Same Scene:—Dibbs discovered by secretaire, large sword in hand, and polishing it with emery cloth, L.

Dibbs. “If I fall,” says Mr. Bellamy to me—“If I fall, Dibbs, tell everybody I know that my last thought was of them—whoever they may be—those I don’t know tell them that my last thought would have been of them had I lived to have the opportunity of an introduction!” Poor young man! I shall miss him, for he often gave me tips. (Wipes eyes with emery cloth.)

Enter Fred, L. U. E.

Fred. Why do you weep, my boy?

Dibbs. I was a thinking, sir, that this very sword I now hold in my hand might be run through your internals before I had time—Oh! It would break my heart! (Weeping again.)

Fred (much affected). Be brave, my lad, be brave!

Dibbs (boo-hoo-ing very loudly). Before I had time to get a good polish on it!

Fred. Those ancient implements won’t do. I shall have to borrow better ones somewhere. Leave off polishing them.

Enter Selwyn disguised in blue spectacles, slouch hat, etc. R. 2 E.

Dibbs. Oh! the governor’s got on gig-lamps!

Sel. (hastily removing spectacles). Yes! My eyes are weak. (Aside.) Disguise is necessary—or one of the vampires might have recognized me.

Fred. Selwyn, when I’m challenged by this Irish tiger where shall I find seconds?

Sel. I don’t mind being one.

Fred. Two will be wanted.

Dibbs. Well, sir, if there’s any difficulty at the last minute, and sooner than spoil the sport, you can count on me as No. 2.

Fred. You! You impertinent imp. Get out! Now, to borrow these swords—where’s my hat? I shall only be gone about ten minutes—I’ll take Selwyn’s. (Exit Fred, L. U. E., with Selwyn’s hat, unseen by him.)

Sel. I have been thinking how strange it was that both Fred and the Irish captain declared I wasn’t Grace’s father! I had indulged myself in that belief for many years at any rate! Can there be anything in it?

Enter Blithers, C.

Blith. Where is he?Dibbs. It’s Tompkins!

Sel. Tompkins, the duellist!

Blith. Excuse my third visit, but I beg to remind you that I have not got it yet.

Sel. The hat? I forgot all about it, in my many troubles! (Aloud.) Sir, permit me to apologize; it is my fault alone! (To Dibbs.) Where’s his hat?

Dibbs. I’ll go and look for it, sir. The old cough-drop don’t mean to go without his kady! (Exit Dibbs to Fred’s room, L. 2 E.)

Blith. (aside). Poor young man, I treated him too harshly! But it was all a misunderstanding! (To Selwyn.) You quite comprehend, don’t you? The gentleman said he was already engaged to my girl; that’s why I consented. You are sure you understand?

Sel. (aside). I can’t say I do—but that’s a detail.

Blith. So I have come back to see him—besides, I want my hat.

Sel. (aside). He seems very fond of his old headgear.

Dibbs (entering). Not there, sir!

Blith. Dear! Dear! How unfortunate! My girl made me promise not to come back this time until I could bring her some good news.

Sel. (to Dibbs). Look in the other rooms.

Dibbs. Yes, sir.

(Exit Dibbs, R.

Sel. Do you set much value on your loss?

Blith. My daughter’s happiness is at stake!

Sel. (aside). His daughter’s happiness concerned in the recovery of his old hat! (Aloud.) Ah! Been in the family a long time? I suppose a kind of heirloom?

Blith. I never knew a man termed an heirloom before!

Sel. I am speaking of your hat.

Blith. Oh! I was referring to Fred.

Sel. Fred!

Blith. The poor child has opened her heart to me—and says she has written to him, asking him to seek me out, but he seems to deny all knowledge of the letters.

Sel. The letters? (A suspicion crossing his mind.)

Blith. The messenger says he gave them to a servant here. (Goes, L.)

Enter Dibbs.

Sel. (aside). Messenger! Letters! It is getting worse and worse! This Tompkins must be the father of the girl Lottie who wrote to me!

Dibbs (re-entering, C.). No signs, sir!

Blith. (to Dibbs). Oh! Do you know anything, young man, of any letters left here to-day? (Dibbs looks across at Selwyn, who is making signs to him.)

Blith. Why don’t you listen?

Dibbs. The master was making signs——Sel. (angrily). Making signs! I? (Makes more signs.) Bosh!

Blith. The letters were addressed to Mr. Frederick Bellamy and came from a young lady——

Sel. (aside). More proof! This must be my incognita’s parent!

Dibbs. Oh! Yes! I took them in right enough! (To Selwyn, who continues to gesticulate.) What’s the matter, sir? Is it fits coming on?

Sel. (aside). I should like to strangle him!

Blith. (to Dibbs). What did you do with them?

Dibbs (pointing to Selwyn). I gave them to the governor!

Sel. To me!! (Aside.) Get out, or I will discharge you!

Dibbs (aside). More of it! This is a good-tempered family! (Exit, L. U. E.)

Blith. (to Selwyn). Then you must have opened them?

Sel. Not exactly—but of course——(embarrassed.)

Blith. Not that it will matter now the wedding is so soon to come off!

Sel. (aside). He thinks I can marry his daughter!

Blith. I shall be glad to see her settled!

Sel. (aside). He will see me settled soon! (Aloud.) Would you mind stepping into the library?—we can continue our explanation there. (Aside.) Anything to prevent his meeting my wife!

Blith. Certainly! (Exeunt Selwyn and Blithers, R. 2 E.)

Enter Fred, with pistol case; he puts hat on table, L.

Fred. I couldn’t get any good swords, but my friend Dawkins has lent me a couple of capital pistols. As I was the challenged party I have the choice of weapons. By Jove! I will do a little practicing before the glass to see if my hand’s steady.

(Exit Fred into his room, L. 2 E.

Enter Mrs. Selwyn, L. U. E.

Mrs. S. From an upper window I just observed Sam cross the road and come sneaking into his own house with blue spectacles on! Why? There’s a mystery in the air that I mean to fathom—for the wife who would allow her husband to have a secret all to himself does not deserve to have a mother to instruct her in the wicked ways of the male sex in general, and married men in particular! (Sits, R.)

Enter Grace, L. U. E.

Grace. Oh! mamma, something dreadful is going to happen through that awful quarrel! Dibbs is polishing up two swords and whistling the “Dead March in Saul” in a way that makes my blood run cold! (Sits on sofa.)

Mrs. S. He’s in it, too! Only let a man make up his mind to deceive his wife—and everything masculine from a boy in buttons to a Judge on the bench will lend him a hand! They are all in the swim, and they know it! My child, it would be far better for you to give up this idea of wedded bliss!

Grace. I know, mamma, everybody knows—marriage is a lottery.

Mrs. S. For the men—yes! but for the women—no! You can’t call a thing a lottery when there are no prizes at all; it then becomes a mere swindle!

Grace. Oh, mamma! You always go on like this when papa grumbles at your bonnet bill.

Enter Dibbs quickly, with card, L. U. E.

Dibbs. Oh, sir, here’s the young lady!—(putting card behind him and giving little whistle.) Whew!—the missus!

Mrs. S. What? (To Grace.) Go to your room, Grace; I want to talk to Dibbs.

(Exit Grace, R. 2 E.

Mrs. S. Now, Dibbs, what is that in your hand?

Dibbs. Nothing, mum. (Producing hand from behind back, empty.)

Mrs. S. The other one?

Dibbs (passing card from hand to hand behind him). Same, mum!

Mrs. S. Both together! (Business, etc.) Ah! I thought so! (Taking card from him.) You may go—stop—(reading card.) Show the lady up, and not a word of warning to her that she will meet me instead of your master. If you breathe a syllable to her you shall be discharged. Keep whistling all the while go that I may know you are not telling her. (Dibbs whistles Dead March and goes off slowly; he is heard in the distance as if he went downstairs. The sound becomes louder as he returns with lady.)

Enter Dibbs, followed by Miss Lottie Blithers; she is a showily-dressed young lady of prepossessing appearance.

Mrs. S. (to Dibbs, who continues to whistle). That will do!

(Exit Dibbs.

Miss B. Pardon my intrusion, madam, but I have called respecting a gentleman residing here.

Mrs. S. Indeed!

Miss B. I have written to him more than once, but received no answer.

Mrs. S. Recently?

Miss B. To-day.

Mrs. S. (recollecting the letter of Act I.). Written here—was your letter signed “Lottie”?

Miss B. Yes. It’s my name. I have placed myself in a false position, and I want my husband at once to release me from it.

Mrs. S. Have you brought him with you?

Miss B. No—I am here to find him!Mrs. S. To find him! (Aside.) That letter was not for Fred, but for Sam, after all. (Aloud.) When did you last see him?

Miss B. Last night.

Mrs. S. (aside). So he took advantage of my short absence! (Aloud.) Madam, I am loath to hurt your feelings, but I fear that you have been imposed upon by a married man!

Miss B. Married! Oh! I see now why he pretended our union must be kept secret from the world! I am a wretched woman! (Sobbing, sits L.)

Mrs. S. I, too, have been blinded, but we will unmask the traitor between us. Step in here!

Miss B. Oh! I could tear his eyes out!

Mrs. S. That I could never allow you to do. I want to do it myself!

(Exit Miss Blithers into room, L.

Mrs. S. (locking door). Now to confront the double-dyed deceiver! He shall not know I have learnt all his perfidies! I know I have him firmly on the hook—and I will play with him in order to watch his struggles! He comes, the wretch!

Enter Selwyn, R. 2 E., looking very anxious; seeing his wife he assumes a sickly sort of smile.

Sel. So glad you are here, dearest!

Mrs. S. (confronting him, severely). You told me Lottie’s letter was not for you.

Sel. Lot—Lottie! (Nervously).

Mrs. S. I speak plainly, do I not? Lottie—you know Lottie?

Sel. Yes! I know—or I did know—a lot of Lotties—but all at a respectful distance—and a very long while ago.

Mrs. S. I refer to last night only!

Sel. (aside). Done for! She’s found me out! (Aloud.) Last night? Let me see—where was I last night?

Mrs. S. No doubt where you have often been before.

Sel. (aside). She means the “Geranium.” Yes, my dear, I have been there before—but alone! always alone!

Mrs. S. Samuel! Elaborate lies are useless—She’s here now! Yes, she came for you and saw me!

Sel. (feebly). Appearances may be against me, but——

Mrs. S. No excuses! If you don’t make a full confession of everything you did last night, never hope to be forgiven. I have only to open that door, and she will give me a full account herself, but I prefer to hear it from your guilty lips! Go on!

Sel. (with an effort). Well, Bella! Last night, feeling lonely, I wandered down Knightsbridge way, and dropped in on Dobbinson—and that’s all! (Pulling up suddenly.)

Mrs. S. That’s not all! Shall I open the door?

Sel. (anxiously). No! no! Well, after dinner, feeling unwell, the salmon had disagreed with me, I think—I started to walk home—and—and—that’s all!

Mrs. S. (sternly). Go on, sir!

Sel. (piteously). I was near the Marble Arch when I heard footsteps behind me—female footsteps—I turned and beheld a lady—so—I—I—hastily fled—and that’s all!

Mrs. S. Sir! It is not all!

Sel. Isn’t it? If you know so much about it, why ask me?

Mrs. S. I mean to make you feel ashamed of yourself! Go on!

Sel. She asked me the way to Ludgate Hill—and that is all!

Mrs. S. (sternly). Go on!

Sel. Nearly all! I directed her—and I won’t deny (for I scorn evasion!) that I even accompanied her as far as Piccadilly! And there I left her, and if that isn’t all may I be——

Mrs. S. You will be—no doubt! I have heard enough of your miserable confession. (Giving key.) Now open the door, and let the creature go about her business! You will never be left alone again! Never so long as I live! (Going, R.)

Sel. (taking key, crossing L., and with great hesitation opening door). This is torture! Step this way, please Miss!

Fred appears at open door, L.

Sel. Fred!

Mrs. S. Fred! Oh! I have locked the hussy in with him! Where is the young woman?

Fred. Oh! She’s all right! Had a cry at first, but I soon consoled her! Don’t look astonished—it’s all correct—we have been alone together before!

Mrs. S. (to Selwyn). You hear! A nice character you have picked up!

Enter Blithers, C., still with hat.

Mrs. S. Mr. Tompkins!—I cannot stay here to be degraded in the presence of a poet! (Exit Mrs. Selwyn, R. 2 E.)

Blith. (to Fred). Welcome, son-in-law! Welcome! Come to my arms!

Fred. Oh! Father-in-law!

Sel. (aside). They have made it up!

Blith. My girl has confessed that she loves you—and you alone—she never cared for that Captain Katskill.

Fred. I knew she didn’t!

Sel. (aside). Oh! So Fred knew Lottie all this while!

Blith. When will you be married?

Fred. Oh, we’ve arranged all that!

Sel. Fred’s going to marry her!—oh!

Blith. We had better make haste back to her—for she was rather impatient.

Fred. No occasion—she’s here!

Sel. (aside). He saved my life!—In common justice I ought to tell him. (Taking him aside.) Pause before you link yourself with this man’s daughter. She is the girl I had supper with last night.Fred (leaping upon Selwyn and pinning him on chair). Calumniator!

Blith. Hullo! This is a sudden out-break!

Sel. (half choked). Let—go—my—throat!

Fred. Confess you have slandered her!

Blith. Slandered whom? (Dodging round them.)

Sel. Yes! Yes! Anything you like! (Fred releases Selwyn, who then produces letters.) But look at those proofs.

Fred. Lottie’s letters (kisses them) to me.

Sel. To you? Who is Lottie, then?

Blith. My daughter! Of course!

Sel. Your daughter? Then who the devil is in that room? (Going to door meets Lottie Blithers.) This is not the young woman I met—this is not my Lottie! (Lottie crosses to Fred.)

Fred. No! She’s mine. It’s all serene, don’t worry yourself! (Putting arm round her waist.)

Sel. But I do worry myself—and it is not all serene—for I have just confessed to my wife!

Fred. Well?

Sel. Well! And I shouldn’t have done so if I hadn’t thought the real girl I met was in that room—I have given myself away, that’s what I have done!

Enter Dibbs—to Fred.

Dibbs. Please, sir, here’s Captain Katskill called for you!

Fred. I had forgotten my duel!

Blith. You in a duel!

Sel. Oh! It can be arranged now! (Blithers crosses to C.)

Dibbs. Come in, Captain Catstail!

Enter Captain Katskill.

Capt. K. Oh! I thought you were alone! (Going towards Blithers.) Mr. Selwyn, allow me to explain.

Sel. Selwyn! No, you mean Tompkins.

Fred. Tompkins? No—you mean Blithers!

Capt. K. (to Blithers). Are you not Mr. Selwyn?

Blith. Certainly not!

Sel. How many more times? I am Mr. Selwyn. (Turning to Blithers.) Are you not Tompkins?

Blith. No!

Capt. K. By the piper who refused to play before Moses, I see it all!

Sel. And I see nothing but a fearful fog? (Taking hat which Fred has placed upon table, L.) Since you turn out not to be Tompkins!

Dibbs. Oh! So the old cuckoo ain’t Tompkins at all!

Sel. (hat in hand). Isn’t this yours? (Crosses to Blithers.)

Blith. Emphatically—No!

Sel. Then it wasn’t you I—(making gesture of fighting) last night?

Blith. No!

Sel. (threateningly). Then what the devil do you mean by allowing me to apologize.