“And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.”

“But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.”

“Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident. I kind of feel in between now.”

“Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.”

“Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.”

“I can't believe how much time has passed. The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage.”

“I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.”

“I do love the idea of ritual.”

“I do love the idea of ritual. I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.”

“I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.”

“I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.”

“I had a lot of depression as a kid.”

“I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.”

“I have no religion, but I can't escape being extremely Jewish ethnically - that is, culturally. In other words, I'm not religious, but I worry and I'm neurotic. And I'm very good with money.”

“I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. I'm often on the run. I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.”

“I just think of myself as a comedian, really. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.”

“I like my life alone.”

“I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.”

“I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, 'Yeah! That's how it's done!' But for me it's the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.”

“I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.”

“I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.”

“I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.”

“I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.”

“I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.”

“I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show.”

“I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.”

“I tend to be more arrogant on stage. Far more ignorant. I sometimes say what I think and sometimes say the opposite of what I think and the lines get blurred, but I can only hope that some kind of absolute power transcends.”

“I think I've been called edgy - but in all honesty, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot. Unless you're just listening to buzz words and not taking into account the context of the situation, you see I'm always the ignoramus.”

“I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.”

“I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.”

“I'd love to do drama if it was interesting.”

“If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.”

“I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.”

“I'm always writing; I'm always jotting things down on paper or making notes in my iPhone. Then I'll make myself sit down and kind of shape it up, but there's really no other way to practice other than onstage.”

“I'm doing a lot of stand-up, but not like when you're living in New York and you can do three sets a night and it's your life, and you sleep all day and you wake up and you eat with a bunch of other comics and then get ready for the night.”

“In terms of television and movies, I've been really interested in seeing the partnership of comedy and beauty and heart. I think they can go together really well and really thoughtfully. But, I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.”

“It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head.”

“It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.”

“Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.”

“Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.”

“My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.”

“My growing up years, we watched 'Happy Days,' every night. I don't know what was reruns and what was new.”

“Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.”

“Smells definitely do have a crazy impact on me.”

“Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.”

“They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.”

“Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I'm white; I didn't grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I'm a member of the world.”

“Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.”

“When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.”

“You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.”

“You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.”

“You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.”