BOOK OF ADMONITIONS

CHAPTER ONE

My Daughter, Hearken Unto My Words, And attend diligently to my counsel; for the understanding of Man is the beginning of a good income, and a knowledge of his ways more profitable than a higher education.

Behold, a woman delighteth to travel the path of love slowly and through devious by-ways of flirtation and sentiment, but a man rusheth over it at the speed limit.

Unto a woman, the first kiss is but the start in the love chase, but unto a man it is ofttimes the finish.

Lo, when a woman weddeth a man, it is in order that she may get him; but when a man weddeth a woman, it is in order that he may prevent another from getting her.

Yea, verily, when a woman clingeth unto single blessedness, it is because she hath met no man with whom she could endure to live; but, when a man remaineth a bachelor, it is because he hath met no woman without whom he cannot live. A man weddeth a woman in order to escape loneliness, and immediately thereafter joineth a club in order to escape the woman.

He marryeth a damsel because she appealeth to his “higher nature”, and spendeth all the rest of his days seeking after those who appeal to his lower nature.

A woman is cast down with doubts lest a man doth not love her; but a man never troubleth his soul, as to whether or not a woman loveth him, but as to whether or not he wanteth her to love him.

Behold, an honest woman may cheat at cards, but never at love; but he considereth himself an “honorable man” that never cheateth at a game of poker though he never playeth fair at the game of hearts.

Go to! Think no man in love while he flattereth thee and extolleth all thy ways; but, when he beginneth to moralise and to criticise thy hats, then mayest thou plan thy trousseau.

When he saveth thy life it may be for chivalry’s sake; but when he carryeth an umbrella to please thee it is for love’s sake. Be not set up when a man giveth thee the key to his heart, for, peradventure, upon the following day, he may change the lock!

Then, how shall a woman understand a man, since they are all cut upon the bias!

Verily, verily, by turning him around, my Daughter, and reading him backward, even as a Chinese laundry ticket!

CHAPTER TWO

How long, oh, ye Easy Ones, shall men continue to call ye “kitten” when they are sentimental and “cat” when they wax cynical?

Verily, verily, I say unto thee, the ways of a man are the ways of Grimalkin; for doth not a cat, and likewise a man, prize his dignity above all things else in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the subways under the earth?

Moreover, doth not a cat, and likewise a man, seek out all the soft places upon the face of the earth, and all the most comfortable spots within the house, and all the easy chairs of the office?

Yea, doth not a man, even as a cat, wander abroad at night and return only at mealtimes?

Doth not a cat, and also a man, cling unto the woman that maketh him most comfortable and stroketh him the right way, but revile and despise her that disturbeth his meditations and arouseth him from his slumbers? Doth not a cat flee in terror from one that flingeth cold water upon his coat, and a man from her that flingeth cold water upon his vanity?

Doth not a man, like unto a cat, struggle to escape when he is held tightly, yet remain cheerfully where he is not wanted?

Doth not a cat, and likewise a man, flee fearfully from that which is flung at his head—whether it be a bone, or a plate, or a woman?

And, being “dropped,” doth not a cat and likewise a man, land always upon his feet and depart in search of consolation?

Lo, if thou pursuest a cat and a man with thine endearments will they not shrink from thee, with vexation?

But, if thou ignorest them, will they not sit devotedly at thy feet?

Go to! I say unto thee a woman is not as a tabby, but as a Faithful Fido which cannot be shaken off. She followeth a man whithersoever he goeth, accepting gladly a pat upon the head and a kind word, and lying down at his feet to be stepped on.

Verily, verily, why doth a spinster console herself with a cat in her loneliness?

Even because this is the only thing which can be found to resemble a man!

CHAPTER THREE

Lo, while a man courteth a maiden he faith unto her:

“Beloved, I adore the waves and frivols of thy hair! The neatness of thy waistline is my delight; and what is that subtile sachet which maketh thee to remind me always of the rose of morning?”

But in his heart he saith:

“Yet, when we are married, then shall I teach her not to wear false ringlets, and the imported complexion which she now putteth on shall she abjure.

“Verily from the using of that awful scent shall I break her, and from the wearing of corsets shall I rescue her! For we shall then be one, and I shall be that one!”

And while a damsel seeketh to allure a man she saith unto him:

“Thou art so sensible. Yea, I pray thee, continue to wear a comfortable collar always; for why shalt thou suffer for style’s sake? Lo, thy beard and thy mustache, they are so characteristic; and in a soft hat thou hast real personality!” But in her heart she muttereth:

“Go to! When I have him safe, then shall I entice him to put on a high collar, even unto four inches; and the shaving of his face will require but two weeks! Yea, and that quaint top-piece shall he exchange for a derby within the first month. For I know just what he needeth!”

Verily, verily, even in the hour of their courtship, do they prepare for war!

Even while she poureth his wine, doth she determine that he shall become a teetotaler! Even while he passeth her the sweetmeats doth he plan to put her on a diet, ’ere she acquire embonpoint.

As enemies before the battle, do they exchange civilities, saying “How congenial we are!”

For every woman thinketh to make a man over after a pattern, and every man thinketh to remodel a woman according to a stock ideal.

Yea, after the honeymoon each seeketh to trim the other down and to add all the modern improvements.

Then give them the fruit of their labors, which is a mutual shock!

CHAPTER FOUR

My Daughter, she that heedeth my instructions shall find a man easier to play upon than a pianola.

Behold, she hath but to press the right key, and he shall repeat all his repertoire, even unto the confession of his sins.

Yea, verily, a man rejoiceth in confessions; and nothing delighteth his soul so much as to repent. For, then can he return unto his follies with a clear conscience and renewed enthusiasm.

Go to! Who is so virtuous as an husband that hath but just received a cold bath and his wife’s forgiveness?

Lo, he goeth forth feeling like unto an uncrowned saint.

He is puffed up with righteousness.

Yet, before the night cometh, peradventure, he shall again have wobbled from the straight and narrow way. How long, then, oh my Daughter, shalt thou encourage men to persecute thee with their “I’m so-sorrys”, and their “Never-agains”? For, verily, verily, every man believeth that a woman’s patience is a thing of India rubber, which will stretch over a multitude of backslidings.

Yea, he hath not a doubt that a broken promise may be glued together with kisses, and a broken heart mended with softsoap.

Confessions are but the soothing syrup wherewith he stilleth his conscience. And his sins would lack much joy if he had not the pleasure of “regretting” them.

But I say unto thee, a woman’s faith is like unto a cobweb which cannot be patched up, once it hath been shattered; and a woman’s heart is not as a rubber ball, which reboundeth after it hath been cast down.

Nay, a bride sobbeth “Harold, tell me all!”

But after ten years, a wife saith, “Do whatsoever thou pleasest, but come not unto me with thy tale of woe. Lo, I am aweary of holding onto Heaven with one hand and onto thee with the other. Therefore go thy ways and let me sleep!”

Verily, verily, in time, doth a man’s penitence pall upon a woman; and his kiss of remorse is more to be dreaded than his sins.

For, once love hath cooled, it may be warmed-over, yet it is flat and tasteless, even as a Monday luncheon.

CHAPTER FIVE

My Daughter, observe my counsel, for the heart of a man is like unto a Broadway car, in which there is always room for one more.

Behold, in matters of love, a woman is a specialist, but a man is a general practitioner. Yea, a woman loveth but one type—even one man—but a man loveth anything which happeneth to be at hand.

Lo, he that weddeth a brunette shall ever after seek peroxide blondes; and he that marryeth a pink and yellow doll shall acquire a sudden interest in intellect and brunettes. For variety is the spice of love.

Moreover, a woman is an epicure in love, but a man is a gourmand.

In the love-feast, a woman desireth but one course at a time; but a man relisheth them all served at once, like unto a dinner at a country inn.

Yea, he mixeth his flirtations, even as he mixeth his libations, and wondereth sadly why he awakeneth always with an headache. Verily, verily, even thy Father, Solomon, had not more than enough wives. For every man requireth at least two soul-mates.

One for Sundays—and one for week days.

One to amuse him—and one to wait upon him.

One to save his soul—and one to save his pennies.

One to help him make a fortune—and one to help him spend it.

One for his lighter side—and one for his darker side.

One for company, one for comfort, one for inspiration, one for pastime—and many others, for a change.

SELAH.