An Amusing Negro Farce.

BY BILLY BARRY.

Performed by him at Tony Pastor’s, New York.

CHARACTERS:

Stumpy Vanderbilt.
Alonzo Stetson.
Augustus Astor.
Alphonso Leland.

Scene.—A street.

Enter all of the characters, arm in arm, R. 2. E., all singing.

Stumpy. See here, Alonzo.

Alon. Shout away.

Stumpy. Don’t you play that on me again.

Alon. Play what?

Stumpy. French brandy, twenty-five cents a glass. Do you take me for the mint?

Alon. You said to take what I wanted.

Stumpy. Spozen you wanted the whole saloon, would you took that? Hereafter, when you drink with me—lager, five cents.

Alon. All right. [Laughs as if a thought had just struck him.] See here, Augustus, I want to see you privately a minute. Gentlemen, excuse us.

Stumpy and Alph. Oh, certainly!

[Alonzo takes Augustus to one side of stage. Stumpy and Alphonso engage in conversation inaudibly at back.

Alon. You know Charlie Gilsey, Augustus?

Aug. Charlie Gilsey, that belongs to our club?

Alon. Yes.

Aug. I know him well—he owes me a dollar.

Alon. Well, Charlie went on a regular old hurrah, the other night. Got blind drunk, stole door-knobs and area gates, and he got run in by the cops. Took him to the Tombs to await his trial. You see, it was an awful disgrace. Charlie is one of the first families, when all the rest are out of town, and it drove him off of his center.

Aug. Did what?

Alon. Sent him lending out brains. Made him crazy.

Aug. Poor fellow!

Alon. Oh, it was tough. Well, you know the warden liked Charlie; used to grub him good. No use, Charlie wouldn’t eat anything. Just the other day he sent a waiter up with a tray of broiled chicken.

Aug. Broiled chicken! oh, yum!

Alon. Yes, broiled chicken, with grape sauce. Charlie ups and kicks the tray clean out of the waiter’s hands. Then he went for the waiter, hit him under the ear, jumped on him, and so on. The waiter couldn’t stand it. What do you suppose he did?

Aug. What?

Alon. Hit him, so. [Slaps Augustus’ face, Augustus staggers back. Alonzo cocks hat over his eyes, and struts around stage.]

Alon. ’Nother fellow sold! [Laughs.

Aug. Bully joke!

Alon. Yah—yah—yah! You never tumbled.

Aug. I say, does that skeleton of Coney Island know anything about this?

Alon. No.

Aug. Then watch me slug him. [Walks back and taps Alphonso on the shoulder.] I’d like to see you for a moment, Alphonso; excuse him, Stumpy.

Stumpy. Oh, yes, tell him not to hurry back.

[Augustus and Alphonso walk over to front of stage.

Aug. You know Charlie Gilsey?

Alph. Well; my mother washes for him.

Aug. The other night Charlie went out on a corker. Got full of jig-water, felt uproarious, went around and stole a lot of front doors and two or three sidewalks. By-and-by the police caught him, locked him up in the Tombs. The disgrace drove Charlie cranky.

Alph. Cranky!

Aug. Yes, he went off of his caboose.

Alph. Oh, crazy.

Aug. Crazy’s the word. Now you know Charlie saw the warden, and the warden treated Charlie kindly. Yesterday he sent a waiter up to Charlie with an Erie Canal shad on a tray; Charlie up and kicked the tray out of the waiter’s hand, and then he began to abuse the waiter; of course the waiter wouldn’t stand that, and what do you suppose that he done?

Alph. What?

Aug. Biffed him—so! [Hits Alphonso a blow on the cheek. Biz of strutting around by Augustus.

Aug. He bit like a fish. I guess I’ve broke his jaw.

Alph. Deuced nice story.

Aug. Funny, ain’t it?

Alph. Awful; but say, old fellow.

Aug. What?

Alph. Has the East river ghost heard anything of this?

Aug. Not a volume.

Alph. Then view me paralyze him. (Walks over to Stumpy.) Say, Stumpy, I’ve got a funny story to tell you.

Stumpy. What about?

Alph. Charlie Gilsey. You know Charlie?

Stumpy. Oh, yes, he’s one of Bricktop’s pals.

Alph. Well, this is a bully story. Make you laugh till you cry.

Stumpy. All right, I want to laugh. Spit her out.

Alph. You see Charlie went on a jamboree the other night; got full as a goat on corn rock and whisky. He stole half a dozen hand-carts and a grocery store, and the police collared him. Poor Charlie was locked up in the Tombs. You know he was always awful sensitive.

Stumpy. Oh, awful! You never had to call him a liar over six times before he would ask you what you meant.

Alph. Well, the disgrace of the thing muddled his brain box.

Stumpy. Sorter give him the jim-jams in his head.

Alph. Just so. But the warden was a friend of his, and tried to do all he could for him. Yesterday he sent a waiter up with a pickled ham on a tray for Charlie. Charlie ups and kicks it off. What do you suppose the waiter did?

Stumpy. Eat the ham.

Alph. No; he slugged Charlie, so. (Hits Stumpy. Same biz as before.)

Alph. Caught him again. I must have broke his ear.

Stumpy. Tell me some more; real nice story.

Alph. Grand joke, ain’t it?

Stumpy. Immense; but say, Hannah Rothschild, does that bald-headed child-killer over there know the racket?

Alph. No; I’ve given it to you first.

Stumpy. Oh, ho! Strawberries and cream. Gaze upon me part his hair. (Walks over to Alonzo.) Say, old Morgue, I want to see you for five or six years.

Alon. What for?

Stumpy. You know Charlie Gilsey?

Alon. Charlie Gilsey, the alderman’s niece?

Stumpy. That’s the cake.

Alon. Oh, I know him well.

Stumpy. I’ve got a tip-top joke to give you about him.

Alon. You don’t say.

Stumpy. Sure. You see Charlie got off on a screecher last week. Got crammed full of bottle-stuffing. Oh, he got as drunk as a senator. He went on a racket and stole a hotel and an elevated railroad and a freight car, and some little things like that. He got arrested. Judge made it two years. It broke Charlie’s heart. He wasn’t used to getting more than six months at a time, and he got rats in his garret.

Alon. Did what?

Stumpy. Went off his nut—crazy.

Alon. Ah, I see.

Stumpy. You see, the warden was a friend of his, and he tried to do all that he could for poor Charlie. Bought a piano and a washing machine, and furnished up his room elegantly. Didn’t do any good. Charlie kept crazy. Yesterday the warden sent a waiter up with a tray containing a whole hog and some custard pie, and stewed whale, and some more little delicacies. Charlie up and kicked the waiter out of the tray’s hand.

Alon. Go ’way!

Stumpy. It’s so. But worse yet—Charlie went for the waiter.

Alon. Went for the waiter?

Stumpy. Terrible case. Hit him with the piano, jumped on his nose—oh, raised the devil. And what do you suppose the waiter did in return?

Alon. Struck him—so! [Raps Stumpy on the face and knocks him over. All of the other characters go for Stumpy and knock him around the stage. Flats close on general melee.