“A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.”

“After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.”

“At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?”

“I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.”

“I model irregular clothing.”

“I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.”

“I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.”

“I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.”

“I saw a stationery store move.”

“I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.”

“I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.”

“I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.”

“I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.”

“I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.”

“I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.”

“I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?”

“I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.”

“I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.”

“I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.”

“It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.”

“My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.”

“My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.”

“My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.”

“My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.”

“They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.”

“You know what burns me? Matches.”