PRACTICAL JOKE PLAYED UPON A SLEEPY MAN BY HIS FACETIOUS CREATOR.

And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone. I will make him an help meet for him.... And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man (Gen. ii, 18, 21, 22).

A STORY CALCULATED TO PARALYZE A KENTUCKY COLONEL.

The same day were all the fountains of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.... And the waters prevailed exceedingly upon the earth; and all the high hills, that were under the whole heaven, were covered. Fifteen cubits upward did the waters prevail; and the mountains were covered (Gen. vii, 11, 12, 19, 20).

THE DOCTRINE OF PRENATAL INFLUENCES LAUGHABLY BURLESQUED.

And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chestnut tree; and pilled white streaks in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods. And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink. And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstreaked, speckled, and spotted (Gen. xxx, 37–39).

MOSES TELLS, WITH A WINK, ABOUT THE STRONGEST GALE OF WIND KNOWN TO HISTORY.

And Moses stretched out his hand over the sea; and the Lord caused the sea to go back by a strong east wind all that night, and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground; and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left (Ex. xiv, 21, 22).

THE MODERN BIRD HUNTER WILL SAY: “I LOVE A LIAR, BUT THIS ONE SUITS ME TOO WELL!”

And there went forth a wind from the Lord, and brought quails from the sea, and let them fall by the camp, as it were a day’s journey on this side, and as it were a day’s journey on the other side, round about the camp, and as it were two cubits high upon the face of the earth. And the people stood up all that day, and all that night, and all the next day, and they gathered the quails: he that gathered least gathered ten homers [over 100 bushels] (Num. xi, 31, 32).

“WINE IS A MOCKER, STRONG DRINK IS RAGING.”

And the Lord said unto him [Moses], What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it. And the Lord said unto Moses, Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail. And he put forth his hand, and caught it, and it became a rod in his hand (Ex. iv, 2–4).

And the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.... And the Lord said unto Moses, Make thee a fiery serpent, and set it upon a pole: and it shall come to pass, that every one that is bitten, when he looketh upon it shall live. And Moses made a serpent of brass, and put it upon a pole, and it came to pass, that if a serpent had bitten any man, when he beheld the serpent of brass, he lived (Num. xxi, 6, 8, 9).

And Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. For they cast down every man his rod and they became serpents: but Aaron’s rod swallowed up their rods (Ex. vii, 10–12).

INCLUDING, AMONG OTHERS, ONE VERY LOUSY TRICK.

And he [Aaron] lifted up the rod and smote the waters that were in the river, in the sight of Pharaoh and in the sight of the servants; and all the waters that were in the river were turned to blood (Ex. vii, 20).

And Aaron stretched out his hand over the waters of Egypt; and the frogs came up and covered the land of Egypt (viii, 6).

Aaron stretched out his hand with his rod and smote the dust of the earth, and it became lice in man and in beast; all the dust of the land became lice throughout all the land of Egypt (viii, 17).

“IS NOT THIS WRITTEN IN THE BOOK OF JASHER?”

And he [Joshua] said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day (Josh. x, 12, 13).

AS DESCRIBED BY THE HUMORIST WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF JUDGES.

And he [Samson] found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jawbone of an ass have I slain a thousand men (Judges xv, 15, 16).

And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing corn of the Philistines and burnt up both the shocks, and also the standing corn, with the vineyards and olives (Judges xv, 4, 5).

REMARKS OF A QUADRUPED THAT STOOD ON HER RECORD.

And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.... And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam’s anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff. And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee. And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? Was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay (Num. xxii, 21, 27–30).

EDIFYING TALE OF A BALDHEADED MAN, SOME NAUGHTY CHILDREN, AND TWO BEARS.

And he [Elisha] went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou baldhead; go up, thou baldhead. And he turned back and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord. And there came forth two she-bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them (2 Kings ii, 23, 24).

HOW A PROPHET’S WHISKERS TICKLED A SHAMMING KID AND BROUGHT HIM OUT OF HIS TRANCE.

And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, and laid upon his bed. And he went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the Lord. And he went up and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands; and he stretched himself upon the child: and the flesh of the child waxed warm. Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro, and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes (2 Kings, iv, 32–35).

THREE OF SATAN’S SUBJECT ASTONISH THE OFFICIALS OF NEBUCHADNEZZAR.

These men were bound in their coats, their hosen, and their hats, and their other garments, and were cast into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.... And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king’s counselors, being gathered together, saw these men upon whose bodies the fire had no power, nor was a hair of their head singed, neither were their coats changed, nor the smell of fire had passed on them (Dan. iii, 19, 21, 27).

A DIVERTING YARN, CALCULATED TO CAUSE MUCH MERRIMENT AMONG THE MARINES.

Then they said unto him [Jonah], What shall we do unto thee that the sea may be calm unto us? for the sea wrought and was tempestuous. And he said unto them, Take me up and cast me forth in the sea.... So they took up Jonah, and cast him forth into the sea; and the sea ceased from her raging.... Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and nights.... And the Lord spake unto the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land (Jonah i, 11–17; ii, 10).

A TIMELY DREAM SAVES THE REPUTATION OF A YOUNG WOMAN.

Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband being a just man, and not wishing to make her a public example, was minded to put her away privily. But while he thought on these things, behold the angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost.... Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife; and knew her not till she had brought forth her first-born son; and he called his name Jesus (Matt. i, 18–25).

INTERESTING APPLICATION OF HYPNOTISM BY WHICH A MULTITUDE WERE CONVINCED THAT THEY HAD DINED.

And they say unto him, We have here but five loaves and two fishes. He said, Bring them hither to me. And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the grass and took the five loaves and the two fishes, and looking up to heaven, he blessed, and brake, and gave the loaves to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. And they did all eat, and were filled; and they took up the fragments that remained twelve baskets full. And they that had eaten were about five thousand men beside women and children (Matt. xiv, 15–21).

JESUS APPRISES THE BROTHER OF MARTHA THAT THE JOKE HAS BEEN CARRIED FAR ENOUGH.

When Jesus came, he found that he [Lazarus] had lain in the grave four days already.... Jesus therefore again groaning in himself cometh to the grave. It was a cave, and a stone lay upon it. Jesus said, Take ye away the stone. Martha, the sister of him that was dead, saith unto him, Lord, by this time he stinketh, for he hath been dead four days.... He [Jesus] cried with a loud voice, Lazarus come forth. And he that was dead came forth (John xi, 17, 38, 39, 43, 44).

These Bible stories, which Christians profess to believe, are unworthy of serious consideration. They are not historical, but fabulous. A miracle is a fable. The miraculous is impossible; the impossible untrue. If miracles were possible and necessary in that age they are possible and necessary now. This is an age of unbelief. Give us one miracle and we will believe. Let Jesus visit earth again and with his divine touch revivify the inanimate dust of Lincoln and give him back to the nation that loved him so well, and we will acknowledge his divinity and believe that the Bible is inspired. Had he restored to life the decaying corpse of Lazarus the Jews would have believed in him. The Jews did not believe in him, therefore the miracle was not performed.

The divine origin of the Bible cannot be established by miracles because the possibility of a miracle itself cannot be established. In the language of Hume, “a miracle is a violation of the laws of nature; and as a firm and unalterable experience has established these laws, the proof against a miracle, from the very nature of the fact, is as entire as any argument from experience can possibly be imagined.”