“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'”

“According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.”

“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”

“Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.”

“CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'”

“During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.”

“Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.”

“Fish recognize a bad leader.”

“I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be.”

“If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.”

“In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.”

“In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.”

“In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.”

“It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy.”

“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.”

“People should say 'no comment' more often. No comment! I love no comment. Let's have more no comment.”

“President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.”

“Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.”

“Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.”

“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'”

“The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality.”

“There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.”

“This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.”

“When all else fails there's always delusion.”

“Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.”

“Your path at 22 will not necessarily be your path at 32 or 42.”