MONOTONY OF MINISTERIAL MONOLOGUES

Mrs. Lathrop never went to church. She had relinquished church when she had given up all other social joys that called for motive power beyond the limits of her own fence.

Elijah rarely ever went to church. The getting the paper out Friday for Saturday delivery wore on him so that he nearly always slept until noon on Sunday.

So Susan went alone week after week, just as she had been going alone for years and years and years. She always wore a black dress to church, her mother's cashmere shawl, and a bonnet of peculiar shape which had no strings and fitted closely around her head. She always took about an hour and a half to get home from church, although it was barely ten minutes' walk, and she always went in Mrs. Lathrop's gate instead of her own when she did get home. Mrs. Lathrop knew almost to the minute when to expect her and was invariably seated ready and waiting.

One late May day when Susan returned from church she followed her usual course of Sunday observances by going straight to her neighbor's and sitting down hard on one of the latter's kitchen chairs, but she differed from her usual course by her expression, which—usually bland and fairly contented with the world in general—was this morning most bitterly set and firmly assured in displeasure.

"Well," said Mrs. Lathrop, somewhat alarmed but attempting to speak pleasantly, "was—"

"No," said Susan, "I should say not." Then she unpinned her hat and ran the pin through the crown with a vicious directness that bore out her words to the full.

"Susan!" said Mrs. Lathrop, appalled, "why—"

"Well, I can't help it if you are," said Miss Clegg, "you don't have to go Sunday after Sunday an' listen like I do. If you did, an' if you had what you ain't got an' that's some spirit, Mrs. Lathrop, you'd be rammin' around with a hat-pin yourself an' understand my feelin's when I say as there ain't a spot in the Bible as I ain't been over fully as often as the minister nor a place where he can open it that I can't tell just what he'll say about it afore he's done settlin' his tie an' clearin' his throat. I'm so tired of that tie-settlin' an' throat-clearin' business I don't know what to do an' then to-day it was the Sermon on the Mount an' he said as he had a new thought to develop out of the mount for us an' the new thought was as life was a mount with us all climbin' up it an' sure to come out on top with the Sermon if our legs held out. It's this new idea of new thoughts as he's got hold of as puts me so out of all patience I don't know what to do; if they was really new I'd revel to listen to 'em, but they're as old as the hills an' I feel like I was offered somethin' to cut my teeth on whenever I hear him beginnin' with a fresh old one. The other day I met him down in the square an' he stopped me short an' told me to my face as the world was gettin' full o' new thoughts, an' that a star as he see the night afore had given him one as he was intendin' to work up for Christmas. Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think that particular new thought was? What do you think? It was as God was back o' the stars! My lands, I felt like givin' him a punch with my parasol an' I'd of done it too only I'd left my parasol at home an' had n't nothin' with me but a basket o' currants. I told him though as the idea o' God an' the stars bein' anyways new was surely most new to me, an' then I went on to say as Rachel Rebecca had said she'd come an' pick berries for me Monday an' seein' as Tuesday was lettin' its sun down pretty fast I could only hope as some other new thought had n't run off with her, too.

"It's this way, Mrs. Lathrop, I don't get much fun out o' church anyway, for I'm on red-hot porcupines the whole time I'm there thinkin' what I could be doin' at home if I was at home, an' wonderin' whether Elijah is in bed or whether he's up an' about. I don't know a more awful feelin' than the feelin' that you're chained helpless in a church while the man in your house is up an' about your house. Men were n't meant to be about houses an' I always liked father because he never was about, but Elijah is of a inquirin' disposition an' he inquires more Sundays than any other time. The idea as he's wanderin' around just carelessly lookin' into everythin' as ain't locked upsets me for listenin' to the minister anyway, but lately my patience has been up on its hind legs in church clawin' an' yowlin' more 'n ever, for it seems as if the minister gets tamer an' tamer faster an' faster as time rolls on, an' between not likin' to hear him an' bein' half mad to get back to Elijah I'm beginnin' to wish as God in His infinite mercy had let me be somethin' besides a Christian. I don't know what I'd be if I was n't a Christian, but my own view o' this idea o' free-trade in religion as is takin' so many folks nowadays is as it all comes from most anybody with common sense jus' naturally knowin' more than any minister as always has his house an' his potatoes for nothin' ever can possibly get a chance to learn; an' when folks realize as they know more than the minister they ain't apt to like to waste the time as they might be learnin' more yet, sittin' an' listenin' to him tag along behind what they know already. A minister is kind o' like a horse in blinders or a cow as wears a yoke to keep her from jumpin', anyway—he feels as he can't launch out even if he wants to an' so he never does, but my idea would be to give 'em a little rope an' let 'em be a little more interestin'. Here's two hours a week as we sit still an' might be learnin' things much more useful than as Job was patient an' Joseph was n't. I'm tired of Job an' Joseph anyhow. I've heard about 'em both ever since I was old enough to know about either, an' long afore I was old enough to know about Joseph. I was talkin' about this at the sewin' society yesterday an' they all agreed with me. Mrs. Macy said as her feelin' was as she'd been wantin' to go to sleep in church for the last five years, an' she was beginnin' to have it so strong as she did n't care who knowed it.

"Was the minister's—" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with vivid curiosity.

"No, 'cause Brunhilde Susan thought a moth ball was a lemon drop an' dealt with it a'cordin', an' she was too used up by the bein' up all night to even so much as overcast a plain seam; but the rest was there an' we all aired ourselves inside out, I can assure you, an' was more 'n glad as she was n't there, so we could do it, too.

"The general talk was as the minister 'd do well to quit talkin' about Heaven for a while an' come down to earth. We all know about Heaven, 'cause if you don't all you have to do is to tip back your head an' there it is day an' night for you to look at as long as your neck don't ache, but what we don't know about is a lot of what's right around us. Mrs. Macy says as her view would be to take the Bible for the motto an' then apply it right to us here to-day, an' tell us how to understand what's goin' on in the world by its light. She says David an' Goliath could of been Japan an' Russia with Admiral Togo for the sling shot, an' we all felt to agree as there was a idea as no minister ought to mind ownin', for Mrs. Sweet told me comin' home as she never would of give Mrs. Macy credit for thinkin' nothin' out so closely as that. Every one was interested right off an' you ought to of been there to see how the idea took! Gran'ma Mullins said as she'd always wanted to know what a soft-nosed bullet looked like an' how their other features felt, an' a sermon like that could n't but give us all a new understandin' of a war. Then they all got to thinkin' out the thing, an' Mrs. Sweet said as Jezabel bein' throwed to the dogs could apply to that new rule in the city as makes you have to go around with your dog's nose in a lattice an' yourself tied to the dog; she said when she went up there the other day she felt like nothin' but a fool out with her brother an' him bein' jerked here an' there a'cordin' as the dog's feelin's moved him, an' the dog's lattice half the time over one of his two ears so he looked more drunk than sober all day. Of course we ain't got no such rules about dogs' noses here, but no one set down on Mrs. Sweet, because it showed she took an interest; Mrs. Brown said when she was done as she should think as the sun standin' still on Absalom three days could be worked up into havin' our streets lit all night, for she says when young Dr. Brown is out late, Amelia's so awful nervous she has to sit by her an' hold her hand, an' young Dr. Brown always says it takes him a good hour longer than it ought to gettin' home, on a'count o' bein' so afraid o' runnin' into trees in the dark."

"They say—" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.

"Yes, but you could n't make his mother believe it," said Susan; "she thinks he eats peppermint comin' home nights just because he likes to eat peppermint comin' home nights. Mothers is all like that. You know yourself how you was with Jathrop. That'd make another nice talk, about how all sons was n't prodigals, some bein' obliged by fate to be the calf instead. I must say, Mrs. Lathrop, as the more I think of this new idea the more took I am with it. The Bible would be most like a new book if we took it that way an' Sunday would be a day to look forward to all the week long, just to see what the minister was goin' to say about what next. The sewin' society was all in favor of the idea an' now if the square only takes it up with a real mother's heart I don't see why we should n't get some profit out o' keepin' a minister yet. My notion is as the minister might just as well learn to be a lesson to us as to be so dead satisfied with only bein' a trial to us. We've got trials enough, Lord knows, an' just now what with the weather an' the cleanin' house no one wants to go to church to hear about things as they all know anyhow."

"I wonder—" said Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.

"No, I would n't look for that," said Susan; "every one has their limits an' I would n't expect no man to jump over his own outside. I should n't ever look for the minister to be really equal to workin' up somethin' real spicy as would fill the house out o' Uriah the Hittite or Abigail hangin' upside down to the tree, but I can't well see why he could n't teach us whether well water's healthy or not by quotin' from Rebecca, an' when the time comes he could surely get a real nice Thanksgivin' text out o' John the Baptist's head on the platter."

"Well—" said Mrs. Lathrop, slowly.

"I'm goin' home to Elijah now," said Susan, "an' I shall talk the matter up with him. Elijah's awful funny, Mrs. Lathrop. However much he roams around while I'm in church he always hops back in bed an' manages to be sound asleep when it's time for me to come home. An' I will say this for him, an' that is as with all his pryin' an' meddlin' he's clever enough to get things back so I can never see no traces of what he's been at. If I was n't no sharper than most others, I'd think as he never had stirred out of bed while I was gone—but I am sharper than others an' it'll take a sharper young man than Elijah to make me suppose as all is gold that glitters or that a man left all alone in a house don't take that time to find out what he's alone in the midst of."