Young man, when yu hav tew sarch Webster’s Dickshionary tew find words big enuff tew convey yure meaning yu kan make up yure mind that yu don’t mean mutch.

We admire modesty in a woman for the same reason that we admire bravery in a man.

Genuine grief iz like penitence, not klamorous but subdued; sorrow from the hous tops and penitence in a market place shows more ambishun than piety.

About the best thing that experiense kan do for us iz tew learn us how tew enjoy mizery.

It iz a grate art tew kno how tew “gather figs from thistles,” but philosophy teaches it.

The reazon whi so phew people are happy in this world iz bekauze they mistake their boddys for their souls.

We are poor not from what we need, but from what we want; necissitys are not only natral, but cheap.

I had rather hav a drop ov pepmint ile than a quart ov pepmint essence—i had rather drink out ov a spring than tew drink a hundred yards belo, for this reazon, when I read a book it iz one written by an old author whoze thoughts the modern writer haz attempted tew improve bi diluting.

This world iz phull ov heros and heroines, and the reason whi so menny ov them live unnoticed iz bekause they adorn every day life and not an ockashun.

All suckcessful flirts hav sharp eyes, one eye they keep on yu and one on the other phellow.

Vanity iz called a discreditabel pashun, but the good things that men do kan oftner be traced tew their vanity than tew their virtew.

Man iz a hily eddikated animal.

Don’t never phrovesy, yung man, for if yu phrovesy wrong, noboddy will forgit it, and if yu phrovesy right noboddy will remember it.

Tounge-tied wimmin are very skarse and very valuable.

Excentricitys when they are natral are sum indikashun ov a superior mind; thoze who think different from others are apt tew ackt different.

Vain men should be treated az boys treat bladders, blo them up till they bust.

It iz a grate art tew be superior tew others without letting them kno it.

Thare iz not only phun but thare is virtew in a harty laff; animals kant laff and devils won’t.

Don’t never quarrel with a loafer. Skurrillity iz hiz trade; yu never kan make him ashamed, but he iz sure tew mak yu.

I hav alwus noticed that he iz the best talker whoze thoughts agree with our own.

He who ackquires wealth dishonestly iz too corrupt tew enjoy it.

When beset with misfortins we should do az the sailors do in a gale—run before the wind.

Adversity iz the fire that tempers the iron ov man into steel.

I never had a man cum tew me for advise yet but what i soon diskovered that he thought more ov hiz own opinyun than he did ov mine.

Edukashun that don’t learn a man how tew think iz like knowing the multiplikashun forward but not bakwards.

Suckcess in this life iz like watching for a rat—the rat iz quite az app tew cum out at the other eend ov the hole.

Adversity haz the same effek on a phool that a hornet duz on a mule—it sets them tew kiking bak.

One ov the privileges ov old age seems tew be tew giv advise that noboddy will phollow, and relating experiences that every boddy distrusts.

An ill-natured old man and an old chawed up bull tarrier 259 are just the things tew set side bi side sumwhare in the sun, and fite flies for amuzement!

Vice in the young fills us with horror—in the old, with disgust.

Ambishun iz az natral tew the soul ov man az blood iz tew hiz boddy. Thare ain’t a shu blak on the face ov the earth but what beleaves he kan “shine em up” a leetle better than enny one else.

The only thing that we are positively sure ov in this life seems tew be the only thing that we think aint never a going tew happen, and that iz—death.

The grate desire ov mi life iz tew amuze sumboddy. I had rather be able tew set the multiplikashun table tew sum lively tune than tew hav bin the author ov it.

The man who never makes enny blunders seldum makes enny good hits.

Truth iz the only thing that Time cannot destroy, and Eternity cannot dispense with.

Life iz short, but if yu notis the way most people spend their time, yu would suppoze that life waz everlasting.

The grate advantage ov good breeding iz that it makes the phools endurable.

The snobs are all either half-breeds or dunghills.

Forms and cerimonys are just az mutch necessary in the church az uniforms are in the field; strip an army ov its cockades and brass buttons, and it would bekum a mob.

Ill bred people are alwus the most cerimonius, the kitchen alwus beats the parlor in punktillio.

If yu want tew be good, all yu hav tew do is tew obey God, luv man, and hate the devil.

Politeness iz the cheapest investment I kno ov, it iz like lighting another man’s kandle bi yours.

I rather admire the insolent civility ov a bull-tarrier, who only growls when i pass by him, but i never did like it in a man.

To be a good critic, requires more brains and judgment than most men possess.

It requires more good judgment to kno when tew talk, than what tew say.

The reason whi comik lektring is so hard tew do, iz bekauze most people go tew hear it out ov kuriosity, and kuriosity iz the hardest kind ov a thing tew suit.

Good books, mi dear, are the best friends yu kan hav, they never will cloy, and never will betray you.

A complasent man makes every boddy pleased with him, and what iz more, pleazed with themselfs.

If we couldn’t neither laff nor kry, what miserable kritters we should be.

When a man gits so low down that he iz willing tew be despized, he has tuched bottom.

After all, great conversashional powers make a man more feared than beloved.

In grate crowds ov persons, like grate floks ov birds, thare iz mutch more noise and chattering than sense.

Thare are but dredful phew people who kan talk ten minnits tew yu without lugging into the conversashun their bak or stummuk akes.