David Roberts

Johnny on Duty with his Chief.

This was an Honour rather unexpected,

And John’s acknowledgments were not neglected.

Congratulations flowed from all around—

Such follows favour, whensoe’er it’s found.

What ever Way he did his Footsteps bend,

Johnny was sure to meet a hearty Friend.

I’m High in Luck, such Friendships do accrue me—

‘But when I was Sub, why no one knew me.’

For John full well knew where the secret lay—

Those were the Friendships of a Prosperous Day.

Prosperity, like Poverty, you’ll find.

Holds a strange influence o’er the Human Mind.

On Memory’s42 Compass are so adverse set,

Remember, and, Remember to forget.

John knew his Friends, & at what price he bought ’em,

So nods, and How d’ye’s, gave to all that sought ’em.

Now smiling Spring (such are Poetic Styles)

Saluted John with her effulgent Smiles:

This led him to commence his Operations,

To make, as Dad advised, his Observations.

Though for an A.D.C. the Chief did take him,

Neither his sense, or judgment did forsake him.43

When his Bucephoelus he got astride

’Twas for more purposes than merely ride;

Something picks up, which ever way he Steers,

Making a proper use of Eyes, and Ears.

Some Men have Eyes, and Ears, and yet you find

They merely see the Day, and hear the Wind;

But ask them, and ’tis plain they do not know

What causes Light of Day, or Wind to Blow.

John was a famous Horseman, and oft went

With various Orders, by the Chieftain sent;

Eager, and bold, he round the Country rode,

True cut of Leicestershire, and Cattle good.

At various times, with various Parties mixt,

On different Objects his attention fixt;

Saw all the Stations in his varying Courses,

The Quarters, and Cantonments of the Forces;

Artillery, Hospitals, Forage-yards, and Stores,

Cavalry, Infantry, Light Troops, CaÇadores;

Made it his Business, took much pains and care

To ascertain the State in which each were:

Dined with the Great, and mingled with their Minions,

Treasur’d their observations, and opinions.

As in the World those know each other best

Where much familiarity’s the Test,

A shallow Rogue may secret up a Comment,

Or free expression of unguarded Moment;

But urged by vanity, he can’t be Mute,

And blabs to shew he’s Clever and Acute.

Then wiser Folks, with very little Pains,

Will undermine his Head, and pick his Brains.

John angled well, and to his fullest Wish,

Lured with the small, and took the largest Fish:

Nor slacked his search, nor object did forget,

’Till with rich Stores he’d fairly fill’d his Net.

Sir John had often made a resolution,

To speechify about the Constitution.

He with the Livery stood in some repute,

‘That there’s,’ ‘as how’s,’ ‘d’ye see’s,’ did just them suit.

And then each day in Speech he bolder grew,

And ’midst their Broils, shoved in a word, or two.

But in the House, when he to speak arose,

And would the labours of his mind disclose,

When all was silent, every Muzzle Mum—

He could not make a Speech—who made a Plum.

But Johnny’s turn had kindled fresh his hopes,

He’d now in Figures flourish, and in Tropes.

This secret in his heart he’d closely pent;

This it was led him wholly to consent,

When John express’d his ardent wish again

To join Lord Wellington the next Campaign;

This led him all his influence to use,

That John might go, to send him Home the News;

This led to giving John his strict directions

About his Scrutinizing and Inspections;

To bid him earnestly take special care

To see the Troops, and write him what they were:

Meaning on this to make a grand Oration,

Both to astonish, and amaze the Nation.

His adverse system too had not forgot—

His Speech should hit like double-headed Shot.

If seated snugly on the Treasury Bench,

‘This mighty Force,’ yet did his friends Retrench;

But if on t’ other side he took his Post,

‘This mighty Force,’ th’ enormous sums it Cost.

He culled high-sounding words too, for th’ occasion,

Material, Bivouac, Demoralization.

Yet poor Sir John, tho’ much he’d heard, and read,

Felt still aware how treacherous was his Head;

Tho’ yet he laboured like a Brewer’s Dray-Horse,

’Twas but to Bother, and increase the Chaos.

Tho’ battled hard some fixt idea to gain,

No, not one particle would ere remain.

A sudden brilliant thought, just then occurred,

Which to accomplish he’d not be deterred.

Then anxious on this darling object bent,

Purchased a Seat for John in Parliament.

Thus reinforc’d, he’d take up his Position—

Johnny could give him Stores of Ammunition,

And if deserted by his treacherous Mind,

Johnny might snugly prompt him from behind.

Our Knight now with redundancy of Joy

His thoughts communicated to his Boy,

In haste indites a Letter to Sir John,

Explaining every thing he would have done;

Hoped with his aid, his object he’d complete—

Wished him all happiness in his new Seat.

‘Write, my dear John, as often as you can,

‘But as we’re circumstanced, pursue this Plan,—

‘The prying Folks my object now to pose is,

‘So frame your Letter in a metamorphosis.

‘One Letter you can straight direct to me—

‘Another send to Ludgate, as the Key.

‘That by this means we shall our secret smother,

‘One can’t be understood, without the other.’

’Twas odd enough that Johnny in his mind

Was working at a plan of similar kind.

Dad’s welcome News his spirits did elate,

That he was now a Member of the State.

New hopes were busy in his sanguine breast,

Perhaps by th’ Speaker he might be addrest.

Should he by chance some Gallant deed Achieve,

He might th’ Honourable Speaker’s thanks receive.

’Twas usual that, when Heroes took their Seat,

A flowery flow of grateful thanks to meet.

Whate’er John thought, he’d not point out a Flaw,

The Speaker surely’d not offend the Law.

His praise, so general, savour’d of Insanity,

Tho’ often just—it flatter’d each one’s Vanity.

Now in true earnest set about his Task,

Followed old Dad’s advice and took the Mask.

He knew in Martial Life that Truth no jest is,

Their Courts of Honour were their Courts of Justice.

He would, if possible, the Truth relate,

Devoid of malice, naught extenuate.

Dad would his secret keep, he could depend;

As for himself, he meant not to offend:

But should perchance his secret be let out,

’Twas a mere Bagatelle to laugh about.

Should he in Metaphoric style transpose

Men into Beasts, or Parsons into Crows—

Those who could be displeased he should disarm,

His was mere trifling, really meant no harm;

If, tho’ in his delineation free,

It would be seen, ’twas mere necessity.

At length his ardent object to pursue,

A Schedule of his means he briefly drew,

All that had come within his observation,

And thus proceeded on with his Narration.

‘By way of Introduction, you must know,

‘It was, I think, but a few Years ago

‘The Widow’s44 intellects here were at a stand;

‘Her Son then took to Farming of the Land.

‘If there’s bad management, it always shows,

‘’Twas out of Heart, and overrun with Crows.45

‘Such a D——n’d flight of Crows did shocking harm—

‘A few, we know, are useful to a Farm.

‘The Squire,46 ’tis said, did naught but Eat, & Pray,

‘Fearing his precious Soul might go astray.

‘The Farm tho’ bad, and in such piteous case,

‘Was situated in a lovely Place.

‘The Air was charming, and the Soil was sound—

‘No wonder Neighbours hanker’d for the Ground.

‘So Foreign47 Ants, and Locusts left their Station,

‘With other Vermin from a distant Nation,

‘Advanced in Hosts, and soon without controul,

‘With little trouble occupied the whole.

‘Fled to a Ship, the Squire the Canvas fills,

‘To see a Farm he had at the Brazils:

‘But he, before he boldly ventured forth,

‘Wrote to his Friend, a Farmer48 in the North;

‘Trusting he would without delay determine

‘To send some clever Chap to kill the Vermin:

‘When that was done, he should return again,

‘And so his loving Cousin did remain.

‘The honest Man to whom he sent his Letter,

‘A wealthy Farmer was, none could be better;

‘He’d famous Implements, and famous Stock,49

‘And truly was a Father to his Flock.

‘His Shepherds,50 Salesmen, Butchers, and his Stud,

‘Were all well chosen, capitally good:

‘His Stock51 at times with wild vagaries tired him,

‘But in their hearts they honour’d and admir’d him;

‘One here and there would not from mischief keep—

‘You find in every Flock, a few bad Sheep.

‘This Letter52 gave the Farmer much alarm—

‘’Twas like enough they might infest his Farm.

‘He’d send a Shepherd, who with little labour,

‘Should clear the Lands of his poor frighten’d neighbour.

‘So sent a Stock best suited for the Soil,

‘Led by a Shepherd53 from a Neighbouring Isle;

‘Who wisely at the first a footing got,

‘Then drove the Vermin from around that Spot;54

‘Would, as ’tis said, completed soon the job,—

‘Spite, like a Thief, did from his Laurels rob.

‘Two elder Shepherds55 came—and what was hard,

‘With their D——n’d nonsense all his projects mar’d.

‘If they were sent his active powers to fetter,

‘Of those who did it, less that’s said the better.

‘Ere since that time he’s toil’d both Night and Day,

‘And from this Farm the Vermin clear’d away.

‘Pre-eminently now he stands alone,

‘Lov’d, and obey’d by all as Chief Patrone;

‘In manners easy, wonderful in Mind,

‘Jocose, familiar with the humblest Hind.56

‘But that’s so wisely temper’d, so superior,

‘Commanding due respect from each Inferior.

‘His Shepherds57 tho’ have caused him much anxiety,

‘Such numbers sent from Home, and such variety;

‘Some from all Countries, German, Irish, British—

‘Some staid enough, but many Cursed skittish:

‘Many from Envy—rancorous, and jealous,

‘Esteem’d themselves most mighty clever Fellows,

‘Would mar the Scheme that he’d so ably planned,

‘Had he not held them with a steady Hand.

‘Some swore he always studied to insult them,

‘There peep’d the Cloven foot—he’d not consult them.

‘He wisely judged, and smiled at the attack—

‘He knew the whole concern was on his Back:

‘Had things gone wrong, he knew so well their trim,

‘Done what he would, they’d shoved the Blame on Him.

‘Lots of Young Shepherds came, and it a fact is,

‘Some Prudence wanted, but all wanted Practice.

‘So proud to tend a Flock, they’d scorn denial,

‘The Patron therefore took them all58 on Trial:

‘Kept those with him he thought most apt to learn,

‘The others recommended to return.

‘Now, my good Friend, ’tis thus the matter stands,

‘No farmer can produce more able Hands.

‘One more Patron59 also, there will be found

‘Who60 Farms exclusively this Bit of Ground.

‘Of him I cannot speak, I know him not,

‘You’ll get his Character from Walter Scott:

‘Of his pretensions I am in the Dark,

‘But Folks pronounce him a D——n’d lucky Spark.

‘That wond’rous Poet’s praise I can’t him grudge,

‘As Mr. Scott must be a better judge.

‘A largish Family our Chief attends,

‘Two, or three Shepherds,61 he retains his Friends.

‘One that inspects the Roads, the Lands Survey,}

‘Marks out the Pens, for fear the Herds might Stray,}

‘Esteem’d a much superior Fellow in his Way.}

‘Another62 has the charge of his Accounts,

‘Corrects the Bills, and adds up the Amounts:

‘A third,63 his Private matters does indite,—

‘They’re both extremely Clever, and Polite.

‘Then he’s a numerous Gang of Shepherd Boys,64

‘Some go on errands, others kept as Toys.

‘One Youth65 amidst this lively Group appears,

‘Victim to Miscreants in his early Years,

‘Nobly came forth to act an humble part,

‘T’ obtain a knowledge of the Farming Art:

‘Fearless encounters Danger and Disaster,

‘To be the Pupil of so great a Master.

‘A Youth like him to every virtue prone,

‘Britannia’s lovely Gem must make her own.

‘Then shoals of Salesmen,66 travelling in all Weathers,

‘You know them by their Spur, long Swords, and Feathers.

‘Smuggling, ’tis said, is grown to such a Pitch,

‘That all these Feather’d Rogues are getting Rich.

‘But Folks say any thing for the sake of chatter—

‘I don’t believe a word about the matter:

‘If in their course of Duty, and Employment,

‘A Hare pick up, by way of some enjoyment,

‘That’s quite enough to give the Rogues a Name—

‘“See, these D——n’d Salesmen! why, they live on Game!”

‘Then here’s a swarm of Butchers,67 great and small,

‘Some for the Carcase, others for the Stall.

‘One Master Butcher68 o’er the rest presides,

‘And with the Patron usually resides:

‘Their Journeymen, Apprentices, and Men,

‘Distributed among each Flock and Pen.69

‘’Tis wisely done to have them on the Spot,

‘To keep them free from Murrain, and the Rot:

‘Dexterous they are, and in their judgment sound,

‘To amputate a Limb, and cure a Wound.

‘Our Worthy, good Patron, with grief it fills

‘To send the Farmer Home their Monstrous Bills.70

‘Much as he likes the Chase—it does him shock

‘To see so many worried of his Flock.

‘In their Profession admirably skilled;

‘That Arm, no doubt, could not be better filled.

‘Skilful as they extract, and Bleed, and Cup,

‘I hope my worthy Friends won’t Cut me up.

‘Our Patron too, has got a Lot of Dogs71

‘To clear the Woods and Fences, Fields and Bogs:

‘They’re chiefly Pointers, but of various sorts—

‘Some Guard the Flocks, others for Field Sports.

‘They’re wond’rous docile, so well Broke, and Tame,

‘Whene’er they point, they’re certain of their Game.

‘Many attach’d to Herds72—but all have Marks,

‘The Deep-toned,73 Wide-mouth’d ones are kept in Parks.

‘Steady, and staunch, whene’er the Huntsman calls,

‘They follow up the Game, nor heed Stone Walls.

‘The Master Huntsman74 is a Man well known

‘To be in favour with the great Patron.

‘And then his underlings75 of every sort,

‘Are Keen, and able Fellows for the Sport.

‘Added to these, should Flocks or Herds run riot,

‘There’s Whippers-in76 enough to keep them quiet.

‘The various Stock is parcelled with precision,

‘So many Herds are put in each Division.

‘The Flocks of Sheep, & Droves of Mules & Goats,77

‘Distinguished are by Marks upon their Coats.

‘The Mules are in one Drove, and altogether,

‘They’re chiefly Stalled, or fastened to a Tether:

‘Tho’ famous Animals, it does appear

‘They rather wildish ran the latter Year;

‘Their Grooms were careless, so ’tis given out,

‘Or knew not, really, what they were about.

‘The Mules, it seems, were after Forage lurking,

‘And so, to fill their Paunch, avoided working,78

‘I’ll only this observe, as all is past,

‘It was a general fault, from first to last.

‘A few pick’d Shepherds79 too, ’tis fair to Name,

‘Tho’ all are good, not good alike the same.

‘The First80 who stands upon our Patron’s Book

‘For Foreign Parts, he early Home forsook—

‘Good-humoured, gay, yet one can well descry

‘There’s much intelligence marked in his Eye;

‘He’s oft detached with largish Flocks, and Droves

‘To take advantage of the neighbouring Groves:

‘I have not room his qualities to tell,

‘He does his business, and he does it well;

‘From sturdy Stem of Shropshire he’s a Limb,

‘The proud Salopians may be proud of Him.

‘Then there’s a rich old Shepherd,81 fra’ the North,

‘A braver Man ne’er stept on this side Forth.

‘Tho’ master of a Farm, and oldish grown,

‘He slighted all to serve with our Patron;

‘Lively, and brisk, and, tho’ good-temper’d, rough—

‘Scott’s praise of Him is scarcely praise enough.

‘Here’s too a gaudy Shepherd,82 come from Cheshire,

‘Much like the rest I think, but rather fresher.

‘The little I shall say needs no apology,

‘The Speaker has, I know, pronounc’d his Eulogy.

‘He manages the Mules, mark’d Red and Blue,

‘Doing it well, he has enough to do.

‘Then there’s another Roister,83 also, fra’ the North,

‘And like his Countryman, as High in worth;

‘I know him well, and my opinion’s such,

‘Say what I will, I cannot say too much.

‘With Southern Farmers, this may cause a Smile,

‘The Scots are Farmers in superior Style.

‘Another Shepherd84 also in request

‘Is very justly placed amongst the Best;

‘Ardent, and Brave, for Glory does aspire,

‘And such a sentiment one must admire.

‘If any trifling fault we to him lay,

‘He’s anxious over-much—for so they say.

‘Here’s a brisk Irish Lad85 too, Devil a better,

‘Who at the Vermin is a rattling Setter;

‘Connected with the great Patron, ’tis true,

‘But his Abilities will bear him through.

‘Fain would I now describe in Epigram

‘A bold descendant of Sir David Gam.86

‘Connected to this Taffy blood, we find

‘A noble Soul, and an expansive Mind;

‘In Fields of Glory he such progress made,

‘His Laurels now afford him ample Shade.

‘Another too, a lively Irish Fellow,87

‘Time, perhaps, may soften down, and render mellow;

‘Impetuous by Nature, often Rash,

‘But Stout, and Sturdy, famous at a Dash.

‘And one more fra’ the North,88 that I must mention,

‘Who’s influenc’d no doubt by just intention;

‘For Zeal, and Ardour he to none may yield,

‘And thought an active Fellow in the Field.

‘One more89 I’ll mention, as I think it fair,

‘That where there’s merit, it should have its share;

‘Bold, Active, Mild, Intelligent, and Pleasant,

‘Liked by his charge, from Herdsman to the Peasant.

‘There’s Lots of others too, most Gallant Spirits,

‘Volumes would not do justice to their merits;

‘Suffice it must to say, their Country’s weal

‘Can never be sustain’d by nobler Zeal.

‘I’ll now describe how is arrang’d the Stock,

‘The distribution of each Herd, and Flock:

‘A Master Shepherd is attach’d to each,

‘The whole to manage, ignorant to teach.

‘A Junior to each Flock, Clerk, Surveyor,90

‘A Whipper-in also, to catch the Strayer,—

‘Herdsmen and Salesmen91—perhaps two Dogs or more,

‘To scare away the Vermin with their Roar;

‘These, well dispos’d, and parcell’d o’er the Land,

‘At once pourtrays the able Master’s Hand.

‘All are so excellent, and in such Heart,

‘Thirsting for Glory, panting for the Start.

‘Some Flocks there are, the produce of those Lands,

‘Whose Shepherds were not reckon’d able Hands:

‘’Twas evident their Stock should be new moulded,

‘And under skilful Hands, fresh Penn’d, and Folded.92

‘An Irish Shepherd,93 now a Patron named n, in the bustle, thought Joe’s Head had tumbled,

And ’mongst the Ladies furbelows was jumbled.

The poor Madames, arrested in their flight,

Were sprawling in the Street, in woeful plight—

Screaming, and fainting, prostrate sought protection,

’Midst Hussars pillaging in all direction,

Such struggling, rifling, squeezing, ’mongst the Folks,

Whiskers, Mustachios, Petticoats, and Cloaks.

When John, in eager search, fell oddly flat on

Madame Gazon,105 with Marshal Jourdon’s Baton;

This charming Woman, tho’ a General’s Wife,

Would much give up, in hopes to save her Life;

And tho’ a careful Guardian of her honour,

Freely resign’d whate’er John found upon her.

Who rais’d the fair, and saw where she had sat,

Not Joey’s Head, ’tis true, but bit of Hat.

John, who had long on Glory anxious bent,

This Day succeeded to his heart’s content:

Honour, renown, he fairly now bespoke,

For this Day’s job had been a lucky Stroke.

Joe’s Head was gone, no doubt—but what of that?

He’d got the Baton, and the bit of Hat;

So from the noise, and tumult in the Street,

He led the lovely Lady, and her Suite;

And in full hopes by politesse to win her,

Gave Her poor Joey’s Bed, and Joey’s Dinner.

The Battle o’er, the French to flight resign’d ’em,}

Running as if the Devil was behind ’em,—}

Field-pieces left to those who’d luck to find ’em.}

And there I leave the Cowards to their fate,

Whilst I of other matters shall relate.

The Victory gain’d, the Chieftain sought repose,

When John in modest accents did disclose

His great exploits, the wond’rous Feats he’d done—

The Trophies that he had so nobly won.

The Chief, astonish’d, look’d with much amaze on

The Baton, bit of Hat, and Madame Gazon.

The noble Chief in contemplation Sat,

Admir’d the Dame, and archly touch’d the Hat:

Tho’ at her charms in secret look’d askance,

He, great, like Scipio, sent her back to France.

And then, his humble duty to evince,

Would send the Hat, and Baton, to the Prince.

The Baton would be, in his Country’s Eyes,

Deem’d both a noble, and a glorious Prize;

And, p’rhaps, in spite of rumour, and of Chat,

Some Folks might like a bit of Royal Hat.

‘Newcome should have the honour to present,

‘The Hat and Baton to the Prince Regent;

‘Relate of Cannon taken, and the Pelf,106

‘The Victory would best explain itself.’

And now, almost as quick as I can tell,

John found himself once more in dear Pall Mall.

But, as he’d not from usual custom vary,

In Chaise and Four, called on the Secretary.

The Minister, with admiration struck,

Soon advertised his Friends of their good Luck;

This Victory, with all its consequences,

Would seat them firmly on the Treasury Benches.

Read the Dispatch—wrote off to the Lord Mayor,

Who to the Cits should the great News declare;

And they, Rich, Lusty Rogues, without alloy,

As usual, Ate and Drank, to shew their joy.

And now what hearty peals of exclamation,

What Cannon firing, and what Conflagration;

Such shouts, such grinning, ’mongst all Ranks of Men,

You’d thought they ne’er would shut their mouths again.

Such horizontal stretching of each Muzzle,

Such Drinking healths, such roaring, and such Guzzle.

But should some small mishap be buzz’d auricular,

The horizontal would be perpendicular.

John, who in most things had his share of Nouse,

His humble duty left at Carlton House;

And was inform’d, with certain pompous gravity

(At Courts one seldom stumbles upon suavity),

That He, the Hat, and Baton, Magnifique,

Should be presented early in the Week;

It was the R——t’s will, at sights so pleasant,

The Q——n, and all her Ladies, should be present.

Down to the ground our Hero made his bow,

And to the Knight and Lady, off he flew.

‘So, my dear John, you made poor Joey truckle’;

Whilst at the Hat he slily gave a chuckle.

My Lady, too, the Baton did explore—

‘She’d never seen so fine a thing before.’

Johnny then told them of his feats of Arms,

Of Joe’s escape, and Madame Gazon’s charms.

‘Come, John,’ says Dad, ‘from truth you cannot screen us;

‘You were her Mars, my Boy, and she your Venus.’

John now at every House was in request,

And every where receiv’d a welcome Guest.

He thought he ne’er should finish with his Glory,

So often pester’d to repeat the story.

We give him credit there for a pretence,

He rather lik’d being made of Consequence.

The Battle, Trophies, Folks were so much wrapt in,

They made a mighty bustle ’bout the Captain.

Captain no more—for in the next Gazette,

Tho’ envious ones did vastly fume and fret,

In recompence for wonderous Renown,

Who seiz’d a Baton, and cut off a Crown:

As C——n for a precedent was quoted,

Lieutenant Colonel107 was at once Promoted.

Presenting the Trophies.

THE END

FOOTNOTES

41 The thermometer of Mr. John Bull’s spirits is so delicately compounded, that the smallest variation in the political atmosphere raises, or depresses, to a point verging on Insanity.

42 I have, in former days, I confess, been rather puzzled to account for a sort of tergiversation in the memory of many young men. I was foolish enough to expect that high-titled Honourables were of similar opinions, in respect to intimacies and friendships, in common with other folks; but, to my astonishment and disgust, I then found, as I have frequently since experienced, that the man who could bend in the country to a sociable intimacy—changing his ground, changed his deportment; that the men with whom I have in the country domesticated—have been admitted to a very familiar intimacy, when I met them in Town seemed to have totally lost sight of me, and returned my salute with a careless insolence, if they condescended to return it at all; this appeared to me ridiculously capricious, unaccountably foolish. At length an old Friend told me it was the way of the world, and that there was a wonderful difference between the Companions in the Country, and the associate in London. Now I do think this is a fair hint to all Johnny Newcomes, a warning to make up their minds, that, however my Lord or SirToby may condescend to an Intimacy in the Country (which, perhaps, may arise from a selfish principle in these Honourable Worthies) they must expect the Cut direct in Town.

43 Another instance of effect on Memory: how many young Men have we seen in such situations, who have acted like the veriest Simpleton, and by their arrogance, and presumption have excited the contempt of their Equals.

44 Her Majesty of Portugal having, unfortunately, a great debility of mind, her Son assum’d the Government as Regent.

45 Priests of every description. The Regent evinced his predilection for those Gentry, in having, it is said, 30,000 who lived on the fat of the Land.

46 People are mighty apt to judge with extreme severity on the conduct of Kings and Princes, &c. &c.; and it generally happens that Men, who indulge themselves in the practices of Vice, are very liberal in the abuse of their Superiors in Rank and Fortune that shew a similar disposition, totally forgetting that themselves have been accustomed, in the course of Education, and in their commerce with the World, to the sound of wholesome Truths.

In former days a very useful and entertaining Personage was always an Appendage to the Pageantry of Courts, and in great Families—(yclept) a Fool: thro’ this lively Oracle, Truth reached the ears of the Great: but this wise custom has fallen into disuse, and unfortunately the familiars of the Great are now frequently composed of Naturals.

If those in Rank and Dignity enjoyed the advantages in common with the Mass of Mankind, and should then give themselves up to excesses, censure might be just, if that censure came from clean hands. But with the disadvantages they labour under from the earliest Age, the harsh animadversions on their conduct are Indecent, Malicious, and Uncharitable.

47 The French Army.

48 Our most gracious Sovereign.

49 Fleets and Armies.

50 Generals, Commissaries, Medical Staff, Cavalry.

51 Subjects.

52 It was supposed the intention of Buonaparte, after having subjugated the Peninsula, was to have invaded England and Ireland.

53 SirA. Wellesley was sent to Portugal with a small force.

54 Vide the Battle of Vimiera.

55 Sir H——y B——d and Sir H——w D——e.

56 Officers.

57 Lieutenant-Generals and Major-Generals.

58 There is no doubt many intelligent Major-Generals came out, whose bad health would not admit their continuing in the Country, and who much regretted their inability to Serve.

59 Portugal.

60 F——d M——l B——d.

61 The Q——r M——r G——l.

62 The A——t G——l.

63 The M——y S——y.

64 The A——s d— C—— to the Commander of the Forces on the Peninsula.

65 The P——ce of O——ge.

66 Commissaries.

67 The Medical Officers.

68 Dr. M——r.

69 Divisions and Hospitals.

70 Return of killed and wounded.

71 Artillery.

72 Brigades.

73 Great guns and mortars, &c. &c.

74 The O——r C——g the Artillery.

75 Artillery Officers.

76 Provost Marshals.

77 Light and Heavy Cavalry.

78 In respect to the British Cavalry, many instances were witnessed of gallant conduct of Regiments, Squadrons, and Individuals: they are all Brave—but certainly the Officers are generally deficient in knowledge of Cavalry Tactics; and the men have not that proper regard, and affection, I may call it, for the noble animal that bears them.

A German Soldier will sell his Bread to feed his Horse—a British Soldier will sell the Corn to purchase Drink.

The German Officer, and Soldier, are superior to the British, for both Officer, and Soldier, in the German Cavalry, know their Duty, and feel a pride in it.

It is not a whimsical Uniform, or a monstrous pair of Mustachios, that make the Cavalry Officer: but there seems so much attention now-a-days paid to the external embellishment, that the interior is left to bare Walls—empty Chambers.

Even the French Cavalry boasted, ‘that give them English Horses, and they would drive the British Cavalry from the Field’; and there are folks who are inclined to believe them: then as for Cavalry Generals—I wish there was a School for Generals.

79 L——t G——ls and M——r G——ls commanding divisions.

80 Lt.-Gen. Sir R——d H——l.

81 Lt.-Gen. Sir T——s G——m.

82 Lt.-Gen. Sir S——n C——n.

83 Lt.-Gen. E——l D——e.

84 Lt.-Gen. C——n.

85 Maj.-Gen. P—k—m.

86 Lt.-Gen. SirT. P——n.

87 Maj.-Gen. C——e.

88 Maj.-Gen. SirT. S——t.

89 Lt.-Gen. L——h.

90 M——r-G——l, Ass——t Adj——t-G——l, Ass——t Q——r-M——r-G——l.

91 Officers, Commissaries, Guns, Provost Marshals.

92 The P——se Army was originally contemptible. The great brilliant, and persevering exertions of F——d-M——l B——d, and the Officers under him, have been successful, by rendering the P——se Army efficient in point of Discipline, Activity, and interior Oeconomy.

93 F——d-M——l B——d.

94 Officers taken from the British and German regiments.

95 The H——r B——de.

Upon our approach to the River Eslar, it was expedient that a Lodgement should be made on the opposite side of that River, to protect the formation of the Pontoon Bridge, for the Army to cross the River; the Hussar Brigade, supported by the 51st Light Regt. and Light Regiment of Brunswick Oels (ordered to support the Cavalry) were ordered to attack, take, and maintain the Village. The River, at all times rapid, by the melting of the Snow, was swollen two feet in depth, and its current raged with increasing velocity: 100 Men of the 51st were advanced, with the advance of the Hussars, and passed at the Ford with safety, but drenched with Water; the two Corps followed, and it was directed that an Infantry Soldier should hold by the stirrup-leather of a Hussar. Whether it was the anxiety to pass the Ford, or some other cause, such was the press to enter the River, that the Ford was lost, and in one minute were seen Hussars scrambling, their Horses now on a Rock—next minute, plunging over head, the Infantry dragged hanging at the Stirrup, and Horses Tails; some by a jerk, or kick lost their hold, and were, struggling with the Torrent—others borne by the rapid Current of the Water, sunk, never to rise more;—others happily cast on bits of Islands. Hussars were seen plunging to get up the Bank, dragging three or four Infantry, half-drowned, so convulsed as to keep their grasp. Men’s Caps, Knapsacks, floating down the Stream: but the attachment of one Infantry Soldier to his Firelock was astonishing—he was seen by an Officer, who rode to the brink of the Rock; as the Man floated down the stream, supported as he lay on his back, by his Knapsack, the Officer said, ‘Can you swim?’ ‘No, your honour.’ ‘Then throw away your Firelock.’ ‘No, your honour; I’ll bring She to shore with me—I won’t part with She.’ Fortunately the current bore Him so near to the Rock, the Officer could reach his Bayonet, and the Man was saved. On this occasion it is not in words to give an adequate idea of the gallant and humane conduct of the Hussars. A Serjeant of the 18th Hussars was heard to exclaim, upon his seeing a very fine young Officer of the 51st struggling for life in the middle of the Torrent, ‘I’ll be D——d if the fine Boy shall be drowned,’ and plunged his Horse into the Stream, and, when he rose above the Water, pressed towards the Officer, caught him by the jacket, and lifted him on Shore.—Many other similar cases happened. During the time of passing the River, indeed, I have every reason to believe the Men of the Hussars that were drowned, on this occasion, died victims to their humanity. And it was admirable to see those gallant Fellows, when landed, and free from the grasp of the poor Infantry Soldiers, spring forward to ascend the Hill with an ardour to attack an Enemy they were instructed to expect would oppose them.

I wish it was in my power to have paid a similar compliment, for humane exertion, to an Officer of A——y.

96 The H——ld T——ps.—In respect of those fine Regiments, much, very much, should be considered in their favour.

Unaccustomed to Foreign service—unaccustomed to any duty but London duty, which Duty there are no Regiments can perform half so ably—distinguished from other Regiments in every respect, particularly in regard to pay and interior convenience, it was hardly fair, and assuredly inconsiderate, calculating the expence, to employ the Life Guards on such service.

Barring the absence of proper feeling in a few Officers, who rather too hastily returned Home, no Troops were more distinguished for Discipline, good Conduct, Sobriety, Zeal, and Gallantry, or for their patient, and cheerful submission to privations, and hardships resulting from the nature of the Service, and possibly somewhat increased by their inexperience: and I may observe without any possible risk of contradiction, had the Household Troops been fortunately pitted against the best Cavalry of the Enemy, the result would have given them a Celebrity in arms coequal to a general Character so highly creditable to those Corps.

97 F——d O——rs, Gold and Silver Sticks in the Court Regalia.

98 Ample Stores—of Provision—Forage, also for the Hospitals, and of various other descriptions.

99 The pay of the Army is six months in arrear; the Contingent allowance Ten months.

A more than actual sufficiency for the Men during the operations of active Warfare is injurious; the Soldier should not have wherewith to get drunk with, for that is always the result after the Balances are received, and, until the Money is exhausted, the Soldier is a Clog. The Officers, unfortunately, suffer by the withholding their Pay.

100 However formidable the Spanish Armies are on Paper, what we have seen of them in the Field does not entitle them to be ranked with any description of Troops in Europe; and I even doubt if the Americans would not speak slightingly of them. I will give the Spanish Nation all the credit for obstinacy and jealousy they can wish; but I for one give them no further: their conduct to their Allies, in many instances, has been unfriendly and suspicious—often Hostile. It may be politic to commend their conduct for Gallant Achievement in the Field; I of course shall not presume to contradict that: and much may be allowed for a Ragged, Starved, unpaid Host, and of whom the Officers are the first to run away. They have admitted some, but very few British Officers into their service; but if the selection has proved fortunate, I suppose it will be hereafter made known.

101 It was ascertained as fact, that King Joe was so certain of beating the Allied Army, it was his and Gazon’s intention to have attacked; and Joe had boasted he should beat the Enemy, and had actually prepared a grand Dinner for Lord Wellington and his Officers. They meant to attack on the 22d of June.

Joe always travelled with a Suite of Ladies, generally beautiful Women: it is said, there were ten ladies of his private Family with him. Those, with all his Wardrobe, Carriages, and Plunder from Madrid, were taken, and he only escaped with the Clothes on his Back, having lost his Hat. By way of replenishing his Goods and Chattles, he actually stole the Linen, Plate, and Clothes, from every place he stopped at, until he reached the French frontier—and also a Hat from a Priest.

The whole Baggage, Money, Artillery, and those of the French Army were taken—Carriages, and Animals, and a great many Ladies. The French Officers said they were so pinched, we did not leave them a Pinch of Snuff.

102 Such was the rapidity of the Conflict, and such the nature of the Ground, very few of our Gallant Cavalry were engaged; wide, deep, and watery Ditches intersected the Country in all directions. Had the ground admitted, our Cavalry must have intercepted Thousands.

The French could only take two small Field-pieces with them, which, from the rapidity of the pursuit, fell into the Conqueror’s hands before they reached Pampeluna; but in their usual depredatious way, they plundered all the Houses, and burned many.

103 The Hussars made a gallant charge through the Town, and in their progress attacked, and drove the Enemy’s Cavalry out.

104 King Joe, or, as the Spaniards properly style him, the Intruder, was so pressed, he jumped on a horse, lost his Hat, and galloped at full speed out of the Town; and, as Officers and Men, afterwards taken, assured the Author, he actually threw money to the French Soldiery to let him pass.

105 Madame, the Countess Gazon, a charming woman, was taken by the Hussars. Major R——t’s, 10th Hussars, it is said, had the Gallantry and Honour to protect her: she was allowed to follow her Husband a few Days after.—Part of the Cavalry only passed through the Town, the Army went right and left of it.

106 The numerous Carriages of all descriptions, and Tumbrils, so completely blocked the Road, and filled the contiguous Fields, it was difficult to pass; the Carriages were completely loaded with Baggage, and the miserable Animals pushed into Deep, and Wet Ditches. The four-wheeled Tumbrils were loaded with Ammunition, and Money. It is supposed that those who divided the Spoil were enriched: certainly the Soldiers got Thousands of Dollars and Doubloons. It is said, more Persons than Soldiers shared in the Spoil; one got £8000 of Doubloons. It is to be lamented that, in consequence of the hurry and confusion, the Money was thus distributed—but it was inevitable; and the good fortune fell to the lot of many who did not share in the Conflict.

Two hundred and five Pieces of Ordnance were taken, and five hundred Tumbrils; large quantities of Army Stores, and Mules, and Horses, and much inferior Plunder also.—Vittoria is a superior Spanish Town, and situated in a fertile Plain.

107 It was considered rather an uncommon instance of good fortune, the Noble L——d should, on any pretence, have been so unaccountably promoted in the same Gazette, Major and Lieut.-Colonel.

108 A Badge of Merit is a most honourable Distinction, as the reward of Merit and Gallant achievement; but its value is eclipsed from the influence of interest.

I should think a Board of Officers should be established to examine into the merits of Officers recommended for such honourable remuneration; and their fiat should either confirm the claim, or reject it altogether: a Badge of Merit would then be valuable. Indeed, if the power of the Board was extended to decide upon the merits for Brevet Rank, the service would gain by it. It is the value of a thing that makes it desirable.

If, in the examination of the merits of an Officer reported to the Board, for honourable distinction, the opinion of the Board should decidedly confirm the claim and right, a Patent should be sent to the Officer, signed and sealed by the President, stating the sentiments of the Board, &c. &c. Such would be an inestimable intimation of his claim to Merit—handing down to Posterity an honourable proof of Family desert.

But the conferring either Title, or Badge on men who have lolled away their time in Ease, and Affluence, is ridiculous, and truly absurd.

Printed by T. and A.Constable, Printers to His Majesty at the Edinburgh University Press