“Anyone who's married to Mariah Carey - I'm pretty sure - doesn't have a great sense of humor. I mean, let's be honest: she's ridiculous. What is her game plan?”

“As the youngest of six kids, I grew up spending summers on Martha's Vineyard, and I was always topless. All the pictures are of me in jean shorts, no shirt - with my brothers, playing football.”

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are ridiculous-looking - especially her. They're so strange and charismatic and weird. It's pretty hard to take your eyes off them.”

“Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.'”

“Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life.”

“E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.”

“Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.”

“Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.”

“Every time I had a book come out, I'm like, 'Is it going to be number one?'”

“Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?'”

“Have you ever been sued by a midget? It's not fun.”

“I cannot be Mary Hart - or even worse, Samantha Harris - and stand there with my hip out talking about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes taking Suri to an art museum without making fun of it.”

“I definitely don't want to have kids. I don't think I'd be a great mother. I don't want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don't have the time to raise a child.”

“I didn't become a comedian to work this hard.”

“I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal.”

“I don't have a lot of shame. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about the way someone reacts to me or about something I read about myself online. But I don't have a lot of guilt, no. I've always been this way. I'm missing a chip.”

“I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.”

“I don't pretend to be a great interviewer; I don't even pretend to be good at my job.”

“I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.”

“I encourage interoffice romance.”

“I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.”

“I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.”

“I have severe ADD, and I'm constantly looking to amuse myself.”

“I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.”

“I like the minute when I can get off the stage and go home, and I know I've done a good job.”

“I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.”

“I like to have a home for people just to have a lot of fun.”

“I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.”

“I love Sandra Bullock. I think everybody loves her.”

“I never considered myself a supermodel or anything like that. I mean, I don't think I'm ugly. I have good days and bad days, and I like when I'm fit and lean and all of those things that any woman likes, but it's not the eye of the hurricane for me.”

“I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me USD20 on USD600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job.”

“I remember having a conversation with my sister, saying, 'What if I don't make it? What if I'm still waiting tables when I'm 35?' I was just at the end of my rope. But I've been at the end of that rope several times.”

“I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.”

“I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.”

“I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it?”

“I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate.”

“I think pregnancy is a huge responsibility.”

“I think you do need two terms as a president.”

“I thought I'd become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”

“I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.”

“I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.”

“I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities.”

“I want to educate people and deliver news that isn't just surrounded by Charlie Sheen. I'd like to be able to do the serious stuff in conjunction with the comedy.”

“I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me.”

“I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.”

“I was the youngest of six kids, and my brothers and sisters were kind of a lot older than me. And the one sister that was, like, in a close age range - she was five years older than me. She was my closest sister in age, and she was a loser.”

“I was tortured, and probably half of it was deserved, but I was bullied - so much so that there were days when I was like, 'I can't go to school today.' I was too scared.”

“If you talk about Lindsay Lohan for four or five days a week, you really can't bear to talk about her on the weekends.”

“If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't.”

“If you're really looking to hurt somebody's feelings, just break up with them.”

“I'm a devilish kind of person, but I embrace it. I don't try to fight it. It's proven very well for me.”

“I'm a standup comedian, so I need people.”

“I'm actually a big fan of Kathy Griffin because I think she's really funny. I think she's really self-deprecating, which is something I like to see in a comedian. I think those are really the best comedians: people who can make fun of themselves.”

“I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.”

“I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.”

“I'm not superstitious at all. I'm not a Russian.”

“I'm not trying to be a role model to kids, because I don't have any children, but I do think everyone should have a free spirit.”

“I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.”

“I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.”

“In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.”

“It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.”

“It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.”

“It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.”

“I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.”

“I've always had a big personality. I was trickier as a kid. I behaved erratically instead of consistently. I would have tons of friends, and then I would have no friends. I'd be with the cool girls, then the uncool girls. I migrated from group to group because I was bored or people got bored with me. I was very intense.”

“I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.”

“Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.”

“Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.”

“MTV is known for their huge budget.”

“My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.”

“My standup is observational, but it's self-observational, and it's self-deprecating, definitely.”

“Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters.”

“Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.”

“Once you've achieved success, and you're making decisions that are working, I don't understand why anyone would be second-guessing themselves.”

“People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?”

“People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50.”

“Personally, I'd have a baby just for the epidural.”

“Seeing your parents fall apart is really rough. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.”

“Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.”

“Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!”

“Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.”

“Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.”

“That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.”

“The challenge is to keep it fresh. If you're talking about Britney Spears over and over, it's very hard to keep that interesting.”

“The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.”

“The next step for me is not 'The Tonight Show.' That's a job for Jimmy Fallon. I'm way too divisive for a show like that.”

“The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.”

“There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.”

“There are times I felt insecure or not sure: I'm unsure of myself, or I get nervous, but nerves are good. I try and embrace all those things. I try and embrace the times where I'm not sure of myself or I'm like, 'Is this going to work? Is this going to land?'”

“There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'”

“There's a difference between racism and people making a joke about something. There is true racism going on, and people should be able to identify what that is, comparatively.”

“There's a lot of pretty funny women out there.”

“There's only so much you can say about celebrity, obviously.”

“There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'”

“TMZ is so disgusting.”

“We women have to stick together.”

“We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?”

“When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.”

“Who would marry me anyway? I'm a handful.”

“You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them.”

“You can't fast-forward heartbreak, and you can't rewind love - and that's just one big bummer.”

“You can't have friendships that aren't based on realness.”

“You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.”

“You look at, like, a 'People' magazine, which used to be a really good, you know, nice magazine you could go to for real stories. It wasn't like a 'Star' or an 'US Weekly' and they have somebody with plastic surgery on the cover, Heidi Montag. And it's obviously what consumers want, because why else would they be doing it?”