The frequent delivery of his elaborate speech, before an audience of feathered bipeds and amphibious quadrupeds, had fully prepared M. T. Pate for the day of trial. On the morning of that eventful day he was seen seated in court with a grave aspect, which indicated that he sensibly felt the weight of the tremendous responsibility which rested upon him.

The prisoner was put in the dock, when the Commonwealth's attorney and Mr. Pate announced themselves ready for trial, and were each furnished with a list of the jurors in attendance. The offense charged in the indictment being felony, the prisoner was entitled to twenty peremptory challenges. In exercising this important privilege, Mr. Pate displayed his great knowledge of human nature acquired by a thorough study of phrenology. He scrutinized closely the head of each juror as he was called to the book, and when the organ of benevolence appeared to be diminutive, he cried out, with a loud voice, "Challenge!" But if that merciful organ was largely developed, he eagerly exclaimed, "Swear him! swear him!" putting a strong emphasis on the word "him."

A jury having been impaneled, after a brief statement of the case by the Commonwealth's attorney, the Widow Wild was put upon the stand and proved property as alleged in the indictment. Pate put her under a cross-examination, and asked,—

"Madam, what was the sex or gender of your hog?"

The widow hesitated and looked at the judge, who told her to answer the question.

"It was a gentleman hog," said she.

"How do you know it was a gentleman hog?" asked Pate.

"I know it just as well as I know that you are not a gentleman hog," said the widow, tartly.

"You may take your seat," said the lawyer.

"Thank you, sir," said the widow. And with a toss of her head, and a fiery look of indignation at the attorney, she glided to a seat in the corner of the room, where she announced to the Professor her intention to repay Pate for his impudence.

Simon Rump was now sworn, and testified to the facts already stated in the preceding chapter, and which appeared to be conclusive proof of the guilt of the accused. But Pate was not discouraged. He put Rump under a rigorous cross-examination, and asked him if he was not subjected to psychological illusions. The opposite counsel interposed an objection to this question, and the court inquired of Mr. Pate his object in asking it.

"May it please your Honor," said Pate, "I expect to show that this man Rump is one of those unfortunate individuals who are continually subjected to psychological illusions. This class are quite numerous, and not long ago I heard one of them say that he had seen a heavy piano get up of its own accord and dance on nothing, half-way between the ceiling and the floor, all the while playing a tune, and keeping time with its feet to its own music.

"Another man told me that he had seen a certain doctor walk on the air, and pass out at one window in the third story of a house and come in at the other. And it is said that this Simon Rump alleges that he once saw a white ghost, in a clump of willows, in the rear of his barn. Now, learned men inform us that these objects have no real existence, but are simply projections from the disordered brain of the person who imagines that he sees them. May it please your Honor, it is not at all unlikely that Sam and the hog were nothing more than projections from the disordered brain of Simon Rump. If a man's brain can project a heavy piano and cause it to dance a jig on the air, could not Rump's brain project a big negro with a whole hog on his shoulder?"

In anticipation of this testimony, Pate had carefully prepared his argument at home and had committed it to memory.

He now succeeded in carrying his point, the court deciding that, upon general principles, there was nothing to preclude the prisoner's counsel from proving, if he could so do, that Rump's brain was in such a disordered condition as to render his testimony unreliable. So the question was put to Rump, who said that he had walked at all hours of the night, and had never seen a psychological illusion; that he had never "heard tell of them" before, and did not know what they were. After much badgering, however, he admitted that he had seen something behind his barn, which, to the best of his knowledge and belief, was a ghost. Having been worried until he had made this admission, poor Rump was finally dismissed from the stand.

The testimony of the State was here closed.

The court now inquired of Mr. Pate if he had any witnesses to examine on the part of the defense.

"Yes, may it please your Honor," was the reply, "we have one very important witness. Call Professor Joseph Boneskull."

Thereupon the crier called, in a loud voice, "Professor Joseph Boneskull! Professor Joseph Boneskull!"

Immediately a bald-headed little man, about five feet two inches in stature, walked up to the witness-stand, carrying in his hand a phrenological plaster cast of a human head. All eyes opened in amazement and looked with wonder, first at the head on the little man's shoulders, and then at the head in his hand.

This strange witness, who seemed to come on the stand under the impression that two heads were better than one, was sworn by the clerk in the usual form, when Mr. Pate asked,—

"What is your profession, trade, occupation, or calling?"

"My profession," said the witness, "is one of which all sensible men might be proud. I am a phrenologist. I tell the diversified mental and moral characteristics of men, women, and children, whether they be white or whether they be black, by a manipulatory examination of the superficial, distinctive developments of their respective craniums, vulgarly denominated skulls."

"Have you, or have you not, made, very recently, a critical examination of the cranium of the prisoner at the bar?"

"I answer, most unequivocally, I have."

"Can you inform the jury what are the respective developments of the prisoner's organs of alimentiveness, acquisitiveness, and conscientiousness?"

Here the opposite counsel rose and objected to the question; saying that the introduction of such testimony was wholly unwarranted by any of the established rules of evidence.

After an argument of some length, the court decided that the testimony in relation to the phrenological developments of Sam was inadmissible. Thereupon Professor Boneskull retired from the stand, carrying both heads with him as he went.

"Mr. Pate, have you any further testimony to offer?" inquired the court.

"None whatever," was the mournful response.

"Then, gentlemen, go before the jury," said the judge.

The remarks of the Commonwealth's attorney, which were very brief, are not remembered; but a portion of Mr. Pate's great argument has been retained in the memory of men in a fine state of preservation. He spoke as follows:

"May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury,—No advocate ever rose to address a Christian jury under so many and such tremendous disadvantages as now encompass me and my unfortunate but innocent and virtuous client. The prisoner is unjustly and falsely accused of stealing the Widow Wild's hog; and that ruthless woman is here to-day with a heart of flint in her bosom, and with all the influence which the wealth she has grasped and retained with the harpy hand of avarice enables her to exert,—she is here to-day not to prosecute, but to persecute, to calumniate, to crush, and to ruin this poor, unfriended, innocent, and unoffending African.

"There is another disadvantage under which my client labors. In the language of a great Roman poet, hic est niger, and while men of the Caucasian race are tried by their peers, that sacred right is withheld from Sam, simply because he is an African, although it is possible, and even probable, that he has royal blood in his veins as one of the descendants of the heroic kings of Timbuctoo. Has not Sam the right to be tried by his peers? and who in that jury-box can be considered as the peer of Sam?

"Gentlemen of the jury, I am aware of the tremendous peril which now environs my client; and I know that my zeal in behalf of this unhappy criminal has made me many enemies; but, in the eloquent language of that venerable patriot and signer of our glorious Declaration of Independence, old John Adams, 'Sink or swim, live or die, survive or perish,' I give my heart and my voice in defense of Sam.

"Did not the great Cicero defy public opinion when he stood before Pompey in defense of Milo, who had been indicted for the murder of the unprincipled Clodius? Did not the celebrated William H. Seward brave public prejudice when he boldly defended the negro Freeman, who had murdered six or seven white men and women in a single night? And shall I hesitate to risk my popularity by defending this innocent African who has stolen the Widow Wild's hog?

"Gentlemen, may my right hand wither, and my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth, when I am afraid to lift my voice to advocate the cause of my innocent and calumniated client.

"Gentlemen, Luther Martin was one of the greatest lawyers in America, and did he not say, in his celebrated speech in defense of Aaron Burr, that 'the law presumes every man to be innocent until he is proved to be guilty?' And where is the proof of guilt in this case? Do they expect you to believe the testimony of Simon Rump? Who is Simon Rump? A miserable and deluded man, who sees a thousand things which never had any existence except in his disordered imagination. Rump swore on that stand that he had never seen a psychological illusion.

"Gentlemen, I watched his countenance when he made that statement under oath, and I observed his lip quiver and his cheek turn pale, for Simon Rump knew that he was swearing to an unmitigated falsehood. Did he not on a recent occasion mistake a hickory stick for a snake? and afterwards use it as a telescope, and said that he beheld the capitol at Washington? Did he not publicly kiss the Widow Wild's black cook on both cheeks, believing her to be a beautiful young lady of Caucasian complexion? Why, gentlemen, Rump's disordered brain is a perfect machine-shop for the manufacture of psychological illusions, which are projected as he walks abroad during the day, or sits in the chimney corner smoking his pipe in the evening. The brain of this unhappy man projected a hobgoblin as he wandered about in the dark in the rear of his barn; and could it not just as easily have projected a hog? Why, gentlemen, the disordered brain of Simon Rump is capable of projecting an elephant or a rhinoceros! And could it not, then, have projected the pitiful porker which he alleged he saw in the possession of Sam?

"Gentlemen of the jury, Simon Rump never saw either Sam or the hog on the occasion referred to in his testimony; he only saw a phantom created by his diseased mental organization; and when this miserable man reproduces the illusive images projected from his disordered cranium, for the purpose of convicting my unfortunate client, each one of you should exclaim, in the language of the immortal William Shakspeare:

"Gentlemen of the jury, had this honorable court permitted me to examine the learned Professor Boneskull, I could have easily proved by him that the guilt of Sam is a natural impossibility. This was the very Gibraltar of our defense, and it has been partially demolished by the court. But, gentlemen, although you have not the testimony of Professor Boneskull before you, the prisoner himself is seated in full view, and you can certainly rely upon the evidence of your own senses, which, according to Greenleaf, affords the strongest kind of proof. I entreat you to look upon the goodly countenance of my client and to scrutinize closely his phrenological developments. The organ of alimentiveness is remarkably diminutive. Is it not, then, a natural impossibility that Sam should have so enormous an appetite that he would seek to devour a whole hog? His organ of acquisitiveness is still smaller, and he could not covet nor desire another man's property; while his immense development of conscientiousness renders it impossible for him to steal.

"Gentlemen, the bumps clearly demonstrate that the guilt of the prisoner is a natural impossibility. Nature herself cries aloud that he is innocent. Sam—Sam—I say—Sam!" Here Mr. Pate commenced pulling vigorously at the drawer in the table before him, while Sam, who was dozing in the prisoners' dock, suddenly started up and exclaimed, in a loud voice, "Sir!"—at which the bailiffs called out, "Silence! Silence!" and the judge rapped with his gavel.

Bad luck had been watching the eloquent advocate from the moment he commenced his argument, and the ugly demon now pounced upon him as he stood, in anticipation of his triumph, on the ramparts of his Gibraltar. His oration had been written on half-sheets of paper, which, with two law-books, he had put in a drawer of the table, intending to take out a few sheets at a time in the order in which he might want to use them. When the speaker had concluded the last sentence as above, he put his hand to the drawer to get the next sheet of manuscript for the purpose of refreshing his memory; but how great was his horror on finding the drawer closed in such manner that he could not open it! By some awkward arrangement of the books one of them had opened, and was acting as a lock to prevent the drawer from being pulled out.

Mr. Pate pulled vigorously at the drawer, but in vain; at the same time repeating, in hysterical tones, the words, "Gentlemen of the jury,"—"Gentlemen of the jury." He was then heard to exclaim, in a sort of soliloquy, "Gracious heavens! Sam will be sent to the penitentiary unless I can get that drawer open!" Here he gave another tremendous tug at the drawer, and saying, "Gentlemen of the jury,"—"Gentlemen of the jury,"—"A natural impossibility!" sank back in his seat with his face bathed in a profuse perspiration.

The attention of the jury and spectators was attracted by the strange conduct of the speaker, and a general peal of laughter broke forth as soon as they perceived his awkward dilemma. These demonstrations of mirth, which the court could not wholly repress, so increased the agitation of poor Pate, that he sprang up and rushed from the court-room like a man on a wild hunt after his wits.

"He has suddenly seen a psychological illusion," said a pitiless limb of the law in a loud whisper.

"No," said Toney Belton, "he has gone for a locksmith to open the drawer, and will soon return and conclude his argument."

But the eloquent advocate never came back to conclude his powerful appeal in behalf of Sam, who was convicted by the jury and sentenced by the court to confinement in the penitentiary for the term of two years and six months.