“A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.”

“As a woman of a certain age - and really, ever since I hit puberty and my baby-making parts were suddenly subject to public debate - I've been told over and over again that I will 'change my mind' about not wanting kids.”

“At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.”

“By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.”

“Childfree women are actually great assets to the planet. Our carbon footprint is smaller than a mom's! And we have enough money to write checks to organizations that help kids get vaccinations, vitamins, and educations yet have plenty of free time to advise your daughter that one day she will regret piercing her lip.”

“Couples without kids have each other, their friends, families, and Siri to talk to. It's not like they're quarantining themselves in an underground bunker, never to take a romantic stroll on the beach or attend a Morrissey concert ever again. They're just using birth control.”

“Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.”

“Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.”

“Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!”

“I actually like, love, and respect myself, and I try not to take anything too seriously.”

“I have memories of my grandfather Kirkman making mashed potatoes that were so good because they tasted like a bowl of butter. I love my mom's brownies. My favorite thing about both of those recipes is that someone else made them for me.”

“I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.”

“I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.”

“I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.”

“I'm not a big fan of young people.”

“I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.”

“Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.”

“Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.”

“Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.”

“People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.”

“Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.”

“The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.”

“There are a lot of things I might be good at, such as competitive figure skating, window washing from ten stories up, and being an open heart surgeon. I might also make an excellent Kamikaze pilot - except for the fact that I don't want to learn how to fly and have no interest in taking my own life on behalf of Japan.”

“Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.”

“We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'”

“What they call 'alt-comedy' now is basically what comedy was like in the '80s. People tried different things, and everybody went to the clubs; there was no other place. Then somehow, the clubs became infiltrated by Dice Clay and Carrot Top types.”