HE wore three hats upon his head,
And called aloud “Old clo’,”
It would not be correct to say
His Christian name was “Mo.”
His home was in a lane that used
Some time ago to bear
The Anglicised French name we give
A garment ladies wear.
You’ve seen him as the comic man
In plays at Drury Lane,
And Mr. Irving showed him once
A prey to grief and pain.
In all the tales our authors write
He’s painted at his worst;
I’ll have a “go” at him myself,
And here he stands—my first.

It was a young and noble earl,
An impecunious sinner,
He’d won a lovely Yankee girl,
And gave a little dinner.
The restaurant, a tip-top one,
Was in the town that ‘Arry,
Who once, with Cook, the trip has done,
Insists on calling “Parry.”

The bride-elect and all her friends
The noble earl invited,
They said, “He don’t mind what he spends,”
And all were much delighted.
But when the splendid spread was o’er,
The guests about departing,
The landlord came and locked the door,
This piece of news imparting:
“His lordship’s had me twice on toast,
So now, as you are going,
I’d like to ask,” exclaimed mine host,
“Who’ll pay me what is owing?
Not one of you shall pass the door,
The key is in my pocket;
And not till someone’s paid the score
Will this ’ere child unlock it.”
“I’ve not enough!” gasped out the earl—
Without his host he’d reckoned—
The friends of that proud Yankee girl
Went shares and paid my second.

I stood at eve as the sun went down
By the side of a flowing river
That runs through the East of London town,
And I turned me away with a shiver.
I have smelt some smells in thy streets, Cologne,
I have seen some filthy fluids,
But nothing like this has the wide world known
Since the days of the Ancient Druids.
Let the essence of all the stinks be stirred
And then you may fancy you smell my third.

Where’er the flag of Britain
Floats proudly on the breeze,
In this our home of freedom
And in lands beyond the seas;
In India’s wondrous cities,
On wild Australian tracks,
In vast Canadian forests,
And among the conquered blacks,—
As far as sword and bayonet
Extend our freedom’s goal,
Next year, as per arrangement,
They’ll celebrate my whole.