  Kind Fortune, teach thi servant humility, but let no sneak ov an upstart outshine him in things that are stylish. Giv unto me morality copious; and may mi shirt kollars be stiffer than china and whiter than snoballs in winter. Smile, thou goddess dear, at mi mustash, and may mi wisdum be grate—even like unto Solaman’s. Grant that i may a pattern be, worthy ov all imitashun, and that i able may be to wear a boot number 5 on these number 10 feet ov mine. 441Fill up mi kup tew the brim’s verry top with honor and honesty, and make mi neckties mine enemies tew smite with sorrow and silent confushion. Take away from me all vanity, but grant that mi Sunday panterloons may fit me, even az korn fitteth the kob. Remove far from me, O gentle Fortune! all pride and vain ostentashun, but grant that mi name amung wimmin may ever be spoken in acksents of gladness. Make my heart tew glisten with charity, but teach mi taylor and shumaker how tew wait for their munny and be happy. Let mi heart feast on the truth, but smile thou upon mi kork leg and periwig nobby. Remove far from me all gluttony, but preserve mi appetight for toast with a quail on it in all its original buty. Teach me tew shun all decepshun, but help me tew marry a big pile at last, making sum maiden or yung widdo happy. Take away from my heart all envy, but grant, kind Fortune, that mi hat kant be beat, nor the lavender tint ov mi gloves be exceeded. Fill me with courage true and reddy, but if enny man offers tew smote me, giv tew mi feet the fleetness ov venson and mi legs the speed ov the roebuck. Remove all affektashun far from me, but enable me tew keep up appearances, if i hav tew cheat a little tew do it. 442Abuv all things with modesty shower me. Yea! make me all dripping wet, but don’t let me looze a good chance mi nu koat tew spread before the eyes ov men filled with envy. Make me at all times ov the poor heathen thoughtful, at church not forgetting the platter tew annoint with a 10 cent plaster. Remove from me all gra hares, and pimples, all bunyons, and korns pestiverous, and grant that mi calfs may still fatten on saw durst, and mi cheeks feed upon plumpers, and mi harte ever buble and bile over with mersy. Teach me mi kane tew whirl so pekuliar, and my mustash tew twist into such long draun out sweetness that all the people shall kall me “Yung Purity.” Smile thou! upon all hatters and barbers, all shirt-makers and gloviers, all perfumers and dentists, all wash-wimmin and shu blaks, and forgiv them the dets i may owe them, and kauze me tew weep over man and hiz menny misfortins. Bless all maids ov estate, all widdo’s with munny, all mothers ov fashion with dauters tew marry, all good matches laying around loose, but chiefly giv me a conshience full ov aroma. Lengthen out, kind Fortune, the days ov mi unkle, but should he slip away sudden, bow me down with sorrow bekuming. Listen! dear Fortune, listen!—giv me the style ov heart breaking Adonis, let the virtews all seek mi acquaintanse, and feed with nu fires exquisit the soltaire that burns on mi buzzum. I will raize thee an alter, kind Fortune, an alter az hi az a lamp post, if theze mi prayers are answered—farewell for the present—don’t go back on Beau Bennett, the butiful!! |
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