“Doing the show was like painting the George Washington Bridge. As soon as you finished one end, you started right in on the other.”

“I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off.”

“Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.”

“Looking back, my life seems like one long obstacle race, with me as the chief obstacle.”

“One gets the impression that this is how Ernest Hemingway would have written had he gone to Vassar.”

“Poor people have more fun than rich people, they say; and I notice it's the rich people who keep saying it.”

“Statistics show that many people watch our show from the bedroom. and people you ask into your bedroom have to be more interesting than those you ask into your living room. I kid you not!”