“A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.”

“As fighting in Iraq intensifies, President Bush delivered his supplemental war budget to Congress. The money will cover 30 days of fighting, then we'll be sent one war every other month until we cancel our subscription.”

“Broadcasting was something, I don't want to say it came easy, but it's something I'm comfortable doing.”

“CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new.”

“Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'”

“Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.”

“However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be.”

“I enjoyed retirement the right way... linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.”

“I have a wonderful respect for old people.”

“I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons.”

“I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle.”

“I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.”

“I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 - the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos.”

“I'm going to miss my best friends - my cameras.”

“In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.”

“It's fun being creative and that's satisfying.”

“John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'”

“My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'”

“New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.”

“People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.”

“People who go into show business are screwed up.”

“President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.”

“Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.”

“The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.'”

“The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.”

“They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger.”