“A lot of comedians are selfish.”

“Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.”

“I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.”

“I believe, even when I'm doing my standup or my acting or whatever I'm doing, I believe in painting pictures.”

“I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.”

“I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.”

“I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.”

“I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.”

“I have to satisfy my audience.”

“I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.”

“I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.”

“I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.”

“I should be European, man. I'm long and lean. I'd look good in a trench coat.”

“I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers, man. They all call me The Thief.”

“I tell people all the time, as I was going through my process of being a comedian or being an actor and a writer at 'SNL,' I tell people that everything you do is all a piece of your puzzle to determine where you're going to end up at.”

“I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.”

“I was the hallway clown in high school.”

“I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.”

“I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.”

“I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things: you can't leave the bathroom door open... you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.”

“I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.”

“I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.”

“I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.”

“I'm, like, everybody's friend. I'm one of those dudes. I can be friends with anybody. Any race of person, any personality, I can kind of deal with them. I accept different types of people.”

“I'm on my version of the protein diet, but there ain't no protein in it. It's a Krispy Kreme doughnut between two Cinnabons. And you soak it overnight in Red Bull. Then you chase it with a Snickers.”

“I'm sure back in the Greek days or the Roman Empire days, when guys fought in arenas and were fighting lions, people were talking smack. Every era in history has someone talking smack. No way you can have talent and not proclaim your victory.”

“I'm trying to be the Jay-Z of comedy one day. I don't know if there's any comedy moguls out there, but I would love to be the first comedy mogul.”

“It's an ongoing joke that a black man is always the first one to get killed in movies.”

“It's great when a director like Cameron Crowe can take what you do and fit it into what he's doing. If someone's a fan of you already, they can take what you do and make it work for what they're doing. You don't know their vision, and you're thinking, 'How is this guy going to take what I do and make it work in this movie?'”

“I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.”

“I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.”

“Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids, and I can get into the mind of a kid. In my brain, I consider myself the ultimate video game player. The ultimate snack maker.”

“My life is gardening, cleaning around the house and power washing.”

“My wife is a vegetarian. When my wife is with me, I eat vegetarian. When she's not, I eat meat. I'm just being honest.”

“Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.”

“Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.”

“Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?”

“Some of the best dramatic actors have started in comedy.”

“Sometimes you can make friends, and sometimes you can take friends. Sometimes people want to be friends with you, and you gotta be like, 'Okay, I can deal with this person's personality and be their friend, but not necessarily do I have to change who I am. I'm not gonna change myself to be their friend.'”

“'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.”

“To be a true comic, you have to have a signature move. You ever watch wrestling? And your favorite wrestler has the one move that he always does to finish his opponent off, right? Like when he climbs on the rope, and he always jumps off the top rope and finishes off his opponent - that's what a comic has.”

“True Yankees fans know an up-and-coming player when they see one.”

“When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'”

“When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.”

“When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.”

“Women put guys through tests all the time.”

“You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.”

“You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.”

“You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.”

“You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.”

“You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.”

“You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?”