Scene:—The same; Mrs. Selwyn is discovered seated at secretaire writing; Grace looking over her shoulder.

Mrs. S. That will do, I think! (Strikes bell.)

Enter Dibbs.

Dibbs. Yes’m!

Mrs. S. Dibbs, I have a somewhat confidential errand to send you upon. You know the young gentleman who sent in his card this morning?

Dibbs. Yes, ma’am—good looking gent—touch of the brogue about him!

Mrs. S. That’s right! Take this letter to the address upon it, and give it into his own hands—remember, his own hands.

Dibbs. Suttingly, mum! (Going towards door.)

Mrs. S. And, Dibbs,—ahem—you need not mention your errand to my husband.

Dibbs. Not for the world, ma’am. (Aside.) Another secret! If this don’t get me a rise at the end of the month nothing will!

(Exit at back.

Grace. It is good of you, mamma, to help us at a time when papa seems so unreasonable—I will never have Mr. Bellamy, never!

Mrs. S. You never shall, my darling, but hush, here comes one of the enemy. (They sit, one on R., the other on L.)

Enter Fred still with Directory and hat in his hands; he falls exhausted in arm chair.

Fred. Pouf! A nice time I have had of it! (Seeing ladies and coming C.) Oh! I beg pardon, Mrs. Selwyn and Miss Grace! (They take no notice of him.) They don’t hear me apparently! (Aloud.) It’s very cool to-day, don’t you think so? (They turn their backs on him and give him the cut direct; Mrs. Selwyn, R., Grace, L.) This is strange! May I ask if Mr. Selwyn has gone out? (They remain silent.) Is this a joke or a new parlor game? (Speaking loudly.) I beg pardon, but is Mr. Selwyn at home?

Mrs. S. (turning towards him with icy coldness). Were you addressing us, Mr. Bellamy?

Fred. Yes! that was my intention!

Mrs. S. I am surprised you should dare to show your face here!

Grace. Even if you did save papa’s life you have no right to make me miserable!

Mrs. S. No gentleman would attempt to force his affections where they are not wanted!

Fred. Excuse me!

Mrs. S. Especially after such deceit which has luckily been discovered in time; of course we cannot argue with you if your own sense of honor does not prompt you to do what is right.

Fred (puzzled). Really, Mrs. Selwyn, you must be more explicit!

Mrs. S. We have said all that need be said to anyone with a spark of proper feeling. Good day, Mr. Bellamy!

Grace (imitating her mother). Good day, sir! (They courtesy very formally and go out, L. U. E.)

Fred (following them he has door slammed in his face, then putting down hat and Directory). What does this mean? I’m sent on a wild goose chase after a confounded Tompkins and on my return I am coolly snubbed by the wife and daughter of the man for whom I am slaving! I won’t put up with it! No! Thirty-seven Tompkinses have I tracked to their several and respective abodes. Most of them lived at the top of the houses, too! (Noting card left by Blithers.) What’s this, “Bosco Blithers!” What does it mean? He’s my Lottie’s father-in-law—what can he want here? Pshaw! He can’t have called here at all, I must have dropped the card myself! (Sitting down again, L.)

Sel. (entering exhausted, C.). I’m done up! They ought not to be allowed to make such long streets. (He sits.) Hullo! Do you know where that Dibbs is?

Fred. Not the least idea!

Sel. (wiping his forehead). I want to know if a young—a female has been here for me—have you seen one?

Fred. How the deuce can I tell? Haven’t I just returned from my Tompkins’s hunting?

Sel. I thought I saw her in a cab and ran a mile before I could get a peep inside. Oh, Fred! old man, if you knew how my heart was aching, and my corns were shooting, you would pity me!

Fred. Look here, Mr. Selwyn, I can’t stay here to hound down the entire Tompkins’s tribe. I shall leave town to-night!

Sel. What? Desert me in the moment of danger?

Fred. I’m no welcome guest in this house—the ladies don’t like me!

Sel. Not like you! They must like you, they shall dote on the very ground you walk on!

Fred. I don’t expect that, but I object to being openly snubbed.

Sel. Oh, it will soon blow over—don’t take any notice—it’s their way—mere whim—women are so whimmy!

Fred. But you know when it comes to——

Sel. (rising and crossing to him). I apologize! There! I don’t know what they did, but whatever it was I profess the utmost regret that it should have occurred—this is no time for us to part, we are each seated on a volcano—(Whispering.) She’s written to me!

Fred. Who?

Sel. The girl I met last night! She said she wanted to see me at once—but forgot to put her number in Bond street in her letter, so I have been trotting up and down for three hours inquiring for her by her Christian name, as I know no other. I want to buy her silence! That’s volcano number one!

Fred. What’s the other Vesuvius?

Sel. “Tompkins” has been here! You know Tompkins, the duelist.

Fred. No!

Sel. I offered to apologize to him, too, but he was one of those bland but bloodthirsty fellows who thirst for human gore—he wouldn’t hear of it—I got his address, I flew to humiliate myself on his doorstep, but he had given me a false one.

Fred. A false doorstep!

Sel. No, a false address—but we must find the real one—go on, dear boy, go on with your search. (Handing Directory and hat.) Take your implements! Stanley discovered Livingstone, why shouldn’t Bellamy discover Tompkins?

Fred. It’s as bad as the treadmill—they all live in lodgings and just under the tiles, these beastly Tompkinses!

Sel. How many of the infernal family have you found already?

Fred. Thirty-seven!

Sel. Did you question them?

Fred. Minutely! Three of them acknowledged to having had a fight last night.

Sel. Ah!

Fred. One with a sweep, one with a dog, and one with his wife!

Sel. There are two hundred and fifty-two left to cross-examine. I have heard more about him since you left—he’s a poet! Author of the Frost-bitten Nose, or something that sends a shiver down your back and makes your spine jingle like a Christy minstrel’s bones!

Fred (aside). If he thinks I’m going for ever on this Tompkins’s hunting, he’s much mistaken! I shall go straight to my Lottie and stop there! (Crosses to R.) That’s what I shall do!

Sel. That’s right! Once more into the breach, dear boy! If you are tired take a cab—I’ll go halves in it with you! (Exit Fred, C.) What devotion! Can I refuse to let this man marry my daughter? No!

Dibbs (entering, L. U. E.). Mr. Bellamy not here, sir?

Sel. Just gone out! What do you want?

Dibbs. It’s another messenger with another letter “from the same lady as before” he said! (Selwyn seizes and tears it open nervously aside.) Now, I’ll just go and tell Captain Katskill the governor’s alone. Missus told me to watch for an opportunity.

(Exit Dibbs, L. U. E.

Sel. She says she knows I must be ill or I would come to her—she will be here in an hour! Horror upon horror’s head! No address again! Oh, why won’t women complete their letters? (Re-enter Dibbs, L. U. E.) Dibbs, where’s the messenger?

Dibbs. Gone, sir!

Sel. Perhaps I could catch him—I’ll do a bit of sprinting! (Rushes off, C.)

Dibbs. Hi! sir, I never told you which way he went! (Rushes after him, C.)

Enter Blithers, L. U. E., with hat as before.

Blith. Thank you! Thank you, my good girl, don’t trouble, I know the way! Sir, I—nobody here! Well, I must wait. (Puts hat down on chair in front of secretaire and seats himself on sofa.) This time I will not leave without my own hat. I can’t attend at Dr. Swishby’s in this! The boys would pelt me! I have already missed two private lessons and my wife has been blowing me up as high as a kite. (Puts hat on chair L. of table R.)

Enter Captain Katskill, L. U. E.

Capt. K. (he speaks with slight Irish accent). There he is! Now for it! Charge!

Blith. (seeing Captain Katskill). Hullo! an arrival!

Capt. K. Sir, I salute you!

Blith. (most politely). Sir, I do ditto! (They bow.)

Capt. K. A quare collection of fatures to have on one face. What of that? It’s the daughter I want, not the father.

Blith. (aside). This must be Mr. Selwyn’s son, I presume!

Capt. K. Excuse me want of boldness——

Blith. Not at all! Fine day?Capt. K. Sor, it is within your power to make it the finest day of all me life!

Blith. Eh? (Aside.) An excitable young man! (Aloud.) How’s your father?

Capt. K. When we last heard from Ballybog—that was two weeks ago——

Blith. Two weeks!

Capt. K. You know he was over there, did you not?

Blith. I cannot say I did! (Aside.) It isn’t Selwyn’s son at all! (Aloud.) Might I inquire your name, sir?

Capt. K. Didn’t ye know it? Captain Katskill, of the 55th—the fighting 55th!

Blith. (as if he recognized him). Oh! indeed, I am delighted to hear it! (Aside.) Who is he?

Capt. K. You can, of course, guess the object of my visit?

Blith. Well, yes—and on the other hand no! (Aside.) He evidently knows me. (Aloud.) Of course, I should be in a better position to answer if——

Capt. K. Sir, excuse egotism, but in such a position as mine it is necessary to talk of one’s self! I am an only son.

Blith. Fortunate privilege!

Capt. K. My father was a soldier like myself and an honorable man——

Blith. I do not doubt it!

Capt. K. My grandfather was in the army, too, and known in the Peninsula as “Devil-may-care Katskill.”

Blith. I congratulate you on your connections! (Aside.) What does he want to be so communicative for?

Capt. K. Your next question naturally is, “What is your fortune? What are your prospects?”

Blith. Sir! I would not take so great a liberty!

Capt. K. From an uncle on my mother’s side I shall come into five hundred a year.

Blith. Not to be sneezed at, certainly!

Capt. K. At present I have only my pay, and about two hundred a year from my father; but the Kilkenny Katskills were never rich, and always better hands at drawing a sword than a cheque. Is this an answer to your inquiries?

Blith. (bowing). Sir, you are very polite! (Aside.) It seems the thing in society to make known your exact financial position! I will return the compliment. (Aloud.) Sir, I am the fifteenth child of a score of pledges Heaven sent to bless my parents’ declining years—my early days were passed——

Capt. K. (attempting to stop him). Oh! Don’t mention it!

Blith. (insisting). Passed at the village of Slopton-on-the-Slushy.

Capt. K. Do not give me a description of your past life! (With passion.) I love your charming child!

Blith. (astounded). What!

Capt. K. To obtain her hand is my ardent aspiration!

Blith. (aside). What a match for my girl. (Aloud.) Pray sit down, sir. (Noticing that Captain Katskill is about to sit down on chair by secretary where hat is placed.) But not on my hat!

Capt. K. A thousand pardons! (Politely handing it to Blithers, he reads name inside.) “Selwyn,” his card is at the bottom.

Blith. May I ask how you came to know I was here?

Capt. K. It was your excellent wife who sent me to you.

Blith. You have seen her? She knows about your pretensions?

Capt. K. She honors me by her preference—as does your jewel of a daughter.

Blith. It’s as good as settled then?

Capt. K. I now only await your consent. (Rising.)

Blith. You have it, my boy! Bless you! (With emotion.)

Capt. K. Oh! How can I testify my gratitude?

Blith. By being good to the girl—for I love her as if she were my own.

Capt. K. As if she were—Is she not your own?

Blith. I am her step father only!

Capt. K. But she bears your name?

Blith. (explaining on fingers). Yes, I married my cousin’s widow, so our names are the same. When do you propose to be married? (Putting back chair.)

Capt. K. (ardently). As soon as possible!—Sooner if not before!

Blith. You are a Hibernian, and therefore impetuous.

Capt. K. Yet I was afraid to meet you! For I thought you favored a certain Mr. Bellamy.

Blith. No! Although I have heard he has been making up to my girl—and has bought a good many pairs of new gloves! Ha! Ha!

Capt. K. Ha Ha! (Aside.) I don’t know what he’s laughing at—but I suppose it’s all right. (Aloud.) Allow me to take my leave. (Bowing.)

Blith. Don’t mention it! (Both bowing. Exit Captain Katskill, L. U. E.)

Blith. We shall be a polite family when we get this young man amongst us! Now about this hat—I seem to be forgotten altogether. Hullo!

Enter Fred, C., much agitated and still with Directory and hat.

Fred. At last I have caught you!

Blith. (aside). This is the young man commissioned to restore my beaver.

Fred. You know all!

Blith. (puzzled). That’s rather a lot to know—but still——

Fred. Hush! For two hours I have been following in your footsteps—(Restraining Blithers, who wishes to speak.) She tells me she has written twice—but what has become of her letters? When I arrived at the little shop I learnt all! They told me you were here, and so I rushed back to catch you!

Blith. To catch me? What for?

Fred. Oh! sir, I am young—she is young—you were young—once!

Blith. Yes, but——

Fred. Sir, she is lovely—I am considered fairly good-looking—you may have been good-looking yourself!

Blith. No! I——

Fred. Yes—I insist on giving you the benefit of the doubt! Sir, we loved! That is our excuse!

Blith. You loved? Who loved?

Fred. I am of good family—my grandfather——

Blith. Was “Devil-may-care-Kilkenny!”—No! (Aside.) That was the other fellow’s grandfather!

Fred. No! He was a druggist—and my father——

Blith. Stop! I have had enough pedigree for one day.

Fred. You have a right to be wrathful! I know I should have told you all this before—but, sir, you are not inhuman, and remember I loved her so!

Blith. (aside). He must be mad like the servant! Perhaps this is an asylum! (Aloud, uneasily.) Come! Come! My good young man! Be calm! Are you often like this?

Fred. Always! And always shall be until you forgive me! Oh! sir, we will take a pretty country cottage, and you shall live with us—we will watch over your declining years! And our babes unborn will circle round your bedside—and close your venerable eyelids when you leave us!

Blith. (irritated). No, thank you! You will please request your babes to let my eyelids alone!

Fred. It can’t be! Say—Oh! say you forgive me and open your withered arms to embrace the most repentant of sons-in-law.

Blith. Sons-in-law!

Fred. Don’t be angry with poor little Lottie!

Blith. Angry with my daughter? What for?

Fred. Why—for what she’s done! Don’t you know all about it?

Blith. No!

Fred. They told me you did!

Blith. Look here, young man—to prevent more mixing we had better begin at the beginning—I am Bosco Blithers—Who the deuce are you?

Fred. Whom should I be but Frederick Bellamy?

Blith. (aside). Lottie’s best glove customer. (Aloud.) Well, what do you want?

Fred. Your consent, it is too late to ask—but your forgiveness you cannot refuse——

Blith. I can—and I do! Lottie is engaged to Captain Cornelius Katskill.

Fred. Engaged! She can’t be!

Blith. I tell you she is! For she loves him to distraction! He confessed it!

Fred (in passion). If he said that he is a——

Blith. (stopping him). Hush!

Fred. So he is, if he dared say that! He shall withdraw his words or I will kill him. (Crossing, L.)

Blith. Kill my future son-in-law! I forbid you!

Fred. What! Do you defend him?

Enter Selwyn, R. 2 E.

Sel. What’s this? Fred confabulating with the duellist!

Fred (to Blithers). It’s no use! I will fight! Return to your Irishman, and tell him so! (Business. Blithers endeavoring to pacify Fred.)

Sel. What’s all this about?

Blith. (who has given up restraining Fred, in despair. Fred down L., in chair). About? About as near to raving madness as ever was seen! Go and buy a straight-jacket, sir, he’s a lunatic. While you are at the straight waistcoat shop you may as well purchase half a dozen, for he’s not the only madman on the premises.

(Exit Blithers, L. U. E.

Sel. I see it all! He would save my life a second time, by challenging this deliberate desperado!

Enter Mrs. Selwyn, L. U. E.

Mrs. S. What is the matter, Sam?

Sel. I don’t know—I’ll ask Fred! Fred! my dear boy, what is the matter? (Fred has sunk down with his face in his hands, L.) On what are you meditating, Fred?

Fred. I am meditating why I did not let you stop at the bottom of the lake. I mean to leave this wretched London, where all is perfidy and deceit!

Enter Grace, L. U. E.

Fred (going up to Grace). Good-bye, Miss Selwyn, and good-bye, Mrs. Selwyn, good-bye, Sam. If I met the wretch who has supplanted me in her affections I should slay him. Tell her that I return to my native village to avoid having to kill her Cornelius.

Fred. Yes! I will spare the man she loves—but we must not meet, or I will not be answerable for my acts.

Sel. Oh! bosh! What are you talking about? Who is this Cornelius? Cheer up, Fred, and she shall marry you—and not him!

Fred. Too late! I know she prefers my rival! It’s all settled.

Sel. Settled! It’s not settled! It can’t be settled without my consent!

Mrs. S. (crosses to C.). Consent! You know you have given that! He said he’d seen you just now and you had blessed him!

Sel. Seen me!

Grace. Yes. Now don’t change your mind again, pa!

Sel. I shall lose my temper presently. (To Fred.) I say you shall have her!

Grace (throwing herself into her mother’s arms). Oh, ma, it’s broken off again!

Fred. Thanks for your good intentions. But how can you interfere? You are not her father.

(Exit Fred, L. 2 E. quickly.

Sel. Not her father! What? Here I say! (He rushes after Fred, who slams his door.)

Enter Dibbs, hurriedly, C.

Dibbs. Sir, sir! (Mr. Selwyn sits, L.)

Sel. What is it now?

Dibbs (aside, taking him down, R.). A lady downstairs—says she must see Mr. Fred Bellamy—her name’s Lottie—and she says she’s been deceived——

Sel. Great Goodness! ’Tis she! (Aside to Dibbs.) Hush, not a word! I’ll be there in an instant.

(Exit Dibbs, C.

Capt. K. (entering, L. U. E.). Me darling!

Sel. (stopping). Who’s this familiar fellow?

Grace. Oh! Corney! Papa’s changed his mind again, and withdrawn his consent!

Capt. K. Would he give you to this Bellamy? (Grace nods, “Yes.”)

Sel. Is that Captain Katskill?

Capt. K. Never while I am alive.

Sel. Excuse me, sir——(advancing).

Capt. K. (only half turning to him). Sir, I did not address meself to you! (Continuing conversation to ladies.) I do not yet despair me darling!

Sel. Darling! How dare you call my——

Capt. K. (sharply). Sir, I am not talking to you!

Sel. (piqued at his abruptness). You are a vagabond!

Capt. K. Sir, for the third and last time I say I am not speaking to you. (Continuing.) After all Mr. Selwyn is not really the father of my Gracie.

Sel. Now he’s at it!

Capt. K. She’s the child of his cousin’s widow—he told me so himself.

Mrs. S. (aside). What does he mean?

Sel. (furious). My cousin’s—what?

Enter Fred, with his luggage in hand, L. 2 E.

Sel. Look here, Captain Killarney——

Capt. K. Katskill of Kilkenny, sir!

Fred (dropping his luggage with a bang). Katskill!

Sel. You want to marry my daughter, and yet you dare to insult me!

Fred. He wants to marry Grace! Just now he wanted to marry Lottie!

All. Lottie!

Fred. Yes! Lottie Blithers! Dare you deny it, you Hibernia Don Juan! Her own father told me all about it.

Mrs. S. Can this be true?

Sel. He wants two wives! (Music till end of act.)

Enter Dibbs suddenly, C.

Dibbs. No, three!

All. Wha-a-t?

Dibbs. A Mormonite!

Capt. K. (threatening Dibbs). Ah! Ye young divil!

Dibbs (dodging behind bureau). Who’s afraid? You know you’re after Miss Tompkins! I listened at the keyhole and heard you ask the old man!

Sel. Any more? (Vehemently.)

Mrs. S. (to Captain Katskill indignantly). Leave this house, sir!

Capt. K. Ladies! I swear—Grace——

Grace (very angry). Don’t Grace me, sir! Adieu for ever!

Capt. K. Oh! (To Fred.) It is you, sir, I have to thank for this!

Fred (defiantly). Well?

Capt. K. I shall call you out!

Sel. Hullo! Baulked in his bigamy, he thirsts for blood!

Capt. K. Name your weapons!

Fred. What you like.

Capt. K. Place?

Fred. Where you like.

Capt. K. Time?

Fred. When you like!

Capt. K. You shall never marry her! I am one of the fighting Katskills of Kilkenny; we never leave off while there’s a bit of us left!

Sel. (rushing to Fred). Kill my preserver? (Business of restraining Captain Katskill and Fred, who are held back on L. and R. by the others throwing themselves between them.)

Act Drop Quick.