself talk, but yu may possibly by hearing others.

Thare iz no one who kan disregard with impunity the proprietys ov life, but thare are menny people who, if they aint propper, ain’t nothing.

Thare iz lots ov folks in this world whom yu kan blo up like a bladder, and then kik them az high az yu pleze.

I hav alwus notissed one thing, that when a cunning man burns hiz fingers every boddy hollers for joy.

Grate men should only allow their most trusty friends tew see them in their hours ov relaxashun.

I sumtimes distinguish between tallent and genius in this way: A man ov tallent kan make a whissell out of a pig’s tale, but it takes a man of genius tew make the tale.

I kant tell now whether a goose stands on one leg so mutch to rest the leg az to rest the goose. I wish sum scientifick man would tell me all about this.

Thare iz a mitey site ov difference whether Mr. John Smith will appear at Booth’s Theater az Othello, or whether Othello will appear az Mr. John Smith.

I had rather be a child again than to be the autokrat ov the world.

Thare iz newmerous individuals in the land who look upon what they hain’t got az the only things worth having.

Thare iz thoze who kant laff with impunity; if they aint stiff and sollum they aint nothing.

A fu branes in a man’s hed are az noizy az shot in a blown up bladder.

One man ov genius to 97 thousand four hundred and 42 men ov tallent iz just about the rite perporshun for aktual bizzness.

I hate grate talkers; i had rather hav a swarm ov bees lite onto me.

Adam and Eve were very good kind ov pholks until they were tempted, and then they kerflumixt immediately.

Ventilashun iz a good thing, but when a man kant lay down and sleep in a 10 aker lot without taking down two lengths ov fence to let the wind in he iz alltogether too airish.

I hav finally made up mi mind tew do a good turn whenever i kan, even if i git histed higher than a kite for it.

I think that a hen who undertakes tew lay 2 eggs a day must necessarily neglekt sum other branch ov bizzness.

He who really deserves friends alwus finds them.

Thare is “menny a slip between a cup and lip,” but not haff az menny az thare ought tew be.

The two most important words in enny languarge are the shortest—“Yes” and “No.”

One ov the most honest and reliable men i kno ov at the present time iz “Old Probabilitiz;” he iz an ornament and honor tew hiz sex.

Men hav more vanity than wimmin, and wimmin hav more jealousy than men.

Rather than not hav faith in enny thing, i am willing tew be beat 9 times out ov 10.

In whipping a yung one, yu don’t never ought tew stop untill yu git klean thru.

I dont never hav enny trubble in regulating mi own kondukt, but tew keep other pholks straight iz what bothers me.

Looking at pikturs iz a cheap way tew think.