  On Ludgate Hill, a traveller may see John Newcome, Grocer, No. Fifty-three; Now, sober reader, don’t turn up your nose, But profit by the truths I shall disclose. The Newcome family, you may believe, Straitways descended from good Madam Eve; Adam, a Newcome, when in Paradise, The wily serpent did Dame Eve entice To touch forbidden fruit; and to his shame, Poor Adam Newcome slily did the same: For this, from Paradise they soon were hurl’d, And thus Cain Newcome came into the World. ’Twould be an endless job were I to trace All the descendants of the Newcome race: Let it suffice that I curtail my rhymes, To scenes connected with the present Times. Widely extended is the Newcome Name, Some scoff’d for Folly, some renown’d for Fame; Did we in Foreign Courts but look askance, We find they’ve play’d the very Devil in France. Each in his turn assum’d the Sovereign Sway, ’Till Boney Newcome drove them all away; Mighty in deeds, his Mighty power evinces, And makes his tribes of Newcomes Kings and Princes. Louis to Holland went with State Regalia, And silly Jerome king’d it at Westphalia: Poor foolish Joe went slily into Spain, But Paddy Newcome whipt him out again. Ah! Honey, that’s a Newcome, if you please, Makes Boney tremble in his Thuilleries. His fame—but, let me onward with my story, My humble rhymes would only mock his Glory. In London Newcomes every where are seen, Newcome’s a Lord, a General, Knight or Dean— Newcomes, where’er you go, you’re sure to meet, The Park, the Playhouse, or St. James’s Street. Amongst our Quality, you’ll find a few, And Carlton House has got its Newcome too. At both the Universities you find ’em, But in such numbers that they never mind ’em. In all Professions, Lawyers, Fiddlers, Bards, Lots in the Line, and many in the Guards. This leads me to the subject of my story, Tho’ first I thought it right to lay before ye, By way of preface, or of introduction, Or, if you please, a smattering of instruction; Go as you will, no matter when, or where, You’re sure to see a Johnny Newcome there. Now this same Grocer was a man of weight, Eat turtle soup, and talked of Church and State,— For twenty years had bustled well through life, Blest with one son by Doll his loving Wife: The Youth, a lankey, awkward, shuffling Blade, Bred by the old ones to pursue the Trade, School’d by Mamma, who thought all learning stuff, ‘Young John will have the Cash, and that’s enough.’ By Martial ardour fired, John scorn’d to stop And retail sugar in his father’s Shop! In spite of Daddy’s wrath, and Mother’s tears, Strutted an Ensign in the Volunteers; But the good souls were quickly reconcil’d In admiration of their darling Child. Old Johnny seem’d afraid he’d be too rash, But Mother doated on the Sword, and Sash. Soon Johnny grew ambitious of renown, And sigh’d to flourish in some Country Town; In some Militia Corps, at distant Quarters, Act the Lothario with the Wives and Daughters. Money, or Interest, never-failing friends, Soon did the job, and Johnny gain’d his ends. Translated then to a Militia Beau, Dear, lively Captain Newcome’s all the go! Sports a gay Curricle and pair of Tits, Damns smokey London, and the frowsy Cits; With ardour talks of Marches, Camps, and Fight; Such scenes as these would be his soul’s delight. At length, one day, his spirits flush’d with Wine, Johnny resolved to go into the Line; Writes to Mamma a coaxer to Petition She’d make his Father buy him a Commission. The doating Mother dwells with anxious pause, Ere she could send her darling to the Wars. But as she’d ne’er refused him what he wanted, She paid the Cash, and his request was granted: Soon now the Official letter made it known That Ensign Newcome, Fourth or the King’s Own, Would on receipt immediately go, And quick present himself at the DepÔt. What thrilling tumults in his bosom came To see amongst the Regulars his name! So dash’d away in wondrous haste and pother, To take a flying leave of Dad and Mother. A soldier bold, now Johnny vaunts and vapours, Anticipates his name in London papers. ‘From admiration we cannot refrain, ‘The gallant Ensign Newcome’s going to Spain; ‘To shew our gratitude we don’t dissemble, ‘Heroes like him must make Massena tremble.’ Or, should a Battle ease him of his breath, His Name’s recorded in the list of Death; The Mortuum Caput then they thus would fill, ‘Died Ensign Newcome, late of Ludgate Hill— ‘Of twenty wounds receiv’d in an attack, ‘All in his front, he scorn’d to turn his back. ‘This sad event will be a grievous blow, Sir, ‘To Johnny Newcome, Alderman and Grocer.’ Young John was well aware to what extent To purchase fame a golden guinea went; At all the Shops where characters were sold, He could be made a Hero for his gold; A valiant Hero then at any rate, Our John resolv’d to be or soon, or late. An Order now arriv’d at the DepÔt, ‘That Ensign Newcome should to Hilsea go.’ Altho’ John relish’d not these hasty ways, He bolted off to Hilsea in a chaise; And then a Note was handed to our Spark, ‘That without loss of time he
e-12" class="fnanchor pginternal" title="Go to Footnote 12">12 ‘No matter, ’gad I’ll keep them while I can, ‘And when I join, I then can change my plan.’ So every thing being purchased to his will, He settled all by draft on Ludgate Hill. This day to bus’ness he did give up solely, And went to buy his Stock from Cavigole. ‘Pray, Sir,’ says John, ‘do you sell Hams, and Cheese?’ ‘Si Senhor, I do sell all vat you please; ‘Biscuits, & Porter, Tongues, Hollands, & Brandy.’ John crack’d his Whip, and swore ’twas all the dandy. ‘Tea, Sugar, Salt, and vat of all most nice is, ‘Pickles and Soda, good Segars and Spices.’ ‘Well said, my Hearty! now I’ll tell you what, ‘Pack some of all, but in a separate lot.’ John now another Draft on Daddy drew, Gave his address and off to Belem flew. His time now pass’d with pleasure, and delight, Loitering all day, and getting drunk at night. In scenes like these, John found the week had past, And to his Reg’ment he must go at last: A Route receiv’d to travel off next Day, And march to Sacavem without delay; And thus by daily journies was to go, Until he reach’d the Santarem DepÔt. Next morn, on Dobbin, off friend Johnny started; Teague led the Mule, and so they both departed. John’s legs from Dobbin nearly scrap’d the road, The Mule close following, tott’ring ’neath its load. Poor Teague, esteem’d by all a hearty fellow, With parting Glass had got a little mellow: A trifling failing here I must disclose, Teague swore ’twas for the honour of his Nose, Whose lovely size, and colour, to his thinking, Could only be maintained by hearty drinking. Heedless he went, unmindful as he past, The poor Mule stumbled, and the load was cast. ‘Thunder & Turf! are those your tricks?’ says Teague, ‘What! tired you Spalpeen, and come but a League!’ John now dismounted, and with horror stood; They’d told him of Banditti in the Wood. ‘O, Teague! dear Teague! as we are only two, ‘If the curst thieves should come, what shall we do?’ ‘Thieves! is it thieves you fear, Sir, G—d confound ’em! ‘Teague and your Honour surely can surround ’em; ‘By Ja—s, I would bodder half a score.’} This check’d John’s fears, who now did him implore} To get the load upon the Mule once more.} The job accomplish’d, he his Horse bestrode, And then with anxious look pursued his Road. As Sacavem came now full right in view, He then enquired of Teague ‘what he should do?’ ‘You first must to the Jewish bend your pace.’ ‘Jewish!’ ‘’Tis him that sarves the Billet,’ Teague replies. ‘O, well!’ says John, and to the Juis hies. The Billet For Rua Sacra, Casa, Number Four. The House was found, but wanting Door or Casement, ‘Is this the place?’ says John in wild amazement. ‘Is it to such D——n’d sties as these they send us? ‘A pretty way they treat their Brave Defenders!’ Entering, at length, he saw a squalid Wench, Begrimed with dirt, and luxury of stench; Then, in a filthy room, and almost dark, Three wretched women squatted round a spark. With out stretch’d hand his Billet he presents, And stopp’d his nose t’ escape the beastly scents. A croaking voice exclaims, ‘Aqui Senhor?’ ‘A key!’ says John, ‘why, D——n me, you’ve no Door.’ Teague, sober grown, now offer’d his advice, ‘A Soldier, plase your honour, mayn’t be nice. ‘Becase your honour must consider; as why, ‘There’s a good Roof between us and the Sky: ‘I’ll first go out, and steal the Beasts some Food, ‘And then I’ll cook your honour something good.’ Alas! poor John; he wanted consolation, Wrapp’d in the misery of meditation; So bolting out in anguish to the Street, A Sign When in he rush’d, and to a room was led, With Table, Chair, and something like a Bed. Now from his Canteen culled sufficient fare, The Brandy swallowed, and forgot his care, In four days’ time he reach’d the first DepÔt, And at the Commandant’s himself did show. This was a Hero As little better than a pack of Scrubs. Himself from Ranks had risen by his merit, But those advantages did not inherit That in the best societies you find Arising from a cultivated mind; Imperiously made all beneath him feel His rod of Power and his wond’rous zeal, ‘Here, Sir, you Ensign, mind, on no pretext ‘Must you neglect to call day after next. ‘There, get you gone! for you I’ve nothing more,’ And with his finger pointed to the Door. John travelled out, repeating, ‘Nothing more! ‘D——n me if e’er I met so rude a Bore!’ END OF PART I Johnny Newcome going to lay in Stock. Getting into his Billet. FOOTNOTESLord Wellington, in consequence of the heat of the weather, indulged the Officers in wearing loose Great Coats; but this was soon followed up with waistcoats of all sorts, and colours, with filagree gold, or silver buttons, and what were called Forage Caps, of all fancies and shapes. They only wanted the appendage of Bells. One general Rout to the Army was established, and the distances so divided, and DepÔts formed, that the parties could be provisioned every three or four Days; a Commandant, and Adjutant, with requisite non-commissioned officers, being established at each DepÔt, together with a Commissariat and an Hospital; and though last, not, unfortunately, the least necessary, a Provost-Marshal. There are certain regulations respecting this filthy outrage, such as requiring those people to call out three times, by way of warning the Foot-passenger of his danger, and the offenders are likewise liable to be called to some sort of reckoning; but the Laws, and the administration of the Laws, are altogether so defective, that it is very difficult to get redress, in cases in which robbery, or even murder, have been committed. Nay, I this moment see a Villain at large, who, without receiving any offence, but what he chose to consider one, on a young Officer’s looking at a Girl, actually followed him, and struck him from behind with a stick so heavily as to brake his arm. The fellow was taken up, and evidences produced, proving the fact: but he is protected by his master (a fidalgo, i.e. a gentleman), and at this moment insolently stares a British officer in the face. English Guineas, at that time, had no attraction. The Dollar, or It was customary for Officers who wanted Cash to give their Draft on some House in London, &c. &c.; but it was purchasing Money very expensively, giving at the rate of six Shillings and Sixpence for a Dollar that would bring only five Shillings; thus losing eighteen-pence on every five Shillings. THE MILITARY ADVENTURES |
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