ZACK BUMSTEAD useter flosserfize

About the ocean an’ the skies;

An’ gab an’ gas f’um morn till noon

About the other side the moon;

An’ ’bout the natur of the place

An’ if his wife she’d ask the crank

Ef he wouldn’t kinder try to yank

Hisself out-doors an’ git some wood

To make her kitchen fire good,

So she c’d bake her beans an’ pies,

He’d say, “I’ve gotter flosserfize.”

An’ then he’d set an’ flosserfize

About the natur an’ the size

Of angels’ wings, an’ think, and gawp,

An’ wonder how they make ’em flop.

He’d calkerlate how long a skid

’Twould take to move the sun, he did;

An’ if the skid was strong an’ prime,

It couldn’t be moved to supper-time.

An’ w’en his wife ’d ask the lout

Ef he wouldn’t kinder waltz about

An’ take a rag an’ shoo the flies,

He’d say, “I’ve gotter flosserfize.”

An’ then he’d set an’ flosserfize

’Bout schemes for fencing in the skies,

Then lettin’ out the lots to rent,

So’s he could make an honest cent.

An’ if he’d find it pooty tough

To borry cash fer fencin’-stuff?

An’ if ’twere best to take his wealth

An’ go to Europe for his health,

Or save his cash till he’d enough

To buy some more of fencin’-stuff;

Then, ef his wife she’d ask the gump

Hisself to t’other side the door,

So she c’d come an’ sweep the floor,

He’d look at her with mournful eyes,

An’ say, “I’ve gotter flosserfize.”

An’ so he’d set an’ flosserfize

’Bout what it wuz held up the skies,

An’ how God made this earthly ball

Jest simply out er nawthin’ ’tall,

An’ ’bout the natur, shape, an’ form

Of nawthin’ that he made it from.

Then, ef his wife sh’d ask the freak

Ef he wouldn’t kinder try to sneak

Out to the barn an’ find some aigs,

He’d never move, nor lift his laigs;

He’d never stir, nor try to rise,

But say, “I’ve gotter flosserfize.”

An’ so he’d set an’ flosserfize

About the earth, an’ sea, an’ skies,

An’ scratch his head, an’ ask the cause

Of w’at there wuz before time wuz,

An’ w’at the universe ’d do

Bimeby w’en time hed all got through;

An’ jest how fur we’d have to climb

Ef we sh’d travel out er time;

An’ ef we’d need, w’en we got there,

To keep our watches in repair.

Then, ef his wife she’d ask the gawk

Ef he wouldn’t kinder try to walk

To where she had the table spread,

He’d leap for that ar kitchen door,

An’ say, “W’y didn’t you speak afore?”

An’ when he’d got his supper et,

He’d set, an’ set, an’ set, an’ set,

An’ fold his arms, an’ shet his eyes,

An’ set, an’ set, an’ flosserfize.