By Harry and John Kernell.

CHARACTERS.

John McSwegan … Harry Kernell.
Barney Crossin … John Kernell.

Street scene.

Enter McSwegan.

McSwegan. Well, I have just come into town to meet an old friend of mine from the same place in Ireland as myself; but he has risen in the world, and keeps a lager beer brewery in Koekuk, Iowa. I don’t see him, so I will step down to McNally’s saloon. Probably he will come along while I am gone. [Exit.

Enter Crossin.

Crossin. I wonder where McSwegan is? He promised to meet me here. As I was coming around the corner a little girl looked at me in the face, and says: “There’s General Grant.” I looked around and says: “You lie, sis,” but I don’t think she seen the point. Another little fellow says: “Stag the Mick with the lantern jaw.”

Enter McSwegan.

McS. Good-morning, Barney.

Cros. Good-afternoon.

McS. What kept you so quick?

Cros. I couldn’t come any later.

McS. Have you had any trouble lately at your home?

Cros. Yes, we had a railroad accident.

McS. I didn’t hear anything about it. What was it?

Cros. Mary Ann O’Brien hung herself with her back hair.

McS. How do you make that out a railroad accident?

Cros. Why, her death was caused by a misplaced switch.

McS. It’s a wonder they didn’t put you up for a headlight.

Cros. If I had your mouth we might have used it for a tunnel.

McS. Well, are you working now?

Cros. No; I have not worked for three months.

McS. I can get you a fine job.

Cros. What doing?

McS. Why, a friend of mine wants to put you in an envelope; he wants to send a valentine to a shoemaker.

Cros. Say, when you go home you want to eat all the salt you can get; you are the freshest rooster I ever saw.

McS. Well, if you don’t like that job, put molasses on your whiskers, and hire yourself out for fly paper.

Cros. Will you be doing anything to-morrow?

McS. No, I guess not. Why?

Cros. Well, I would like to have you come with me to a photograph gallery; I want your picture.

McS. What do you want with my picture?

Cros. I want to give it to the police. I lost my monkey.

McS. Well, if I thought there was a reward for you I would bring you home again.

Cros. Did you hear the news?

McS. No; what is it?

Cros. It’s all over town.

McS. What?

Cros. Mud.

McS. That’s a very good joke.

Cros. It is. Will you have a cigar?

McS. I will.

Cros. Then go buy one.

McS. You are not smoking now, are you?

Cros. No, not at present.

McS. I see the mud has covered them up.

Cros. See here, do you know any conundrums?

McS. I don’t know what you mean.

Cros. I mean do you know anything I ought to give up?

McS. You ought to give up them two dollars you owe me.

Cros. Well, ask me some conundrum.

McS. All right. Which is the best way to make fish-balls without the fish?

Cros. Why, send the potatoes home C. O. D. What looks most like the half moon?

McS. Why, the other half.

Cros. Why is the mosquito a good poker player?

McS. Because every time he draws he fills.

Cros. Well, what chance have I got? Ask me one.

McS. All right. Which is the best way to keep a dog from going mad in August?

Cros. Shoot him in July.

McS. Which is the best way to find a young lady out.

Cros. Why, go around to see her some day when she is not in.

McS. Well, now ask me a hard one.

Cros. All right. Why are your two feet like an Italian organ grinder?

McS. I will give it up. Why are your two feet like an Italian organ grinder? Because they carry a monkey around all day.

Cros. What makes a chicken go across the street? Because he wants to get on the other side. Why didn’t you answer that, you bum?

McS. You didn’t give me a chance.

Cros. How long can a jackass stand on one leg?

McS. You get up and try it. [Both exit.