  One summer day, poor little Cupid Sat sadly poring o’er his slate. “I fear I must be very stupid,” He said, and shook his curly pate. And then he ran away to Venus. “Dear mother, help me! if you will, I’m sure,” he cried, “that we between us Can straighten out Sir Strephon’s bill.” Said Venus, “Just as I expected! You always do make such a fuss With bills!” But soon it was corrected, And the account was rendered thus: Sir Strephon— To Dan Cupid, Dr., To shooting at six maidens’ hearts. To making one blue silken fetter. To half a dozen blunted darts. To seven arrows, lost or broken. To one heart by a blunder hit. To one new bow. To one love-token. Terms cash. No credit. Please remit. “Hasten,” cried Venus, “do not tarry! Today is Strephon’s wedding-day. Unless he settle e’er he marry, Cupid may whistle for his pay.” “THE GROVES AND DELLS ARE DECORATED WITH BEAUTIFUL STATUES”
|
| Positive: | My Own! | |
| Comparative: | My Owner! | |
| Superlative: | My Ownest! |
Forever: until tomorrow.
Never: until tomorrow.
Yes: no.
No: yes.
Keepsake: any worthless piece of property.
Absence: a heart stimulant.
Alone: (for one) misery.
Alone: (for two) joy.
X X X: kisses.
o o o: kisses.
When Venus said: “Spell no for me,”
“N-O,” Dan Cupid wrote with glee,
And smiled at his success;
“Ah, child,” said Venus, laughing low,
“We women do not spell it so,
We spell it Y-E-S.”
LOVE IN ARCADY
What to us is time or space,
Hours of absence, days of grace;
As we rule and reign alone
In a kingdom of our own?
Love like ours is up to date,
Sneers at fortune, conquers Fate;
Makes the loves of early times
Look like three bright, shiny dimes.
Couldn’t we give cards and spades
To historic lovers’ shades!
Easily our love can beat
That of Faust and Marguerite.
Heloise and Abelard
Stooped to tricks that we’d discard;
Orpheus and Eurydice
Only knew a simple way;
Launcelot and Guinevere
Wondering would our love-songs hear,
And a few things we might show
Juliet and Romeo.
Hero we’d give pointers to,
Teach Leander how to woo.
I could coach Semiramis,
Trojan Helen teach to kiss.
You’d teach Dante and Petrarch,
Distance Cleopatra’s Mark.
Oh, the loves of bygone days
Were not up to modern ways!
INSENSIBILITY
They tell me that the day is fair,
With blossoms springing everywhere;
I do not know, I cannot say,
For thou, my love, art far away.
They tell me that the birds sing sweet,
That brooklets ripple at my feet;
I do not know, I cannot hear,
For thou, my love, art nowhere near.
They tell me that the sky is blue,
The hills take on a purple hue;
I do not know, I cannot see,
For thou, my love, art not with me.
Ever so many years ago,
When Cupid was quite young, you know,
There were no schools at all, and so,
Athirst for information,
Each day the funny little chap
Would climb up in Dame Venus’ lap,
And study from a book or map
To get his education.
He traced in his Geography
The Primrose Path to Arcady;
He bounded Agapemone,
And Flowery Fields Elysian.
Then, his Arithmetic begun,
He learned that one and one make one,
That one from two leaves simply none,
And Love abhors division.
From Botany he learned to know
The value of the mistletoe,
And why a rose is cherished so,
Even when it is faded.
Rhetoric taught him how to say
Fair speeches in a pretty way;
And if a lass should murmur “Nay,”
How she must be persuaded.
On History’s thrilling page he met
With Romeo and Juliet,
Brave Aucassin and Nicolette,
And other hearts devoted.
Then in Astronomy he found
What ’tis that makes the world go round,
And why the moon is so renowned,
And shooting stars are noted.
In Grammar Cupid had to say
“I love, thou lov’st, he loves,” each day,
And learn of hearts declined, that they
Can still be conjugated.
He studied the Industrial Arts,
Became adept at mending hearts,
Right skilfully he fashioned darts,
And wondrous love-knots plaited.
A Magic course he had to take,
And for sad hearts that ache or break
Love-philters strange he learned to make
From musk and myrrh and myrtle.
He studied deeply souls that yearned,
Investigated hearts that burned,
And all the tricks and habits learned
Of doves, both ring and turtle.
And so Dan Cupid is no fool,
But he’s well versed in love and rule,
Although he never went to school
And never went to college.
He’s blind, and yet the rogue can see
A thousand times as well as we;
And that’s how Cupid comes to be
A Paragon of Knowledge.
POLITICAL NOTES
Arcady is an Absolute Monarchy. It is under Home Rule, and Home is where the Heart is.
Each citizen is a King or Queen, and rules one subject.
Any Monarch may be deposed suddenly and supplanted by another. Beside being a Monarch each citizen is a slave, and thus the balance of power is preserved.
The Declaration of Dependence is signed by all good Arcadians.
Be sure you’re right then lose your head. A fool and his money are soon married. A little debutante is a dangerous thing. Proposals make cowards of us all. There’s no fool like a bold fool. The longest way round is the sweetest way home. One good kiss deserves another. ’Tis love that makes the man come round. Kisses speak louder than words. People who live in glass houses shouldn’t hold hands. The woman who deliberates is won. Where there’s a will there’s a wedding.
COSTUMES
There is a tradition of Arcadian simplicity in dress, but it is not always observed. The men, unless Poets, are often most careful dressers, and the women deck themselves in whatever garb they deem most attractive to men.
White muslin with blue ribbons is a popular costume, and “some sort of white, shimmering stuff” is much used for gowns.
Some women are clever enough to please the men by wearing all black or all white, and the hats are invariably large black ones or broad-leafed, rose-decked straws.
Sunshades, fans, floating scarfs, and many coy adjuncts or fripperies of dress are seen, and flowers are much worn or carried.
Oh, would I had lived in Arcadian days,
When maidens had not such extravagant ways,
When Daphne and Doris
And Chloe and Chloris
Would laugh with delight o’er a ribbon of blue
Or a glittering buckle to wear on a shoe.
But the girl of today cares nothing at all
For a trivial gift that is simple or small;
And Ethel and Bessie
And Gertrude and Jessie
Will only approve of the presents I’ve brought
If I spend (and I shall!) ten times more than I ought.
WALKS
Delightful walks abound in Arcady and its environs.
If unaccustomed to its devious ways, it is perhaps better to engage the services of an experienced Guide, which may be had for a song.
Nature Lovers enjoy the walk out on the old Romany Road, across the Field of Four-Leafed Clover toward the Forest of Arden.
A more Sentimental Journey is along the Primrose Way, up Primrose Hill, and on, beyond the Night, across the Day, thus following the Course of True Love. Though this never runs smooth, it is often attempted by young Lovers, who sometimes persevere along the way and sometimes get sidetracked.
To Friends’ Shipyard is a pleasant stroll for an idle summer day. Here may be seen the Sailor laddies making knots. True lover’s knots may be bought here and carried away as souvenirs.
Another attractive walk is along Wall Street. A delightful wall, full of nooks and crannies and overhung with blossoming vines, runs all along this street. At the corner of Moonshine Avenue is a beautiful monument representing Pyramus and Thisbe.
A pleasant short ramble is along Amourette Avenue, past the Cosy Corners, to a Bower of Roses by Bendemeer’s Stream. The stream may be crossed by the Rustic Bridges or by the Stepping Stones, both being equally romantic.
“TRUE LOVER’S KNOTS MAY BE BOUGHT HERE”
How rapidly Time shifts the scene.
Again it is St. Cupid’s day,
And I must send to my Rosine
A gorgeous valentine bouquet.
Last year I sent the same to May—
Heigh-ho! I’ve led a blithe career—
They’d make a rather long array,
My valentines of yester-year.
In years beginning with 18—
I was unfettered, free, and gay
Each maiden seemed to me a queen,
And to each one my court I’d pay.
Now I’m engaged. Ah, well-away!
Rosina is a perfect dear,
But I would better not display
My valentines of yester-year.
No memories shall come between
My love and me. And I’ll essay
To keep her life calm and serene,
And love her when she’s old and gray:
Her lightest wish I will obey,
But still—I hope she’ll never hear
Those verses that I wrote in play,
My valentines of yester-year.
L’ENVOI
Cupid, my secrets ne’er betray,
Let me not realize my fear;
And may they be destroyed, I pray,
My valentines of yester-year.
BUSINESS SECTION
The Business Section of Arcady is on Wise Acre Square, just South of Wall Street. Here may be found the Great Heart Trust, the Unbounded Trust Company, and the offices of the Trust Her Not Association. These Companies issue United States Bonds of Matrimony upon application.
The Court of Appeals and the Supreme Court are busy places, and in their courtyards sweethearts may be seen courting at any time during business hours.
They receive and negotiate Sealed Proposals and Bids and draw up Marriage contracts.
In the Flat Irony Building are the offices of the Love Insurance Company, the Arcady Ideal Estate Company, and other such organizations, whose advertisements may be found at the end of this volume.
IT HAPPENED IN ARCADY
THE GREAT HEART TRUST
“What is the matter, Kiddums?” said Dame Venus, as Cupid entered her boudoir, with his blue ribbon untied and limply dragging behind him, and his eyes shining through big tears, like bluebirds taking a bath.
“Mother, I’m a ruined man,” and Cupid flung himself into his own little chair, with a Delsarte gesture expressive of deepest dejection.
“What now, what now, my child?” gently inquired his beautiful parent, holding her hand-mirror a little to one side, that she might better perceive her troubled offspring.
“Why, just this. Some of those fools of finance have organized a Great Heart Trust.”
“Oh, Cupid, not really! Then your occupation is indeed gone! They have taken the very hearts out of your mouth!”
“Yes, Mother; and aside from the loss of my business, just think how horrid it is to commercialize it so! Why, I went to their office to make sure the report was true, and there they were, those horrible magnets,—or whatever they call them,—huddled round a ticker, and yelling out to one another such things as these: ‘Loyal Hearts preferred. Chicago making bold advance; sharp dealings noticed. Colorado Springs Hearts failed to rally; feeling weak and generally depressed; later, showed a slight reaction. Spinsters, no demand.’ I don’t know what it all means, I’m sure; but I see my finish, and I may as well break my arrows and unstring my bow.”
With a Delsarte gesture of vindictiveness and despair, Cupid doubled up his rosy, dimpled knee and snapped an arrow across it, throwing the pieces on the floor. Then he began to unstring his beautiful, curved bow.
Venus looked sympathetically at her only son.
“Perhaps,” she began, “it isn’t as bad as you think, dear. Perhaps,—”
“Now, isn’t that just like a woman!” exclaimed Cupid; his round pink cheeks growing rounder and pinker as he stormed on. “I just guess, Mother, if you had been down to the Heart Exchange and had heard and seen what I did, you wouldn’t say, ‘Perhaps and perhaps.’ Why, I strolled over to listen to two of the magnets talking. One man said there was a corner in the matrimonial market and the other said he was too visionary, for that market wasn’t at all affected by the Heart Trust. He said it was only a question of a deal in futures. I don’t know what they mean by such talk as that.”
“I’m sure I don’t either, Cupid,” said Venus, laying down her mirror; for she had begun to realize that the question was serious and she must give it her undivided attention, which is a difficult matter for a real Venus. “Tell me more, Son.”
“Well, I looked over a man’s shoulder, and he was reading from another of those ticker things. He was a horrid man, not the kind I like to deal with, at all. He read things like this: ‘Summer Girls. Sensational Advances. No Reserve. Public Wary. Actresses not well supported, but best of financial backing; good figures.’”
“But, Cupid, dearie, you’re not interested in hearts like those, I hope.”
“Now, Mother, you know perfectly well that a man in my business position is obliged to deal in all sorts of hearts. And I’ve always had a monopoly of the market. Now the Great Heart Trust has spoiled my trade entirely.” He broke another arrow across his knee and his quiver seemed to have transferred itself to his rosy lips.
“But, Son,” began Venus, hopefully, “doesn’t this affect city hearts only? Can’t you go to the country, and in the flowery fields and lovers’ lanes find all the business you can attend to?”
“No, Mother,” and the curly head drooped like a dandelion at midday. “This Great Heart Trust is universal. I stole a look at one of their papers this morning, and one column was headed ‘Rural Reports.’ Then it said: ‘Country depressed, dull; moving slowly. Domestic Products quiet and well-behaved; in great demand. Southern peach crop very fine; quickly snapped up.’ I can’t understand all their queer terms, but I suppose I shall have to learn them.”
“Yes, Cupid, do that. Meet them on their own ground and fight them with their own weapons. You know more about hearts than they do; think of your long experience.”
“Oh, Mother! Imagine me occupying a seat in the Heart Exchange! Why, I’d have to wear a ticker ribbon instead of my blue sash. No, I never could learn their language. Why, they talk like this: ‘Coquettes’ hearts, Common stock; a declining movement shows a hardening tendency, but the stock is unsteady, with exciting effects.’ And not only our own people are concerned, but they quote prices on Foreign Hearts, and, Mother, the rates are almost prohibitive. Then one report said, ‘FiancÉes’ Hearts; do not fear local pressure!’ Now what can such talk mean? Then it said: ‘Boston. (See Ice Trust.)’ No, Mother, it’s no use; I can’t understand their jargon.”
“But, Cupid, you can learn. The age is progressive and you must keep up with it. You know yourself that for some time your methods of dealing in hearts have been considered old-fashioned. Now you must try more up-to-date ways.”
“But, Mother, some reports are so sad. Their paper said today that there were many heart failures reported. Why, one heart broke at sixty—during a period of depression! And then they quoted ‘Hearts Bowed Down.’ That seemed to be a falling market, with heavy sales. Several hearts were lost or stolen, and altogether it made me feel panic-stricken. And what do you think, they quoted ‘Husbands’ as inclined to firmness, but showing bearish indications! No, it’s all out of my line. I know my business, I’ve practised it many, many years, and I’m too old to learn new tricks.”
Venus looked at her son in much the same way that any mother looks at her child when she knows she can help him out of his difficulty.
“You dear, silly child,” she said, “you’re needlessly alarmed. Every trust must have its day, but they all fail sooner or later. Bide your time, and after a while you’ll find that the trust is all over, and you can carry on the game in your own sweet way. I have heard of some kind of a queer machine,—I think it’s called a ‘trust buster,’—invented just on purpose to break up these trusts. I’ll get you one. Now kiss me and run away and play.”
Venus picked up her mirror again and sat gazing at her beautiful nose in rapt admiration of that classic member.
Cupid cheered up considerably. “Mother, you’re a blessing,” he said, as he kissed the tip of her ear. “But,” he added, as he ran away to chase butterflies, “after this trust-buster thing has done its smashing, won’t I have a time mending all the broken hearts!”
CALAMITOUS CATASTROPHE
DIRE DESTRUCTION AND DEPLORABLE DISASTER
DESOLATION AND DEVASTATION CAUSED BY AN APPALLING AIRQUAKE
THOUSANDS OF CASTLES IN THE AIR OVERTHROWN AND DEMOLISHED
(From our own correspondent)
ARCADY: A terrible airquake has wrought havoc in the densely populated atmosphere above this locality. Without a word of warning, noble and beautiful castles in the air went toppling to their ruin.
Though difficult to get details in these first hours of confusion and distress, it is known that the sumptuous air castle built by Claude Melnotte for the Lady of Lyons is entirely demolished. The devastated area is widespread, and from the most magnificent dream of marble halls to the humblest vision of love in a cottage, all of the Chateaux en Espagne have fallen. It is feared that many loves have been lost in the ruins. Even now the agents of the Love Insurance Company are on the spot estimating the casualties. Many of the survivors declare they will rebuild at the earliest possible moment. Indeed, it may safely be predicted that new and more elaborate and beautiful castles in the air will soon take the place of the old ones. Among the dÉbris of ruined hopes and shattered ideals, pathetic sights may be seen. Here a broken resolution sticks up through the mass of fragments, there a broken promise; and everywhere are fallen idols and upset plans. The explorer is menaced by pits of boiling imagination and fine frenzies rolling. But relief supplies are already being received. A ship, with Youth at the helm and Pleasure at the prow, has just come into the harbor, bringing a cargo of fresh hopes and such stuff as dreams are made of.
Owing to the prevalence of mirage it is difficult to give definite statistics; but the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is still visible, and the sanguine, light-hearted people have already begun to rear anew their castles in the air.
From the Arcadian News
ADVERTISEMENTS
PERSONALLY CONDUCTED HONEYMOON TOURS
BILLINGS & COO, PROPRIETORS
Why trouble yourself with the details of traveling and its paraphernalia, at a time when your heart, mind, and soul are all absorbed in other matters?
Why descend to the sordid buying of tickets and checking of luggage, when your spirit is soaring in realms of Empyrean bliss?
Why puzzle over the baffling intricacies of a time-table, when you can be looking into the lustrous orbs of your Bride?
Why suffer the irritating Emergencies of Travel, when your way may be made a path of Roses by embarking on one of our Personally Conducted Wedding Trips?
All Routes to suit all Temperaments!
The Totally Oblivious are piloted safely through a hackneyed and uneventful Trip.
The Fearfully Embarrassed are shielded and screened from unpleasant observation.
The Ostentatiously Happy are paraded in public and brought into delightful prominence on trains and in hotels.
The Blissfully Enraptured are conducted to Sentimental Spots and on Romantic Rambles.
One of D. Cupid’s Own Guides, in Blue Ribbon Uniform, takes entire charge of each Happy Couple and attends to all details of the Trip. At the request of the Bride he will write letters home to her mother from every stopping-place or will, at the order of the Bridegroom, extend his Letters of Credit or telegraph his bank for more funds.
These Tours are entirely de luxe. The routes are strewn with roses all the way. Sunshiny and balmy weather guaranteed. Not one bored moment, or Money Refunded.
Write at once for Prospectus.
Billings & Coo
The Bridal Path
Orange Blossom Park
MUTUAL-BENEFIT LOVE-INSURANCE COMPANY
Lovers, Attention! Is your love insured? Other loves are dead; your love may die. You insure your life, your house, your barns. Why not insure your love?
This company is incorporated under the laws of the United States, and its affairs are conducted by a board of directors, including some of our best known poets and novelists, and it is approved in all respects by the board of underpaid writers.
Membership: Any lover between the ages of eighteen and seventy, of sound body and (otherwise) sound mind, in good health (excepting such maladies as are traceable to the fact of his or her being in love) and of temperate habits, whose occupation comes within certain classifications hereinafter specified, shall be eligible to membership.
Policies are issued only upon healthy, honest loves subscribed and sworn to by both parties interested therein, and guaranteed to be not like other loves.
Prohibited Risks: Citizens of Chicago, members of the theatrical profession, students of co-educational colleges, naval heroes, and summer girls are not eligible to membership, and their applications will not be considered by this company.
Applicants must answer truthfully and without evasion the following questions:
State name, including all nicknames or pet names used during the love to be insured.
How long have you been in love?
Was it love at first sight?
Are you (1) handsome, (2) good-looking, or (3) plain?
Are you susceptible to flattery?
Are you of a jealous disposition?
Have you ever had Heart-disease? Palpitation? Melancholia? Lover-complaint? Blues? Heart-failure?
What is your occupation? (Specify this definitely. If a business man, state if lady typewriters are employed, and if so, how many and of what appearance. Append photographs if possible.)
Where do you spend your vacations?
Are there widows there?
Any applicant answering these questions satisfactorily is entitled to a policy in our company that shall provide indemnity for the death of a love which, though it may now seem deathless, is often subject to mortal injury in this uncertain life of ours.
Dan Cupid, Agent
No. 7 Primrose Path
“THE BLISSFULLY ENRAPTURED ARE CONDUCTED TO SENTIMENTAL SPOTS”
AIR CASTLES UP TO DATE
All the Modern Improvements
Spanish Building and Loan Association
Home is where the heart is!
Own your own home!
Why live in a mundane flat when you can have
a Castle in the Air?
At a small outlay you may secure a beautiful
site and a large and commodious dwelling
All styles to suit all tastes!
Love-in-a-Cottage Type. Rose-embowered Porch
Dimity-curtained Windows. Dream of
Marble Halls
Specially selected Vassals and Serfs. Ruined
Castle Effects
Ivy-hung Turrets. Secret Staircase to Tower
Write for circulars and Prospectus
! ! ! A Few desirable plots for Sale on
Lover’s Lane! ! !
La Romanza!
The magnificent apartment house, corner Arden Avenue and Paradise Alley
This apartment air castle is built and finished with a careful attention to detail, which combines Eighteenth-century Romance with Nineteenth-century convenience. Among its advantages over older air castles are:
Express Elevator to Seventh Heaven
Trolley Line to Arcady
Dream Interpreter Call and United States Valentine Chute on every floor
Lighted by an Automatic Electric Moon
Surrounded by sturdy oaks and clinging vines.
Owing to the recent depreciations in Ideal Estate you may be interested in
La Romanza!!!
Write for particulars and terms to
Dan Cupid
Ideal Estate Agent
No. 7 Primrose Path
