“A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.”

“A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.”

“But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.”

“Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.”

“Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.”

“Have I gone too far?”

“I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.”

“I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.”

“I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.”

“I am in love with Larry David.”

“I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.”

“I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.”

“I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.”

“I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.”

“I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.”

“I have no limits, no filter, no class, no poise. No decorum. Just fun.”

“I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.”

“I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.”

“I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.”

“I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.”

“I love to work. I love doing standup.”

“I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.”

“I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.”

“If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.”

“I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.”

“I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.”

“I'm basically always on tour.”

“I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.”

“I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.”

“I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable.”

“It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.”

“It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.”

“My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.”

“My act is based on my life.”

“My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.”

“No, I love Montreal... I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me... I love the food there.”

“Oh, I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly. But that's just part of the deal. I'm not really sure what's going to come out of my mouth.”

“Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.”

“Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.”

“So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.”

“So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.”

“That's life when you're on the D-list.”

“That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it.”

“The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.”

“The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behaviour. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behaviour and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.”

“The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.”

“The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.”

“Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.”

“Well, Jon Hamm isn't a real celebrity.”

“Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.”

“Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.”

“When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.”