“Always be prepared if someone asks you what you want for Christmas. Give brand names, the store that sells the merchandise, and, if possible, exact model numbers so they can't go wrong. Be the type who's impossible to buy for, so they have to get what you want.”

“Being a traditionalist, I'm a rabid sucker for Christmas. In July, I'm already worried that there are only 146 shopping days left.”

“I also hate those holidays that fall on a Monday where you don't get mail, those fake holidays like Columbus Day. What did Christopher Columbus do, discover America? If he hadn't, somebody else would have and we'd still be here. Big deal.”

“I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.”

“I wish something on T.V. would trouble me. Then maybe I would watch it.”

“I'd love to sell out completely. It's just that nobody has been willing to buy.”

“I'm thrilled to have a completely new audience that I can get from Court TV, without it being my own trial. That was the only other way I would have gotten it.”

“Isn't that the most perverse thing you've ever heard?”

“Without obsession, life is nothing.”