  Scene.—Outside the Post Office, San Francisco, Cal. TIME.—August, 1919. CHARACTERS
(Self emerges from portals of Post Office. Chorus of voices from crowd.) "'Ere'e is; look at his face; look at his chest. You're one globe-trotter, I'll reckon. How long did it take? How much has it cost? What did you do it for? How'd you like San Francisco?" etc., etc., etc. Myself (dangerously ruffled at not having received a cheque). "Well, and what are you all gaping at, like a lot of half-witted school-kids? Never seen a motor-cycle before? Here, you (to Armenian), where's the Clift Hotel?" Armenian. "Do you vont to zell zis machine?" Myself (successfully concealing rapture at the suggestion). "Sell her, after she's brought me all the way from New York? Sell Her? Why, I'd sooner sell my mother-in-law." Armenian. "I vill gif you 'undred dollar right 'ere." Myself. "Hundred dollars be damned, and you with 'em! Where's the Clift?" Chorus of Voices. "Up the hill here and second on the right. Von 'undred dollar. Follow the trams. Give us yer water-bag, boss. Look at his boots. There's a cop on the corner. Von 'undred ten dollar, right now. Look at 'is 'air," etc., etc. (Exit slowly in procession, Self leading; Alarums and Excursions.) SCENE IIScene.—My room at the Clift Hotel. Half an hour has elapsed. (Self discovered, washing face. There is a knock at the door.) Self. "Come in." (Enter Armenian.) Armenian. "Ah, 'ere you vos. Ze manager tolt me your room. I come right up." Self. "Apparently." Armenian. "I vont to buy your motorsickle; vot you vont for 'im?" Self. "Speak respectfully, please. I want 500 dollars for her." Armenian (throwing up his hands in horror). "Ah, zat vos too much, my frent! Dot vos more zan you give for 'im—for 'er." Self. "And how the devil do you know what I gave for her?" Armenian. "I haf made enquiries, jhust. I af bin to ze aghency 'ere. Zey say it vos 480 dollars." Self. "Well, any fool knows a machine improves with running (the blush is unnoticed beneath my Indian complexion); and what's more, if a machine can stick it all the way across The United States of America it must be a dem good one. I should have asked 600, but I like your face (cold shivers down spine), so I only want 500." Armenian. "Ah, zat vos far too much. I vill gif you von 'undred fifteen—no more." Self. "Nothin' doin', bo. Five hundred. Here's my card; you can call round any time between now and to-morrow midday with the money. If you can't do it by then, you can drop in and see me at Salt Lake City after next Wednesday, or Chicago after next Saturday. Cheerio; close the door as you go out." Armenian (reading card and much awed by same). "Ah, you vos Mistaire Sh—— Captin Sheffer, R.A.F.? I tink you vos vaire rich man. You could afford to gif me ze machine! Not so? Me vaire poor man, Captain Sheffer, R.A.F." Self. "If you knew as much about the Air Force as I do, you'd know better, my friend. Now, for Heaven's sake, buzz off, and don't worry me." (Exit Armenian with bows, shuffles of the feet, and salaams.) SCENE IIIScene.—The same. Half an hour later. A knock. Self. "Come right in." (Enter Armenian.) Self. "What, again? Got the 500?" Armenian. "Grieved to trouble you vonce more, Captin Sheffer, R.A.F., but all ze money I 'af in ze world vos von 'undred twenty-five dollar. Me vaire poor man, Capt——" Self. "Yes, I've heard you say so. I believe you. Now we're both liars." Armenian. "Ah no, you insult me, Captin Sheffer, R.A.F. I am poor, but I am 'onorable man. I tell always ze truth. Zat vos all I 'af in all ze vorld." Self. "Look here, Mister—I don't know what your name is, but I guess you're a Hebrew of some kind——" Armenian. "My name is Mistaire Karachan, and I come from Armenia." Self (aside—"I might have guessed it."). "Well, Mr. Karachan, I'll take your word for it. Give me 125 right now and you can take the machine away with you. She's outside on the pavement. But mind, I shall never want to see your face again." Armenian (moved almost to tears). "Ah, you vos a torough zhentleman, Mistaire Sheffer; all ze Englishmen are zhentlemen. Zer is only von contry in all ze vorld vaire zer are such zhentlemen." Self. "Well, you can hand over the wealth right now, here." Armenian. "Ah, but I 'af not got it wiz me, Mistaire Sheffer. It is too much to carry about in my pocket. But I can gif you fifty dollar and bring ze rest zis afternoon. Zat vos alright? I can take ze machine now, yes no?" Self. "You can take the machine when you've paid me 125 dollars in Cash, and not till then. Get me? I shall be in again at two this afternoon. You can meet me in the hall with the money. Good-bye till then." Armenian. "Vell, you vill gif me written undertaking not to sell it to anyvon till then, Captin Sheffer, R.A.F.?" SCENE IVScene.—The same. Time.—3 p.m. (A knock on the door, followed by Armenian.) Armenian. "Mistaire Sheffer, I 'af come to make you a good bargain. You see zis gold votch? It vos giffen me by my fazer and it is solid gold wiz twenty-von jewels. You could sell it anywhere for fifty dollar. Now you 'af bin zhentleman to me, I vill be zhentleman to you. I vill give you ze votch and von 'undred dollar for your motorsickle! Is it not a bargain, Mistaire Sheffer?" Self. "Get out!" SCENE VScene.—The same. Time.—An hour later. A knock on the door. (Enter Armenian.) Armenian. "Oh, Mistaire Sheffer, I 'af jhust von more offer to——" Self. "Look here, Mr. Karachan, I'm getting fed up with you. Better quit before I bang this water-jug on your head. You've wasted all my day as it is." Armenian. "Ah, you vill not do zat. I know you vill not do zat. You are too much zhentleman. But wait, Mistaire Sheffer. Hear me vot I say. I 'af von great big suggestion to make for you. I make my living viz growing fruit. I 'af small plantation only five mile from 'ere. I vill pay you for your motorsickle viz grapes. I vill gif you five ton of beautiful grapes and send them wherever you like in United States. Or if you not like zat, I vill gif you 'undred dollar and von ton of grapes. Is zat not good offer, yes no?" Self (recovering from momentary speechlessness at the thought of swapping Lizzie for five tons of grapes). "Look here, Mr. Karachan, I've had enough of this fooling. I've undertaken to sell you the machine for 125 dollars, and if you don't bring me the money, and all of it, right now, I'll report you to the police. Now there's an end of it. Get out." (Exit Armenian amid more alarums and excursions.) SCENE VIScene.—The same. Time.—7 p.m. A knock. (Enter Armenian.) Armenian. "Oh, Captin Sheffer, R.A.F., I 'af got your money 'ere, but I 'af bin to ze police to register ze machine and zey say I 'af stolen it and vould not let me come away. After much trouble we telephone a big frend of mine who know police and zey let me come away. But zey vont your address and ze registration certificate you 'af in New York." Self. "But, Good Lord, man, who the devil said you could register it? It isn't yours yet! Give me the money." Armenian (handing me fifty dollars and a cheque for seventy-five). "'Ere it vos, but you vos not angry, Captin Sheffer, R.A.F? I vonted only to save time, because I vont to use ze machine to-morrow." Self. "Yes, but this is no good (showing the cheque). This isn't Cash. How do I know this'll be honoured? Besides, the banks are closed now and won't be open till Monday, and I'm leaving to-morrow." Armenian. "Ah, but no, zey vill 'onour ze cheque. Mistaire ---- is vaire well known in San Francisco. You can speak to 'im on ze telephone if you like and 'e vill tell you ze cheque is all right." Self. "No doubt, but all the same I'll see if the hotel manager here will cash it. If he won't, that's good enough for me. Come along, and we'll see him together." Armenian. "But you vill gif me receipt now, yes no? Ah, but vot is zis? (picking up a small adjustable spanner that lay on the dressing-table). It is part of ze machine! You vould not surely make me pay for a motor-sickle vizout no tools? Ah, Captin Sheffer, R.A.F., it is not jhust; I must 'ave everyzing. Are zer any more——" (At this juncture Armenian is successfully extruded through the doorway, still protesting volubly.) SCENE VIIScene.—In the hall of the Hotel. Manager behind desk. Self. "Excuse me, but I have a favour to ask. I have just done a deal with this gentleman, but as all the banks are closed till Monday, I am wondering if you would be good enough to cash this cheque for me as I am leaving for the East to-morrow." (Manager looks closely at me and proceeds to open till; then, looking at Armenian, pauses for a moment. Ultimately the money is paid over.) (Armenian and Self walk toward door opening on to street.) Self. "What the blazes! Where's Lizzie? I left her up against the pavement. She's gone!" Armenian. "Oh, zat vos alright. I move 'er zis afternoon to a garage round ze corner. Jhust zink how terrible it would be if some one stole 'im!" Self. "Well, I'll be goldarned!" SCENE VIIIScene.—Garage "round the corner." Lizzie stands surrounded by darkness, Armenian, and Self. Self discovered explaining to Armenian how the wheels go round and why. Self. "Well, good-bye, Lizzie, old girl. I grieve to let you go into the hands of this being, but it is all for the best. We've had some jolly times together, but the time is come to part. Good-bye, once and for all; good-bye, good-bye——" Armenian. "Ah, Mistaire Sheffer, you 'av forgot ze adjustable spanner!" Transcriber's Notes |
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