  Enter MRS. CANDOUR and SERVANT SERVANT. Indeed Ma'am, my Lady will see nobody at Present. MRS. CANDOUR. Did you tell her it was her Friend Mrs. Candour—— SERVANT. Yes Ma'am but she begs you will excuse her—— MRS. CANDOUR. Do go again—I shall be glad to see her if it be only for a moment—for I am sure she must be in great Distress [exit MAID] —Dear Heart—how provoking!—I'm not mistress of half the circumstances!—We shall have the whole affair in the newspapers with the Names of the Parties at length before I have dropt the story at a dozen houses. Enter SIR BENJAMIN Sir Benjamin you have heard, I suppose—— SIR BENJAMIN. Of Lady Teazle and Mr. Surface—— MRS. CANDOUR. And Sir Peter's Discovery—— SIR BENJAMIN. O the strangest Piece of Business to be sure—— MRS. CANDOUR. Well I never was so surprised in my life!—I am so sorry for all Parties—indeed, SIR BENJAMIN. Now I don't Pity Sir Peter at all—he was so extravagant—partial to Mr. Surface—— MRS. CANDOUR. Mr. Surface!—why 'twas with Charles Lady Teazle was detected. SIR BENJAMIN. No such thing Mr. Surface is the gallant. MRS. CANDOUR. No—no—Charles is the man—'twas Mr. Surface brought Sir Peter on purpose to discover them—— SIR BENJAMIN. I tell you I have it from one—— MRS. CANDOUR. And I have it from one—— SIR BENJAMIN. Who had it from one who had it—— MRS. CANDOUR. From one immediately—but here comes Lady Sneerwell—perhaps she knows the whole affair. Enter LADY SNEERWELL LADY SNEERWELL. So—my dear Mrs. Candour Here's a sad affair of our Friend Teazle—— MRS. CANDOUR. Aye my dear Friend, who could have thought it. LADY SNEERWELL. Well there is no trusting to appearances[;] tho'—indeed she was always too lively for me. MRS. CANDOUR. To be sure, her manners were a little too—free—but she was very young—— LADY SNEERWELL. And had indeed some good Qualities. MRS. CANDOUR. So she had indeed—but have you heard the Particulars? LADY SNEERWELL. No—but everybody says that Mr. Surface—— SIR BENJAMIN. Aye there I told you—Mr. Surface was the Man. MRS. CANDOUR. No—no—indeed the assignation was with Charles—— LADY SNEERWELL. With Charles!—You alarm me Mrs. Candour! MRS. CANDOUR. Yes—yes He was the Lover—Mr. Surface—do him justice—was only the Informer. SIR BENJAMIN. Well I'll not dispute with you Mrs. Candour—but be it which it may—I hope that Sir Peter's wound will not—— MRS. CANDOUR. Sir Peter's wound! O mercy! I didn't hear a word of their Fighting—— LADY SNEERWELL. Nor I a syllable! SIR BENJAMIN. No—what no mention of the Duel—— MRS. CANDOUR. Not a word— SIR BENJAMIN. O, Lord—yes—yes—they fought before they left the Room. LADY SNEERWELL. Pray let us hear. MRS. CANDOUR. Aye—do oblige—us with the Duel—— SIR BENJAMIN. 'Sir'—says Sir Peter—immediately after the Discovery, 'you are a most ungrateful Fellow.' MRS. CANDOUR. Aye to Charles—— SIR BENJAMIN. No, no—to Mr. Surface—'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.' MRS. CANDOUR. Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House. SIR BENJAMIN. Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all—giving me immediate satisfaction—on this, Madam—Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such Danger—ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics—and Charles after her calling out for Hartshorn and Water! Then Madam—they began to fight with Swords—— Enter CRABTREE CRABTREE. With Pistols—Nephew—I have it from undoubted authority. MRS. CANDOUR. Oh, Mr. Crabtree then it is all true—— CRABTREE. Too true indeed Ma'am, and Sir Peter Dangerously wounded—— SIR BENJAMIN. By a thrust in second—quite thro' his left side CRABTREE. By a Bullet lodged in the Thorax—— MRS. CANDOUR. Mercy—on me[!] Poor Sir Peter—— CRABTREE. Yes, ma'am tho' Charles would have avoided the matter if he could—— MRS. CANDOUR. I knew Charles was the Person—— SIR BENJAMIN. O my Unkle I see knows nothing of the matter—— CRABTREE. But Sir Peter tax'd him with the basest ingratitude—— SIR BENJAMIN. That I told you, you know—— CRABTREE. Do Nephew let me speak—and insisted on immediate—— SIR BENJAMIN. Just as I said—— CRABTREE. Odds life! Nephew allow others to know something too—A Pair of Pistols lay on the Bureau—for Mr. Surface—it seems, had come home the Night before late from Salt-Hill where He had been to see the Montem with a Friend, who has a Son at Eton—so unluckily the Pistols were left Charged—— SIR BENJAMIN. I heard nothing of this—— CRABTREE. Sir Peter forced Charles to take one and they fired—it seems pretty nearly together—Charles's shot took Place as I tell you—and Sir Peter's miss'd—but what is very extraordinary the Ball struck against a little Bronze Pliny that stood over the Fire Place—grazed out of the window at a right angle—and wounded the Postman, who was just coming to the Door with a double letter from Northamptonshire. SIR BENJAMIN. My Unkle's account is more circumstantial I must confess—but I believe mine is the true one for all that. LADY SNEERWELL. I am more interested in this Affair than they imagine—and must have better information.— [Exit.] SIR BENJAMIN. Ah! Lady Sneerwell's alarm is very easily accounted for.— CRABTREE. Yes yes, they certainly DO say—but that's neither here nor there. MRS. CANDOUR. But pray where is Sir Peter at present—— CRABTREE. Oh! they—brought him home and He is now in the House, tho' the Servants are order'd to deny it—— MRS. CANDOUR. I believe so—and Lady Teazle—I suppose attending him—— CRABTREE. Yes yes—and I saw one of the Faculty enter just before me—— SIR BENJAMIN. Hey—who comes here—— CRABTREE. Oh, this is He—the Physician depend on't. MRS. CANDOUR. O certainly it must be the Physician and now we shall know—— Enter SIR OLIVER CRABTREE. Well, Doctor—what Hopes? MRS. CANDOUR. Aye Doctor how's your Patient? SIR BENJAMIN. Now Doctor isn't it a wound with a small sword—— CRABTREE. A bullet lodged in the Thorax—for a hundred! SIR OLIVER. Doctor!—a wound with a small sword! and a Bullet in the Thorax!—oon's are you mad, good People? SIR BENJAMIN. Perhaps, Sir, you are not a Doctor. SIR OLIVER. Truly Sir I am to thank you for my degree If I am. CRABTREE. Only a Friend of Sir Peter's then I presume—but, sir, you must have heard of this accident— SIR OLIVER. Not a word! CRABTREE. Not of his being dangerously wounded? SIR OLIVER. The Devil he is! SIR BENJAMIN. Run thro' the Body—— CRABTREE. Shot in the breast—— SIR BENJAMIN. By one Mr. Surface—— CRABTREE. Aye the younger. SIR OLIVER. Hey! what the plague! you seem to differ strangely in your accounts—however you agree that Sir Peter is dangerously wounded. SIR BENJAMIN. Oh yes, we agree in that. CRABTREE. Yes, yes, I believe there can be no doubt in that. SIR OLIVER. Then, upon my word, for a person in that Situation, he is the most imprudent man alive—For here he comes walking as if nothing at all was the matter. Enter SIR PETER Odd's heart, sir Peter! you are come in good time I promise you, for we had just given you over! SIR BENJAMIN. 'Egad, Uncle this is the most sudden Recovery! SIR OLIVER. Why, man, what do you do out of Bed with a Small Sword through your Body, and a Bullet lodg'd in your Thorax? SIR PETER. A Small Sword and a Bullet— SIR OLIVER. Aye these Gentlemen would have kill'd you without Law or Physic, and wanted to dub me a Doctor to make me an accomplice. SIR PETER. Why! what is all this? SIR BENJAMIN. We rejoice, Sir Peter, that the Story of the Duel is not true—and are sincerely sorry for your other Misfortune. SIR PETER. So—so—all over the Town already! [Aside.] CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at all at your years. SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours? MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's very much to be pitied. SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it. SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion. SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house. CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort. SIR PETER. I insist on being left to myself, without ceremony,—I insist on your leaving my house directly! MRS. CANDOUR. Well, well, we are going and depend on't, we'll make the best report of you we can. SIR PETER. Leave my house! CRABTREE. And tell how hardly you have been treated. SIR PETER. Leave my House— SIR BENJAMIN. And how patiently you bear it. SIR PETER. Friends! Vipers! Furies! Oh that their own Venom would choke them! SIR OLIVER. They are very provoking indeed, Sir Peter. Enter ROWLEY ROWLEY. I heard high words: what has ruffled you Sir Peter— SIR PETER. Pshaw what signifies asking—do I ever pass a Day without my Vexations? SIR OLIVER. Well I'm not Inquisitive—I come only to tell you, that I have seen both my Nephews in the manner we proposed. SIR PETER. A Precious Couple they are! ROWLEY. Yes and Sir Oliver—is convinced that your judgment was right Sir Peter. SIR OLIVER. Yes I find Joseph is Indeed the Man after all. ROWLEY. Aye as Sir Peter says, He's a man of Sentiment. SIR OLIVER. And acts up to the Sentiments he professes. ROWLEY. It certainly is Edification to hear him talk. SIR OLIVER. Oh, He's a model for the young men of the age! But how's this, Sir Peter? you don't Join us in your Friend Joseph's Praise as I expected. SIR PETER. Sir Oliver, we live in a damned wicked world, and the fewer we praise the better. ROWLEY. What do YOU say so, Sir Peter—who were never mistaken in your Life? SIR PETER. Pshaw—Plague on you both—I see by your sneering you have heard—the whole affair—I shall go mad among you! ROWLEY. Then to fret you no longer Sir Peter—we are indeed acquainted with it all—I met Lady Teazle coming from Mr. Surface's so humbled, that she deigned to request ME to be her advocate with you— SIR PETER. And does Sir Oliver know all too? SIR OLIVER. Every circumstance! SIR PETER. What of the closet and the screen—hey[?] SIR OLIVER. Yes yes—and the little French Milliner. Oh, I have been vastly diverted with the story! ha! ha! ha! SIR PETER. 'Twas very pleasant! SIR OLIVER. I never laugh'd more in my life, I assure you: ha! ha! SIR PETER. O vastly diverting! ha! ha! ROWLEY. To be sure Joseph with his Sentiments! ha! ha! SIR PETER. Yes his sentiments! ha! ha! a hypocritical Villain! SIR OLIVER. Aye and that Rogue Charles—to pull Sir Peter out of the closet: ha! ha! SIR PETER. Ha! ha! 'twas devilish entertaining to be sure— SIR OLIVER. Ha! ha! Egad, Sir Peter I should like to have seen your Face when the screen was thrown down—ha! ha! SIR PETER. Yes, my face when the Screen was thrown down: ha! ha! ha! O I must never show my head again! SIR OLIVER. But come—come it isn't fair to laugh at you neither my old Friend—tho' upon my soul I can't help it— SIR PETER. O pray don't restrain your mirth on my account: it does not hurt me at all—I laugh at the whole affair myself—Yes—yes—I think being a standing Jest for all one's acquaintance a very happy situation—O yes—and then of a morning to read the Paragraphs about Mr. S——, Lady T——, and Sir P——, will be so entertaining!—I shall certainly leave town tomorrow and never look mankind in the Face again! ROWLEY. Without affectation Sir Peter, you may despise the ridicule of Fools—but I see Lady Teazle going towards the next Room—I am sure you must desire a Reconciliation as earnestly as she does. SIR OLIVER. Perhaps MY being here prevents her coming to you—well I'll leave honest Rowley to mediate between you; but he must bring you all presently to Mr. Surface's—where I am now returning—if not to reclaim a Libertine, at least to expose Hypocrisy. SIR PETER. Ah! I'll be present at your discovering yourself there with all my heart; though 'tis a vile unlucky Place for discoveries. SIR OLIVER. However it is very convenient to the carrying on of my Plot that you all live so near one another! [Exit SIR OLIVER.] ROWLEY. We'll follow— SIR PETER. She is not coming here you see, Rowley— ROWLEY. No but she has left the Door of that Room open you perceive.—see she is in Tears—! SIR PETER. She seems indeed to wish I should go to her.—how dejected she appears— ROWLEY. And will you refrain from comforting her— SIR PETER. Certainly a little mortification appears very becoming in a wife—don't you think it will do her good to let her Pine a little. ROWLEY. O this is ungenerous in you— SIR PETER. Well I know not what to think—you remember Rowley the Letter I found of her's—evidently intended for Charles? ROWLEY. A mere forgery, Sir Peter—laid in your way on Purpose—this is one of the Points which I intend Snake shall give you conviction on— SIR PETER. I wish I were once satisfied of that—She looks this way——what a remarkably elegant Turn of the Head she has! Rowley I'll go to her— ROWLEY. Certainly— SIR PETER. Tho' when it is known that we are reconciled, People will laugh at me ten times more! ROWLEY. Let—them laugh—and retort their malice only by showing them you are happy in spite of it. SIR PETER. Efaith so I will—and, if I'm not mistaken we may yet be the happiest couple in the country— ROWLEY. Nay Sir Peter—He who once lays aside suspicion—— SIR PETER. Hold Master Rowley—if you have any Regard for me—never let me hear you utter anything like a Sentiment. I have had enough of THEM to serve me the rest of my Life. [Exeunt.]
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