  A WORD TO THE WITTY AND THE WISE. Wit led the way—with sportive jest, Messieurs the Punsters, I may with great propriety contend, that under such merry designation, I am addressing a very large portion of the British public. If, beneath your patronage, this little work should prove as For mine own whims, scattered here and there through the work, they will, I have no doubt, be easily discovered, by their very humble pretensions to any right of admission into the phalanx of great names in whose company they are now associated. BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, THE FRONTISPIECE. Portrait of his Majesty George the Fourth. DRAWN FROM THE LIFE BY WAGEMAN, AND ENGRAVED BY WOLNOTH. Explanation of the Emblematic Border to the Portrait of the King, containing an Epitome of British Sovereignty. The Genius of Ancient Britain is represented by a Druidical head encircled by a wreath of oak; the face is partly hidden behind the blazonry of modern achievement. The head, supported by the Roman eagle and the Saxon horse, is inclosed in the involutions of the scroll which proceeds from it, and which next embraces the devouring eagle of Scandinavia, and the warlike lion of Normandy. Following these are emblems of the contests of the houses of York and WHOM GOD PRESERVE. Blank Page PROLEGOMENA ON PUNNING. RESPECTFULLY ADDRESSED TO PUNSTERS IN GENERAL. LITERARY FIREWORKS. What are Puns, and Jests, and Quirks? It will doubtless be the opinion of many a reader that a Prefatory Essay on such a subject as Punning can possess little of interest, and nothing of novelty. I would, however, request any one entertaining this idea to suspend his judgment till he has given the matter ampler consideration. In addressing these preliminary remarks to punsters in general, I think I have taken effectual means to render them of universal interest. When a certain author, who had dedicated one of his volumes "to those who think," was charged with want of judgment in catering for such a limited number of individuals, he justified his discernment by observing, that, however little numerous the body of thinking people might be, every reader would at least rank himself in that class. Our question can stand on much broader ground; for we assert, without fear of contradiction, that of the many judicious persons who, without doubt, will peruse and patronise these pages, not one will be found who is not only, se judice, a punster, but who has not, probably "many a time and oft," exhibited among his boon companions whatever portion of talent he may possess in that line of wit. It has been asked by a well-known writer, "Did any man of liberal education ever go through his teens without perpetrating the crime of making verses?" I am contented to wave the narrow distinction, by which uneducated persons would be excepted, and, with respect to the nobler and far more generally diffused art of punning, would inquire, Does any one, whatever be his rank or attainments, reach his twentieth year, with Still, as it frequently happens that what is most generally practised, is far from being best understood, so is it with punning. It has been too much the case to treat it with levity and inconsiderateness; to regard it as mere trifling; to view it at best as a feeble missile from the armoury of wit, only adapted for the "puny (query punny?) whipster," and which those who are qualified to wield more va "Punica se quantis attollet gloria rebus!" and may perceive, that it is not only venerable from its antiquity, and supported by the authority of persons of taste and learning, who have invariably cultivated it, but is likewise highly beneficial to the bodily health, moral feeling, and intellectual improvement of the community. With respect to its antiquity, we find it treated of by the most eminent writers upon rhetoric among the ancients, who not only class it among the beauties of language, but have stamped it with the dignity of a distinct figure of speech, assigning to it an appropriate name. I make no observations upon the injudicious attempts of some modern commentators to ally it to the paranomasia, it being evidently the antanaclasis of the rhetoricians. The great Aristotle (Rhet. ch. 11.) enumerates two or three different species of pa?a??aata, the name "Quis negat ÆneÆ natum de stirpe Neronem? Sustulit hic matrem, Sustulit ille patrem." I adduce these examples, because Addison, after erroneously defining a pun to be merely "a conceit If the plea of antiquity can thus be justly advanced in favour of punning, the continued adherence of all nations in all periods to the practice, may likewise with reason be urged in its support. Nor are its ramifications of slight importance. It may be considered as the origin of technical terms, most of which, if properly analysed, will prove to be virtual puns or conundrums; as the parent of double entendre of every description; and even as containing the germs of that slang formerly con The number of final letters, which among the French are mere ciphers in pronunciation, has always given them a decided advantage in puns of mere words over every other nation. Their writings and conversation are alike replete with them; but they are almost invariably of that kind alluded to by Addison, which are lost if clothed in any but their native dress. Indeed this is almost a necessary consequence of the very circumstance already alluded to, which ensures them such superior facility in the production of puns. A brace of these I shall present my readers with, both as exhibiting a strong confirmation of what I have above said, and as being of modern date, and, in my opinion, of sterling excellence. The first of these is the reply made by a Parisian wit, to a person who asked him what was the true distinction between a flea and a louse. He answered that they were only disciples of different philosophers: the lice being followers of Epictetus (des pique-tÊles), and the fleas of Epicurus (des piqueurs). The other is an epigram, much talked off at the time of its appearance in the French metropolis, written by some wag, under a Le Gros l'a peint! (le gros lapin!) As I have assumed the privilege in these remarks of being as desultory and digressive as I please, I shall here notice what I term macaroni punning, effected by a fictitious mÉlange of different languages. Sometimes this will arise from the inspection of a single word. Who, for instance, can forbear smiling at the curious orthoepical coincidence by which an accommodating fair one is in Latin designated meretrix? This, however, is the simplest effort of the macaroni class, and far from implying that ingenuity visible in higher flights of the same kind, which are frequently conspicuous "Dic mihi, Damoeta, cujum pecus? an Meliboei?" Curran immediately replied by completing the passage: "Non, verum Ægonis: nuper mihi tradidit Ægon." Probably, however, Swift's impromptu quotation on seeing a Cremona violin swept off a table by a lady's mantua: "Mantua, vÆ! miserÆ nimium vicina CremonÆ," will always stand at the head of puns of this class. I own that I am particularly delighted with a The inmates of universities have usually been remarked for their attachment to punning. The men of Cambridge, in particular, have ever, from their foundation, been distinguished by their excellence as paragrammatists. It surely not a little exalts this noble art, that those who have enjoyed peculiar opportunities of justly appreciating every thing connected both with abstruse and polite literature, should have sedulously cultivated it. And I think I may be allowed to say, in contradiction to the reiterated attempts of prejudice and stupidity to undervalue it, that I never met with a person But it is not only on its high antiquity, its extensive diffusion, or the distinguished authorities that can be adduced in support of it, that the claims of punning are founded. The philosopher who defined man to be t? ???? ?e???, certainly selected the only characteristic besides that of speech, which particularly and exclusively distinguishes man from the brute creation. "'Twas said of old, deny it now who can, Now to the exercise of this high and distinguished prerogative of our nature, what is a more certain stimulant than a pun? If it be good, you laugh at the pun; if bad, at the punster; and in either case, he is almost certain to laugh himself. More But laughter is not only one of the principal faculties which distinguish man from inferior animals; it likewise contributes greatly to the promotion and preservation of health. "Laugh and grow fat," is a very old and a very wise adage. And observe, the fat which thus increaseth the ribs is wholesome, good, firm fat, bearing no resemblance whatever to the adipose envelope of the bloated and corpulent. Those who are clothed with laughter-begotten fat are, moreover, in general, of humour frank and free, cordial, cheerful, and enterprising; as dissimilar to the indolent, arthritic, or the selfish gourmand, as to the cadaverous, saturnine, acetous beings who stalk about like so many skeletons, galvanised into temporary motion, and presenting a memento mori to all they meet. And if such be the genial, the beneficial, effects of laughter, can we laud too highly the In another point of view, too, this art doth not a little contribute to the advancement and improvement of moral feeling. How often have the asperities incident to conversation been instantly softened down by the means of a well-timed pun? How many a rising storm of colloquial debate and controversial wrath has been dispelled by the same salutary agency, when wisdom would have failed to convince, or mediation to conciliate? The able punster has perhaps more frequent opportunities than any other character, of securing the blessing pronounced upon the peace-maker. The pious Dr. Watts, in his Introduction to Logic, has commented on the moral as well as literary evils arising from the number of equivocal and the comparative paucity of univocal words. Now the knowledge of a disease being half its cure, who is so likely to be exempt from the evils arising from the above-mentioned sources as the punster? Every fresh touch of his art may be considered as a discovery of some more of these dangerous equivocals, and indeed his whole life may be regarded as a philanthropic voyage in quest of them, com If wit consists principally, as the first of modern philosophers has affirmed, in the unexpected association of ideas apparently far removed in their nature from each other, punning must, in its very essence, claim to rank in the highest class of wit. And how must the frequent exercise of searching for such associations, and bringing them however recondite to light, sharpen the intellect of the individual engaged in it! We have already adverted to the general practice of this art among the members of our universities; we may likewise observe that the learned body of the law, a body distinguished perhaps beyond any other for their superior shrewdness, and extent of general information, are universally partial to it. The barrister who pleads, and the judge who directs, are alike ambitious to display their excellence in this highly Ohe! jam satis est. Sufficient, we are persuaded, has been said to satisfy all persons of the value and excellence of punning, except indeed the obstinately incredulous; and such, as a just punishment, we would excommunicate for ever from the enjoyment of puns, and the society of punsters. Can we pronounce a severer doom? But as the best of things are the most liable to abuses, so has the cause of punning suffered much from the want of judgment evinced by many of its votaries. Anxious, as far as possible, to contribute to maintaining this noble art in the possession of its well-merited reputation, we venture a few words of caution to some of its professors on the errors too frequently committed by them. Imprimis, a pun, like an epigram, is worth little indeed if the point can be anticipated. Hence proper names, though they have in some few instances been successfully worked upon, are in general bad materials for the punster. The attempt to pun upon Black, White, Green, Brown, Scott, England, and id genus omne, if productive of any For the same reason that we object to proper names, we need scarcely observe that all trite puns are detestable. There are a number of words, such as heart, love, soul, last, grave, and a host of others, that have been fairly worn thread-bare in the service. Let him whose wit is not competent to discover some other sources than these hackneyed ones, be a listener, but by no means a speaker in a circle of punsters. Decies repetita placebit, however just it may be as the criterion of merit in a poem, will never do for a pun, one of whose chief excellencies is novelty,—nay, which often, however rich at the moment of its utterance, will not successfully admit of repetition, even to those who have never before heard it, at another time and under different circumstances. A pun can rarely be considered very good, which involves a difference of orthography. It appears Lastly, let every punster bear in mind, that punning is only the sauce of conversation, and that he who thinks to entertain by introducing it continually into his discourse, resembles a man who should present me with a dish of Cayenne pepper alone by way of a meal. It may likewise be observed, that what is usually called an inveterate, is never a good punster. The constant desire of display, by accustoming himself to be contented with mediocrity, or something below it, almost disqualifies him from uttering any thing above it. We may say with justice, "a pun spoken in good season, how good is it!" Time, and place, and persons too, must be regarded. The punster, while he enlivens conversation, is one of the greatest acquisitions to a company; when he only interrupts it, he is one of its greatest nuisances. Much more could we add concerning both the theory and practice of this art, but we would not willingly become tedious. Gentle reader, whosoever thou art, receive in good part what we have here written; imbue thyself with such a love of punning, and such a sense of its dignity, that thy efforts may exalt and not degrade it: so shalt thou merit the Blank Page THE ORIGIN OF PUNNING: FROM PLATO'S SYMPOSIACKS. BY DR. SHERIDAN. Once on a time in merry mood, Blank Page ARS PUN-ICA, SIVE FLOS LINGUARUM; THE ART OF PUNNING, OR, THE FLOWER OF LANGUAGES: IN SEVENTY-NINE RULES: FOR THE FURTHER IMPROVEMENT OF CONVERSATION, AND HELP OF MEMORY. BY THE LABOUR AND INDUSTRY OF TOM PUN-SIBI.
Cicero, de Oratore, Lib. ii. § 61, 2. Blank Page TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE SIR JOHN SCRUB, BART. AND WINE-MERCHANT, THIS DEDICATION IS HUMBLY PRESENTED BY THE AUTHOR. Your honour's character is too well known in the world to stand in need of a dedication; but I can tell you, that my fortune is not so well settled but I stand in need of a patron. And therefore, since I am to write a dedication, I must, for decency, proceed in the usual method. First, I then proclaim to the world your high and illustrious birth: that you are, by the father's side, descended from the most ancient and celebrated family of Rome, the Cascas; by the mother's, from Earl Percy. Some indeed have been so malicious as to say, your grandmother kill'd-her-kin: but, I think if the authors of the report were found out, they ought to be hampered. I will allow that the world exclaims deservedly against your mother, because she is no friend to the bottle; Your humble servant, A SPECIMEN; A SPICE I MEAN. PREFACE. HÆe nos, ab imis Pun-icorum annalibus I've raked the ashes of the dead, to show The great and singular advantages of Punning, and the lustre it gives to conversation, are commonly so little known in the world, that scarce one man of learning in fifty, to their shame be it spoken, appears to have the least tincture of it in his discourse. This I can impute to nothing but that it hath not been reduced to a science; and indeed Cicero seemed long ago to wish for it, as we may gather from his second book de Oratore Let critics say what they will, I will venture to affirm, that Punning, of all arts and sciences, is the most extraordinary: for all others are circumscribed by certain bounds; but this alone is found to have no limits, because to excel therein requires a more extensive knowledge of all things. A Punner must be a man of the greatest natural abilities, and of the best accomplishments: his wit must be poignant and fruitful, his understanding clear and distinct, his imagination delicate and cheerful; he must have an extraordinary elevation of soul, far above all mean and low conceptions; and these must be sustained with a vivacity fit to express his And now, lest I should be suspected of imposing upon my reader, I must entreat him to consider how high Plato has carried his sentiments of this art (and Plato is allowed by all men to have seen farther into Heaven than any Heathen either before or since). Does not he say positively, in his Cratylus, "Jocos et Dii amant," the gods themselves love Punning? which I am apt to believe from Homer's ?sest?? ?????, unextinguished laughter; because there is no other motive could cause such continued merriment among the gods. As to the antiquity of this art, Buxtorf proves it to be very early among the Chaldeans; which any one may see at large, who will read what he says upon the word ???? Pun, Vocula est ChaldÆis familiarissima, &c. "It is a word that is most frequently in use among the Chaldeans," who were first instructed in the methods of punning by their magi, and gained such reputation, that PtolemÆus Philo-punnÆus sent for six of those learned priests, to propagate their doctrine of puns in six of his principal cities; which they did with such success, that his majesty ordered, by public edict, to have a Some authors, but upon what ground it is uncertain, will have Pan, who in the Æolic dialect is called Pun, to be the author of Puns, because, they say, Pan being the god of universal nature, and Punning free of all languages, it is highly probable that it owes its first origin, as well as name, to this god: others again attribute it to Janus, and for this reason—Janus had two faces; and of consequence they conjectured every word he spoke had a double meaning. But, however, I give little credit to these opinions, which I am apt to believe were broached in the dark and fabulous ages of the world; for I doubt, before the first Olympiad, there can be no great dependence upon profane history. I am much more inclined to give credit to Buxtorf; nor is it improbable that Pythagoras, who spent twenty-eight years at Egypt in his studies, brought this art, together with some arcana of philosophy, into Greece; the reason for which might be, that philosophy and punning were a mutual assistance to each other: "For," says he, "puns are like so many torch-lights in the head, that give the soul a very distinct view of those images, which she before seemed to grope after as if she had been imprisoned in a dungeon." From whence he looked upon puns to be so sacred, and had such a regard to them, that he left a precept to his disciples, forbidding them to eat beans, because they were called in Greek p?????. "Let not," says he, "one grain of the seeds be lost; but preserve and scatter them over all Greece, that both our gardens and our fields may flourish with a vegetable, which, on account of its name, not only brings an honour to our country, but, as it disperses its effluvia in the air, may also, by a secret impulse, prepare the soul for punning, which I esteem the first and great felicity of life." This art being so very well recommended by so great a man, it was not long before it spread through all Greece, and at last was looked upon to If any one doubts the truth of what I say, let him consult the apophthegms of Plutarch, who, after he had passed several encomiums upon this art, gives some account of persons eminent in it; among which (to shorten my preface) I choose one of the most illustrious examples, and will entertain the courteous reader with the following story: "King Philip had his collar-bone broken in a battle; and his physician expecting money of him every visit, the king reproved him with a pun, saying he had the key in his own hands." For the word ???e??, in the original, signifies both a key and a collar-bone We have also several puns recorded in Diogenes Laertius's "Lives of the Philosophers;" and those made by the wisest and gravest men among them, even by Diogenes the cynick, who, although pretending to withstand the irresistible charms of punning, was cursed with the name of an abhorrer It would be endless to produce all the authorities that might be gathered, from Diodorus Siculus, Herodotus, Proconosius, BergÆus, Dionysius Halicarnassensis, Lycophron, Pindar, Apollonius, Menander, Aristophanes, Corinthus Cous, Nonnus, Demosthenes, Euripides, Thucydides, Plato, Aristotle, &c.; from every one of which I should have produced some quotations, were it not that we are so unfortunate in this kingdom not to have Greek types sufficient for such an undertaking However, I believe it will not be amiss to bring some few testimonies, to show in what great esteem the art of punning was among the most refined wits at Rome, and that in the most polite ages, as will appear from the following quotations. Quinctilian says Lucretius also, QuÒ magÌs Æternum da dictis, Diva, leporem. And elsewhere, Omnia enim lepidi magÌs admirantur, amÁntque Thus Claudian: Vocibus alternant sensus, fraudisque jocosÆ, And Martial: Sit mihi, Cinna, comes, salibus dictisque facetus, Petronius likewise will tell you, Dicta, sales, risus, urbana crepundia vocum, And Lucan: Illi est imperium risus, qui fraude leporis But to come nearer home, and our own times; we know that France, in the late reign, was the seat of learning and policy; and what made it so, but the great encouragement the king gave punners above any other men: for it is too notorious, to quote any author for it, that Lewis le Grand gave a hundred pistoles for one single pun-motto, made upon an abbot, who died in a field, having a lily growing out of his a—: "Habe mortem prÆ oculis. Nor was his bounty less to Monsieur de Ferry de Lageltre the painter (though the pun and the picture turned against himself), who drew his majesty shooting, and at some distance from him another man aiming at the same fowl, who was withheld by a third person, pointing at the king, with these words from his mouth, "Ne voyez vous le Roy tirant?" Having now, from the best authorities, plainly proved the antiquity and excellence of the art of
——Si quid novisti rectius istis, A PARAGRAPH OF THE FIRST PREFACE THAT WAS OMITTED, WHICH THE READER (ACCORDING TO HIS JUDGMENT OR DISCRETION) MAY INSERT WHERE HE PLEASES. There is a remarkable passage in Petronius Arbiter, which plainly proves, by a royal example, that punning was a necessary ingredient to make an entertainment agreeable. The words are these: "Ingerebat nihilominus Trimalchio lentissima voce, Carpe. Ego, suspicatus ad aliquam urbanitatem A SECOND PREFACE. Lest my modesty should be called in question, for venturing to appear in print, in an age so famous for politeness and ingenuity, I think I am bound to say this in my own defence, that these few sheets were not designed to be made public, as being written for my own private use: but what will not the importunity of friends conquer? they were no sooner discovered in my study, but my merry friend George Rochfort, my learned acquaintance Patrick Delany, and my much honoured patron Jonathan Swift, all unanimously agreed, that I should do my own reputation and the world that justice, as to send "such a treasure of knowledge" (as they were pleased to express themselves) to the press. As for the work itself, I may venture to say, it is a work of time and experience, and entirely unattempted before. For which reason, I hope the candid reader will be favourable in his judgment upon it, and consider that all sciences in The Chaldeans began the mathematics, in which the Egyptians flourished. Then these, crossing the sea by the means of Thales the Milesian, came into Greece, where they were improved very much by Pythagoras, Anaxagoras, and Œnopides of Chios. These were followed by Briso, Antipho, Hippocrates, &c. But the excellence of the algebraic art was begun by Geber, an Arabian astronomer (whence as is conceived the word algebra took its rise), and was much since improved by Cardanus, Tartaglia, Clavius, Stevinus, Ghetaldus, Herigenius, Fran. Van Schooten, Florida de Beaune, &c. But to return to the Art of Punning again; the progress and improvement of which, I hope, will be equal to the sciences I have mentioned; or to any superior to them, if there be such: reader, I must trespass a little longer on your patience, and tell you an old maxim, Bonum quo communius, eo me And here to avoid the imputation of ingratitude, I must declare to the world, that my worthy friend Dr. R——, who is singularly remarkable for his unparalleled skill in punning, and a most industrious promoter of it, has been a very great instrument in bringing this work to light, as well by animating me to proceed in it, as by endeavouring to procure a good letter for the impression. The favourable acceptance that my puns have met with in some private companies, makes me flatter myself, that my labours therein will be candidly accepted, as they have been cordially intended to serve my native country. Tom Pun-sibi. THE ART OF PUNNING. "Punnata dicuntur, id ipsum, quod sunt, aliorum esse dicuntur, aut alio quovis modo ad aliud referuntur." Puns, in their very nature and constitution, have a relation to something else; or, if they have not, any other reason why will serve as well. The Physical Definition of Punning, according to Cardan. Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, and falling upon the diaphragma, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart. The Moral Definition of Punning. Punning is a virtue that most effectually promotes the end of good fellowship, which is laughing. N.B. I design to make the most celebrated punners in these kingdoms examples to the following rules. Rule 1. The capital Rule. He that puns, must have a head for it; that is, he must be a man of letters, of a sprightly and fine imagination, whatever men may think of his judgment; like Dr. Swift "Mantua vÆ miserÆ nimium vicina CremonÆ!" Or if you would have a more obvious reason, St. Dennis never made a pun after his head was cut off. Vid. Popish Legend, tom. lxxviii. p. 15,000. R. 2. The rule of Forehead. He must have good assurance, like my Lord B——, who puns in all companies. R. 3. The Brazen Rule. He must have better assurance, like Brigadier C——, who said, 'That, as he was passing through a street, he made to a country fellow who had a hare swinging on a stick over his shoulder, and, giving it a shake, asked him whether it was his own hair, or a perriwig?' whereas it is a notorious Oxford jest. R. 4. The Rule of Impudence. He must have the best assurance, like Dr. D——, who, although I had in three fair combats worsted him, yet had the impudence to challenge me a fourth time. R. 5. Any person may pun upon another man's puns about half an hour after he has made them; as Dr. E—— and Mr. F—— frequently do. I remember one day I was in company with them, and upon Major G—— saying, 'That he would leave me the gout for a legacy,' I made answer, and told the company,' I should be sorry to have such a leg as he.' They both snapped it up in their turns, and had as much applause for the pun as I had. R. 6. The Rule of Pun upon Pun. All puns made upon the word pun are to be esteemed as so much old gold. Ex. gr. suppose two famous punsters should contend for the superiority, and a man should wittily say, 'That is a Carthaginian war:'
Thus did great Socrates improve the mind, R. 8. The Rule of Interruption. Although the company be engaged in a discourse of the most serious consequence, it is and may be lawful to interrupt them with a pun. Ex. gr. suppose them poring over a problem in mathematics, you may, without offence, ask them 'How go squares with R. 9. The Rule of Risibility. A man must be the first that laughs at his own pun; as Martial advises: "Qui studet alterius risum captare lepore, R. 10. The Rule of Retaliation obliges you, if a man makes fifty puns, to return all, or the most of them, in the same kind. As for instance: Sir W—— sent me a catalogue of Mrs. Prudence's scholars, and desired my advice as to the management of them:
If these can't keep your ladies quiet, R. 11. The Rule of Repetition: You must never let a pun be lost, but repeat and comment upon it till every one in the company both hears and understands it; ex. gr. Sir, I have good wine to give you; excellent pontack, which I got 'pon tick; but, sir, we must have a little pun-talk over it; you take me, sir, and you, and you too, madam.—There is pun-talk upon pontack, and 'pon tick too, hey. R. 12. The Elementary Rule. Keep to your elements, whether you have fish, fowl, or flesh, for dinner: As for instance, Is not this fish which Mr. Pool sent me, ex-stream sweet? I think it is main good, what say you? O' my sole, I never tasted better, and I think it ought to take plaice of any that swims: though you may carp at me for saying so, I can assure you that both Dr. Spratt and Dr. Whaley are of my mind.—This is an excellent fowl, and a fit dish for high-flyers. Pray, sir, what is your o-pinion of this wing? As for the leg, the cook ought to be clapper-clawed for not roasting it enough. But, now I think of it, why should this be called the bird of Bacchus? A. Because it was dressed by your drunken cook. Not at all. You mistake the matter. Pray is it not a grape-lover; i. e. grey plover? Are you for any R. 13. The Rule of Retrospection. By this you may recall a discourse that has been past two hours, and introduce it thus: 'Sir, as you were saying two hours ago—you bought those stockings in Wales; I believe it, for they seem to be well-chose, i. e. Welsh-hose.'—'Sir, you were saying, if I mistake not, an hour or two ago, that soldiers have the speediest justice. I agree with you in that; for they are never without red-dress.' R. 14. The Rule of Transition; which will serve to introduce any thing that has the most remote relation to the subject you are upon; ex. gr. If a man puns upon a stable, you may pun upon a cornfield, a meadow, a horse-park, a smith's or sadler's shop; ex. gr. One says, His horses are gone to rack.' Then you answer, 'I would turn out the rascal that looks after them. Hay, sir, don't you think I am right? I would strike while the iron is hot; and pummel the dog to some purpose.' R. 15. The Rule of Alienation; which obliges you, when people are disputing hotly upon a subject, to pitch upon that word which gives the greatest disturbance, and make a pun upon it. This has not only occasioned peace in private companies, but has put a stop to hot wranglings in parliaments and convocations, which otherwise would not so soon come to a resolution: for, as Horace says, Ridiculum acri, &c.; and very often it is found so. Sir —— —— once, in parliament, brought in a bill which wanted some amendment; which being denied him by the house, he frequently repeated, 'That he thirsted to mend his bill.' Upon which, a worthy member got up, and said, 'Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since that member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught.' This put the house into such a good humour, that his petition was granted. R. 16. The Rule of Analogy is, when two persons pun upon different subjects, after the same manner. Ay, says one, 'I went to my shoe-maker's to-day for a pair of shoes which I bespoke a month ago; and when all came to all, the dog bristles up to me with a thousand excuses, that I thought there would never be an end of his discourse: but, upon my calling him a rascal, he began to wax warm, R. 17. The Sophistical Rule is, fixing upon a man's saying which he never spoke, and making a pun upon it, as, 'Ay, sir, since you say he was born in Bark-shire, I say he is a son of a bitch.' R. 18. The Rule of Train, is a method of introducing puns which we have studied before; ex. gr. By talking of Truelock the gun-smith, his very name will provoke some person in the company to pun. Then you proceed: 'Sir, I smell powder, but you are plaguy weak in your mainspring for punning; I would advise you to get a better stock, before you pretend to let off: though you may R. 19. The Rule of Challenge. As for instance, when you have conned over in your mind a chain of puns, you surprise the best punner in company, after this manner: 'Say Tan-pit, if you dare.' R. 20. The Sanguine Rule allows you to swear a man out of his pun, and prove yourself the author of it; as Dr. S—served Capt. W—, who was told how a slater, working at his house, fell through all the rafters from top to bottom, and that upon this accident he said, 'He loved to see a man go cleverly through his work.' 'That is mine, by —,' said the Doctor. R. 21. The Rule of Concatenation is making a string of puns as fast as you can, that nobody else can put in a word till you have exhausted the subject; ex. gr. There was one John Appleby, a gardener, fell in love with one Mrs. Curran, for her cherrycheeks and her lily white hand; and soon after he got her consent to graft upon her R. 22. The Rule of Inoculating is, when a person makes an excellent pun, and you immediately fix another upon it; as Dean Swift one day said to a gentleman, who had a very little bob wig, 'Sir, the dam of your wig is a whisker;' upon which I came in very À propos, and said, 'Sir, that cannot be, for it is but an ear-wig.' R. 23. The Rule of Desertion allows you to bring a man into a pun, and leave him to work it out: as, suppose you should hear a man say the R. 24. The Salick Rule is, a pretence to a jumping of wits: that is, when a man has made a good pun, the other swears with a pun he was just coming out with it. One night, I remember, Mr.—— served Dr.—— so. The former saying over a bottle, 'Will, I am for my mistress here.' 'How so?' says Tom. 'Why, I am for Wine-if-red.' 'By this crooked stick R. 25. The Etymological Rule is, when a man hunts a pun through every letter and syllable of a word: as for example, I am asked, 'What is the best word to spend an evening with?' I answered, 'Potatos; for there is po—pot—pota—potat—potato, and the reverse sot-a-top.' R. 26. The Rule of Mortification is, when a man having got the thanks and laugh of a company for a good pun, an enemy to the art swears he read it in "Cambridge Jests." This is such an inversion of it, that I think I may be allowed to make examples of these kind of people in verse: Thus puppies, that adore the dark, R. 27. The Professionary Rule
R. 28. The Brazen-head Rule is, when a punster stands his ground against a whole company, though there is not one to side with him, to the utter destruction of all conversation but his own. As for instance—says one, 'I hate a pun.'—Then he, 'When a pun is meant, is it a punishment?'—'Deuce take your quibbling!'—'Sir, I will not bate you an ace, cinque me if I do; and I'll make you know that I am a sice above you.'—'This fellow cannot talk out of his element.'—'To divert you was all I meant.' R. 29. The Hypothetic Rule is, when you suppose things hardly consistent to be united, for the sake of a pun: as for instance—suppose a person in the pillory had received a full discharge of eggs upon every part of his face but the handle of it; why should he make the longest verses in the world? Ans. Versos Alexandrinos, i. e. All-eggs-and-dry-nose. R. 30. The Rule of Naturalization is, that punning is free of all languages: as for the Latin Romanos you may say 'Roman nose'—Temeraria, 'Tom, where are you?'—OxoniÆ prospectus, 'Pox on you, pray speak to us. For the French quelque 'Nocte pluit tota, redeunt spectacula manÈ.' R. 31. The Rule of Random. When a man speaks any thing that comes uppermost, and some good pun-finder discovers what he never meant in it, then he is to say, 'You have hit it!' As Major Grimes did: complaining that he staid at home by reason of an issue in a leg, which was just beginning to run, he was answered by Mr.—, 'I wonder that you should be confined who have such running legs.' The Major replied, 'You have hit it; for I meant that.' R. 32. The Rule of Scandal. Never to speak well of another punster; ex. gr. 'Who, he! Lord, sir, he has not sense enough to play at crambo;' or 'He does not know the meaning of synonymous R. 33. The Rule of Catch is, when you hear a man conning a pun softly to himself, to whip it out of his mouth, and pass it upon the company for your own: as for instance; mustard happened to be mentioned in company where I was, and a gentleman with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, was at Mus—mus, sinapi—sinapi—snap eye—bite nose;—One in the company, over-hearing him, bit him, and snapped it up, and said, 'Mustard is the stoutest seed in the world, for it takes the greatest man by the nose.' R. 34. The Golden Rule allows you to change one syllable for another; by this, you may either lop off, insert, or add to a word; ex. gr. For Church—Kirk. This rule is of such consequence, that a man was once tried for his life by it. The case was thus: A certain man was brought before a judge of assize for murder: his lordship asked his name, and being answered Spillman, the judge said, 'Take away Sp, and his name is Ill-man; put K to it, and it is Killman: away with him, gaoler; his very name Let us now consider a new case; as for instance, 'The church of England, as by law established.' Put a T before it, and it is Test-ablished: take away the Test and put in o, and it is Abolished. Blank Page How much was Tom Gordon, the late ingenious author of Parson Alberoni, obliged to it, in that very natural story which he framed concerning the preacher, where he tells you, one of the congregation called Give me leave, courteous reader, to recommend to your perusal and practice this most excellent But after all, give me leave to lament, that I cannot have the honour of being the sole inventor of this incomparable rule: though I solemnly protest, upon the word of an author (if an author may Mirandi novitate movebere mostri.—Ovid. Tom was a little merry grig, ADVERTISEMENT. The Second Part of this Work will be published with all convenient expedition: to which will be added, A small Treatise of Conundrums, Carriwhichits, and Long-petites; together with the Winter-fire's Diversion; The Art of making Rebuses; The Antiquity of Hoop-petticoats proved from Adam's two Daughters, Calmana and Delbora, &c. &c. A PUNNING LETTER TO THE EARL OF PEMBROKE, PRETENDED TO BE THE DYING SPEECH OF TOM ASHE, Tom Ashe died last night. It is conceived he was so puffed up by my lord lieutenant's favour, that it struck him into a fever. I here send you his dying speech, as it was exactly taken by a friend in short-hand. It is something long, and a little incoherent; but he was several hours delivering it, and with several intervals. His friends were about the bed, and he spoke to them thus: My Friends, It is time for a man to look grave, when he has one foot there. I once had only a punnic fear of death; but of late I have pundred it more seriously. Every fit of coughing hath put me in mind of my As for my lord-lieutenant the Earl of Mungomerry, I am sure he be-wales my misfortune; and it would move him to stand by, when the carpenter (while my friends grieve and make an odd splutter) nails up my coffin. I will make a short affidavi-t, that, if he makes my epitaph, I will take it for a great honour; and it is a plentiful subject. His excellency may say, that the art of punning is dead with Tom. Tom has taken all puns away with him. Omne tulit pun-Tom.——May his excellency long live tenant to the queen in Ireland. We never Herberd so good a governor before. Sure he mun-go-merry home, that has made a kingdom so happy. I hear, my friends design to publish a collection of my puns. Now I do confess, I have let many a pun go, which did never pungo; therefore the world must read the bad as well as the good. Virgil has long foretold it: Punica mala leges.——I have had several forebodings that I should soon die: I have of late been often at committees, where I have sat de die in diem.——I conversed much with the usher of the black rod: I saw his medals; and woe is me dull soul, not to consider they are but dead men's faces stampt over and over by the living, which will shortly be my condition. Tell Sir Anthony Fountain, I ran clear to the bottom, and wish he may be a late a river where I am going. He used to brook compliments. May his sand be long a running; not quick sand like mine! Bid him avoid poring upon monuments and books; which is in reality but running among rocks and shelves, to stop his course. May his waters never be troubled with mud or gravel, nor stopt by any grinding stone! May his friends be all true trouts, and his enemies laid as flat as flounders! I look upon him as the most fluent of his race; therefore let him not despond. I foresee his black rod will advance to a pike, and destroy all our ills. But I am going; my wind in lungs is turning to a winding sheet. The thoughts of a pall begin to a pall me. Life is but a vapour, car elle va pour la moindre cause. Farewell: I have lived ad amicorum fastidium, and now behold how fast I dium! Here his breath failed him, and he expired. There are some false spellings here and there; but they must be pardoned in a dying man. A LETTER GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF A PESTILENT NEIGHBOUR. Sir, You must give me leave to complain of a pestilent fellow in my neighbourhood, who is always beating mortar; yet I cannot find he ever builds. In talking, he useth such hard words, that I want a Drugger-man to interpret them. But all is not gold that glisters. A pot he carries to most houses where he visits. He makes his prentice his gally slave. I wish our lane were purged of him. Yet he pretends to be a cordial man. Every spring his shop is crowded with country-folks, who, by their leaves, in my opinion, help him to do a great deal of mischief. He is full of scruples; and so very litigious, that he files bills against all his acquaintance: and, though he be much troubled with the simples, yet I assure you he is a Jesuitical dog; as you may know by his bark. Of all poetry he loves the dram-a-tick. I am, A PUNNING EPISTLE ON MONEY. Worthy Mr. Pennyfeather, Madam Johnson has been very ill-used by her servants; they put shillings into her broth instead of groats, which made her stamp. I hear they had them from one Tom Ducket, a tenant to Major Noble, who I am told is reduced to nine-pence. We are doubting whether we shall dine at the Crown or the Angel. Honest Mark Cob, who has been much moydored of late, will dine with us, but 'Squire Manypenny and Captain Sterling desire to be excused, for they are engaged with Ned Silver to dine in Change-alley. They live in great har-mony; they met altogether last week, and sate as loving as horses in a pound. I suppose you have heard of the rhino-ceros lately arrived here. A captain was cash-iered on Wednesday. A scavenger abused me this morning, but I made him down with his dust, which indeed was a far-thing from my intentions. Mrs. Brent had a pi-stole Your most obedient, P.S. Mr. Cole presents his service to you, of which I am a-tester. BY DR. ARBUTHNOT; SHOWING THE MISERABLE FATES OF PERSONS ADDICTED Manifold have been the judgments which Heaven, from time to time, for the chastisement of a sinful people, has inflicted on whole nations. For when the degeneracy becomes common, 'tis but just the punishment should be general: Of this kind, in our own unfortunate country, was that destructive pestilence, whose mortality was so fatal, as to sweep Such also was that dreadful conflagration ensuing, in this famous metropolis of London, which consumed, according to the computation of Sir Samuel Morland, 100,000 houses, not to mention churches and stables. Scarce had this unhappy nation recovered these funest disasters, when the abomination of playhouses rose up in this land: from hence hath an inundation of obscenity flowed from the court and overspread the kingdom. Even infants disfigured the walls of holy temples with exorbitant representations of the members of generation: nay, no sooner had they learnt to spell, but they had wickedness enough to write the names thereof in large capitals: an enormity observed by travellers to be found in no country but England. But when whoring and popery were driven hence by the happy Revolution, still the nation so greatly offended, that Socinianism, Arianism, and Whistonism triumphed in our streets, and were in a manner become universal. And yet still, after all these visitations, it has pleased Heaven to visit us with a contagion more Now such is the enormity of this abomination, that our very nobles not only commit punning over tea, and in taverns, but even on the Lord's day, and in the king's chapel: therefore, to deter men from this evil practice, I shall give some true and dreadful examples of God's revenge against punsters. The Right Honourable——(but it is not safe to insert the name of an eminent nobleman in this paper, yet I will venture to say that such a one has been seen; which is all we can say, considering the largeness of his sleeves)—This young nobleman was not only a flagitious punster himself, but was Another nobleman of great hopes, no less guilty of the same crime, was made the punisher of himself with his own hand, in the loss of 500 pounds at box and dice; whereby this unfortunate young gentleman incurred the heavy displeasure of his aged grandmother. A third of no less illustrious extraction, for the same vice, was permitted to fall into the arms of a Dalilah, who may one day cut off his curious hair, and deliver him up to the Philistines. Colonel F——, an ancient gentleman of grave deportment, gave into this sin so early in his youth, that whenever his tongue endeavours to speak common sense, he hesitates so as not to be understood. Thomas Pickle, gentleman, for the same crime, banished to Minorca. Muley Hamet, from a wealthy and hopeful officer in the army, turned a miserable invalid at Tilbury-Fort. ——Eustace, Esq. for the murder of much of the King's English in Ireland, is quite deprived of his reason, and now remains a lively instance of emptiness and vivacity. Poor Daniel Button, for the same offence, deprived of his wits. One Samuel, an Irishman, for his forward attempt to pun, was stunted in his stature, and hath been visited all his life after with bulls and blunders. George Simmons, shoemaker at Turnstile in Holborn, was so given to this custom, and did it with so much success, that his neighbours gave out he was a wit. Which report coming among his creditors, nobody would trust him; so that he is now a bankrupt, and his family in a miserable condition. Divers eminent clergymen of the university of Cambridge, for having propagated this vice, became great drunkards and Tories. From which calamities, the Lord in his mercy defend us all, &c. THE BIRTH OF A PUN When Adam and Eve, as the saints all believe, By the learned Author of Hermes. On the subject of puns the late learned author of Hermes and Philological Inquiries has the following remarks and extracts: Horace gives a sad example of this spurious wit, where (as Dryden humorously translates it) he makes Persius the buffoon exhort the patriot Brutus to kill Mr. King, that is, Rupilius Rex, because Brutus, when he slew CÆsar, had been accustomed to KING-KILLING. Hunc Regem occide; operum We have a worse attempt in Homer, where Ulysses makes Polypheme believe his name was ????S, and where the dull Cyclops, after he had lost his eye, upon being asked by his brethren who had done so much mischief, replies, 'twas done by ????S, that is, by NOBODY. Enigmas are of a more complicated nature, being involved either in pun or metaphor, or sometimes in both. ??d? ??d?? ???? ?a???? ?p' ????? ?????sa?ta I saw a man, who, unprovoked with ire, This Enigma is ingenious, and means the operation of cupping, performed in ancient days by a machine of brass. In such fancies, contrary to the principles of good metaphor and good writing, a perplexity is caused, not by accident, but by design, and the pleasure lies in the being able to resolve it. THE ENGLISH CELEBRATED FOR PUNNING ON NAMES. The English are noted for punning on people's names, in allusion to their talent or profession.—Grimaldi was called, from his "grim faces," Grim-all-day; Macready, from his quick study, "Make ready;" Young, from his youthful appearance, "the young actor;" Kean, from his new readings, "the keen actor;" Sinclair, from his beautiful voice, "Mr. Sing clear;" Miss Tree, the lovely vocalist, "the Mystery," &c. &c. &c.: innumerable are the instances in the political world, but quant. suff. Perhaps one of the most laughable of the present day is the pun upon Mr. Thomas Bish, the stockbroker's name; he was then at the head of one of the most respectable tea-dealing establishments in London. His friends sunk his Christian name, excepting the first letter, and jocosely called him Mr. Tea Bish: perhaps the joke was borrowed from an epigram on Mr. Twining, the tea-dealer, viz. "How curiously names with professions agree, But we shall favour the reader with a few of the best modern examples. OF PUNNING ON SURNAMES. Men once were surnamed from their shape or estate, AN EPITAPH, OR PUNNING RUN MAD. Here lies old John Magee, late the landlord at the Sun, BENJAMIN BASHFUL ON THE VICE OF PUNNING. THE PUNSTER'S FOE.
TO BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, ESQ. It has just been communicated to me, that you are about to collect and publish a Punster's Pocket- B. BASHFUL. I am a bashful young man of good fortune, who, to use the phrase of the mode, have just come out, and made my entrÉ into the world with the reputation of being a gentleman and a scholar. I could wish you to notice a minor evil in society which tends to poison the springs of taste and knowledge, by bringing forward the flippant, and throwing back the reflective, speaker. I allude to the vice of punning, which tends to destroy all the profit and pleasure of conversation, and embarrass, in the greatest degree, the young and inexperienced. It is my fate to mix with a circle of fashionable dilettanti, each of them capable of sustaining a part in rational discourse, and of conducting the intellectual conflict with some share of vigour and learning; who, nevertheless, meet together to fritter away time, patience, and attention, with a series of unconnected quibbles and conundrums. Instead of the rich web of fancy, glowing with the vivid creations of lively, intelligent minds, the conversation P.S. By BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. Blank Page Blank Page EXAMPLES IN PUNNING, BY ROYAL, NOBLE, AND EMINENT PERSONS. THE PUNSTER'S BOWL. The sovereign medicine of life, Blank Page EXAMPLES IN PUNNING. The seeds of punning are in the minds of all men." ROYAL PUNS. RIGHT DIVINE. Among the few highly favoured individuals who were included in the select evening parties of his present Majesty, George the Fourth, while at the Pavilion, Brighton, was the facetious Reverend J. Wright. On one occasion the king suggested to his brother, the Duke of York, some intention he had of doing a particular act, to which the duke dissented, and his Majesty referred to the D.D. on which the reverend jocularly observed, "The king can do no wrong." Then, said his Majesty, "Fred. I shall pursue my object, for you hear I have 'Wright Divine' on my side." COOKE AND KITCHEN. Sir George C., better known as Col. C., was said to have had an intrigue with a Mrs. Kitchen. When the king was told of it, he said, "It was A DOWN HILL PUN. Sir George Hill, the vice-treasurer of Ireland, and a near relative to the Londonderry family, was among the visitors at the Pavilion. Dr. Tierney remarked, that Sir George was getting old and feeble—"If I mistake not," replied the king, "he is going down hill very rapidly." "Hume and Croker had a sharp contest last night," said the Earl of Liverpool to his Majesty, "but it ended in smoke." "I don't wonder at that," replied the monarch; "The Fire of Croker was sure to smoke like Irish turf beneath the weight of Scotch Hume-i-dity." Sir Edmund Nagle said he wondered that the king of France did not feel offended at the squibs let off against him in the English newspapers. "Pshaw!" said the king, "he would be a fool indeed to be frightened at a squib in London, LORD ELDON'S PUNNING JEU D'ESPRIT. In an application to his Lordship for an injunction to restrain the proprietors of the "Gazette of Fashion" from selling the song of "We're a' Noddin," the Chancellor perceiving the trifling nature of the cause, after hearing the defendant, observed, "I will dismiss both parties, by granting an injunction against Cease your Funning." LORD STOWELL, On a recent occasion, having taken his seat in the Admiralty Court, inquired separately of the advocates, if they had any motion to move; and being answered in the negative, the judge very good humouredly replied, "Then, gentlemen, the best thing we can do will be to move ourselves." GEORGE CANNING AND EARL BATHURST. Kicking the Bucket. As the Earl Bathurst and George Canning were walking along Pall Mall, the Earl struck his foot, by accident, against a small pail, (which some LORD ERSKINE. Few persons ever enjoyed a greater facility of punning upon the ancient languages than his lordship. For instance, on one of the articles of his breakfast apparatus, Lord E. had inscribed Tu doces, literally Thou—Tea—Chest. THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON IN ACTION. "Your Grace speaks without reason, and too much in a passion," said a Spanish brunette to whom he had made a proposal, and was pressing it somewhat close. "Ah! my dear little angel," said the great captain, "reason has nothing to do with love; and passion is very desirable when we are on the point of entering into immediate action." TURN IN AND TURN OUT. A noble lord who was aide-de-camp to the Duke of Wellington, visited the Duke early on the morning Being told that a great public defaulter had married his kept-mistress, observed, "That fellow is always robbing the public." ROGERS ON TASTE. When the Marquis of Hertford opened his splendid hotel in Piccadilly, Mrs. Coutts was one of the visitors present—much to the annoyance of certain of our fair nobility. In reply to an observation of hers, upon the splendour and magnificence of the furniture and decorations, Rogers archly remarked, that, "besides splendour, there was so much good taste in the ornaments and society—every thing in the rooms was so chaste and delicate." LADY HAMILTON. The beautiful Lady Hamilton having at her table given "Mr. Abraham Goldsmidt" as a toast, and Lord Nelson only half filling his glass, she cried, "Come, come, my Lord, you must not sham Abraham." JACK BANNISTER AND THE GOUT. A friend consoling with the comedian during a severe attack of the gout, observed, that the disease prolonged life, and added, "Any body might take a lease of yours." "Then it must be," quoth Jack writhing with pain, "at a rack rent." HOSPITALITY. Jack Bannister, praising the hospitalities of the Irish, after his return from a trip to the sister kingdom, was asked if he had ever been at Cork? "No," replied the wit, "but I have seen a great many drawings of it." LUTTRELL AND ROGERS. Luttrell and Sam Rogers met together at the Chinese Saloon the other day. "This must be a famous speculation," said Sam; "I think the proprietor of the Anatomie Vivante should take his motto from my favourite epistle in Horace— 'AnnonÆ prosit— "Why," said Luttrell, "I think the man a humbug; you'll find plenty of living skeletons in our hospitals—so I think a better motto may be found for him in the same epistle, which you have quoted so often— 'Vir BONUS est QUIZ.'" THE RIGHT HONOURABLE CHARLES JAMES FOX. C.J. Fox, and Mr. Hare, his friend, both much incommoded by duns, were together in a house, when seeing some very shabby men about the door, they were afraid they were bailiffs in search of them. Not knowing which was in danger, and wishing to ascertain it, Fox opened the window, and calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you Fox-hunting, or Hare-hunting?" LORD ROSS. The witty Lord Ross having spent all his money in London, set out for Ireland in order to recruit his purse. On his way he happened to meet with Sir Murrough O'Brien, driving for the capital in a lofty phaeton, with six fine dun-coloured horses. "Sir Murrough," exclaimed his Lordship, "what a contrast between you and me! I have left my duns behind me; you are driving your duns before you. DR. JOHNSON. Early one morning, the Doctor passing by the end of the Old Bailey, observed a great crowd collected, and upon inquiring of Boswell what it meant, was informed that one Vowel was going to be hanged for forgery. "Well," replied the Doctor, "it is very clear, Bozzy, that it is neither U nor I." AN UNFORTUNATE CELEBRITY. Dr. Johnson. A pert young fellow who had made some abortive attempts as an author, and notwithstanding the shallowness of his pretensions, was on excellent terms with himself, had long been labouring for an opportunity of being introduced to the Doctor, and at length succeeded in obtaining an invitation to Mr. Thrale's. Having taken proper means to be frequently accosted by his name, which, in his own fond imagination, was "fama super Æthera notum," he sat for some time in expectation of being accosted by the Lexicographer. Finding, however, that his hopes were vain, he at length ventured to break the ice. Approaching the Doctor with a smile of self-sufficiency, "My name, Doctor Johnson," DR. PARR ON WANTS. The Doctor used to say, that a man's happiness was secure in proportion to the small number of his wants; and he added, that, all his life, he had endeavoured to prevent the multiplication of them in himself. A Mr. Ketch, on hearing this, said to him, "Then, Doctor, your secret of happiness is, to cut down your wants." "Suspend your puns, Mr. Ketch," said the Doctor, "and I will drop you the hint: My secret is, not to let them grow up." GEORGE COLMAN. George Colman being once asked if he were acquainted with Theodore Hook, replied, "Oh yes; Hook and I (eye) are old associates." JAMES SMITH, ESQ. ON SPRING AND SUMMER. "We shall jump into summer all at once," said a friend to James Smith, one very fine day in the early part of the year. "Stop," said the punster, "if it is leap year, you must take a good spring first." SHIELD AND SIR GEORGE SMART—THE SCORE OF MERIT. Shield the composer, on the occasion of Sir George Smart being knighted, said, "It must have been on the merit of his score MR. WILLIAM SPENCER. Classical Pun. As William Spencer was contemplating the caricatures at Fores's one day, somebody pointed out to him Cruickshanks's design of the "Ostend packet in a squall;" when the wit, without at all sympathizing with the nausea visible on some of the faces represented in the print, exclaimed, "Quodcunque Ostendis mihi sic incredulus odi." REYNOLDS THE DRAMATIST. The amiable Mrs. W. always insists that her friends who take grog, should mix equal quantities HENDERSON AND THE TWO GARRICKS. The Tatler, Spectator, and Guardian. The first time that Henderson, the player, rehearsed a part at Drury Lane, George Garrick came into the boxes, saying as he entered, "I only come as a spectator." Soon after he made some objection to Henderson's playing, when the young actor retorted—"Sir, I thought you were only to be a Spectator; instead of that you are turning Tatler." "Never mind him, Sir," said David Garrick, "never mind him, let him be what he will, I'll be the Guardian." ANDREW CHERRY THE COMEDIAN. The late Mr. A. Cherry, comedian, was written to some years since, with an offer for a good engagement from a manager, who, on a former occasion, had not behaved altogether well to him. MR. JEKYLL'S PUN ON MR. RAINE. Mr. Jekyll being told the other day, that Mr. Raine, the barrister, was engaged as the opposing counsel for a Mr. Hay, inquired, "If Raine was ever known to do any good to Hay?" RALPH WEWITZER THE PUNSTER. A Fault in Candles. Ralph Wewitzer, ordering a box of candles, said he hoped they would be better than the last. The chandler said he was very sorry to hear them complained of, as they were as good as he could make. "Why," says Ralph, "they were very well till about half burnt down, but after that they would not burn any longer." C.J. FOX AND BURKE ON THE "SUBLIME AND BEAUTIFUL." Mr. Fox supped one evening with Edmund Burke, at the Thatched House, where they were served with dishes more elegant than substantial. HORNE TOOKE AND DR. PARR ON "TIT BITS." Horne Tooke, author of the Epea Pteroenta, was remarkable for the readiness of his repartees in conversation. He once received an invitation to a dinner party to meet the celebrated Dr. Parr. "What!" said Horne Tooke, "go to meet a country schoolmaster, a mere man of Greek and Latin scraps! that will never do." Some time after this, he met Dr. Parr in the street, and addressed him with, "Ah! my dear Parr, is it you? how gratified I am to see you!" "What, me?" replied Parr, "a mere country schoolmaster, a man of Greek and Latin scraps?" "Oh my good friend," rejoined Horne Tooke immediately, "those who told you that never understood me; when I spoke of the scraps I meant the tit-bits." CURRAN'S CULINARY JOKE. During Lord Westmoreland's administration, when a number of new corps were raised in Ireland (and given as jobs and political favours), it was observed, that, when inspected there, the establishment of each regiment was nominally reported to be complete at embarkation for England, but when landed at the other side, many of them had not a quarter of their numbers. "No wonder," said Mr. Curran, "for after being mustered, they are afraid of being peppered, and off they fly, not wishing to pay for the roast." COUNSELLOR DUNNING OVER-DONE. A gentleman being severely cross-examined by Mr. Dunning, who asked him repeatedly if he did not live within the verge of the court, at length answered that he did. "And pray, sir," said Dunning, "why did you take up your residence in that place?"—"In order to avoid the impertinence of dunning," answered the witness. LORD CHANCELLOR ELDON AND THE LANCET. Bleeding in Chancery. On a motion to dissolve the injunction obtained against that useful work the Lancet, the Lord R.B. SHERIDAN AND THE PRINCE OF WALES, OR ONE SWALLOW DOES NOT MAKE A SUMMER. One wintry day, the Prince of Wales went into the Thatched House Tavern, and ordered a steak: "But (said his Royal Highness), I am devilish cold, bring me a glass of hot brandy and water." He swallowed it, another, and another. "Now, (said he) I am comfortable, bring my steak." On which Mr. Sheridan took out his pencil, and wrote the following impromptu:—
CHARLES BANNISTER. Charles meeting a thief-taker with a man in his custody, and asking his offence, was told he had stolen a bridle. "Then (said Charles) he wanted to touch the bit." WILBERFORCE AND SHERIDAN ON DRINKING. That very sober pious personage, Mr. Wilberforce, reproved his friend Sheridan thus: "My good Sir, (said he) you have drunk a little too much." "Have I? (hiccupped the other) and you, my good Sir, have drunk much too little." THE FACETIOUS CALEB WHITFOORD. The late Caleb Whitfoord, seeing a lady knotting fringe for a petticoat, asked her, what she was doing? "Knotting, Sir, (replied she;) pray Mr. Whitfoord, can you knot?" He answered, "I can-not." JUDGE JEFFERIES BEARDED. The judge told an old man with a long beard, who was being examined as a witness, that he "supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard." If, replied the old man, we were all to be judged of by that rule, your lordship would be deemed a most unconscionable judge LORD CHESTERFIELD AND LORD TYRAWLEY. "Sic sine Morte Mori," was given by some wag as a toast, when Lord Chesterfield and Lord Ty SAM FOOTE ON PLAYING TOO HIGH. A German baron at a gaming-house, being detected in an odd trick, one of the players fairly threw him out of the one pair of stairs window. On this outrage he took the advice of Foote, who told him "never play so high again." FELIX M'CARTHY. Felix M'Carthy passing through Clement's Inn, and receiving abuse from some impudent clerks, was advised to complain to the Principal, which he did thus: "I have been abused here by some of the rascals of this inn, and I come to acquaint you of it, as I understand you are the Principal." TIERNEY v. FOX. Mr. Fox, in the course of a speech, said, "If any thing on my part, or on the part of those with whom I acted, was an obstruction to peace, I could not lie on my pillow with ease." George Tierney (then in administration) whispered to his neighbour, "If he could not lie on his pillow with ease, he can lie in this house with ease." LEE LEWIS ON THE GAME LAWS. Lee Lewis shooting in a field, the proprietor attacked him: "I allow no person (said he) to kill game on my manor but myself; and I'll shoot you, if I find you here again." "What! (said the comedian) do you mean to make game of me?" CALEB WHITFOORD AND HIS NEPHEW. The late Caleb Whitfoord, finding his nephew, Charles Smith, playing the violin, the following bits took place:
JOHN KEMBLE MURDERING TIME. When Kemble was rehearsing the romance sung by Richard Coeur de Lion, Shaw, the leader of the band, called out from the orchestra, "Mr. Kemble, my dear Mr. Kemble, you are murdering time." Kemble, calmly and coolly taking a pinch of snuff, said, "My dear Sir, it is better for me to murder Time at once than be continually beating him as you do." SHERIDAN ON LOVE FOR LOVE. Sheridan complained that Congreve's "Love for THE MORNING POST ON PREFERMENT. An auctioneer having turned publican, was soon after thrown into the King's Bench; on which the following paragraph appeared in the Morning Post: "Mr. A., who lately quitted the pulpit for the bar, has been promoted to the bench." SIR J. PARNELL Became a general toast in Ireland after the Union, by which he lost his place, or, as he once said, "his bread and butter." When lamenting his loss, he was told, "Ah! but it's amply made up to you in toast." HORACE TWISS, M.P. A special Pun. Mr. Twiss being one evening in the boxes of Covent Garden theatre, to see Macbeth: when the hero questions the witches what they are doing, RALPH WEWITZER. The comedian meeting a young friend, observed how well he looked. "Ay, (says the other) I have a rare good appetite, and I take care that it be well satisfied; in the first place, every morning I eat a great deal to breakfast." "Then (observes the former) I presume you breakfast in a timber-yard." JOHN BANNISTER NO SHOOTER. A few years ago, it will be remembered, that Mr. John Bannister nearly lost his arm by the bursting of a fowling-piece. Shortly after he observed to a friend, "I may be an actor, but I will not attempt to be a Shooter." LORD NELSON'S ARMS. The master of the Wrestler's Inn, at Yarmouth, having solicited Lord Nelson to permit him to put up his arms, and change the name of the inn to The Nelson Hotel; his lordship returned for answer, that he was perfectly welcome to his name, but he must be sensible that he had no arms to spare. SOME OF CURRAN'S BEST. A severe Irish judge, being at dinner among an assemblage of lawyers, Mr. Curran asked his lordship, if he should have the pleasure of helping him to a slice of pickled tongue which stood before him. "If it were hung (said his lordship), I would try it." "If you were to try it (replied Curran), it would be sure to be hung." CURRAN'S COVENTRY JOKE. On some one proposing to send an Irish barrister to "Coventry" for refusing to fight a duel, "Sure," said the wit, "that is carrying the joke a little too far." CAPITAL JOKES. While a counsellor was pleading at the Irish bar, a louse unluckily peeped from under his wig. Curran, who sat next to him, whispered what he saw. "You joke," said the barrister. "If (replied Mr. Curran) you have many such jokes in your head, the sooner you crack them the better." ON DISCIPLINE. MacNally was very lame, and when walking, he had an unfortunate limp. At the time of the Rebellion he was seized with a military ardour, and when the different volunteer corps were forming in LORD NORTH'S PUN CLASSICAL. A gentleman told Lord North, that from a variety of losses, he had found himself compelled to reduce his establishment. "And what (said his lordship) have you done with the fine mare you used to ride?" "I have sold her." "Then you have not attended to Horace's maxim: 'Equam memento rebus in arduis MANNERS EARL OF RUTLAND. Manners Earl of Rutland meeting Sir Thomas More, shortly after their mutual preferment, and thinking he assumed rather a haughty carriage, observed, "Honores mutant Mores." "No, my lord (said Sir Thomas), the pun will be much better in English, Honors change Manners." LORD BYRON TO ROGERS ON PUNNING. Lord Byron observed to Rogers, that punning was the lowest species of wit. "True (said the other), it is the foundation." THE ARCH-BISHOP AND HIS ARCH-CURATE. Pun beneficial. Sir William Dawes, archbishop of York, delighted in a good pun. His clergy dining with him the first time after the decease of his lady, he said he feared the company would not find things in so good order as they were in the time of poor Mary, adding with a sigh, "Ah! she was indeed Mare Pacificum." A curate, who pretty well knew the truth of the matter, got himself completely into favour by observing, "Ay, my lord, but she was first Mare Mortuum." DR. GOLDSMITH AND SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS. A pun spoiled. At a dinner of wits, a dish of pease was brought in, become almost grey with age. "Carry these pease to Kensington!" said one of the party. "Why to Kensington?" said another. "Because it's the way to Turn'em green." Dr. Goldsmith going home in the evening with Sir Joshua Reynolds, observed, that he would have given five pounds to make so excellent a pun. "You shall have the opportunity (said the knight) on Tuesday, when DR. BROWN'S TOAST. Dr. B. long but unsuccessfully paid his addresses to a young lady, whom he used always to give as a toast. Dining one day with a friend, the latter filling his glass, said, "Come, doctor, I'll give you your favourite toast." He answered, "You may do as you please; but for myself, I have already toasted her too long without being able to make her Brown." R. PEAKE TO R. MARTIN, M.P. "Sir," said the humane M.P. to the facetious dramatist (praising his own bill), "instead of the drovers inhumanly beating the poor bastes as formerly, you will shortly see them applying opodeldoc to their wounds." "Ay;" rejoined the punster, "Steer's of Cow-lane." R. PEAKE AND WINSTON. The punster, having occasion to call upon the stage manager of Drury Lane, was shown into his room, when the servant remarked, "he feared Mr. ARNOLD AND PEAKE. A person observing that Mr. Arnold, the proprietor of the English Opera, was an ill-tempered man, but a fortunate one, Charles Westmacott replied, "he knew that to be true, for he was indebted for both his cash and success to pique." (Peake his dramatist and treasurer.) PEAKE'S "STOUT MAN" Appeared originally during the oppressive heat of the season 1825, at the English Opera House: when Arnold observing that the piece did not run according to his expectations, Peake dryly replied, "How can you expect a stout man to run in such very hot weather?" CHARLES BANNISTER AND PARSONS. The late Mr. Charles Bannister going with Mr. Parsons into a shop where there was an electric eel, the latter said, "Charles, what sort of a pie would that eel make?" He answered, "A shock-ing one." THE RIGHT HON. G. CANNING ON RESOURCES. Mr. Canning seeing a certain nobleman rowing a wherry on the Thames, with all the power and skill of a waterman, observed, "Your grace is BEN JONSON AND THE COUNTRYMAN. Simplicity v. Wit. A country booby boasting of the numerous acres he enjoyed, Ben Jonson peevishly told him, "For every acre you have of land, I have an acre of wit." The other, filling his glass, said, "My service to you, Mr. Wise-acre!" DENNIS THE PUNSTER. Tria juncta in uno. Mr. Dennis, a gentleman who died about 1764, and was famous for his puns, was once ridiculed for it in a copy of verses by three gentlemen, whose names were Goodwin, Johnstone, and Marshall; he answered them in the following manner: "If Good be the better half of thy name, it is so little in thy nature as not to be perceived, though in conjunction with thy friend John, thou hast helped to make such a noble copy of verses that they ought to be engraven on stone. I would have given steel the preference, if a certain person did not Mar your works, so shall say no more of the matter." THE CONVERSATIONAL PUNSTER. "A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy." [There are very few literary persons in London, at least among those connected with the public press, who have not occasionally enjoyed the pleasant, punning, conversational powers of my friend W. R. V. whose whim, wit, and great good nature are not more esteemed, than his unaffected manners, and sincerity of disposition justly entitle him to.] Some one observed, "Matches are made in Heaven." "Yes," answered he, "and they are very often dipped in the other place." Two men contending at a tavern upon the point of who wrote that beautiful song on Ingratitude, "Blow, blow, thou wintry wind!" one said Ben Jonson; the other said Shakspeare. R.V. to adjust their differences, observed, "They must have written it between them, for each was a-verse to ingratitude." A fat gentleman who was at a loss for the name of the nobleman who was shut up in a tower and starved to death, applied to the punster—"You-go-lean-O!" was the reply. "A tailor is the ninth part of a man," observed a would-be-wit, in the presence of a knight of the sheers: "But," answered R.V. "a fool's no part at all." "He that will pun will pick a pocket," observed an old cynic. "You speak from experience," was the stopper to this vinegar cruet. Rhodes, the punning landlord of the Coal Hole tavern, took the Bell Inn at Hammersmith: R.V. hoped that as he had so long answered the bell, the Bell would now answer him. One asked him what works he had in the press. "Why, the History of the Bank, with notes; the Art of Cookery, with plates; and the Science of Single Stick, with wood cuts." A person told him that Louis dix-huit, when he entered London, put up at Grillon's hotel. "I am surprised at that," said he; "his father took his chop at Hatchett's." A barber recommended him his aromatic essence for the improvement of his hair. "No, no; don't waste your fragrance on the desert hair." A friend remarked of a gentleman with very large curly whiskers, that he said nothing. "Poor fellow; don't you see he's lock-jawed?" "How well you put on your cravat," said a crony: "that tie's something new."—"Yes; it's a novel-tie." He pacified a quarrelsome fellow one evening by observing, "I should not like to go up in a balloon with you, for fear of our falling out." Seeing a porter bring in an edition of a new work of his from the press to his bookseller, "Dear me!" he exclaimed, "what a weight is off my mind." "What a swell you are in your new frock coat," said a quiz to him one day. "Don't you like it?—I do: indeed I'm quite wrapped up in it." The same person meeting him one day in the city, observing he had on a new waistcoat, asked if it was a city cut. "No," answered he, "it's a west-cut." Dining at the Wrekin tavern, he asked for a wine glass: the waiter, in bringing it, inadvertently let it fall—"Zounds! I did not ask you for a tumbler!" Sitting in company with one of those people who find fault with every thing, good, bad, or indifferent, he could not refrain from quizzing the old fellow. "True, true; we have nothing new or good now-a-days: Waterloo bridge is a catchpenny, Herschell's telescope all my eye, the steam engine a bottle of smoke, and the safety-coach a complete take in." Bearcroft the classic observed to him, that learning was pabulum animi, food of the mind. "Yes," On George the Fourth landing at Calais in 1820, the wind was so boisterous as to blow off his foraging cap, greatly inconveniencing him: a brave officer, Captain Jones of the Brunswicks, who stood near, presented His Majesty with his own, which the King graciously accepted, and wore until he got to his carriage. This drew from him the following impromptu: "Whether in peace or war, He blamed a friend for dedicating a very clever work to a certain nobleman, notorious for his stupidity. "My book wanted a title," was the reply. "Oh!" he observed, "but it might otherwise have been peer-less." On Sir Robert Wilson's motion for investigating the affair that deprived him of his rank as General being lost, he lamented it as very hard that they should refuse him "even a major-ity." Being proposed a member of the Phoenix Club, he asked when they met:—"Every Saturday evening during the winter."—"Then," said he, "I shall never make a Phoenix, for I can't rise from the fire." Blank Page llustration NORBURYANA CONTAINING A RICH SELECTION OF LORD NORBURY'S BEST PUNS, Pure as Imported. THE PUNNING LAWYERS. The counsel archly crack their joke A good Pun has, from time immemorial, been quite as admissible in our courts of law, as a good plea; and not unusually has proved successful with the feelings of a jury, when the latter, left entirely to the more weighty arguments of precedents and rejoinder, would only have produced a temporary suspension of the understanding. Lord Norbury's talent as a punster is proverbial, and his wit upon all occasions as clear as his judgments are sound: scarcely a packet of Irish papers arrive in the sister kingdom, but the first inquiry of the humourist is after the last good thing of the Chief Justice's; and, if he fails to encounter a new pun, he retreats homewards like a city sportsman, without game for the morrow; for pun-less, he is quite as It is one of the evils attending eminence in any art, that many loose performances will be attributed to genius, for the sake of notoriety, which would cause a blush upon the cheek of the talented individual under whose cognomen they are surreptitiously launched forth into public life. Every new pun, made by the Emeralders, whether invented in the Four Courts of Dublin, or at the midnight orgies held in the broad and narrow Courts of London, at the Fives Court or the Tennis Court, the King's Court, or the Courts of law and equity, are all heaped upon the great original, Lord Norbury; who has, in consequence, as many sins of this sort to bear with, as any criminal that ever appeared before his legal tribunal. In selecting from an accredited stock, the compiler of this little book has endeavoured to affix to the Noble Punster, only, the legitimate offspring of his own creation; or at least such, if any one has stolen in, as may not disgrace his witty family. LORD NORBURY'S MOTTO Is, "Right can never die;" then, said his lordship, punning thereon, "right must be left for ever." AN AMOROUS PUN. "Who is that lovely girl?" exclaimed Lord Norbury, riding in company with his friend Counsellor Grahaarty. "Miss Glass," replied the barrister. "Glass!" reiterated the facetious judge; "by the love which man bears to woman, I should often become intoxicated, could I press such a glass to my lips!" THE JOKER'S RETORT. The numerous and severe animadversions on Lord Norbury in the Imperial Parliament, only afforded his Lordship an opportunity for a supplemental criticism, viz. "That the English Broom (Brougham) wanted an Irish stick to it;" an appendage which, in the early part of his Lordship's career, he certainly would have been very ready to furnish. PENCILING WITH A PICKAXE. The late Counsellor Egan, well known by the appellation of Bully Egan, from his rough courage, got into the Irish parliament during the administration of the late Marquis of Rockingham, and joined with the Whigs of that day in a most outrageous opposition to the administration of the noble Marquis, upon the question of regency, when TIME AND ETERNITY. On passing sentence of death upon a prisoner who had been convicted of privately stealing a time piece, Lord Norbury, after dwelling upon the enormity of his crime, concluded a very impressive speech by observing, that he had been grasping at time, and caught eternity. THE CANAL AND LOCKS. Meeting with a lady in Dublin who was possessed of considerable property in a distant part of the country, and in whose welfare he had taken great interest, particularly during the progress of a bill through parliament for draining her lands, he accosted her, "Ah, my dear Mrs. G——, how d'ye do?—how goes on your water ways?—I must come and take a view of your little canal and locks." DROPPING THE SUBJECT. A man having been capitally convicted before Lord Norbury, was, as usual, asked what he had to say why judgment of death should not pass against him—"Say!" replied he, "why, I think the joke has been carried far enough already, and the less that is said about it the better; so if you please, my lord, we'll drop the subject." "The subject may drop," replied his lordship. JAM SATIS. A gentleman helping his Lordship to some pie made of raspberry jam, inquired if he would have some more fruit? "Jam satis," replied the punster. THE CRITICS CURTAILED. "Lord Byron calls his abusers dogs," said a friend to Lord Norbury; "No doubt he wishes them and their censures cur-tailed," was the reply. SHAKE-SPEARE. Riding one day with a friend of the name of Speare, whose horse appeared to jolt him very much, his Lordship could not help observing it. "He is young, and awkward in his paces, but may mend," said Speare. "By the bye, my Lord, I want a name for him." "It must be Shake-speare, then," retorted his Lordship. KING AND JAMES, THE DUBLIN LORD MAYORS. Sir Abraham Bradley King, Lord Mayor of Dublin, declined, through prudential motives, from giving, during his mayoralty, the Orange toast, so offensive to the King James's party. James, the next Lord Mayor, was not so particular, but gave it at his first dinner. Lord Norbury, who was present, could not help observing, "You are no friend to King,—James." Lord Norbury calling one day on Mrs. O'Connor, the mattrass-maker in Sackville Street, Dublin, who is a very pretty woman, remonstrated with her on having so long delayed sending home his order: "Sure your Lordship," said the good woman, with great naivetÉ, "there's no curled hair to be had now in Dublin, neither for love nor money." "By the powers above," replied his Lordship, looking amorously, "but it was very plentiful in this city, Mrs. O'Connor, when I was a curly boy." TRIAL OF A HORSE. Late on a Saturday evening, as Lord Norbury had concluded charging the jury, after a laborious and long trial, when they retired to make up their verdict, a barrister got up to make a motion respecting a horse, that had been returned to a jockey for not being sound. His lordship complained of his being much tired after the business of the day, and begged they would postpone the business till Monday. The lawyer, anxious to push forward the business, said it would only occupy him a few minutes to try it. His Lordship rising, said in his usual dry way: "Gentlemen, to-morrow is a holiday; you will have time and leisure to try the horse yourselves." A DRY WIPE. Lord Norbury being in company with some lawyers, was asked, had he seen a pamphlet that was written by O'Grady, in which he was reflected on? replied, "Yes, yes, I took it to the water-closet with me." When told who was the author, he replied, "Ha! I did not think my friend Grady intended me such a wipe." HOW TO CUT A FIGURE IN THE TEMPLE. Lord Norbury, while indisposed, was troubled with a determination of blood to the head. Surgeon Carrol accordingly opened the temporal artery; and whilst attending to the operation, his Lordship said to him, "Carrol, I believe you were never called to the bar?" "No, my Lord, I never was," replied the surgeon.—"Well, I am sure, Doctor, I can safely say you have cut a figure in the Temple." THE GAME JOKE. On being informed, last autumn, of the elopement of Mrs. Moore, whose maiden name was Woodcock, Lord Norbury said, "Then we must look out our fleecy hosiery."—"Why so, my Lord?" "Because it is an unerring symptom of a sudden, long, and severe winter to see, so early in the season, the Woodcocks forsake the Moors." MAJESTICALLY MOUNTED. Lord Norbury, meeting the Marchioness of Conyngham and Lady Elizabeth riding on horseback in the Phoenix Park, took occasion to admire the beauty of their horses: "The gift of His Majesty," said her Ladyship artlessly: "and Lady Elizabeth's is also a royal present."—"Then I understand," said Lord Norbury, "His Majesty mounts you both." A SPORTING PUN. A gentleman on circuit narrating to his Lordship some extravagant feat in sporting, mentioned that he had lately shot thirty-three hares before breakfast.—"Thirty-three hares!" exclaimed Lord Norbury: "Zounds, Sir! then you must have been firing at a wig." THE FEMALE LINGUIST. A report having reached his Lordship that a female pedant, who was well known as a blue stocking and linguist, was about to be married, he observed, "He could answer for her disposition to conjugate, but feared she would have no opportunity of declining." HOPE AND JOY. At a trial in the Irish Court, Mr. Hope, an eminent attorney, being employed as agent in a certain cause, apologized to the court for the absence of Mr. Joy, his counsel, requesting that it would delay for a few minutes, till Mr. Joy, who was engaged in another court, would return. Some time having elapsed, Lord Norbury addressed the bar, saying, "Gentlemen, I think we had better proceed with the business of the day—although 'Hope told a flattering tale, A RUM WITNESS SENT TO QUOD. A witness being interrogated by Lord Norbury, in a manner not pleasing to him, turned to an acquaintance, and told him in a half whisper, that he did not come there to be queered by the old one. Lord Norbury heard him, and instantly replied in his own cant, "I'm old, 'tis true, and I'm rum sometimes—and for once I'll be queer, and send you to quod." A LATE DINNER. Mr. Curran was to dine with Lord Norbury, when Mr. Toler. His dinner hours were late, which Mr. Curran always disliked. Mr. Toler was going to take his ride, and meeting Mr. Curran walking towards his house, said, "Do not forget, Curran, you dine with me to-day." "I rather fear, my friend," replied Mr. Curran, "it will be so long first, that you may forget it." CUT AND COME AGAIN. In a celebrated trial, wherein Mr. Trumble was plaintiff, and Mr. Allpress of Abbey-street, defendant, before Lord Norbury and a special jury, Mr. Serjeant Johnson, Counsellor Leland, and one or two more very fat barristers were employed for the defendant. The opposite bar were remarkably thin spare men, viz. Messrs. Goold, North, Pennyfather, &c. Mr. Johnson, in defending his client from paying a penal rent, in the heat of argument said, "My Lord and gentlemen of the jury, the opposite party stand forth like Shylock in the play, with their knife outstretched to cut from us the very pound of flesh!" Lord Norbury very tritely interrupted the learned serjeant by saying, "Mr. Johnson, the opposite bar perhaps conceive you can spare it better." A NOTE TAKER TRANSPORTED. When it was told to Lord Norbury, that sentence of transportation to Botany Bay was passed upon the notorious Mr. Smith, who had been detected in clandestinely pocketing some notes off the vestry-room table, after the collection for the Charity Schools of St. Michael's Church, in November 1819, he jocosely replied, "that he thought it very hard, as it was no uncommon thing to have note takers at all such public meetings." CLOSE SHAVING. The Persian Ambassador having, among other public places, visited the Irish Courts of Justice, in November Term of 1819, coming into the Court of Common Pleas whilst it was sitting, the business was suspended for a short time, to view so extraordinary a personage, he being fully dressed in the eastern costume, long beard, &c. After he had retired, one of the Judges asked Lord Norbury what he thought of him, his Lordship wittily replied, "he might be a very clever man, but he was certain he was not a close shaver." THE RACKET COURT. The counsel in the Irish courts are not always so decorous and attentive as they should be. During POT LUCK. A certain Irish musical amateur, who was very irritable, had a party of vocal and instrumental friends on a particular evening in every week at his own house; when some wags, more desirous of promoting discord than harmony, used to assemble under his windows, making the most hideous noises, or in the Irish phraseology, "giving him a shaloo," upon which the amateur dislodged the contents of a certain chamber utensil upon the heads of some passers by, but unfortunately missed his persecutors. For this assault an action was brought and tried before Lord Norbury, who, in summing up the case to the jury, good humouredly observed, "that the plaintiffs must be considered in the light of uninvited guests, and it could not be denied that they had been treated by the defendant with pot-luck." In a humorous trial between the rival managers, LORD NORBURY'S EPITAPH. SAID TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY HIMSELF He's dead! alas, facetious punster, Blank Page THE SPORTING PUNSTERS.
By Bernard Blackmantle. ON SIR THOMAS MORE, LORD CHANCELLOR OF ENGLAND.
R.B. SHERIDAN'S EPIGRAM ON PITT.
ON "RECOLLECTIONS OF LORD BYRON, BY THE LATE R.C. DALLAS, EDITED BY HIS SON."
DEAN SWIFT'S BARBER. Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public house. "And what's your sign?" said the Dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if your worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The Dean took out his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's sign:
G. COLMAN TO MISS M. TREE, Impromptu, on Miss M. Tree's intended marriage and retirement from the stage.
TO CAPTAIN PARRY, THE POLAR NAVIGATOR, On his giving a Fete on board the Hecla.
SAM ROGERS TO CHARLES LAMB. Elia's Pen.
FRI v. DAY.
TO THE LATE MR. COUTTS. Written at Holly Lodge, Highgate, by the Duke of Gordon, and presented in the Drawing-room by the Marquis of Huntley.
TO MRS. COUTTS, THE GAY WIDOW.
IMPROMPTU, BY LORD ERSKINE TO LADY PAYNE, ON BEING TAKEN ILL AT HER HOUSE.
TO C.J. FOX, ON HIS MARRIAGE.
TO JOSEPH HUME, ON HIS ORATORY.
COWPER'S HOMER.
TO LORD NELSON. BY PETER PINDAR. With his Lordship's night-cap, that caught fire on the Poet's head, as he was reading in bed at Merton.
ON THE COUNTESS OF B——, WHO WAS RUINED AT THE GAMING TABLE. Card-table epitaph.
ADAM AND MACADAM.
THE INQUEST, BY E. KNIGHT, COMEDIAN. A hint to clever men employed on such occasions.
BY HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS THE DUKE OF SUSSEX. Royal Pun-Dit.
TO HOWARD PAYNE, THE COMPILER OF "BRUTUS."
DR. WALCOT TO SHIELD THE COMPOSER. The following was sent to Shield, the ingenious Composer, for his Ivory Ticket of admission to a Concert, by his friend Peter Pindar.
BY LORD BYRON, On Southey's house being on fire.
GEORGE TIERNEY, M.P. The Inclosure Bill.
ON THE MARRIAGE OF MISS LITTLE, A lady remarkably short in stature.
ON SIGNOR B. OF THE KING'S THEATRE, WHO RAN AWAY FROM HIS CREDITORS.
SHERIDAN AND HIS SON TOM.
BY LORD HARBOROUGH.
ON A PAINTED FAIR.
CURRAN'S DEFINITION OF AN EPIGRAM.
ON A MISER NAMED MORE.
ON THE LATE JOHN KEMBLE. Written during the O.P. contest.
MAIDS AND BACHELORS.
ON SEEING A SWAGGERING VICAR AND PHYSICIAN ARM IN ARM.
ONE LAWYER MORE.
PERCY BYSHE SHELLEY TO A SCOTCH CRITIC.
DAVID DOUBLE'S PETITION TO ONE OF THE INNS OF COURT.
ON A MR. HOMER'S BANKRUPTCY.
WALKING FOR LIFE. On a Gentleman bringing on a severe fit of illness, by an excess in walking exercise, in order to preserve his health.
A SPIRIT ABOVE AND A SPIRIT BELOW. On a Methodist Chapel, the vaults under which were used as wine cellars:
THE UPPER ROOMS AND THE OLD ROOMS, BATH.
ON A LEFT-HANDED WRITING-MASTER.
PRINTER'S KISS.
TO A DOUBTFUL MILITARY CHARACTER.
THE FOUR AGES OF WOMAN. From the French.
THE FEMALE CARD PLAYER AND HER GARDENER. On a Lady far advanced in years, who was a great Card-player, having married her Gardener.
THE BENCHERS OF THE TEMPLE. The Lamb and the Horse being their Insignia.
ON SIR ISAAC NEWTON.
TO CERTAIN FAIR MARRIED LIBERTINES.
ON GRIEVES'S BRUSH.
ON THE HYDE PARK ACHILLES.
EPIGRAMS BY W. R. V. On reading that Madame Fodor had endangered her life by drinking vinegar to reduce her shape.
On seeing Mrs. Siddons at Covent-Garden Theatre, on the first night of the appearance of Miss Dance.
On seeing Miss Foote in the part of Ariel, so exquisitely played by Miss Tree.
On the Commons passing the Catholic Bill one day, and on the next throwing out a Toll for passing Blackfriars Bridge.
On reading that Captain Parry embarked on board the "Fury" Discovery Ship early in Passion Week.
On reading in the Paper a supposition that Shakspeare was lame.
ON THE NEW CROWN-PIECE; The Sovereign's name being cut George IIII. and not as heretofore George IV. with a laurel wreath.
IMPROMPTU On Captain Fitz-Clarence's life being preserved by the interposition of Serjeant Legge, at the capture of the Conspirators in Cato Street.
MATTHEWS'S APOLOGY FOR A BAD COAT.
TO A PEDANT WHO WORE A PIGTAIL.
ON THE FILTHY STATE OF THE PAVEMENT DURING THE LATE RAINS.
TO THE AUTHOR OF "PEN OWEN."
ON BOCHSA'S DELUGE, LED BY SMART.
"Leave off your puns," said Jack to Bill, A PUNSTER'S EPITAPH ON HIS DOG.
Bernard Blackmantle. Blank Page PUNSTER'S COURT; OR, THE CONTEST BETWEEN JANUS AND PAN. VERSIFIED FROM SWIFT. For Illustration, see Vignette to Title. Great Plato and Homer, and half a score sages, PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND PURPOSES; OR, JOKES FOR EVERY DAY IN THE YEAR.
PUNNING AT BACKGAMMON. Two scholars of Brazen Nose College, Oxford, playing at backgammon, a third came in to size, that is, to obtrude for a dinner. The owner of the room throwing the dice, and addressing himself alternately to his visitors, said "If I bate you an ace, A NEGATIVE PUN. "I am happy, Ned, to hear the report that you have succeeded to a large landed property!" "And I am sorry, Tom, to tell you that it is groundless." A PUN.—THE ORIGIN OF THE PAPAL POWER. In the Latin version of the Bible there is the following passage:—Tu es Petrus, et super hanc petram Ædificabo meam ecclesiam. The French, in rendering these words into their own tongue, convert them into a proof that St. Peter was the corner stone here spoken of—Tu es Pierre, et sur cette pierre j'edifierai mon eglise!!! A MAN-MILLINER'S PUN. An amateur, famous for taking a front seat in the pit the first night of a new opera, was dreadfully annoyed one night by the big drum, opposite to whose "loud sounds" he was unfortunately placed. He expressed his uneasiness so frequently, that the performer made use of the word "man-milliner" once or twice, in derision of his tender auriculars. "Man-milliner!" said the gentleman, "I am none, but you're the vilest tambour-worker I ever met with." A BACKSLIDER'S PUN. A gentleman asked another if he would have a skait on the Serpentine;—"Most certainly; but I can't trust to my soles and heels: besides, I should lose my character."—"Lose your character!"—"Aye, I should become a back-slider."—"Oh," answered his friend, "come along; you'll do, if you commence on fundamental principles." AN HERALDIC PUN. A gentleman employing a porter whose name was Russel, asked him jocularly, "Pray is your coat of arms the same with the duke of Bedford's?" "Our arms (answered the fellow) are, I suppose, pretty much alike; but there is a confounded difference in our coats." A CANONICAL PUN. A canon of Exeter Cathedral died a few weeks since; a gentleman, crossing the Cathedral-yard in that city, accidentally met a friend, to whom he said—"So, Canon H—— is dead!"—"Indeed!" replied the other, "I was not aware that cannons went off in that way."—"Yes, they do," rejoined the first, "for I have just heard the report!" AN APOTHECARY'S PUN. "Does your husband expectorate?" said an apothecary to a poor Irish woman who had long visited his shop for her sick husband—"Expect to ate, yer honour—no sure, and Paddy does not expect to ate—he's nothing at all to ate!" The humane man sent a large basin of mixture from a tureen of soup then smoking on his table. A BITTER PUN. An apothecary asserted that all bitter things were hot. "Pardon me, (said his friend), this is a bitter cold day." A SMUGGLER'S PUN. When the Custom-house corps first made their public appearance, it was observed by one, that they looked as formidable as so many Alexanders. "Rather say," said another, "that they appear more like Seizers," (CÆsars.) COLLEGE PUN UPON PUN. Two Oxonians dining together, one of them noticing a spot of grease on the neckcloth of his companion, said, "I see you are a Grecian."—"Pooh!" said the other, "that's far-fetched."—"No, indeed," says the punster, "I made it on the spot." A CRANIOLOGICAL PUN. A craniologist and a disciple of Lavater disputing the merits of their several professions; says the Skullist, "What we cannot get into their noddles, we get out of them."—"Yes," says the physiognomist, "God help the heads saddled with such a theory! for whilst one galls, t'other spurs 'em." A CITY PUN. A wag, upon seeing the name of "Mr. Ledger, conductor of the Albion Library," in the list of deaths, observed, "Ah! poor fellow! his day-book's closed, and he's posted, I suppose, to his long account."—"By no means improbable," said another, "seeing he was engaged in book-keeping all his life!" A PHYSICAL PUN. A gentleman dreadfully ill was recommended to a celebrated physician—"Oh," replies he, "I have called several times, but he's always out." "Why then," observes his friend, "try another." "Who?" "Who! why Sir Ever-hard-Home." A COLLEGE PUN. A prize was offered in a certain society sacred to the Latin classics, for the best "Carmen" to celebrate Christmas. A jocose tradesman, in the city, sent the meeting two of his carters, saying, he knew no better carmen in the world to celebrate the festive season, as they had been "keeping it up" for the last fortnight. A LADY'S PUN. A very agreeable lady of the name of Riggs, being one season at Margate, in the house with six others, her relations, and only one gentleman to attend the whole; when one regretting that they had not more of the male creation, she replied, "If we complain of not being well manned, I am sure we are well rigged." A COBBLER'S PUN. A man in the city, amongst many curiosities, exhibited the identical boot worn by Frederick the Great. A gentleman viewing it, asked where the bullet wound was; "Och, (said the fellow from the sister country) it's been healed lately." A JUDICIAL PUN. One Hog was to be tried before Judge Bacon, who told him he was his kinsman. "Well (replied the learned judge), no hog can become bacon till he is hanged, and then I'll allow your claim." A BACCHANALIAN PUN. A jolly vicar, in a state of inebriety, making a zig-zag course to his house, was asked by a friend who met him, whence he came? He said, "I have been spinning out the evening with my neighbour Freeport."—"And now (replied the other), you are reeling it home." A GERMAN PUN. A young man of the name of CÆsar having married a young lady called Rome, a wag wrote upon his door, "Cave, CÆsar, ne tua Roma fiat respublica." A WHISTLING PUN. A youth was incurably addicted to the vile sin of punning. His father, who detested a pun not less than old Mr. Shandy himself, imposed a fine of half a crown for each commission of this offence. One day the father and son passing along, saw a man in the pillory. The punster could scarcely refrain from a pun with which he was big. The presence of dad, however, restraining his tongue, he indulged his wit by whistling, "Through the wood, laddie." A MANAGER'S PUN. A new comedy, on its third representation, being thinly attended, the author observed that it was all owing to the war. "No (said the manager) I fear it is owing to the piece." THE ANTIGALLICAN PUN. A Frenchman in a coffee-house called for a gill of wine, which was brought him in a glass. He said it was the French custom to bring wine in a measure. The waiter answered, "Sir, we wish for no French measures here." A CLERICAL PUN. A person asked the minister of his parish what was meant by "He was clothed with curses as with a garment."—"My good friend (said the minister), it means that he had got a habit of swearing." A SELFISH PUN. A certain tavern-keeper, who opened an oyster-shop as an appendage to his other establishment, was upbraided by a neighbouring oyster-monger, as being ungenerous and selfish. "And why (said he), would you not have me sell-fish?" A GAMBLING PUN. At a ball given lately by a very rich individual, M. de C. found himself vis-À-vis at a table d'ÉcartÉ, with a valet-de-chambre whom he had turned away some days before. "This time at least," said M. A STAYMAKER'S PUN. A poor corset-maker, out of work, and starving, thus vented his miserable complaint: "Shame that I should be without bread; I that have stayed the stomachs of thousands!" CLERICAL PUNS. At a church in Ireland, where there was a popular call for a minister, as it is termed, two candidates offered to preach, whose names were Adam and Low. The latter preached in the morning, and took for his text, "Adam, where art thou?" He made a very excellent discourse, and the congregation were much edified. In the afternoon Mr. Adam preached upon these words, "Lo! here am I." The impromptu and the sermon gained him the appointment. HORNE TOOKE'S PEDIGREE. Horne Tooke having, in a political argument, obtained an advantage over his opponent, concluded by saying, "his irritable friend looked as red with vexation as a Turkey Cock." The other, thinking to wound his feelings by a cutting retort to this sarcasm, observed "that he dared to say Mr. Tooke A JOE MUNDEN. It being told the comedian, during his stay at Brighton, that Mrs. Coutts had offered five thousand pounds for Byam-House, Munden exclaimed, "My wigs and eyes! five thousand pounds to buy-a-mouse! What the devil will the woman do next?" PARISIAN PUNS. 1. The Count de Sedan held that little state as a fief of the crown of France, of which he was in other respects a subject. Louis XIV. wishing to put his paw upon this domain, had the Count arrested and clapped into the Bastille, on a supposed charge of treason. The result was, that, in order to save his life, he gave up his possessions; on which the wits of Paris made this pun—"Il donnoit Sedan (ses dents) pour sauver sa tÊte." 2. Madame de Stael has been much admired for her handsome figure, and particularly her fine arm, but unfortunately disfigured by her deformed foot. Being in a gallery at Paris, where there was an empty pedestal, vain of her person, she mounted, and placed herself in an attitude to display her 3. Mons. St. Priest, who had been ambassador from the court of France to the Ottoman Porte, was afterwards sent, in a diplomatic capacity, to the Hague; but on account of some ceremonial being neglected, he refused to enter the gates of that place. This gave occasion to the wits of Paris to observe, that he was still "ambassadeur À la Porte." COMMERCIAL PUNS. FROM "TRAVELLER'S HALL," "English Spy." "I don't see the bee's wing in this port, Mr. Blackstrap, that you are bouncing about," said a London traveller to a timber merchant. "No, sir," said the humourist, "it is not to be seen until you are a deal higher in spirits; the film of the wing is seldom discernible in such mahogany-coloured wine as this." "Sir, I blush like rose-wood at your impertinence." "Ay, sir, and you'll soon be as red as logwood, or as black as ebony, if you will but do justice to the bottle," was the reply. "There is no being cross-grained with you," said A COCKNEY'S PUN. A Londoner told his friend that he was going to Margate for a change of hair; "You had better," said the other, "go to the wig-maker's shop." AN IRISH PUN. The two Taymen. About the time of the issue of the new crown-pieces, Messrs. Bish and Sparrow, the advertising tea-dealers, though strongly opposed to each other, for two of a trade never agree, set about, highly to their credit, a reformation in the price and quality of the "fragrant lymph." An old Irish woman, fond of a cup of "good mixed," thought, what much more sensible people do, that the above worthies were no less than patriots; but she even went further; on being asked by a neighbour the A SPORTING PUN. Managing the Pack. A country gentleman, who was celebrated for taking the lead with some of the first-rate hunts, became so much reduced in circumstances by his attachment to gaming, as to accept the office of dealer at a gambling table. A friend (like Matthews's Dr. Prolix), with infinite promptitude, observed, "that he continued to follow his old predilection, for he still managed the pack." "BULL'S" PUNS ON THE LATE PANIC AMONG THE BANKERS. "In the city, while Currie was Raiking together his cash, Sir John Lubbock Fostered his Clarkes; Sir William Kay knew his Price; Rogers felt Toogood to smash; one house in Fleet-street Praed to get through it; and while another chuckled like a Child, the Goslings were looking Sharp after their concerns—poor Hodsoll," added the dunce, "was obliged to give up his Stirling capital; but Stevenson knew his partner was worth his Salt; Dorien, Magens, and Dorien, got Mello with rejoicing, and Jansen was never near being 'done "At the west end of the town, though Scott Claude up his money at the moment, he soon began to pay again; Kinnaird said he could Ransom his credit whenever he chose; while the other house in Pall-mall declared they had More-land than would settle the claims of all their creditors; and although Marten expected a Call on Arnold, they were equally steady with the house of Cocks (part-Ridges) at Charing-cross, who crowed most lustily at their own stability; every body knows, said the wag, that Green-wood never breaks, and as for Thomas's in Henrietta-street, it was very soon ascertained that there, all was Wright." A HARROW PUN. Receiving a youth back who has been expelled for a misdemeanour, upon condition that he be severely flogged, appears to be a very odd mode of healing the breech. A SOLDIER'S PUN. The peculiar new mode of drilling the soldiers in St. James's Park, ought, from the variety of their evolutions, to be termed quadrilling. A PROFESSIONAL PUN. Speaking of professions, there must be somebody in every way. "Ay," replied Taylor the flute player, "and there is a great number of folks in one another's way." A MUSICAL PUN. To make a competent double bass player, it requires a head-piece, while a wind instrument performer wants only a mouth-piece (i. e. a reed). A BREAD AND MEAT PUN. A needy adventurer coming to London, who was very thin, observed to S. Taylor, that he only wanted to pick up a little bread among the musical profession; to which the joker replied, "If you can pick up a little flesh at the same time, it will not be amiss." A PUN UPON MY HONOR! A person who was addicted to "pledge his honor" upon all occasions, observed, on looking through the window, "It rains, upon my honor." "Yes," said Taylor, "and it will rain upon MY honor if I go out." CLASSICAL PUN. "Do you know," said an Oxonian to his friend, "why an acre of land bought on a stipulation to A WARM PUN. "You are never witty," said a friend, "until you are well warmed with wine." "That may be," replied the punster: "but it is no reason, good sir, that I am to be well-roasted." THE EXCISE-OFFICE v. THE STAMP-OFFICE. Foster, the oboe player, of Drury Lane Theatre (and who also belonged to the Excise Office) happened one day, at a rehearsal, to be playing rout of time. Shaw, the leader, began to stamp violently, and said, "Why don't you play in better time, you member of the Excise Office?" Upon which Foster replied, "None of your jeers to members of the Excise Office: you seem to be a member of the Stamp Office yourself." HARPING UPON A FIGURE. A professional harpist (who was a very incompetent performer), one night at Drury Lane Theatre, boasted of the elegant figure upon the head of his harp; observing that it cost him eight guineas the cutting of it. Foster immediately exclaimed, "Sir, if I play'd upon the harp, I would endeavour to cut a figure myself." A PUNSTER'S REQUISITES FOR AN M.P. "To get into the gallery of the House of Commons," said a punster, "a man must have the ribs of a rhinoceros; to obtain a good place in the body of the house, the qualities of a camelion; to secure a seat on the treasury bench, he must not fear to tread-a-wry. Opposition he must write thus—'oppo'-site—position; ministerial, men-who-steer-well. Private bills he may quote as examples of private punishment; the speaker's dinners, a speechless banquet, where every guest leaves politics for polite-tricks. To speak well and long, you must display artificial feelings, have leathern lungs, a face of brass, an elephant's sagacity, and a lion's courage; and, with all these qualifications, you may perchance be considered bearable; without them you are certain to come in for a scrape A PUNSTER'S APHORISMS. If you mean to be a domestic animal, never marry a woman of a wild disposition. An ugly helpmate, though she may have the wealth of Plutus, and the virtues of an angel, can never be considered as a Bernard Blackmantle. TARTANI'S DREAM—A TAIL PIECE.
Blank Page PUNNING ESSAY ON THE ANTIQUITY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE, BY THE AUTHOR OF 'MY POCKET-BOOK Originally printed as one of Dean Swift's Three Manuscripts, discovered at St. Patrick's Abbey. A FRAGMENT. We observe in Homer's Batrachomyomachia, that the instant the frog Calaminthius sees the mouse Pternoglyphus, he is so frightened that he abandons his shield and jumps into the lake: and this confirms our etymology of the mouse's name, Turn ugly face. In the same poem, also, we find a warrior-mouse called Lichenor, which some, who, like certain commentators on Shakspeare, will always be running to the Greek for interpretations, consider as signifying one addicted to licking, but here we see the imbecility of foreign resources, and the great strength of our own. Their explanation is certainly something near the mark, but for a mouse, how much more germain to the matter is ours—Lick and gnaw? It is true, that I may have mistaken the sense of my opponents' language, but even granting them the full latitude of understanding by their words, as applied to our military mouse, that he was one addicted to licking or conquering, yet is it by no means so full and expressive as it appears in our exposition. Besides, it must be remembered that Lichenor was not so much "addicted to licking" as to being licked, witness the frog Hypsiboas's running him through the body with a rush. See I. 202. At v. 244, we have the mouse Sitophagus, who like many a soldier of modern times had recourse to his heels and betook himself to a snug dry ditch—[Greek: Êlato d'es taphon]. I had always some suspicion that this name was particularly corrupted in the last syllable, and the foregoing circumstance has, fortunately for the literary world, furnished me with a conjecture that seems to place the etymology of this coward's title beyond all doubt:—Set off again—his invariable custom on these occasions, which was perhaps owing to his having studied the art militaire in Hudibras, where he learnt that ——Timely running's no mean part Sitophagus, from Set off again, is perfectly within the canon of parcÈ detorta, which it may not be amiss here to repeat: "New words are allowable, if they descend," says Horace, "from the English So Horace doubtless wrote, and thus I always read the passage, correcting the corruption (GrÆco fonte) which has so long obtained, to the injury of truth and good letters. I have neither leisure nor inclination to go through the whole of the names of the heroes in Homer's battle of the frogs and mice; nor is it necessary, for it must be apparent to every ingenuous critic that they are all derived from one source. Such, however, as occur to me elsewhere, and are thought by many to have very different roots, I shall notice for the purpose of dispelling the clouds of error, and restoring the light of truth. Pallas. This word should be written thus 'Pallas, with an apostrophe, as in the instance of 'fore for afore. Its origin then clearly appears. The goddess was so called on account of the Gorgon's head on her shield, that had the power of killing or turning into stone, which was indeed enough to Appal us. In a very singular work, printed in 1611, and entitled Stafford's Niobe, I find something like an attempt to prove that the goddess of wisdom acquired the name of Pallas from the Paleness she occasions in her followers. The author's words are simply, "Pallas, whose liverie is paleness," which, if allowed to have any etymological Venus, from wean us, as it is even now elegantly pronounced by many. As the heavenly Venus had that power with the Gods, so has each earthly one with us, namely, to wean us from all other earthly things, and hence the undoubted derivation. ??e??, or Egemon, with the Greeks, meant a general, and is very evidently borrowed from a vulgar phrase amongst us, most pointedly significant of the office of a general, with respect to his soldiers, viz. to egg 'em on. It will be observed, that I have sunk the aspirate, which is a mere vulgarism in the Greek speaker, as in such instances as the following amongst ours, viz. "Hi ham" for I am. Macrones, a people on the confines of Colchis, and I should suppose, though Flaccus does not mention it, and I have no leisure to turn to Herodotus, remarkable for their partiality to dress, since the word is clearly an abbreviated pronunciation of Macaronies. Celsus. This philosopher composed a treatise against the Christians, which having a good sale, one of the Christians, in a merry mood, said, he sells us, and from that moment he bore his present name. L. Mummius, a Roman consul, who acquired his cognomen of mummius, or mummy us, from being sent against the AchÆans, whom he beat most unmercifully. Boreas. This wind was long without a name, until the people feeling its northern blasts exceedingly troublesome, would be continually crying, "how they bore us!" which in time gave rise to the word boreas, Philostratus. A famous sophist, and very liberal and expensive in his entertainments, from which circumstance his friends very properly gave him the cognomen of fill us, treat us. The penultimate of Philostratus is short in its derived state, but this is a liberty perfectly excusable in these cases, and coming assuredly under the description of parcÈ detorta. Mannus. It is imagined that this divinity obtained his name from having once undertaken to furnish some fleet with men; but from being a German God, and for other reasons, I confess that I have no great faith in this etymology. Æsymnus. This anxious politician's consulting Apollo, according to Pausanias, on the subject of legislation, made the witlings of his time call the God his nurse, and then in ridicule exclaim ease him nurse, which speaks for itself. Bacchus, or Back us; and admirably so called, be Confucius. About the etymology of the title of this famous Chinese philosopher, we are much in the dark; but it seems in the greatest degree probable that he obtained it from being a philosopher of the modern description, who put every thing into confusion. Damon. This poet received his name from a circumstance that attended his banishment from Athens. When the sentence was brought to him, he began d—ning and swearing most bitterly, on which the officer, a rough fellow, said, "Oh, you may Damn on as long as you like, it does not signify, you must go." And go he did, but still swearing; and the people, who are tickled with a feather, hearing the officer's observations repeated, nicknamed him Damon, or as it was formerly written and spoken, Dammon. Alala. The goddess of war. See Plutarch de Glor. Athen. So called because the moment she took the field on any side, that side had the battle all hollow. Æsacus. He persecuted a nymph so much who did not like him, that she at last plunged into the sea, and was metamorphosed into a parrot, and in that state still continued to exclaim, as she was wont, he's a curse, which soon became the lover's appellation. Titans. A title given to the sons of Coelus and Terra, by Saturn, when they warred against him. They were at first known as Hyperion, Briareus, &c.; but when the god heard that they were about to fight with him, he smiled, and cried, "Ay, ay,—ecod they're tight 'uns!" and this name has distinguished them ever since. The above word reminds me of an eastern one—[Hebrew: nodba] or Abaddon, which will as indubitably as a thousand instances of the like nature, prove the superior antiquity of the English language over that of the Jews, as well as that of the Greeks, and it is very probable, in an equal degree, over every other, dead or alive. Abaddon is a name belonging to the devil, and the most ignorant will not scruple to confess that they plainly perceive its expressive etymology in A bad 'un. In fine—sunt certi denique fines—There have been writers who have scarcely left Troy or its famous war "a local habitation and a name;" others go still further, and say that no such man as Homer, the author of the Iliad, ever existed; and a third party, proceeding another step, talk of proving incontestibly that there never were any ancients. But one wise man (with whom I am proud to join issue) positively affirms, that those who are called the ancients were born in the infancy of the world, and do not deserve the title, but that we who live in this enlightened age, with all the wisdom of past times at our command, are, truly speaking, the just and legitimate ancients. This, being reasonably substantiated, lends its powerful assistance to confirm the opinion respecting the prime antiquity of our native tongue, and I cannot conclude without indulging the irresistible impulse I feel to acknowledge, that I have no more doubt than I have with respect to any thing yet stated, that it will ultimately prove to be the universal language. EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER, BEING RULES FOR PUNNING, OR PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS. A FRAGMENT. "Comitantibus armis, PUNica se—attollet gloria." Virg. Æn. iv. Prefatory remarks on the art of punning—its antiquity from Homer's outis, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it—a lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well-known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, &c. An act to abolish punning would be the destruction of three-quarters of what are called the wits of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers. Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to punning—"Magister erat." In the rules divide thus—puns for every day, in one week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank held in the particular establishment, &c. &c. MASTER OF A FAMILY. First day—Sketch to be filled up. Sunday.—This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and puns—they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example to your family, but let them attend to the parson, you may be preparing puns against dinner-time, when you expect a party. The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that she should assist you—she is your help-mate. Connive together, and let her put leading questions. Half an hour before dinner—company come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs.—— observes, that she fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take Adam, the footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband immediately remarks, that Adam may be the first of men, but he is a damn slow fellow.
(A general laugh.) Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any thing more can be made of it. N.B. Hire no man unless his name is Adam, or he will suffer you to call him so. Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter, Lucy, because, if you are a profound scholar, you can frequently bring in "luce clarior." Your other girl, Sally, ran away with an apothecary. Mrs.—— will say this, and you'll exclaim, "Ah, Sal volatile!" Invite a poor French priest When you are to reply—"Yes, I believe they are all by the same mare, but I won't answer for the horse This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty joke indeed, if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling consideration. If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He who digs for diamonds must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs.—— may say, "My dear Tom, I wish the man would bring up the dinner."
(Mrs. —— rings the bell.)
(A crash heard as if an accident.)
Dinner—all seated.
[A universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.] Take care to have the salt-cellars put on the table empty.
[The Frenchman does not understand this, but he is to laugh heartily nevertheless.]
[Many opportunities will offer of making obscene puns, but I give no rules for these; they come naturally to every punster! All I shall say is, that they must never be neglected.] Let your cook be famous for pancakes. One of your little boys must inquire for some.
[Many more puns must be introduced. Champaign, real pain; after all cheese is best, &c.] The company will, probably, add some, and you may, also, by accident; however, you'll have this advantage over your friends, that you'll be certain of all these while you're with your wife, and at home. Your acquaintance, of course, have names, and if they have no other merit, it's very hard if you can't make something of them in the pun way. Any blockhead can do that. DESSERT.
By connivance with the Frenchman, he must offer you a pinch of Maccuba snuff, saying he's sorry it is not better, but his Tonquin bean has lost its flavour. You then reply—Ay, I see it's one of the has-beens.
The sweetmeats will be praised of course.
Ladies all rise.
The ladies gone, the gentlemen need no instructions. They will all have recourse to their mother tongue, and THE TEA TABLE.
[Miss Lucy plays on the piano-forte, but is to fail in her first attempt.]
If any thing like serious or sensible conversation should be introduced, and there's no knowing what some dull fellow may not do, put an end to it at once "Delphinis BalÆna Britannica major." Than Dolphins greater is the British Whale. Now something about going into Bedfordshire and the land of Nod will wind up what is commonly called a very pleasant day, full of wit, humour, and repartee. I must not forget to observe, that, if you can add any practical jokes, which lead to puns, and fall at all short of murder, the treat will be improved. Viz. Pinch a piece out of a man's arm, to say you did not know there was any harm. Break his shin—that's leg-al. Pull away his chair LONDON: PRINTED BY THOMAS DAVISON, WHITEFRIARS. CONTENTS. Page ILLUSTRATIONS. Page With Numerous Elegant Vignettes interspersed through the Work. TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES. Except for obvious typos and printer errors, which have been corrected without comment, the author's spelling, grammar, and use of punctuation are retained as in the original publication, with the following exceptions: Page44. Change cremona to Cremona. Page47. Change tory to Tory. Page52. Correct typo. Change recal to recall. Page 128. Opening quote added in the paragraph ending Page180. Correct typo. Change, to. There are three apparent printer errors in the list of illustrations. Although there are html links directing the reader to pages 70, 84, and 166, there are no illustrations on those pages in the original publication. |
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