“A writer's job is to tell the truth.”

“All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.”

“As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.”

“Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.”

“Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.”

“Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.”

“I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.”

“I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.”

“I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?”

“I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.”

“I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.”

“If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”

“If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.”

“It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.”

“Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.”

“Nothing in fine print is ever good news.”

“Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.”

“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.”

“People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.”

“Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.”

“The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.”

“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”

“The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.”

“We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.”

“We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.”

“Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie?”