“A man's face is not a rich person's lawn; you are wasting resources if you devote that much energy to trimming your beard, sideburns, or mustache just so. Nor is a man's face the woods; there need not be the tangled weeds, shrubbery, and wildlife/eggs benedict that get ensnared in them.”

“Growing up, I had one very specific idea of what a wedding should be, and that was the wedding of Fraulein Maria and Captain von Trapp in 'The Sound of Music.'”

“I can't do impressions.”

“I guess it's easier to think badly and then be pleasantly surprised.”

“I joined an improv comedy group. Ours was named 'Quick Fire!' with an exclamation point. It was when I auditioned for that team and got on it and felt like... I'll just say I felt like I was good at it.”

“I loved 'Freaks and Geeks.' I don't know a better show.”

“I need to make sure that when I'm running out to the drugstore I'm not wearing a Biore strip or something. Not that I expect anyone to recognize me, but on the off chance they do, I just don't want to embarrass myself.”

“I think I get certain pleasure from writing what I'm performing.”

“I want to be a morning-talk-show host. I love Kelly Ripa's job. She gets to live in New York and has this amazing job hosting a talk show.”

“I wrote comedy sketches in college.”

“If you're going to plan a wedding, then a certain amount of suffering is not a choice.”

“I'm a little disappointed in myself because before getting pregnant, I resolved to do all these things during my pregnancy to nurse a healthy pregnancy. And so I'm finding in these final weeks that I didn't do any of them.”

“Improv is mostly what I've studied.”

“In Los Angeles, people dress with the deep and earnest hope that people will do nothing but stare at them.”

“In the back of my head, I always thought it would be great to become an actress on a sitcom.”

“It's interesting because with a lot of people who I've met in comedy, it seems not to matter what your background is. In terms of formal schooling - I feel like that's a nineteenth century term - but in terms of where you went to high school or college, or wherever, all that really is irrelevant, I have found, in comedy.”

“I've never had prejudice against me because of being a woman in comedy, I've never felt any sort of unfairness because of that - but I do think it is naive to think that it doesn't exist.”

“Los Angeles survives on that which is unpredictable. The unexpected courses through its very veins.”

“Men, who certainly possess not only the savvy but also the know-how to be funny, for some reason, are just not. I began to notice this at a pretty young age, and unfortunately, a lifetime of living - and not a little bit of regret - hasn't done much to convince me otherwise.”

“Most New Yorkers want to look amazing, and they want you to understand that they look amazing, but they also want you to stop staring at them.”

“My painting teacher in high school used to say, 'I can't paint like I want to, but through practice I'll get better.' But I don't think that's true. I think sometimes you just can't paint.”

“New York is like the weirdest city in the United States, in a great way, and Los Angeles is probably more similar to most of America.”

“One nice thing that I have discovered about Los Angeles is the enthusiasm with which people dress.”

“There are some extremely acceptable male comedians out there: Joel Osteen, Abraham Lincoln, the man who played Phil Spector in HBO's 'Phil Spector.' But even those guys, while insightful and amusing, aren't exactly funny.”

“When you start feeling the baby kick, you realize there's a person inside, and that pregnancy is very different from having a person you're responsible for for the rest of your life. I don't know what I'm doing, but then I have to remind myself no parent does, right?”

“Yes, some women are funny. No, some women aren't funny. It's similar to how some women are tall and, you know, some women are short.”