  Why is life the greatest of all conundrums? Because we must all give it up. When may an army be said to be totally destroyed? When its soldiers are all in quarters. Which is swifter, heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch cold. Why is a young lady like a letter? Because if she isn’t well stamped the mails (males) won’t take her. Why are dudes no longer imported into this country from England? Because a Yankee dude ’ll do (Yankee doodle doo). What flowers can be found between the nose and chin? Tulips (two lips). Why is a dude’s hat like swearing? Because it is something to avoid. How many wives is a man lawfully entitled to by the English prayer-book? Sixteen: Four richer, four poorer, four better, four worse. Why does a young man think his sweetheart is like a door-knob? Because she is something to adore (a door). Why is the emblem of the United States more enduring than that of France, England, Ireland, or Scotland? The Lily may fade and its leaves decay, The Rose from its stem may sever, The Shamrock and Thistle may pass away, But the Stars will shine forever. Why is a kiss like a sermon? Because it needs two heads and an application. What is the shape of a kiss? Elliptical. Why is a kiss like gossip? Because it goes from mouth to mouth. When two people kiss, what kind of a riddle does it make? A rebus. What is it George Washington seldom saw, God never saw, and we see every day? Our equals. What is better than God, worse than the devil, the dead live on, and the living would die if they lived on? Nothing. What is the difference between a honeymoon and a honeycomb? One is a big sell, the other little cells. Why is a man who makes pens a wicked man? Because he makes men steel (steal) pens and then says they do write (right). What is the difference between a lady and an apple? One you have to get side her to squeeze, and the other you have to squeeze to get cider. Who is the greatest chicken-killer spoken of in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul. Why is music cheaper on Sunday than during the week? Because during the week you get it by the piece, and on Sunday you get it by the choir. Which death would you prefer to die, Joan of Arc’s or Mary Stuart’s? Most people prefer Joan of Arc’s, because they like a hot steak better than a cold chop. What great writer’s name might you appropriately mention if you were standing by the grave of Bob Ingersoll? Robert Burns. If you were invited out to dinner and on sitting down to the table saw nothing but a beet, what would you say? That beet’s all. Give a definition of love. An inward inexpressibility and an outward alloverishness; or, the classical definition of a collegiate is, “Love is the so-ness, as it were, of the white heat fusion of the intellect, sensibility, and will.” When is charity like a top? When it begins to hum. Why is a man sometimes like dough? Not because a woman needs (kneads) him, but because he is hard to get off of her hands. Why does a minister always say “dearly beloved brethren” and not refer to the sisters? Because the brethren embrace the sisters. What part of a ragged garment resembles the Pope’s title? Its Holiness. Why are a dead duck and a dead doctor alike? Because they have both stopped quacking. When is the best time to read from the book of nature? When the spring opens the leaves and the autumn turns them. Why is a restless man in bed like a lawyer? Because he lies on one side, then turns around and lies on the other. Why do tailors make very ardent lovers? Because they press their suits. When is a man of greatest use at the dinner-table? When he is a spoon. What is the difference between a rejected and an accepted lover? One misses the kisses and the other kisses the misses. What is the difference between a church deacon and a little rag-a-muffin? One passes the sasser (saucer) and the other sasses the passer. Why is a lover like a knocker? Because he is bound to adore (a door). In what colored ink should we write our secrets? In violet (inviolate). Why is a young lady like an arrow? Because she can’t go off without a bow (beau), and is in a quiver till she gets one. If a young lady fell into a well why couldn’t her brother help her out? Because, how could he be a brother and assist her (a sister) too? Why does a Russian soldier wear brass buttons on his coat, and an Austrian soldier wear steel ones? To keep his coat buttoned. What is the difference between an old penny and a new dime? Nine cents. How is the best way to make a coat last? To make the trousers and vest first. What word of four syllables would a man utter if he should eat his wife and wanted to express his approbation of the deed? Gladiator (glad I ate her). Why does a cat look on first one side and then another when she enters a room? Because she can’t look on both sides at the same time. Why is a widower like a young baby? Because he cries a great deal the first six months, looks around the second six months, and has hard work to get through his second summer. Why is Philadelphia more subject to earthquakes than any other city? Because she is a Quaker city. Why is a policeman on his beat like an Irishman rolling down a hill? Because he’s patroling (Pat rolling). What would contain all the snuff in the world? No one nose (knows). Why is a hound like a man with a bald head? Because he makes a little hare (hair) go a long ways. What is the first thing a man sets in his garden? His foot. Who were the first astronomers? The stars, because they have studded the heavens ever since the creation. When may you be said to imbibe a piano? When you have a piano for tea (pianoforte). When may bread be said to be alive? When it has a little Indian in it. Why does a bachelor who has a counterfeit half dollar passed on him want to get married? To get a better half. Why does a sculptor die a most horrible death? Because he makes faces and busts. Why do we generally dub a city her or she? Because about a city there is so much bustle and because she has outskirts. Why are washwomen great flirts? Because they wring men’s bosoms. If thirty-two degrees is freezing point, what is squeezing point? Two in the shade. Prove that the winds are blind. The wind is a zephyr, a zephyr is a yarn, a yarn is a story, a story is a tale, a tail is an attachment, an attachment is love, and love is blind; therefore, the winds are blind. Why is a married man like a fire? Because he provokes his wife by going out at night. Why is a pig’s brain larger than any other animal’s? Because he has a hog’s head full. Where was the first Adams Express Company located? In the Garden of Eden, when Eve was created. What is the difference between a young lady and a mouse? One charms the he’s, the other harms the cheese. Why are men like facts? Because they are stubborn things. What is the difference between a gardener and a Chinaman? One keeps the lawn wet, the other keeps the lawn dry (laundry). When is a door not a door? When it’s an egress (a negress). Why is Patti like a jeweler? Because she deals in precious tones (precious stones). When is a bee a great nuisance? When it is a humbug. A New Yorker asks: What popular book could the two cities, New York and Philadelphia, be compared to? The Quick or the Dead. Why is a dog dressed warmer in summer than in winter? Because in winter he wears a fur coat and in summer he wears a coat and pants. Why is it more dangerous to go out in the spring than any other time of the year? Because in the spring the grass has blades, the flowers have pistils, the leaves shoot, and the bullrushes out. What is the difference between a hill and a pill? One is hard to get up, the other is hard to get down. Why is a lazy dog like a hill? Because he is a slow pup (slope up). Why is a man riding up a hill like a man taking a young dog to a lady? Because he is taking a gallop up (gal a pup). Why is a dentist a sad and a wicked man? Because he is always looking down in the mouth and dams all his patients. What is the difference between a king’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan? A king’s son is the heir apparent, a monkey’s mother is a hairy parent, a bald head has no hair apparent, and an orphan has nary a parent. If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices current of their pies? The pie rates of Penn’s Aunts (Pirates of Penzance). What celebrated man in English history might you name if you wished to tell your servant to replenish the fire in your grate? Philip the Great (fill up the grate). A man had twenty-six (twenty sick) sheep and one died, how many remained? Nineteen. If a pair of andirons cost five dollars, what would the wood come to burned on them for one month? Come to ashes. What is the difference between Niagara Falls and Queen Elizabeth? One is a wonder, the other is a Tudor. What is a soldier’s definition of a kiss? A report at headquarters. Why is it easy to break into an old man’s house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few. What word of only three syllables combines in it twenty-six letters? Alphabet. Where can one always find happiness? In the dictionary. When will there be but twenty-five letters in the alphabet? When U and I are one. Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies? Because he calls every miss a mith. What was Joan of Arc made of? Maid of Orleans. Why is a lady who faints in a public place like a good intention? Because she needs carrying out. What is the brightest idea in the world? Your eye, dear. What animal drops from the clouds? The rain, dear (reindeer). I went out walking one day and met three beggars; to the first I gave ten cents, to the second I also gave ten cents, and to the third I gave but five—what time of day was it? A quarter to three. What is that which by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? Noise. Why is a hen immortal? Because her son never sets. What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge. What will impress the ear more sharply than a falsetto voice? A false set of teeth. What is that which is put on the table and cut, but is never eaten. A pack of cards. Which river is the coldest? The Isis (ice is). Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew till late and destroy patience (patients). Why is it almost certain that Shakespeare was a broker? Because no other man has furnished so many stock quotations. How can you distinguish a fashionable man from a tired dog? One wears an entire costume, the other wears simply a coat and pants. Why is a youth trying to raise a moustache like a cow’s tail? Because he grows down. Why is a professional thief very comfortable? Because he usually takes things so easy. When is a man obliged to keep his word? When no one will take it. Why is an attractive woman like a successful gambler? Because she has such winning ways. Why is the food one eats on an ocean steamer like a difficult conundrum? Because one is obliged to give it up. Why are stout men usually sad? Because they are men of sighs (size). What is the difference between a woman and an umbrella? You can shut an umbrella up. Why would it be very appropriate for a man named Benjamin to marry a girl named Annie? Because he would be Bennie-fitted and she Annie-mated. Why is this continent like milk? Because it’s ours (it sours). What is the color of the winds and waves in a severe storm? The winds blew (blue), the waves rose. Why is a baker a most improvident person? Because he is continually selling that which he kneads himself. What is it we all frequently say we will do and no one has ever yet done? Stop a minute. How can you by changing the pronunciation of a word only turn mirth into crime? By making man’s laughter manslaughter. Why is a room full of married people like an empty room? Because there is not a single person in it. Which nation produces the most marriages? Fascination. When is a horse like a house? When he has blinds on. Why is a bridegroom often more expensive than a bride? Because the bride is given away, but the bridegroom is often sold. Why is divinity the easiest of all professions? Because it is easier to preach than to practice. When is love deformed? When it is all on one side. What is the difference between a butcher and a flirt? One kills to dress, and the other dresses to kill. When was B the first letter in the alphabet? In the days of No-a (Noah). How can I remove A from the alphabet? B-head it. Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. Why is modesty the strongest characteristic of a watch? Because it always keeps its hands before its face, and runs down its own works. Why are two t’s like hops? Because they make beer better. What kind of sense does a girl long for in a disagreeable suitor? Absence. Why is it dangerous to keep a clock at the head of a pair of stairs? Because it sometimes runs down. Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi). What key in music would make a good officer? A sharp major. What is the key-note to good manners? B natural. Why is a stupid fellow like G sharp? Because he is A flat. What do ladies look for when they go to church? The Sams (psalms) and hims (hymns). Why are married men like steamboats? Because they are sometimes blown up. What ship contains more people than the “Great Eastern”? Courtship. Why do women make good post-office clerks? Because they know how to manage the mails (males). Why is lip-salve like a chaperon? Because it is intended to keep the chaps away. If a pair of andirons cost $7.75, what would a ton of coal come to? To ashes. What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses. Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it is seldom seen after Lent. On what day of the year do women talk the least? The shortest day. What is that which every living person has seen, but will never see again? Yesterday. What is the difference between dead soldiers and repaired garments? The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead). Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet yours (features). Which is the most valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out again you see it increases. What is the difference between the Prince of Wales and the water in a fountain? One is heir to the throne, the other thrown to the air. Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows). When is it dangerous to enter a church? When there is a canon in the reading-desk, a great gun in the pulpit, and a bishop charges the congregation. What is the difference between form and ceremony? You sit upon one and stand on the other. What is the most awkward time for a train to start? 12.50, as it’s ten to one if you catch it. Why can negroes be safely trusted with secrets? Because they are sure to keep dark. Why is a camel a very pugnacious animal? Because he always has his back up. Why did Lady Wellesley do a very unladylike thing when she married the late Lord Ragland Somerset? Because she turned a Somerset. Why can the world be compared to music? Because it is so full of sharps and flats. Why does a goose go into the water? For diver’s reasons. Why does a goose come out of the water? For sun-dry reasons. Why is a stick of candy like a race-horse? Because the more you lick it the faster it goes. Why is a naughty school-boy like a postage-stamp? Because you lick him with a stick and stand him in the corner. Why is I the luckiest of all the vowels? Because it is in the centre of bliss, while E is in hell and all the others are in purgatory. What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last letter. Why have chickens no fear of a future state? Because they have their next world (necks twirled) in this. Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred horse? Because he’s a perfect brute. What is that which you can keep after giving to some one else? Your word. Why are teeth like verbs? Because they are regular, irregular, and defective. Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean? Because it contains many currants. Who may marry many a wife and still be single all his life? A clergyman. Why is Athens like a worn-out shoe? Because it once had a Solon (sole on). Why are washerwomen great travelers? Because they are continually crossing the line and running from pole to pole. What part of a fish is like the end of a book? The fin-is. What is a common miracle in Ireland? Waking the dead. When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum? When Richard the Third offered his kingdom for a horse. What is the largest room in the world? The room for improvement. Why is a street-car like the heart of a coquette? Because there is always room for one more to be taken in. When may a man be said to breakfast before he gets up? When he takes a roll in bed. Why are dealers in glassware unlike all other dealers? Because it won’t do for them to crack up their goods. What is it that a gentleman has not, never can have, and yet can give to a lady? A husband. Why is a man just imprisoned like a boat full of water? Because he requires bailing out. When does a ship tell a falsehood? When she lies at the wharf. When is a theatrical manager like an astronomer? When he discovers a new star. Why are pianos noble characters? Because they are grand, upright, and square. What are they which, though always drunk, are never intoxicated? Toasts. When is a fowl’s neck like a bell? When it’s rung for dinner. Why is a crow the bravest bird in the world? Because it never shows the white feather. Why is a vote in Congress like a bad cold? Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it, and sometimes the noes (nose). Why are some girls like old muskets? Because they use a good deal of powder, but won’t go off. What kind of medicine does a man take for a scolding wife? He takes an elixir (an’ he licks her). Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing. What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, and the other is cappy and hairless. What is most like a hen stealing? A cock-robin. If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to get another? To a grog-shop, because bad spirits are retailed there. Why is a young man engaged to a young lady like a man sailing for a port in France? Because he is bound to Havre (have her). Why is the opening of a new dry-goods store like a house on fire? Because it starts all the bells (belles) in the city. Why would it be impossible to starve in the desert of Sahara? Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there. How did the sandwiches get there? When Ham was sent there with his followers, who were bred (bread) and mustered (mustard). If a tough beefsteak could speak, what English poet would it mention? Chaucer (chaw, sir). Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his business makes him sell fish. Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony. Why can a blind man always see his father? Because the father is always apparent (a parent). What does Washington, D.C., stand for? Washington, daddy of his country. Why was a defeated candidate after the late election, like the earth? Because he was flattened at the poles. When was beef the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon. What ailment is the oak most subject to? A corn (acorn). Why does a horse eat in a very odd way? Because he eats best when he has not a bit in his mouth. What is the only organ without stops? A woman’s organ of speech. Give an Irishman’s definition of a lake. A hole in the tay-kettle. Why is man superior to woman? Because woman is only a side issue. Why is a scolding wife like a thing of beauty? “Because she is a joy (jaw) forever.” What is the proper length for a young lady to wear her dress? A little above two feet. Why is a man who never bets as bad as a gambler? Because he is no bettor (better). When is a cigar like dried beef? When it is smoked. What table has no legs to stand upon? The multiplication table. How do young ladies sometimes show their dislike to mustaches? By setting their faces against them. Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy? Because there are three scruples to a dram. Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it’s down in the mouth. What is that which we often return, but never borrow? Thanks. What animals are always seen at funerals? Black kids. Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it’s so low (solo). Why is a dog biting his tail like a good manager? Because he makes both ends meet. Why is a watch-dog larger by night than by day? Because at night he is let out, and in the day he is taken in. Why did the Highlanders do most execution at Waterloo? Because every man had one kilt before the battle. At what game do the waves of the sea play? At pitch and toss. Why are fowls the most economical things a farmer can keep? Because for every grain they give a peck. What is the difference between a pitcher of water and a man throwing his wife over a bridge? One is water in the pitcher, the other is pitch her in the water. When is a young lady not a young lady? When she’s a sweet tart (sweetheart). What confection did they have in the ark? Preserved pairs (pears). What weapon does a young man use if he kisses a young lady by mistake? A blunderbuss. What is the difference between an auction and seasickness? One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail. What should a clergyman preach about? About a half of an hour. Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it. What kind of a cat do we usually find in a large library? A cat alogue. What sea would a man like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic). Why was the French Empress always in bad company? Because she was always surrounded by Paris-ites. When was Napoleon First most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow). When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent). What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage wheel. What is the difference between a cradle and the grave? The one is for the first-born, the other for the last bourne. How is an elephant’s head different from every other head? Because, if you cut his head off from his body, you don’t take it from the trunk. Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he prefers “zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer.” Which is the most wonderful animal in the farmyard? A pig, because he is killed and then cured. Why is a poor conundrum like a monkey? Because it was far-fetched and full of nonsense. If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? Tre-mend-us. What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as when burned, they’re ashes still. What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou, and it wilted. When is a large river good for the eyes? When it’s eye (high) water. What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a net. What river is that which runs between two seas? The Thames, which runs between Chel-sea and Batter-sea. What is the difference between a fisherman and a lazy schoolboy? One baits his hook, the other hates his book. What is that which you break by even naming it? Silence. When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists. What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because they’re Arno boats there. What is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose. What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down. What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure the other plays at leisure. Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living. What wind would a hungry sailor be apt to wish for? One that blows fowl and chops about. What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe. Why is scraping out a turnip a noisy proceeding? Because it makes it hollow. What is that from which you may take away the whole and still have some left? The word wholesome. When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed. Why is English grammar like gout? Because it’s torture (taught yer). Give a good definition of a button. A small affair that is always coming off. What is the greatest feat, in the eating way, ever known? That recorded of a man who commenced by bolting a door, after which he threw up a window, and then sat down and swallowed a whole story. Why has a great gymnast very wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles and thrives. What is a singular and melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he could recite his poems but could not resight himself. Why is Canada like courtship? Because it borders on the United States. What is the difference between a farmer and a seamstress? One gathers what he sows, the other sews what she gathers. What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey). Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week. Why is an actress like an angel? Because we seldom see one that is not painted. At what time by the clock is a pun most effective? When it strikes one. What is that which never asks any questions, but requires so many answers? The door-bell. Why does the conductor cut a hole in your railroad ticket? To let you pass through. Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hardware (wear). Why is a list of celebrated musical composers like a sauce-pan? Because it is incomplete without a Handel. In what key should a man propose to his sweetheart? Be mine, ah (B minor). When a church is burning, what is the only part that stands no chance at all of being saved? The organ, because the engine can’t play upon it. Why is the Fourth of July like an oyster? Because we cannot enjoy it without crackers. When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly. If all the seas were dried up, what would old Neptune say? I really haven’t an ocean (a notion). Why is the letter A like twelve o’clock? Because it comes in the middle of day. What is that which occurs twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years? The letter M. Why are butchers thieves? Because they steal a knife and cut away with it. Why should a man troubled with the gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees). Why is a mirror like a very ungrateful friend? Because, although you may load his back with silver, he will reflect on you. What is the difference between some women and their looking-glasses? The former talk without reflecting, the latter reflect without talking. Which is the hardest of all soaps? Cast steel (Castile). On what supposition could pocket handkerchiefs build a house? If they became brick (be cambric). Why is a true and faithful friend like garden seeds? Because you never know the value of either until they are put under ground. What is that which is seen twice in “every day” and four times in “every week,” yet only once in a year? The vowel e. Which are the only two words in the English language where the five vowels follow in successive order? Facetious and abstemious. What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? Oroonoko. What words may be pronounced quicker and shorter by adding another syllable to them? Quick and short. What word composed of five letters can you take the first two letters from and have one remain? Stone. Which word in the English language contains the greatest number of letters? Disproportionableness. What relation is a child to its own father when it is not its own father’s son? A daughter. What is the difference between the milky way and a room full of great-grandfathers? One is a lot of pale stars, the other a lot of stale pas. Why are pipes all humbug? Because the best of them are all meer-shams. Why is a meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully. If you saw a dude riding on a donkey, what fruit would you be reminded of? A pair. What is that which a cat has, but no other animal? Kittens. What are the features of a canon? Cannon-mouth, cannon-ize, and cannon-eers. Show that twice ten is equal to twice eleven. Twice ten is twenty, and twice eleven is twenty-two (twenty, too). What word of six letters contains six words besides itself, without transposing a letter? Herein—he, her, here, ere, rein, in. When is a teapot like a kitten? When you’re teasin’ it (tea’s in it). Why is a portrait like a member of Congress? Because it is a representative. Why is a madman like two men? Because he is a man beside himself. Why is an unbound book like a person in bed? Because it is in sheets. Why is a drawn tooth like a thing that is forgotten? Because it is out of the head. What is the difference between a glass of water and a glass of whiskey? Ten cents. Why is a paper like a beggar? Because it is composed of rags. Why is a good cabbage the most amiable of vegetables? Because it is all heart. Why is an intoxicated man like a noun adjective? Because he seldom stands alone. Why is a clergyman’s horse like a king? Because he is guided by a minister. Why is a man in a garret committing murder like a good man? Because he is above committing a bad action. Why was the Parliament of the Commonwealth like Samson? Because it overthrew a house of lords. Why is an avaricious man like one with a short memory? He is always for getting. Why is a blacksmith’s apron like a convent? Because it keeps off the sparks. Why is a lady when embraced like a pocket-book? Because she is clasped. Why is a wick of a candle like Athens? Because it is in Greece (grease). Why is a fender like Westminister Abbey? Because it contains the ashes of the grate (great). Why is a handsome woman like bread? Because she is often toasted. What is that which a coach cannot move without, and yet is not of the least use to it? Noise. What does a stone become when in the water? A whetstone (wet stone). When is a very angry man like a clock fifty-nine minutes past twelve? When he is just going to strike one. If you were obliged to swallow a man, what kind of a one would you prefer to swallow? A little Dublin porter. What four letters of the alphabet would frighten a thief? OICU (oh! I see you). Why must a magistrate be cold and chilly? Because he is just ice (justice). What is the difference between a new five-cent piece and an old fashioned quarter? Twenty cents. Why does a man go into the law, remain in the law, and go out of the law? He goes into the law to get on, he remains in the law to get oner, he retires from the law to get onest. What is the cheapest way to buy a fiddle? Buy a little medicine and get a vial in. Speak only two letters and thus name the destiny of all earthly things? D.K. Why was Robinson Crusoe not alone on the desert island? Because there was a heavy swell on the beach and a sandy cove running up the shore. Why is a buckwheat-cake like a caterpillar? Because it makes the butter-fly. What is that which has neither flesh nor bone, yet has four fingers and a thumb? A glove. What trade does the sun follow in the month of May? Mason (May sun). Of what trade are all the Presidents of the United States? Cabinet-makers. Of what trade is a minister at a wedding? A joiner. Of what occupation is a manager of a theatre? A stage-driver. What miss is that whose company no one ever wants? Mis-fortune. What misses are those whose days are always unlucky? Mis-chance and mis-hap. What miss is always making blunders? Mis-take. What misses are of a very jealous temper? Mis-give and mis-trust. When is it no misfortune for a young lady to lose her good name? When a young man gives her a better one. When does a dentist do the most work? When he extracts several acres (achers). What happens when a light falls into the water at an angle of forty-five degrees? It goes out. What great surgical operation does the manufacturing of maple-sugar remind you of? Tree panning. In what way do women ruin their husbands? In buy-ways. Why has the shoemaker wonderful powers of endurance? Because he holds on to the last. What part of the face resembles a schoolmaster? The eyelid, because it always has a pupil under the lash. Why is it that you and I must never dine together? Because U can never come until after I. What profession is a postman? He is a man of letters. At what time of life may a man be said to belong to the vegetable kingdom? When long experience has made him sage. Which is the gayest letter in the alphabet? U, because it is always in fun. When is a boat like a heap of snow? When it is adrift. What ’bus has found room for the greatest number of people? Columbus. Which is heavier, a half or a full moon? The half, because the full moon is as light again. What tree is of the greatest importance in history? The date. When is a man like a frozen rain? When he is hail (hale). When is a lady’s arm not a lady’s arm? When it is a little bare (bear). Why is a short negro like a white man? Because he is not a tall black. Why is a very discontented man easily satisfied? Because nothing satisfies him. Why are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves? Because they ought to be taken up. Why is the north pole like an illicit whisky manufactory? Because it is a secret still. Why is it unjust to blame coachmen for cheating us? Because we call them to take us in. What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has its claws at the end of its paws, a comma its pause at the end of a clause. Why are the makers of the Armstrong guns the greatest thieves in her Majesty’s service? Because they rifle all the guns, forge the materials, and steel all the gun breeches. How may book-keeping be taught in a lesson of three words? Never lend them. Why is a blush an anomaly? Because a woman who blushes is admitted for her cheek. Why are Whigs and wigs alike? Because they both profess an attachment to the crown. What trade is like the sun? A tanner’s. What is an extra dry subject? A mummy. What is a counter-irritant? A fashionable woman shopping. Why are hogs like trees? Because they root for a living. Why do girls kiss each other and men not? Because girls have nothing better to kiss, and men have. What did the muffin say to the toasting-fork? You’re too pointed. What composer is most noted of modern times? Chloroform. What is better than to give credit to whom it is due? Give the cash. Which musical instrument is the most moral? An upright piano. What is the difference between a dog’s tail and a rich man? One keeps a wagging and the other keeps a carriage. How did Henry the Eighth differ as a suiter from other men? He married his wives and axed them afterward. Why does a man’s hair generally turn gray sooner than his mustache? Because it is about twenty-one years older. When did George Washington first take a carriage? When he took a hack at the cherry-tree. Why is a solar eclipse like a mother beating her boy? Because it is a hiding of the son. How can a man make his money go a long way? By contributing to foreign missions. Why is a person reading these conundrums like a man condemned to undergo a military execution? Because he is pretty sure to be riddled to death. Where can one always find pleasure and happiness? In the dictionary. During the month of heavy showers, how has the umbrella been persistently bluffing the game? It has been “put up or shut up” with it all the while. When does a man impose on himself? When he taxes his memory. Why is a young man visiting his sweetheart like the growth of a successful newspaper? His visits commenced on a weekly, grew to be tri-weekly, and then become daily, with a Sunday supplement. What killed Julius CÆsar? Roman punches. How does the postage-stamp have the advantage of the small boy? It can never be licked but once. Why were the brokers in the panic of 1873 like Pharaoh’s daughter? They saved a little prophet from the rushes on the banks. Why is an alligator the most deceitful of animals? Because he takes you in with an open countenance. Why are chemists and alchemists both of the feminine gender? Because one is an analyzer (Ann Eliza), the other a charlatan (Charlotte Ann). How do we know that Noah had a pig in the Ark? Because he had Ham. My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my third is a nickname, and my whole is a bird. Whip-poor-will. Why is sympathy like blind man’s buff? Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow mortal. Why are fish well educated? They have a taste for going in schools. What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence. Why is the letter S like thunder? It makes our cream sour cream. Which is the easier way to commit suicide, by taking laudanum or drowning? Ether (either) is good. Why is Buckingham Palace the cheapest piece of property in England? Because it was bought for a crown and kept up by a sovereign. What is the difference between a light in a cave and a dance in an inn? One is a taper in a cavern, the other a caper in a tavern. Why are records brittle things? Because they cannot be lowered without breaking. What is the difference between forms and ceremonies? You sit upon one and stand on the other. Why is a door in the potential mood? It’s would (wood) or should be. Why are birds melancholy in the morning? Because their little bills are all over due. What is there remarkable about a yard-stick? Though it has no head or tail, it has a foot at each end and one in the middle. If a man shot at two frogs and killed one, what would the other one do? Croak. What makes the waves so wild? It is having the wind blow them up. Why are apples like printer’s types? Because they are often in pi(e). My first denotes equality, my second, inferiority, and my whole superiority. Matchless. Why are fatigued persons like a wagon wheel? Because they are always tired. Why is a tin can tied to a dog’s tail like death? Because it’s bound to a cur (occur). Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds. Why are young ladies bad grammarians? Because so few can decline matrimony. Why are blind persons compassionate? Because they feel for other persons. Why are cowardly soldiers like tallow candles? Because when exposed to the fire they run. Why is Satan always a gentleman? Because, being the imp of darkness he can never be imp-o’-light. How much earth is in a hole 3¼ × 6½ ft.? None. Why is a pretty girl like a locomotive? Because she sends off the sparks, transports the mails, and has a train following her. What is the cheapest feature of the face? Nostrils, two for a scent (cent). Why are stout gentlemen prone to melancholy? Because they are men of size (sighs). When does the rain become too familiar to a lady? When it begins to pat-her (patter) on the back. What relation is a door mat to a door step? A step farther. How many of your relatives live on your property? Ten-aunts (tenants). What is the difference between a dime dated 1899 and a new dollar? Ninety cents. Why is a beehive like a spectator? Because it is a beeholder (beholder). What are the most unsociable things in the world? Mile-stones, for you never see two of them together. When does a regiment undergo an operation? When deprived of its arms. What is the greatest eyesore in a farm yard? A pig-sty. What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a sculptor? One curls up and dies and the other makes faces and busts. Why may carpenters reasonably believe there is no such thing as stone? Because they never saw it. What is majesty deprived of its externals? (M) a jest (Y). When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When fond of his club. Why is it that a fisherman cannot tell his gross profits? Because they are always net. What will make pies inquisitive? S will make spies of them. Why is an empty purse expressive of constancy? Because you find no change in it. When can donkey be spelt with one letter? When it’s “U.” Why is a tennis player like a society youth of limited means? He is obliged to miss the ball when it comes high. Why is an Irishman trying to kiss a pretty girl like a man going up Mt. Vesuvius? Because he is trying to get at the mouth of the crater. Why should a housekeeper never put the letter M into her refrigerator? Because it will change ice into mice. What’s the difference between Shakespeare and Queen Elizabeth? He was a wonder, and she was a Tudor. Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them? K N (cayenne). What is the difference between a funny fellow and a butcher? One deals out wit, the other wit-tles. Why should cocks be the smoothest birds known? Because they always have a comb about them. What insect does a blacksmith manufacture? He makes the fire-fly. When is a nose not a nose? When it is a little radish (reddish). When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service. Why is love like a potato? Because it shoots from the eyes and gets less by pairing. Why are young men like telescopes? Because you can draw them out, see through them and shut them up again. Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late, and destroy patients (patience). Why is Sunday the strongest day in the week? Because the rest are week days. Why is a needle one of the most persistent of forces? It always has an eye open for business, and invariably carries its point. When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. Why are soldier’s guns always safe? Because every one of them has a lock. When is a man not a man? When he’s a shaving. Why is a man who is fond of his cigars like a tallow candle? Because he will smoke when he is going out. When is a schoolmaster like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil. Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars invariably run over sleepers. What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble? A cross bow. My first is a vehicle, my second is a preposition, and my whole is part of a ship. Cab-in. What tricks are most common among New York policemen? Patricks. Why is Asia like a market in Thanksgiving or Christmas week? There is always a Turkey in it. Why will an insolent fishmonger get more business than a civil one? Because when he sells fish, he gives sauce with it. Why does a fat man, when squeezed, compliment the ladies? Because the pressure makes him flatter. Why is an old man like a window? He is full of pains (panes). What’s the difference between photographing and the whooping cough? One makes fac similes, the other makes sick families. What is smaller than a mite’s mouth? That which goes into a mite’s mouth. What is it that is a cat and not a cat, and yet is a cat? A kitten. Why was the dumb waiter returned? Because it didn’t answer. Why are clouds like coachmen? Because they hold the rains (reins). My first is a game, my second is what we use our eyes for, my whole is a State of America. Tennes see. Why should a favorite hen be called Macduff? Because we wish her to lay on. Why is the letter G like the sun? It is the centre of light. Why are pretty girls like fire-works? Because they soon go off. Why is coal the most contradictory article known to commerce? Because when purchased, instead of going to the buyer it goes to the cel-lar. Why would it be hard on ministers to preach without notes? Because their families would suffer without the greenbacks. In what sort of syllables should a parrot be taught to speak? In polly silly-bills. My first is a pronoun, my second is used at weddings, and my whole is an inhabitant of the deep. Her ring. What cannot be called a disinterested act of hospitality? Entertaining a hope. Why is a school-boy being flogged, like your eye? Because he’s a pupil under the lash. When may an ocean liner be said to be foolishly in love? When attached to a boy (buoy.) My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my whole is a flower. Prim-rose. Why is a woman’s beauty like a bank note? Because when once changed it soon goes. What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander. What fruit is the most visionary? The apple of the eye. What is that which goes from Boston to Providence without once moving? The railroad. What notes compose the most favorite tunes, and how many tunes do they compose? Bank notes, they make (four) for-tunes. Why don’t Sweden have to send abroad for cattle? Because she keeps her Stock-holm. Without my first my second could never have existed, and my whole is as old as creation. Sun-day. When is a gun like a dismissed servant? When it is discharged and goes off. What is everything doing at the same time? Growing older. What should you do if you split your sides with laughter? Run till I got a stitch in them. What is the difference between a young girl and an old hat? Merely a difference of time—one has feeling and the other has felt. What herb is most injurious to a lady’s beauty? Thyme. Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? Because it is a place of haughty culture (horticulture). What is the difference between a clock and a partnership? When a clock is wound up it goes; when a firm is wound up it stops. Why are some women like facts? Because they are stubborn things. If a dog should lose his tail where would he get another? At Wanamaker’s, where everything is retailed. Why is a person with his eyes closed like a defective schoolmaster? He keeps his pupils in darkness. Why is early grass like a penknife? Because the springs bring out the blades. Why is an old man’s farm in Texas like the focus of a sun glass? It’s a place where the sons raise meat (sun’s rays meet). Why is a real estate man not a man of words? Because he is a man of deeds. Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first u in cucumber? Because it’s between two seas. What did Ruth do to offend Boaz? She pulled his ears and trod on his corn. Why are some singers like cheese curds? Because they require to be pressed. Why ought meat to be only half cooked? Because what’s done cannot be helped. What article that we wear is most affectionate? A porous plaster, because it becomes very much attached to us. Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard? Because he takes the pledge but cannot always keep it. Who does the Bible say may carry on a flirtation? It says widow’s mite (might). Why are respectable hotels like the elysium of the gods? Because no bad spirits are permitted to enter them. Why is grass like a mouse? Because the cat’ll eat it (cattle eat it). Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off in transports. How do we know the fair queen of day has a lover? She is always followed by a night (knight). Why are the Irish poor like a carpet? Because they are kept down by tax (tacks). Why is the world like a slate? Because the children of men do multiply thereon. What is the centre of gravity? The letter V. What three letters turn a girl into a woman? A-g-e. Although great wealth is said to harden the heart, what is every millionaire sure to be? A capital fellow. What belongs to yourself, and is used by your friends more than by yourself? Your name. When is a soldier like an old toper? When he re-treats. Why is a policeman like a rainbow? Because he rarely appears until the storm is over. What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? The milkmaid skims the milk, the swallow skims the water. Why is a man’s face shaved in January like a celebrated fur? Because it’s a chin-chilly. What is that which was born without a soul, lived and got a soul, but died without a soul? The whale that swallowed Jonah. What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax candles—the other dips. Why is a poor acquaintance better than a rich one? A friend in need is a friend indeed. What is there remarkable about a bee? Why, ordinarily it has but little to say, yet generally carries its point. Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch. How many persons can a deaf and dumb man tickle? He can ges-tickle-eight (gesticulate). What is the easiest way to keep water out of the house? Omit to pay your water tax. What is it that is queer about flowers? They shoot before they have pistils. What is the best form for a soldier? Uniform. What is the best uniform for a soldier? Right dress. When does a dog become larger and smaller? When let out at night, and taken in in the morning. What prescription is best for a poet? A composing draught. Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in sauciness. What is the best way to keep a man’s love? Not to return it. When is a soldier a wagon maker? When he makes a wheel. Why is beef suitable for a Christmas dinner? Meet for rejoicing. How was Admiral Dewey’s naval rank reduced when he got married? He became Mrs. Dewey’s second mate. Why is a little dog’s tail like the heart of a tree? Because it’s farthest from the bark. Why are actresses like pipes? They are mere-shams. What workman never turns to the left? A wheelwright. Why does a freight car need no locomotive? The freight makes the car-go. When are weeds not weeds? When they become widows. What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body. What letter in the alphabet is most useful to a deaf old woman? The letter A, because it makes her hear. What is the color of a grass plot covered with snow? Invisible green. How does water get into the watermelon? The seed is planted in the spring. Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back. What subject can be made light of? Gas. If Dick’s father be John’s son, what relation is Dick to John? His grandson. When is a silver cup most likely to run? When it’s chased. When may a man’s pocket be empty and yet have something in it? When it has a hole in it. Why is an engraver fearless of drowning? Because he is accustomed to die sinking. Why are quinine and gentian like the Germans? Because they are two tonics (teutonics). When is butter like Irish children? When it is made into little pats. If all the money in the world was divided equally among the people what would each one get? An equal share. What are the most difficult ships to conquer? Hard-ships. Why don’t foreign noblemen marry poor American girls as well as rich ones? A poor girl has no principal, hence no interest, and without either she cannot bank account (a count). Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them. Why is a wedding ring like eternity? Because it has neither beginning nor end. What did the blind man say to the policeman when he told him he would arrest him if he did not move on? I’d just like to see you. What is the difference between a drinker and a smoker? One is a Bacchanalian and the other a tobacconalian. What is the difference between a cow and an old chair? One gives milk, the other gives way (whey). Why should Pope Leo XIII be a very unlucky man? Because he is always the thirteenth at table. What is the difference between a life of leisure and a life of idleness? They are the same thing, only different titles. What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, becomes a word of two syllables? Plague; ague. A crown which was the pride of ancient Rome: whichever way it is read, it is the same. Civic. What lesson of life can the small boy learn from the fire engine? It must work or it can’t play. Why is a young lady like a sheaf of wheat? First she is cradled, then thrashed, and finally she becomes the flour of the family. Who is it that always has a number of movements on foot for making money? A dancing master. How can hunters find their game in the woods? By listening to the bark of the trees. Why does a man think of his mother’s slippers when he handles the lines behind a fine, well-matched pair of horses? Because they are such a spanking pair. What is that which is sometimes with a head, without a head, with a tail, and without a tail? A wig. Why is a committee of inquiry like a cannon? It makes a report. What is more wonderful than a horse that can count? A spelling bee. Why are tallest people the laziest? Because they are always longer in bed than others. Who was the most successful financier mentioned in the Bible? Noah, because he floated a limited company when all the rest of the world was in liquidation. Why is a college student like a thermometer? Because he is graduated and marked by degrees. What bird is low-spirited? The blue-bird. Why don’t they take fare from policemen on the trolley cars? Because they can’t get a nickel out of a copper. Why is a tournament like sleep? It is a (k)nightly occupation. Why is a schoolmaster like the letter C? He forms lasses into classes. Why don’t the Boers wash themselves? Because they are waiting to get a good licking from the English. Why is bread like the sun? Because it rises from the yeast. When is a chair like a lady’s dress? When its sat-in. When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. When is a soldier like a king? When he appears with his pomp-on. Why is love like a canal boat? Because it is an internal transport. When does a chair dislike you? When it can’t bear you. Why is a duel quickly managed? Because it takes only two seconds to arrange it. What burns to keep a secret? Sealing-wax. Why is a nobleman like a book? Because he has a title. What class of women are most apt to give tone to society? The belles. What is that which has a mouth but never speaks, and a bed but never lies in it? A river. Why is a defeated army like wool? Because it is worsted. What is the difference between the wreck of a bank and the wreck of a ship? One is caused by the presence of rocks, the other by the scarcity of rocks. Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be foul language. Why is a cherry like a book? Because it is red (read). Why are heavy showers like heavy drinkers? Because they usually begin with little drops. What is that by losing an eye has nothing left but a nose? A noise. Why is a four-quart jar like a lady’s side-saddle? Because it holds a gal-on (gallon). Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly polished but very hollow. Why are balloons in the air like vagrants? Because they have no visible means of support. What islands would form a dainty and cheerful luncheon for a party? Sandwich and Madeira. What must a good surgeon have to be successful? He must have an eagle’s eye, a lion’s heart, and a lady’s hand. If I were in the sun and you were out of it what would the sun become! Sin. Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him. Why is anthracite coal like true love? Because it burns with a steady flame. Why is a very amusing man like a bad shot? Because he keeps the game alive. When people are quarreling out of doors, what should they do? Co-in-side (go inside). Why is Berlin the most dissipated city in Europe? Because it is always on the Spree. Which is the favorite word with women? The last one. Why is Father Time like a fashionable young man? Because he travels by cycles (bicycles). Luke had it first, Paul had it last; boys never have it; girls have it but once; Miss Sullivan had it twice in the same place, but when she married Pat Murphy she never had it again? The letter L. Why is a man who makes additions to a false rumor like one who has confidence in all that is told to him? Because he re-lies on all he hears. When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it. What did the managing editor say when the horticultural editor said he had cultivated hothouse lilac bushes that attained a height of over fifty feet? I wish I could lilac (lie like) that. Why is an apothecary like a wood-cock? Because he has a long bill. What is the most engaging work of art? A fashionable young lady. Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind. Why do the recriminations of a married couple resemble the sound of the waves on the seashore? Because they are the murmurs of the tide (tied). Why is a lawn mower like the keeper of a bucket shop? Because it shaves the green. When may a loaf of bread be said to be inhabited? When it has a little Indian in it. Why are ships like fortunes? Because they are built on stocks. How does a soldier know when it is time to fight? When he sees a battle-me(a)nt. At what age should a man marry? At the parsonage. What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence. When is a soldier like a horse? When he draws a load. Why is it nonsense to pretend that love is blind? Because you never knew a man in love that did not see ten times more in his sweetheart than others did. Why are fixed stars like wicked old men? Because they scintillate (sin till-late). Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? They are both hardly done. Why is Gibraltar one of the most wonderful places in the world? Because it’s always on the rock, but never moves. Why is it difficult to flirt on mail steamers? Because all the mails (males) are tied up in bags. Why is a comprehensive action an affectionate one? It embraces everything. What best describes and most impedes a Christian Pilgrim’s Progress? A Bunyan (bunion). When is a lady’s hair like the latest news? When it’s in the papers. Why is a very old umbrella, that has been lost, as good as new when found? Because it’s re-covered. Why is a coachman like the clouds? Because he holds the reins. Why does the Salvation Army walk down Broadway on their heels? To save their soles (souls). Who is a man of grit? A sugar refiner. Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will. What is one of the rules of war? That it is death to stop a cannon ball. Why are photographers the most uncivil of all tradespeople? Because when we make application for a copy of our portrait, they always reply with a negative. What cord is that which is full of knots, which no one can untie, and which no one can tie? A cord of wood. Which is the oddest fellow, the one who asks a question or the one who answers? The one who asks, because he is the querist. When does the wind most resemble a bookseller? When it keeps stationary (stationery). What benefit can be derived from a paper of pins? It will give you many good points. Why are authors who treat of physiognomy like soldiers? Because they write about face. Why is a clock the most persevering thing in creation? Because it is never more inclined to go on with its business than when it is completely wound up. Why is a blind man apt to be an idiot? The old adage says, out of sight out of mind. How did the whale that swallowed Jonah obey the divine law? Jonah was a stranger and he took him in. When is a piece of wood like a queen? When it is made into a ruler. Why is chicken pie like a gunsmith’s shop? Because it contains fowl-in pieces. Why is asparagus like most sermons? Because it is the end of it that people enjoy most. What is the fruit of finance? Current coin. How did Jonah feel when swallowed by a whale? He was down in the mouth, and went to blubber. Why is the polka like bitter beer? There are so many hops in it. Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays at the same time. Whose best works are most trampled on? The shoemaker, because good shoes last longer than bad ones. When is a boy in a pantry like a poacher? When he walks into the preserves. Why are clergymen like brakemen? Because they do a great deal of coupling. When may two people be said to be half witted? When they have an understanding between them. Why is a jailer like a musician? Because he fingers the keys. Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it’s past-your-age (pasturage). Why is it absurd to call a dentist room the dental parlor? Because it is the drawing room. Why should a man never tell his secrets in a corn field? Because so many ears are there, and they would be shocked. When is a soldier like a vehicle? When he makes a cart-ridge on the road. Why are printers liable to bad colds? Because they always use damp sheets. What fruit does a newly married couple resemble? A green pear (pair). Can you tell the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment. Why is wit like a Chinese lady’s foot? Because brevity’s the sole of it. Why are parliamentary reports called “Blue Books?” Because they are never re(a)d. Why is it absurd to ask a pretty girl to be candid? Because she cannot be plain. Why is a sheep like a professional gambler? Because he is brought up on the turf, gambols in his youth, herds with blacklegs, and is fleeced at last. Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo. What city is drawn more frequently than any other? Cork. Why should an artist never be short of cash? If he knows his business he can always draw money. What do we often catch yet never see? Passing remarks. Why are confectioners mercenary lovers? Because they always sell their kisses. What is there about a house that seldom falls, but never hurts the occupant when it does? The rent. What three acts comprise the chief business of a woman’s life? Attract, contract, and detract. Why is a prudent man like a pin? Because his head prevents him from going too far. Why are some of our officers like a dancing master’s toes? Because they must be turned out. What are the most patient objects in the shape of humanity? Statues. Why is necessity like an angry solicitor? It knows no law. When you listen to a drum why are you a good judge? Because you hear both sides. Why is the vowel O the only one sounded? Because all the others are in audible. Why is a coward like a leaky barrel? Because they both run. If a short man married a widow what will his friends call him? A widow’s mite. Who dares sit before the Queen with his hat on? Her coachman. Why was “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” not written by a woman’s hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher Stowe (Beecher’s toe). What animal is that from which, if you take off the tip of its tail you may make a first-rate Jew? Rabbit (Rabbi). Why is a lame dog like a school boy adding six and seven together? Because the dog puts down three and carries one. When is a house like a bird? When it has wings. When is a lawyer like a beast of burden? When drawing a conveyance. When is a soldier like a watch? When he is on guard. What are the embers of the expiring year? Nov-ember and Dec-ember. How is a poultry dealer compelled to earn his living? By foul means. When was beef tea first introduced into England? When Henry VIII dissolved the Pope’s bull. Why is a butcher’s cart like his top boots? Because he carries his calves there. Why does a maltese cat rest better in summer than in winter? Because summer brings a caterpillar (cat-a-pillow). Is there anything a man with a kodak cannot take? Yes, a hint. Why do American soldiers never run away? They belong to a standing army. Why does tying a slow horse to a post improve his pace? It makes him fast. What goes most against a farmer’s grain? His reaper. Why may we suppose that Noah had beer in the ark? Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin. Why should potatoes grow better than other vegetables? Because they have eyes to see what they are doing. A duck before two ducks, a duck behind two ducks, and a duck between two ducks; how many ducks were there in all? Three. What word of ten letters can be spelled with five? X-p-d-n-c (expediency). Why should the highest apple on a tree be the best one? Because it is a tip-top apple. How many fathers has a man? Nine: his father, his godfather, his father-in law, his two grandfathers, and his fore- (four) fathers. Why would a spider appear to have wings? Because it often takes a fly. Why is a railroad exceedingly patriotic? It is bound to the country with the strongest ties. Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn? Because it is the greatest of modern composers. Do women like to see themselves in print? No; they prefer silk or satin. Why are bookkeepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living. Who is the man who invariably finds things dull? The scissors grinder. Why is the first chicken of a brood like the mainmast of a ship? Because it’s a little ahead of the main hatch. Why is a book your best friend and companion? Because when it bores you, you can shut it up without giving offense. Why is a man in front of a crowd well supported? Because he has the press at his back. What sort of men are most above board in their movements? Chessmen. Why is playing chess a better occupation than playing cards? Because you play chess with two bishops and cards with four knaves. Why should a minister be believed? Because he is nearly always accurate (a curate). Why is a mad bull like a man of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to everybody he meets. What should be looked into? A mirror. Why is the map of Turkey in Europe like a frying pan? Because it has Greece on the bottom. I partake alike in your joys, and your sorrows, and your home would not be home without me. Letter O. How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a miss is as good as a mile. Why should colts avoid exposure? Because they might take cold and become a little horse (hoarse). In what respect is matrimony a game of cards? Why, a woman has a heart, a man takes it with a diamond, and after that her hand is his. What is the name of the plant most fatal to mice? Cat-nip. Why is a poor singer like a counterfeiter? Because he is an utterer of bad notes. I am the first, and one of seven, I live betwixt the seas and heaven; Look not below, for I am not there, My home is in the ancient air. Come to my second, behold how fair I am, how bright and how debonair; A pleasant vision and a beauty, A thing of life and joy and duty; My youth is changed—I live alone, My views are crossed—my hopes are gone; My whole is sorrow, grief and woe, My singing now is all heigh-ho. A lass (alas). What affection do landlords most appreciate? Parental (pay-rental). When day breaks, what becomes of the pieces? They go into mourning (morning). Why are washerwomen the silliest of women? Because they put out their tubs to catch soft water when it rains hard. When are two apples alike? When pared. When a colored waiter drops a platter of roast turkey, why does it create a great continental disaster? Because it is the fall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece, the ruin of Africa, and the breaking up of China. What time should an inn keeper visit a foundry? When he wants a bar-maid. Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common ’tatur (commentator). Why is an author the most wonderful man in the world? Because he is the owner of many tales and they all come out of his head. What do you call a boy who eats all the melons he can get, whether they are green or old? He is what we call a pains-taking youngster. What is an eaves-dropper? The icicle. What trade is certainly one in which a man will never make a cent except by sticking at it? Bill-posting. In what place are two heads better than one? In a barrel. Why are bells used to call people to church? Because they have an inspire-ring influence. What is that which goes up the hill and down the hill and yet stands still? The road. What becomes of the chocolate cake when your only son eats it? It vanishes into the empty heir (air). When is coffee like the soil? When it is ground. When is a bill like a gun? When it is presented and discharged. Why is a windy orator like a whale? Because he often rises to spout. Why is a railroad track a particularly sentimental object? Because it is bound by close ties. What is society composed of? A mixture of mister-ies and miss-eries. What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait. When is a man, like friendship, most easily tried? When he stands a loan. What melancholy fact is there about a calendar? There is no time when its days are not numbered. What is the best food for dyspeptic people? Oysters; because they die-just (digest) before they are eaten. Who are the men who have made their mark? Those who can’t write. Why is a distanced horse like a man in a shady place? Because he is out of the heat. Why are park railings like a lady’s corset? Because they confine a deer (dear). Do you know what is the oldest piece of furniture in the world? The multiplication table. What is the debt for which you cannot be sued? The debt of nature. When are soldiers best able to draw blisters? When they are mustered in the service. Why is an inn-keeper like a multitude of people? Because he is a host himself. Why is the blush of modesty like a little girl? Because it becomes a woman. Why is a bad epigram like a useless pencil? Because it has no point. If you see a counterfeit coin on the street why should you always pick it up? Because you may be arrested for passing it. Why is Queen Victoria like a hat? Because they both have crowns. Why is love always represented as a child? Because it never reaches the age of discretion. What key opens the penitentiary for a dissipated man? Whis-key. Why is a pig with a curly continuation like the ghost of Hamlet’s father? Because he could a tail unfold. Why is a plowed field like feathered game? Because it’s part-ridges. How does a boy look if you hurt him? It makes him yell Oh! (yellow). Why didn’t the last dove return to the ark? Because she had sufficient ground for remaining. Why is there some reason to doubt the existence of the Giant’s Causeway? There are so many shamrocks (sham rocks) in Ireland that this may be one of the reasons. Why are good husbands like dough? Because women need them. Why is a specimen of extra fine handwriting like a dead pig? Because it is done with the pen. When does a man feel girlish? When he makes his maiden speech. What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen; the other steals it. What does a husband do who misses a train by which he promised his wife to return? Catches it when he gets home. What is the greatest surgical operation on record? Lansing, Michigan. How can you make a tall man short? Borrow money of him. Why are fixed stars like pens, ink and paper? Because they are stationary (stationery). Why should a person not like to gaze on the Niagara forever? Because he would always have a cataract in the eye. What bridge is warranted to support any strain? The bridge of a fiddle. What is that, which though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink. Why is it dangerous to go in the woods in spring? Because the bullrush is out, the cowslips around, the grasses have blades, the flowers have pistils, and the little twigs are shooting. Why are laws like the ocean? The most trouble is caused by the breakers. Why is the Mississippi the most eloquent of rivers? Because it has a dozen mouths. Why does an aeronaut dislike to speak about his trips? It is generally a soar point with him. Why is a Chinaman never perplexed? Because no matter where he finds himself he always has his cue. What is the most popular paper at the summer resorts? Fly-paper. In law courts what relation are the judges, sergeants and counsellors to each other? They are brothers—brothers-in-law. Why is St. Paul like a white horse? Because they both like Timothy. Why do men go out of the theatre? Because some plays are so solemn that the men have to go out to smile. Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man? Because it is infirm. What is the difference between love and war? One breaks heads and the other breaks hearts. When did CÆsar first visit the Irish? When he crossed the Rhine and went back to bridge it (Bridget). What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite. How is it that the Queen is a poor gentlewoman? She possesses only one crown. Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil. Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured (secured). When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor. Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. What history is that which repeats itself? The history of nations. Your private history is repeated by your neighbors. When are two tramps like common time in music? When they are two beats to a bar. Why is a ferry boat like a good rule? Because it works both ways. What part of London is like a lame man? Cripplegate (cripple-gait). What robe is that which you cannot weave, you cannot buy, no one can sell, needs no washing, and lasts forever? Robe of Righteousness. How do we know the nightingales are sports? Because they have a high time after dark. When is water most likely to escape? When it is only half-tide. What is always behind time? The back of a clock. What medicine is a cross dog fond of? Bark and wine (whine). What is the difference between perseverance and obstinancy? One is a strong will and the other is a strong won’t. What country does a crying baby sigh for? More-rock-oh, or Lapland. Why is a coat worn by a weather-beaten tramp like a man with insomnia? Because it has not had a nap in ten years. Why are spiders good correspondents? Because they drop a line by every post and at every house. What does a young lady become when she ceases to be pensive? Ex-pensive. What is the sure sign of an early spring? A cat watching a hole in the wall with her back up. A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, My age is what you do in everything—excel (XL). Pray find a word that will produce a chair and table? Char-i-table. Why is it that whenever you are looking for anything you always find it in the last place you look? Because you always stop looking when you find it. What is the most difficult lock to pick? One from a bald head. If Rider Haggard had been Lew Wallace, who would “She” have been? “Ben-Hur.” What would a pig do who wished to build himself a habitation? Tie a knot in his tail and call it a pig’s tie. Why is snow like a maple tree? Because it leaves in the early spring. Who is the first nobleman mentioned in the Bible? Baron (barren) figtree. If a man bumped his head against the top of the room, what article of stationery would he get? Ceiling whacks (sealing wax.) What is a good thing to part with? A comb. If your uncle’s sister is not your aunt what relation is she to you? Your mother. Why is a pig the most provident of all animals? Because he always carries a spare-rib about him. For what profession are the members of a college boat crew best fitted? For dentistry, because they have a good pull. Why has a chambermaid more lives than a cat? Because each morning she returns to dust. Why ought the man who handles the reins on a horse car be successful? Because he does a driving business. What paradox may often be found in a flower garden? A white pink. Why do carpenters have great faith in soothsayers? They cannot work without an auger (augur). What does a yawning policeman resemble? An open-faced watch. Why is a crow like a lawyer? He likes to have his caws (cause) heard. What is the political character of a water-wheel? Revolutionary. Why are umbrellas like good churchmen? They keep Lent so well. What three letters give the name of a famous Roman general? C-P-O (Scipio). Why should England be a very dry country? Because there has been but one reign there in over fifty years. Why is a nice, but uncultured girl like brown sugar? Because she is sweet but unrefined. Why are some women very much like tea-kettles? Because they sing away pleasantly and then all at once boil over. What is the best way to keep fish from smelling? Cut off their noses. Why should you never confide a secret to your relatives? Because blood will tell. Which is the easier profession, a doctor’s or a clergyman’s? A clergyman’s: he preaches, the doctor practices. How can it be proven that a horse has six legs? Because he has fore legs in front and two behind. How does light get through a prism? It hews (hues) its way through. What can pass before the sun without making a shadow? The wind. Why should watermelon be a good name for a newspaper? Because its insides would really be read. Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross. When is a tourist in Ireland like a donkey? When he is going to Bray. Why are people of short memories necessarily covetous? Because they’re always for-getting something. What is the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? The letter E. Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayers of a hypocrite? Because it is a solemn sound by a thoughtless tongue. What letters of the alphabet are most like a Roman emperor? The C’s are. Why is a sneeze like Niagara? Because it’s a catarrh-act. When does water resemble a gymnast? When it makes a spring. What would you expect to find on a literary man’s breakfast table? Bacon’s Remains, Final memories of Lamb, if in season, and Shelley fragments. When is a sick man a contradiction? When he is an impatient patient. What is the dog-star announced to be? A sky-terrier. What is the difference between a tunnel and a speaking trumpet? One is hollowed in, the other is halloaed out. When may a man be said to be literally immersed in business? When he’s giving a swimming lesson. What trade should one follow in order to cut a figure in the world? A sculptor. What wind do we naturally look for after Lent? An Easter-ly one. How do little fish have a proper idea of business? Not being able to do better, they start on a small scale. When do cards most resemble wolves? When they belong to a pack. What is the difference between the Mormons’ religion and their wives? Their religion is singular, but their wives are plural. When is a man duplicated? When he’s beside himself. Why is a drunken Irishman like a sentinel going his rounds? He is pat-rolling. Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? She has not much on’er in her own country. Why is a blacksmith like a safe steed? Because one is a horse-shoer, and the other is a sure horse. When giving invitations to a dancing party what single word will tell the hour to begin dancing? At ten-dance (attendance). What is the greatest physical feat ever performed? Wheeling, West Virginia, on the Ohio. What does an envelope say when it is licked? Just shuts up and says nothing about it. When is an army totally destroyed? When the soldiers are all in quarters. Why is too much whisky and champagne like the flowers that bloom in the spring? Because they make the nose gay (nosegay). Why is a postman in danger of losing his way? Because he is guided by the directions of strangers. What killed Joan of Arc? Too much hot stake. What is the difference between a watchmaker and a jailer? One sells watches and the other watches cells. Why are lawyers the most intemperate people? Because they are continually practicing at the bar. What word of four syllables represents Sin riding on a little animal? Sin-on-a-mouse (Synonymous.) What motive had the inventor of railways in view! A loco-motive. With what do the mermaids tie up their hair? With a marine band. What is the sharpest instrument mentioned in the Bible? The Acts (axe) of the Apostles. Why is a banker’s clerk necessarily well informed? Because he is continually taking notes. Use me well and I am everybody; scratch my back and I am nobody. A looking-glass. What great Scotchman would you name if a footman knocked at the door? John Knox. Why is a billiard maker like a stage prompter? Because he gives the players a cue. Why is the sculptor Powers a great swindler? Because he chiseled the Greek slave out of her clothes. Why is the bank of England like a thrush? It often changes its notes. What is it, which the man that made it does not need, the man who buys it does not use for himself, and the person that uses it does not know it? A coffin. Why are convicts like a pack of cards? Because there is a knave in every suit. What kind of a swell luncheon would hardly be considered a grand affair? A luncheon of dried apples and warm water, which is really a swell affair. Why is a young lady like a promissory note? Because she ought to be settled when she arrives at maturity. What is that which always goes with its head downward? A nail in your shoe. Why is a man just put in prison like a boat full of water? Because he wants bailing out. What sort of a face does an auctioneer like best? One that is for bidding. Why should a poor salesman be put in the hands of a potter? Because he is very poor clay and should be fired. Why is an account book like a statuary shop? It is full of figures. When a young man calls upon his sweetheart what should he carry with him? Affection in his heart, perfection in his manners, and confections in his pockets. When may a base-ball nine say its “cake is all dough”? When it does not have a good batter. Why is it better to lose an arm than a leg? Because when you lose a leg you lose something to boot. What key in music will make a good officer? A sharp major. Why were the Jews of old like bad debts? Because they killed the prophets (profits). What is political economy? Splitting your vote. What makes everybody sick but those that swallow it? Flattery. What jury of twelve tries us for a year? The twelve months; they all try us. What is that which never flies except when its wings are broken? An army. What is the difference between a very fascinating young lady and her watch? The watch makes one remember the hours, and the young lady makes one forget them. Why is a threadbare garment like a man who was up late at the ball? Because both look worn out when they lose their nap. What bridge creates the most anxiety? A suspension bridge. When does a cook break the game law? When she poaches eggs. Why is a cigar-loving man like a tallow candle? Because he smokes when he is going out. What way of showing wrath has a tea kettle? It sings sweetest when it is hottest. Why do you always make a mistake when you put on your slipper? Because you put your foot in it. Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways. Why is the leading horse in a wagon team like the acceptor of a bill? Because he’s the end horse, sir (endorser). What money brings the most substantial interest? Matri-mony. Why, when you paint a man’s portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features). Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we cannot make it out. Why is the Prince of Wales musing on his mother’s government like a rainbow? Because it’s the son’s reflection on a steady reign. |
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