“But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.”

“Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.”

“I hate golf. I do not understand how anyone can enjoy it, much less love it.”

“I never minded George Steinbrenner spending obscene amounts of money to put the best product on the field.”

“I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.”

“I think I made a mistake once... yeah... it was only once.”

“I was the youngest kid on my street, the youngest comic in the clubs. I always felt like I was playing catch-up. I was very angry.”

“I wasn't the guy everyone liked. I was the guy that wouldn't shut up.”

“I wonder why there is a designated hitter in baseball after all these years? As an experiment, it seemed like a swell enough idea, but you would think the novelty would have worn off by now and everyone would get back to playing baseball.”

“If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.”

“If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.”

“I'm oddly not competitive. What I love about show business is there is a home for everyone.”

“Marc Maron's podcast success has nothing to do with my podcast success. If I do a quarter of a million downloads, I can show that to an advertiser as a fact, and that's that.”

“Not everyone likes sports. Gandhi and Malcolm X come to mind.”

“True Yankees are born, not made.”

“Unfortunately, there are no mulligans when it comes to pro football contracts.”

“When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.”

“Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?”

“You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.”