“A laugh is a terrible weapon.”

“Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.”

“Hmmm... I never get the answer I think I'm going to get.”

“I only use my sick days for hang-overs and soap opera weddings.”

“If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.”

“If somebody on this team actually gets to first base, I'll stand there naked.”

“It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.”

“My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.”